tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post5056043423582833306..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 501Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-55249758589407570722008-05-18T16:37:00.000-04:002008-05-18T16:37:00.000-04:00Yeah, you had a party, and didn't invite me. Snif...Yeah, you had a party, and didn't invite me. Sniffle.<BR/><BR/>I'm not feeling any voice in this. Just a dry recounting of events. Everything conspires to present indifference to the kidnappings--using "the children" instead of "our"; then "our towns' children", as if they don't belong to people, but to a set of buildings. If that's the impression that's wanted, then it's working well, but it isn't inspiring me to read on.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-88254659679975888912008-05-18T10:12:00.000-04:002008-05-18T10:12:00.000-04:00I like the writing and pacing of the opening. I fo...I like the writing and pacing of the opening. I found the details confusing, however.<BR/><BR/>I was going to go into a long description about this, but Dave pretty much covered what I was going to say. <BR/><BR/>My biggest problem with this, besides the contradictory statements about "witnessing" the kidnappings, is that I didn't get the sense that the townspeople watched their kids closely after the second kidnapping at all. Why were the townspeople celebrating? No reason is given for the first kidnappings, but with the witches' power, if it happened once, surely it could happen again, and the townspeople would be aware of that. Seems to me people would be taking more precautions.Stacyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03365582623380288038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-74666506768034091952008-05-18T09:43:00.000-04:002008-05-18T09:43:00.000-04:00Robin, you're not the only person who hasn't seen ...Robin, you're not the only person who hasn't seen Sweeney Todd in any way, shape, or form. <BR/><BR/>Totally didn't get the Mrs. Todd reference, but now that I know about it, it adds a whole new layer to the continuation.Stacyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03365582623380288038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-15141863780989992692008-05-17T23:11:00.000-04:002008-05-17T23:11:00.000-04:00I think half of us are in the next post up.I think half of us are in the next post up.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-13986344885188095572008-05-17T23:10:00.001-04:002008-05-17T23:10:00.001-04:00And if I'd said Sushi, less people would have got ...And if I'd said Sushi, less people would have got the joke...rilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06988777482435230194noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-82939383043527425322008-05-17T23:10:00.000-04:002008-05-17T23:10:00.000-04:00Remember, I'm British. Pies are an integral part o...Remember, I'm British. Pies are an integral part of our cultural heritage.rilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06988777482435230194noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-37861672809893474442008-05-17T23:06:00.000-04:002008-05-17T23:06:00.000-04:00Right, you randomly chose pies instead of tacos or...Right, you randomly chose pies instead of tacos or meatloaf.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17826170629489500832008-05-17T23:03:00.000-04:002008-05-17T23:03:00.000-04:00Funnily enough, Sweeny Todd was not in my mind at ...Funnily enough, Sweeny Todd was not in my mind at all when I wrote the continuation...rilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06988777482435230194noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-45195882186462961682008-05-17T22:43:00.000-04:002008-05-17T22:43:00.000-04:00Just got in and had a chance to sit down and read ...Just got in and had a chance to sit down and read through. Then I looked at the comments, and read through again.<BR/><BR/>I like the voice you've got in this , xiexie, and the idea of this as a beginning.<BR/><BR/>To me, if you subtract out the first sentence - which is a really good hook of a first sentence - if the rest of the opening flowed from it naturally - if you took the first sentence off - and then started, then I understand what's happening. I can just about see it - and I like it.<BR/><BR/>ril- I may be the only person on this blog that has never seen Sweeney Todd in any way, shape, or form, and doesn't care - but even so, knowing the anecdotal little bit I know of the story - that was a good continuation.Robin S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/03258459688300851984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-22501593282575985832008-05-17T22:01:00.000-04:002008-05-17T22:01:00.000-04:00Think of it as alternate history in which the main...<I>Think of it as alternate history in which the main characters live and marry and stay in the pie business.</I><BR/><BR/>Oh, it's <I>fiction</I>. Now I get it.Phoenix Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03290349031002504007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90088500309609105842008-05-17T21:55:00.000-04:002008-05-17T21:55:00.000-04:00I do like the voice, but you have to clarify the a...I do like the voice, but you have to clarify the action here. I'd suggest that you just start simply. Perhaps just say they didn't see the first kidnapping, but the witches didn't bother to hide, laughing from the clouds as they took the other kids. I read this three times and still didn't get that it was a different batch of kids taken the second time.<BR/><BR/>The imagery of the roiling clouds is very nice. I would have read on a bit, but this still needs some work. Streamlining is what I'd call what it needs.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-21117636534417588592008-05-17T21:36:00.000-04:002008-05-17T21:36:00.000-04:00I'm afraid Mrs. Todd took me right out of the cont...<I>I'm afraid Mrs. Todd took me right out of the continuation.</I> <BR/><BR/>Mrs. Todd was added by me at the suggestion of those at today's workshop, because the pies were considered too obscure for those who haven't seen Sweeney Todd since 1982. I could have said Mrs. Lovett, but if you don't remember the pies, you're unlikely to remember her name. Besides, the pies aren't mentioned until the last sentence.<BR/><BR/>Think of it as alternate history in which the main characters live and marry and stay in the pie business.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-91442235790734913302008-05-17T20:51:00.000-04:002008-05-17T20:51:00.000-04:00The musical version of SWEENEY TODD starring Angel...The musical version of SWEENEY TODD starring Angela Lansbury was televised in 1982. It had had a good stage run previously.talpiannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13978075304795724185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-32954391075512726512008-05-17T20:49:00.000-04:002008-05-17T20:49:00.000-04:00I like the voice for the first couple of paragraph...I like the voice for the first couple of paragraphs, but then I start loking for an individual character and specfic events :)<BR/><BR/>For me, the first couple of sentence made sense but I did wonder why the children were taken away, returned and then taken away again, even though I read the age thing the first time. So an apparent repeating of events + the general nature of the recounting makes me want to stop reading by the fourth paragraph.Xenithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15550985137843901009noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-32095224726850818252008-05-17T20:37:00.000-04:002008-05-17T20:37:00.000-04:00Hi Xiexie: Let me say that if I'm going to have st...Hi <B>Xiexie</B>: Let me say that if I'm going to have stuff told to me, this is a voice I'm happy to hear it from. So yay for the voice (even if others are disagreeing). However, what that voice is telling me is a bit confusing (as others, too, have mentioned).<BR/><BR/>P1:<BR/>If they witnessed the kidnappngs, that implies they saw or heard something. But then it says no one really saw them. So the children vanish, presumably while some parents or other adults watch. How is that different from when the younger kids are taken? There's laughter, clouds roiling, and kids vanishing the second time, but how is watching the older kids vanish different than watching the younger kids go bye-bye? Other than the addition of some special effects?<BR/><BR/>P3:<BR/>They flee to their homes. Then they celebrate - I thought they were celebrating at home, but no, it says they returned to their homes once again, so I don't know where they were celebrating. On first read, it also sounded like they were celebrating for a long time (implied by the food running short), not just one evening. And I think you mean they grew tired FROM the rejoicing, but it sounds like they grew tired OF the rejoicing. <BR/><BR/>P4:<BR/>By saying this time was a horror, it implies maybe the older kids vanishing hadn't been a horror. Just tweaking to add 'again' or 'another' or something similar should fix. And yeah, I didn't recognize on first read that this was a different age group now vanishing. And I noted above that I don't see much difference in the witnessing. Your comment explan helped, but that's not what I picked up on first read. <BR/><BR/>A bit of a rough start but, fixed up, I'd read on.<BR/><BR/><B>Ril</B>: I'm afraid <I>Mrs.</I> Todd took me right out of the continuation. Wasn't Mrs. Todd Mrs. Perfect -- and long dead by the time the pies started showing up? Or was that just an unfortunate name choice :o)<BR/><BR/><B>Dave</B>: The movie version does cut some essential musical numbers (and sound effects), but it's still a joy. Definitely worth renting. Even if it doesn't have Angela, who couldn't have been more perfect as Mrs. L, in it.Phoenix Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03290349031002504007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-66030565212204303242008-05-17T20:22:00.000-04:002008-05-17T20:22:00.000-04:00I wast thinking about this as I ate to silly movie...I wast thinking about this as I ate to silly movies and political fertilizer. <BR/><BR/>Did you ever see the first "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" from the 50's? <BR/><BR/>Kevin McCarthy, the guy running through traffic, yelling out the story is compelling. He is afraid to fall asleep. He is afraid that the cars are filled with aliens. he's seen his wife and friends converted. He's a real mess, but his frantic panic is compelling. <BR/><BR/>You need to create that type of passion in your opening. A crazy man (but not crazy) running around through traffic, telling a crazy story.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-3781936851819306792008-05-17T19:47:00.000-04:002008-05-17T19:47:00.000-04:00I enjoy fantasy, but this opening was confusing.Th...I enjoy fantasy, but this opening was confusing.<BR/><BR/>The first two sentences are contradicting each other: We all saw - oh, not really, but we knew who must have done it. The contradiction held me up, irritated me, and kept me from becoming invested in the horror revealed in the third sentence. So I was, as another commentator put it, emotionally detached from the whole scenario.<BR/><BR/>'Magicians' and 'witches' are two different species of magic user, with different skills and ways of working. Readers of fantasy (presumably your target audience) know the difference. It is generally safe to conflate magicians and sorcerers (except for the nit-pickers among us), but it would be less confusing if you referred to the evil-doers the same way each time, at least until the reader is firmly in the picture.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-26280321276815346572008-05-17T18:54:00.000-04:002008-05-17T18:54:00.000-04:00You have to do more to separate the children by ag...You have to do more to separate the children by age. <BR/><BR/>The first time the witches do this, the witches present it as a joke or a mistake or something oter than malice when they return the teens and preteens. That puts the townsfolk off their guard. <BR/><BR/>The second time, the townsfolk must stand there helpless as the witches hide in the clouds and make the younger children disappear. <BR/><BR/>There's a time sequence to your events. The oler kids vanish. The witches ride in on clouds, lightning and thunder. They return the kids and make escuses. The next day, the younger children disappear as the townsfolk watch. <BR/><BR/>That's the basic sequence - now you ahve to dress it up. Make the second day a Sunday or a festival where all the younger children are in the finest clothing and parading around. Make the first day some event where the older kids are gathered together and vanish all at once. Maybe a High School sporting event. <BR/><BR/>Perhaps turn this into a narration by your main character.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-32777669121807070532008-05-17T17:17:00.000-04:002008-05-17T17:17:00.000-04:00Dave, I also agree with your sentiments about chil...Dave, I also agree with your sentiments about children-watching. I have 3 nieces and a shitload of younger cousins that I've had to watch over many a time. <BR/><BR/>These townspeople didn't take their eyes off the younger children. That's what I was trying to convey with "...sorcerers forced us to witness their thievery." The older kids where whisked away when unattended to; the younger were whisked away whilst being attended to.Xiexiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02265895952183646895noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-7582147901105993912008-05-17T17:13:00.000-04:002008-05-17T17:13:00.000-04:00"whom to blame" is correct."whom to blame" is correct.Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-84699726875860486212008-05-17T17:11:00.000-04:002008-05-17T17:11:00.000-04:00I can sense the confusion, Dave -- oh , and Tim Bu...I can sense the confusion, Dave -- oh , and Tim Burton's Johnny Depp's <I>Sweeny Todd </I> was brilliant. I really liked it, and who knew Johnny Depp could sing too.<BR/><BR/>Back to the confusion. The witches took the tween/early teenagers, those from about 11-14. After returning them, they take the younger ones from like toddler-aged to 10-years-old.Xiexiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02265895952183646895noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-8940532183979331422008-05-17T17:07:00.000-04:002008-05-17T17:07:00.000-04:00I like your reworking there Sarah.Also wonderful c...I like your reworking there Sarah.<BR/><BR/>Also wonderful continuation rilXiexiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02265895952183646895noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-41583793558863116082008-05-17T16:59:00.000-04:002008-05-17T16:59:00.000-04:00This reads very flat to me, and I think it's becau...This reads very flat to me, and I think it's because the sentences are all of a similar length. I'm getting no variety in that respect and it makes figuring out the who/what/why very difficult.Whirlochrehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09846196906206886945noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90981259873529544912008-05-17T16:48:00.000-04:002008-05-17T16:48:00.000-04:00Yeah, because Disneyland is FULL of sorcerors....A...Yeah, because Disneyland is FULL of sorcerors....<BR/><BR/>Again, I found myself too detached from this opening. There's too much "telling" and too many generalisations. I don't see the events happening; I don't feel any emotion.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-44498968830042399542008-05-17T16:20:00.000-04:002008-05-17T16:20:00.000-04:00Intriguing, but a bit confusing. I'd read on.Here'...Intriguing, but a bit confusing. I'd read on.<BR/><BR/>Here's my suggestion that clears up my confusion. Not sure it's the way the story goes though.<BR/><BR/>All our towns' children, ages ten to thirteen, vanished in a blink's time. Lightning struck our lands, and thunder crashed above us, shaking the earth. The clouds grew darker and heavier, but not one drop of water fell from them. We watched in amazement. Never before had we witnessed a storm without rain. Then those despicable witches of the south poured down from the clouds in effortless flight. No one truly saw them take the children away, but we knew who to blame.<BR/><BR/>They returned our children to us, confirming our suspicions. We scooped up the returned and fled to our homes. Celebrations consumed us until the food ran short and our rejoicing grew tiring. We finally had a chance for a contented rest.<BR/><BR/>The next morning we woke to a horror. Our youngest began vanishing, fading away before our eyes. Laughter erupted from the skies, and clouds to the south roiled without rainfall. This time the witches forced us to witness their thievery.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.com