tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post5423732287675157695..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1032Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger40125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-24861214534067226162012-06-23T10:45:22.625-04:002012-06-23T10:45:22.625-04:00I have a problem with mc being kidnapped by a cuti...I have a problem with mc being kidnapped by a cutie at the end of first 'graph and waking up at the start of the second. <br /><br />??? That leap needs a connection or progression that I couldn't detect. <br /><br />Also "Shifters" hit me as the wrong word in this query. Preconceived notions.<br /><br />On "every word has earth-shattering importance", I believe that to be true in the query. <br /><br />Good luck. Maybe set it aside for a bit.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-22607448203669231692012-06-19T09:49:12.707-04:002012-06-19T09:49:12.707-04:00@Rachel
Definitely :-) (fingers -and toes- crossed...@Rachel<br />Definitely :-) (fingers -and toes- crossed)<br /><br />@Alaska<br />Yeah, I sent it to her mostly on a whim - and I'm definitely not waiting on her to send out my letter.<br /><br />@EE<br />Maybe you shouldn't be so darn efficient and hard-working - then you could have a backlog, too ;-)Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-2704130489757491762012-06-19T09:02:23.027-04:002012-06-19T09:02:23.027-04:00[shrug] That's what she sez. I have not seen h...[shrug] That's what she sez. I have not seen her inbox, of course.<br /><br />Probably the speed at which they get sharked is largely responsible for the backlog. Maybe also that she's unanonymous and an agent, so folks are hoping to get a foot in the door via the shark tank...AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-79276889765807255862012-06-18T23:06:48.721-04:002012-06-18T23:06:48.721-04:00I liked your second rewrite best, with the details...I liked your second rewrite best, with the details about the villains. You had my attention. You had my full, I-bet-my-sister-would-like-this-too attention, which means I'll actually get the book. <br /><br />Brava, author! Please let us know when you sell the book, because I'll be watching the stores!Rachel6https://www.blogger.com/profile/15138745237488029817noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-70309418526020989002012-06-18T19:51:06.886-04:002012-06-18T19:51:06.886-04:00Hundreds? And we have zero? Of course, if I'd ...Hundreds? And we have zero? Of course, if I'd been doing one a month for the past six years, I'd have a backlog of about a thousand.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-60263413281464223462012-06-18T19:42:58.744-04:002012-06-18T19:42:58.744-04:00QS seems to have critiqued one query a month for t...QS seems to have critiqued one query a month for the last few, and that's against a reported backlog of hundreds. If I was gonna go up against those kinds of odds, I'd rather just be submitting the damn thing and see what happens.<br /><br />If it's any help, the plot description in the query with which I landed my agent was four sentences long.<br /><br />Not long-ass sentences. Just ordinary sentences. Less is more.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-86881906273696083262012-06-18T18:25:07.946-04:002012-06-18T18:25:07.946-04:00Lol, author, I'm glad you got what I meant des...Lol, author, I'm glad you got what I meant despite my typing 'end' instead of 'and'. *facepalm*nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38050961842673229172012-06-18T14:50:05.825-04:002012-06-18T14:50:05.825-04:00@Alaska
Thanks for the feedback - I'm glad it...@Alaska<br /><br />Thanks for the feedback - I'm glad it's improving! :-)<br /><br />I get in such a negative internal loop on this sort of stuff I can't tell if it's better, worse, or if starting my own version of "All work and no play makes me a dull girl."<br /><br />Yeah, I don't hold up much hope for the shark but figured "what they heck." :-)Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-67123561515803466992012-06-18T14:45:22.230-04:002012-06-18T14:45:22.230-04:00@EE
"I generally prefer specificity over vag...@EE<br /><br />"I generally prefer specificity over vagueness...If we don't know the evil people are a threat to Kaia's job/family/life, why should we care about them?"<br /><br />I was thinking the same thing but found it hard to maintain my confidence in the face of a stream of negative Internet bombardment. I definitely value your input on this - thank you.<br /><br />@Buffy<br /><br />I see what you mean about the "but." Thank you.<br /><br />I actually did send the final version from here to the Shark but she hasn't bitten :-)<br /><br />@everyone<br /><br />Sorry if it looks like I was asking about really insignificant changes, but I've been staring at this so long it seemed like every word has earth-shattering importance.<br /><br />I really need to get outside a bit, don't I? ;-)Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-40602540653686063622012-06-18T13:42:56.847-04:002012-06-18T13:42:56.847-04:00I think the last version works better than the pre...I think the last version works better than the previous one. Yes to details but no to excess verbiage explaining said details.<br /><br />Trouble with QueryShark is she's got a huge backlog and your chances of actually getting critiqued, esp. in a timely fashion, are slim. <br /><br />I'm not sure anyone is meaner than we are.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-83567675252980147252012-06-18T10:41:48.971-04:002012-06-18T10:41:48.971-04:00Obviously we are right and they are wrong. Uh, I m...Obviously we are right and they are wrong. Uh, I mean, well.<br /><br />I like the revision you posted much better than the original. It's pacier and it seems to me I understand what's going on. In the version the other group liked, you still need a but rather than an end in the terrible mistake paragraph.<br /><br />You could always fling this at QueryShark for a casting vote. Although she's meaner than we are.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-14929103447216865322012-06-18T00:27:23.804-04:002012-06-18T00:27:23.804-04:00This is the same as the last version you submitted...This is the same as the last version you submitted here, except that instead of telling us what the villains are up to you just tell us they're darn evil.<br /><br />I generally prefer specificity over vagueness. I don't see that's there's much of a downside in this new version. She's a superhero, she has a family. If we don't know the evil people are a threat to Kaia's job/family/life, why should we care about them?Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-12267961372728018402012-06-18T00:05:10.720-04:002012-06-18T00:05:10.720-04:00I seem to be suffering from "too many cooks w...I seem to be suffering from "too many cooks with this query. In hopes of getting a final polish on it, I let another group look at the final version from here, and they criticized me for adding all of the details you guys advised me to. I just want something solid to represent my book but can't get a "yeah, this works" to save my life. <br /><br />Here's the version they "approved" of (not really, they just hate it a little less). It makes some things vague again but is punchier in parts. Does this seem like an improvement or a step in the wrong direction?<br /><br />QUERY:<br />High school student Kaia Davis is thrilled to leave behind her unloving foster family for a foreign exchange visit – until the cute (if cocky) British boy who helped her in the airport up and kidnaps her.<br /><br />Kaia wakes up to find she's been recruited into a covert unit made up of teenagers from around the world. They call themselves "Shifters," and each possesses the ability to manipulate one of the atomic elements – transforming them from gas to liquid, altering their structure, or just moving them around really fast and whacking people with them.<br /><br />Kaia's convinced they've made a terrible mistake… and then they help her tap into a silicon-based power of her own. With it, she can shatter and manipulate glass and create flesh-gouging whirlwinds of sand with her mind.<br /><br />Despite her traumatic introduction to their world, Kaia finds the possibility of having a place to belong too appealing to resist. Plus, she gets to take out terrorists, bust up drug cartels, and save people's lives. She <i>is</i> a real life superhero.<br /><br />If only the secretive backers of their group weren't so darn evil.<br /><br />SHIFTED is a YA sci-fi novel with a multicultural cast and complete for your review. It stands alone but is the first of a planned series of three books.<br /><br />Thank you for your time and consideration.Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-28281184578046766722012-05-31T22:40:44.145-04:002012-05-31T22:40:44.145-04:00This is definitely better. It's clear what'...This is definitely better. It's clear what's at stake. The plot pretty much makes sense. The conflict is obvious. Shaping up.St0n3hengehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504412781917592790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-61758697619025926392012-05-31T21:15:42.399-04:002012-05-31T21:15:42.399-04:00Okay, here's the second rewrite, incorporating...Okay, here's the second rewrite, incorporating the changes I had mentioned yesterday. See if this fixes the issues mentioned. (I kept the word recruited because it actually is accurate to the way the story plays out - if it still sounds odd, please let me know. "Pulled into" is another possibility.)<br /><br /><br />High school student Kaia Davis is thrilled to leave behind her unloving foster family for a foreign exchange visit in Paris – until the cute (if cocky) British boy who helped her in the airport up and kidnaps her.<br /><br />Kaia wakes up to find she's been recruited into a covert unit made up of teenagers hailing from around the world. Calling themselves "Shifters," each of them possesses the ability to manipulate one of the earth's elements – transforming them from gas to liquid, altering their structure, or just moving them around really fast and whacking people with them. <br /><br />At first, Kaia's convinced they've made a terrible mistake in choosing her. Until, that is, they help her tap into a silicon-based power of her own which lets her do little things like shatter and manipulate glass or create flesh-gouging whirlwinds of sand with her mind.<br /><br />Despite her traumatic introduction to their world, Kaia finds the possibility of having a place to belong – a family – too appealing to resist. <br /><br />Joining up turns out to be dangerous and terrifying but still pretty cool. Stopping terrorists, busting up drug cartels, saving people's lives – becoming a real life superhero. <br /><br />Unbeknownst to the Shifters, however, their secretive backers have been manipulating them for one purpose: to help the very criminals they believed they were stopping. As sickening as it is to realize they've been used as weapons and thugs – that innocent people have suffered at their hands – finding a way out won't be easy.<br /><br />Especially when the shadowy cabal they've all been working for is willing and able to eliminate its assets the instant they stop behaving.Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-84285881222595811882012-05-31T20:32:55.186-04:002012-05-31T20:32:55.186-04:00Maureen:
Thanks for the kind words! EE suggested ...Maureen:<br />Thanks for the kind words! EE suggested I cut those lines as well - I'm glad it's still clear Connor is the love interest (it's hard to tell things like that when I'm so close to the story).<br /><br />Alaska:<br />"Do you respond to a critique by 1. rewriting, or by 2. answering the critique point by point?"<br /><br />Well, I definitely have a bit to learn about making my intentions clear ;-)<br /><br />AA has it right: I was rewriting in response to the critiques and posting those rewrites in sequential order to make sure I was addressing the listed problems. <br /><br />All of my responses were rewrites, not rebuttals.<br /><br />I was thinking it would be better to say "Is this what you meant?" or "Does this address the problem you saw?" in small doses instead of posting an entire rewrite when I wasn't sure if more comments were forthcoming.<br /><br />I certainly was not intending to belittle any criticisms. Quite the contrary - I came here for your opinions, and I am doing my best to incorporate your suggestions.<br /><br />I will post the next version (with the changes I noted incorporated) very shortly.Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-54108610111122546172012-05-31T17:02:18.709-04:002012-05-31T17:02:18.709-04:00AlaskaRavenclaw: I don't see that. This author...AlaskaRavenclaw: I don't see that. This author isn't even arguing. It's just a more transparent way of seeing the author's thought processes to be sure the rewrite addresses major problems. He/she obviously wants to be careful not to misunderstand anybody's comment. <br /><br />I assumed a rewrite was forthcoming after all the problems were addressed.St0n3hengehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504412781917592790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-66730407599253671382012-05-31T15:47:23.183-04:002012-05-31T15:47:23.183-04:00Author, you've got a lot to learn, as we all d...Author, you've got a lot to learn, as we all do. But the one thing which absolutely and completely separates the published from the unpublished is this:<br /><br />Do you respond to a critique by 1. rewriting, or by 2. answering the critique point by point?AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-61338509662129057322012-05-31T15:21:13.722-04:002012-05-31T15:21:13.722-04:00I love the additional detail about the 'bad gu...I love the additional detail about the 'bad guy' and the twist you've set up. This version of the query really makes me want to read more, and I'm sure you're on the right track. <br /><br />Of course you can't include every detail about how she was helped in discovering her power or how she hones it. I'd cut the last line about Connor - it's already clear that you're setting him up to be the love interest, or something similar anyway. <br /><br />Anyway, I like it, and I'd read the book based on this. You've made it clear even within the query that finding this new family is preferable to her old family, even if she got there ... um... involuntarily.Maureenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08063251763617645001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-24054976823200021002012-05-30T16:41:39.112-04:002012-05-30T16:41:39.112-04:00Sorry, Buffy, missed these:
Okay (reservations ab...Sorry, Buffy, missed these:<br /><br /><b>Okay (reservations about 'joining' and why she isn't mad as hell at being kidnapped aside).</b><br />This additional sentence might help that:<br />"Despite her traumatic introduction to their world, Kaia finds the possibility of having a place to belong – a family – too appealing to resist. Joining up turns out to be dangerous and terrifying but still pretty cool..."<br /><br /><b>C'mon, there has to be some emotional response....Where's the emotion?</b><br />"As sickening as it is to realize they've been used as weapons and thugs – that innocent people have suffered at their hands – finding a way out won't be easy.<br /><br />Especially when the shadowy cabal they've all been working for is willing and able to eliminate its assets the instant they stop behaving."Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-68943687259882959292012-05-30T15:43:49.782-04:002012-05-30T15:43:49.782-04:00From BuffySquirrel:
"Okay, leaving aside the ...From BuffySquirrel:<br /><b>"Okay, leaving aside the strange assumption that Stockholm Syndrome strikes instantly..."</b><br />I think this is a victim of shortening the intro. Here's the order of events: Kaia is arrested upon landing (it's a set-up). Connor breaks in and says "I'm here to rescue you!" Kaia thinks, hey, he's pretty cute. As they're leaving the airport, she starts seeing the holes in the story he's been spinning. He drops the pretense and kidnaps her, at which point she no longer thinks he is cute. She retains that opinion for quite some time, in fact ;-)<br /><br />Perhaps "High school student Kaia Davis is thrilled to leave behind her unloving foster family for a foreign exchange visit in Paris – until the cute (if cocky) British boy who helped her in the airport up and kidnaps her."<br /><br /><b>Participle question:</b><br />How about flipping it to "...a covert unit made up of teenagers hailing from around the world. Calling themselves 'Shifters,' each of them possesses..."<br /><br /><b>A terrible mistake? How does Kaia not know she has powers? Discovers?</b><br />These questions might be fixed by this edit:<br />"At first, Kaia's convinced they've made a terrible mistake in choosing her.<br />Until, that is, they help her tap into a silicon-based power of her own which lets her do little things like shatter and manipulate glass or create flesh-gouging whirlwinds of sand with her mind."<br /><br />"What's Kaia's dilemma?"<br />I'd probably sum it up as: She doesn't want to continue being used as a "bad guy" but doesn't want to get killed either. I'm not sure if I just didn't convey that idea clearly, or if there's something else you're asking for that I'm not understanding properly. Please elaborate.<br /><br />P.S. to Buffy and EE: I honestly didn't think anything of calling it Paris Charles de Gaulle since I speak French - and Kaia speaks French, too. I actually use both its shortened and full name in the book. EE, you inadvertently hit it exactly - it takes place right outside.Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-32284171197292804552012-05-30T14:52:53.625-04:002012-05-30T14:52:53.625-04:00I sit corrected :). Anyway, we don't need Pari...I sit corrected :). Anyway, we don't need Paris twice. (yes, no face saved)nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-62021086742647568512012-05-30T14:05:14.008-04:002012-05-30T14:05:14.008-04:00Not wanting to include an error anywhere on my blo...Not wanting to include an error anywhere on my blog, I Googled Paris airport, and found the official name to be Paris Charles de Gaulle. How it's referred to by frequent travelers may differ from how it's referred to by a kid whose only point of reference is the name of the airport on her ticket. <i>If</i> the name of the airport is on her ticket.<br /><br />In any case, I had no idea when I wrote that whether the abduction took place in, outside, or miles from the airport, so maybe the airport doesn't need to be mentioned at all.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-68712472729144409102012-05-30T13:40:14.759-04:002012-05-30T13:40:14.759-04:00Next rock.
--especially when the shadowy backers ...Next rock.<br /><br />--especially when the shadowy backers they've been working for eliminate their assets the instant they lose their value.<br /><br /><i>Fortunately, Kaia has some powerful new friends on her side, including Connor, that irritating Brit… who also happens to be annoyingly attractive when he risks life and limb to protect those he cares about.</i><br /><br />What's Kaia's dilemma? Again, it's not here. Is it in the book?nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-66394998387262243992012-05-30T13:39:57.379-04:002012-05-30T13:39:57.379-04:00Okay, leaving aside the strange assumption that St...Okay, leaving aside the strange assumption that Stockholm Syndrome strikes instantly, or perhaps that women don't really mind being kidnapped so long as the kidnapper is fanciable....<br /><br /><i>High school student Kaia Davis is thrilled to leave behind her unloving foster family for a foreign exchange program in Paris – until she's kidnapped outside Paris Charles de Gaulle Airport by a cocky (but cute) British boy named Connor.</i><br /><br />As you've already said she's going to Paris, you probably don't need to add Paris to the name of the airport. I realise EE did that, but it's not how CdG is commonly referred to. Apart from that, and the objectionable assumption aforementioned, this is much better imo. Although I would change program to visit.<br /><br /><i>Kaia wakes up to find she's been recruited into a covert unit made up of teenagers calling themselves "Shifters."</i><br /><br />'Recruited' sounds too voluntary. How about conscripted?<br /><br /><i>Hailing from around the world, each of them possesses the ability to manipulate one of the earth's elements</i><br /><br />Each of them hails from around the world? That's not what you meant but it's a valid reading. Dang participles.<br /><br /><i> – transforming them from gas to liquid, altering their structure, or just moving them around really fast and whacking people with them. At first, Kaia's convinced they've made a terrible mistake.</i><br /><br />After some thought, I realised you meant the mistake is forcibly recruiting Kaia, but at first glance it reads as if their mistake is thinking they can do these things, or perhaps doing them. In any case, I think that needs a new paragraph.<br /><br />I would like some explanation as to how it is that Kaia doesn't know she has powers, but these people apparently do.<br /><br /><i>Until, that is, she discovers she has a silicon-based power of her own which lets her do little things like shatter and manipulate glass or create flesh-gouging whirlwinds of sand with her mind.</i><br /><br />Which is fine, except discovers doesn't feel like the right verb. Learns, maybe. This is presumably something she finds out from the Shifters?<br /><br /><i>Joining up with this ragtag "family" turns out to be dangerous and terrifying but still pretty cool. Stopping terrorists, busting up drug cartels, saving people's lives – becoming a real life superhero.</i><br /><br />Okay (reservations about 'joining' and why she isn't mad as hell at being kidnapped aside).<br /><br />The next bit again needs a new paragraph imo.<br /><br /><i>Unbeknownst to Kaia, however, the secretive backers of their group have been feeding all of them misinformation and carefully controlling their missions for one purpose: to use the Shifters to help the very criminals they believed they were stopping.</i><br /><br />Is it only Kaia who doesn't know, or is it all the Shifters who don't know? Or is it only some of them who don't know, and others have known all along?<br /><br />Unbeknownst to the Shifters, however, their secretive backers are deceiving and manipulating them so they can use the group to assist the very criminals they think they're fighting.<br /><br /><i>Finding out the truth is one thing, but finding a way out is another – especially when the shadowy cabal you've been working for is willing and able to eliminate its assets the instant they stop being of value.</i><br /><br />C'mon, there has to be some emotional response to this discovery. They've been lied to, they've been used, everything they think they stand for has been perverted, they've put drugs on the street and they've helped terrorists to bomb, maim and kill. Where's the emotion?<br /><br />(continued on next rock)nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.com