tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post5026735004159907974..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 640 (horror short story)Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-36928129064207894642009-05-20T20:00:38.624-04:002009-05-20T20:00:38.624-04:00Oh My God! Phoenix is right. The Troll is back. I...Oh My God! Phoenix is right. The Troll is back. I'm so happy!<br /><br />This was a piece of art, this continuation. Although it does kind make me nervous that he knows about so bloody many disorders...<br /><br /><br />And Jenny,<br /><br />I like it - and I'd read on. The only thing I'd take out is the "C'mon; it'll be fun" line.<br /><br />And I liked how the dark place was mentioned in para one, and then brought up again, real though past world, in the fourth para.Robin B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11471528485010071521noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-15883763547085502882009-05-20T15:17:28.262-04:002009-05-20T15:17:28.262-04:00I like this -- the voice, premise etc, but I agree...I like this -- the voice, premise etc, but I agree that It should just start with the mom.Xiexiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02265895952183646895noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-12614974154342071302009-05-20T14:25:39.073-04:002009-05-20T14:25:39.073-04:00Shaggy dog story!Shaggy dog story!nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-18031064478450033282009-05-20T13:58:54.466-04:002009-05-20T13:58:54.466-04:00BTW, I liked the voice in the opening, and I'd rea...BTW, I liked the voice in the opening, and I'd read on.Chris Eldinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16732006129353079344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-35967623304749873172009-05-20T13:57:29.127-04:002009-05-20T13:57:29.127-04:00OMG!! BT, that is BRILLIANT!!
I see the koala has...OMG!! BT, that is BRILLIANT!!<br /><br />I see the koala has given you some vitamins. Keep taking them.<br />:-)Chris Eldinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16732006129353079344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-47439519276645006842009-05-20T12:40:16.092-04:002009-05-20T12:40:16.092-04:00The story is very short; it's only about 1,000 wor...The story is very short; it's only about 1,000 words. The reader meets the rest of the narrators family and is introduced to the real crazy. I'd post the rest, if it's permitted by EE. <br /><br />It was written just for fun and practice.jmartinlibraryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11518086626337975099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-68291659277054756942009-05-20T11:14:38.254-04:002009-05-20T11:14:38.254-04:00this is more like author's character sketch homewo...this is more like author's character sketch homework, than scene 1 of the plot. try reading up on the "inciting incident" concept and write a new page 1, or maybe just cut all the verbage that precedes your inciting incident.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-42809705649066539702009-05-20T10:05:46.826-04:002009-05-20T10:05:46.826-04:00I suspect that no amount of kicking will magically...I suspect that no amount of kicking will magically restore motor function in someone that depressed.<br /><br />This is the sort of opening I see a lot in slush, and it doesn't inspire me to read on, I'm afraid. Really needs a much stronger and more engaging voice from the narrator.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-27602527547283156772009-05-20T09:57:27.598-04:002009-05-20T09:57:27.598-04:00I would cut the first paragraph and open with the ...I would cut the first paragraph and open with the mom. That way, you can actually show her interactions with the world, rather than telling us all about it. I think I'd feel more drawn in if you were explaining about how she used to be while watching her get kicked and head out for the dishes, just to return again as soon as he's asleep.<br /><br />Having said that, I'd keep reading from here as it stands.Sylviahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05925593802209715440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-18986636861916553302009-05-20T09:41:33.122-04:002009-05-20T09:41:33.122-04:00The Troll is definitely back with a bang! Hope to ...The Troll is definitely back with a bang! Hope to see more from you, BT. Two wowzers from you just isn't enough. You could be 2009's answer to Ril, yanno, if you keep it up. Although Matt's contin was also pretty terrif. Tough choice this time!<br /><br />Sorry, Jenny, I'll be back later to comment on your opening. I was just blown away by the contins...Phoenix Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03290349031002504007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-44943876042845538792009-05-20T09:33:50.634-04:002009-05-20T09:33:50.634-04:00I can't tell if this entire section is about the m...I can't tell if this entire section is about the mom, with the other family members coming up soon, or if this is the evidence about mom, dad and grandma. The dad/grandma sections are providing evidence of why mom is/went crazy.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-42049538717020246432009-05-20T09:11:08.152-04:002009-05-20T09:11:08.152-04:00Love the continuation! It perfectly mimics the or...Love the continuation! It perfectly mimics the original!<br /><br />I liked the voice of this opening, Author, and I would have read on. But I hope you get to the point in the next paragraph, as this is a short story and you don't have the room to continue with what is essentially background.<br /><br />That said, I suspect you really would be better off losing much of this banter, as it really is background. But if it is necessary set up and you go on in this manner for a while longer, you are definitely wasting valuable real estate in a short story and you should trim or omit.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-63780228741339240532009-05-20T08:52:18.469-04:002009-05-20T08:52:18.469-04:00It's you. Come on.It's you. Come on.150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-63935813799873560652009-05-20T08:46:50.456-04:002009-05-20T08:46:50.456-04:00Unchosen continuation:
I don't know where she go...Unchosen continuation:<br /><br /><br />I don't know where she got the shotgun. But one night, after dad had fallen asleep, she pulled it out from under the couch cushions.<br /><br />It was a fancy rig, a gleaming black Mossberg 500 with pistol grips and a magazine extender.<br /><br />We knew there was going to be trouble as soon as she took it out. Dad knew he was in trouble when she chambered the first round. It's funny how fast the sound of a shotgun shell being chambered will wake someone up.<br /><br />"Look, Honey," was as far as he got.<br /><br />She only shot him the one time. That was enough. He hardly moved, just sat there in his La-Z-Boy staring at the television with big dead eyes and a hole in his chest.<br /><br />"I'm going to bed," she said as she headed for the stairs. "And ain't nobody waking me up 'till I'm good and ready."<br /><br />--Matt HeppeEvil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.com