tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post4384887198645483390..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 418Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-61842466663803822092007-12-17T14:56:00.000-05:002007-12-17T14:56:00.000-05:00Narrator = female! Congrats to "stick and move" fo...Narrator = female! Congrats to "stick and move" for that keen observation. As the story is being told from a set point in the near future (two weeks from the story's opening), the adverb "petulantly" functions as self-mocking commentary on the narrator's own behaviour. I do agree that overuse of adverbs in dialogue tags is problematic, but this one has a specific function.<BR/><BR/>EE, I definitely see your point about "I" versus "it"... The first bit of your comment, however,<BR/><BR/>"Presumably they've dicussed her leaving, so phoning to ask how he feels seems premature. Not just because it's 5:45 AM; I'd expect her to wait a week or two."<BR/><BR/>...seems to refer to the continuation and not my opening. Is that right? It's the continuation that has Sandra asking about feelings.<BR/><BR/>Mckoala: yes! An immediate, if unflattering, characterisation of Sandra was exactly what I was going for.<BR/><BR/>Sarah: thanks for the positive review. This is another "quiet" short story. Basically: Sandra's absence leaves the narrator vulnerable to an encounter with a man she once rejected (they had a deeply complicated relationship and have not spoken in four years). He now does abstract modern paintings and, when she visits his gallery show, she becomes convinced that all his paintings are violent destructions of her portrait. The narrator's childlike dependence on her superficial relationship with Sandra, coupled with Sandra's absence at key moments of emotional instability, determine how the events play out.<BR/><BR/>A far cry from what most of you likely expected, no doubt... I realise Sandra's leaving is not necessarily the most intriguing event to open with, but it's so crucial to the rhythm of the story that I couldn't see it any other way. Thoughts?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16323867902164967078noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-53617599286154837732007-12-15T09:29:00.000-05:002007-12-15T09:29:00.000-05:00From the first sentence in the second paragraph, I...From the first sentence in the second paragraph, I read the narrator as a female: "You woke me up," I told her petulantly.<BR/><BR/>I don't care much for adverbs in dialogue tags to start with, and if this is a male character telling us he did anything petulantly, I don't like him at all. In fact, it makes me want to pimp slap him and tell him to grow up. If it's a female, I still don't like the adverb but I wouldn't rip the book in half.<BR/><BR/>I like "I" rather than "it" in the "True" argument.<BR/><BR/>I agree with the comments about needing some action soon, but I'd keep reading... unless the MC is a dude.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-75346719999849562422007-12-12T00:14:00.000-05:002007-12-12T00:14:00.000-05:00Maybe if it becomes two sentences, then it's a lit...Maybe if it becomes two sentences, then it's a little more clear?<BR/><BR/>"True," I said. I wasn't.<BR/><BR/>I like this. Yeah, there's no immediate action, but the characters are being established very nicely. A lot does depend on what happens next and if that will continue to pull me into the story.<BR/><BR/>Instead of yanking me in, it's wafting me gently through the words. I hope it continues.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-80620921394952507472007-12-11T21:13:00.000-05:002007-12-11T21:13:00.000-05:00I think phoning at 5.45 am to boast about how you ...I think phoning at 5.45 am to boast about how you didn't slam the door is a great comment on the character. <BR/><BR/>I would have thought that the confiscation and boredom would make her tetchy rather than giggly.McKoalahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01457446171624585099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-19114328492101990642007-12-11T17:09:00.000-05:002007-12-11T17:09:00.000-05:00Fair enough -- makes sense now I read it again. Wa...Fair enough -- makes sense now I read it again. <BR/><BR/>Wasn't really trying to pick a fight, just expressing a subjective preference.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-78330682992668894882007-12-11T15:56:00.000-05:002007-12-11T15:56:00.000-05:00Not sure what "scans better" means, nor am I sayin...Not sure what "scans better" means, nor am I saying there's something wrong with "it."<BR/><BR/>"I wasn't" means I wasn't well-rested.<BR/><BR/>"it wasn't" means it wasn't true that I <I>should be</I> well-rested. <BR/><BR/>It's a lot easier for him to determine whether he is well-rested than whether he should be.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-59961587200842646922007-12-11T15:16:00.000-05:002007-12-11T15:16:00.000-05:00Hmm. I would personally stick with "'True,' I said...Hmm. I would personally stick with "'True,' I said, but <B>it</B> wasn't." i.e. It wasn't true. That scans better for me.<BR/><BR/>I liked the scenario. I felt the prose was just a tad over-written -- it sometimes feels a little labored getting to the point. Nice words, but rather a lot of them...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-54622081992368299372007-12-11T13:12:00.000-05:002007-12-11T13:12:00.000-05:00Presumably they've dicussed her leaving, so phonin...Presumably they've dicussed her leaving, so phoning to ask how he feels seems premature. Not just because it's 5:45 AM; I'd expect her to wait a week or two.<BR/><BR/>Also, phoning at 5:45 AM to brag that you didn't slam the door, just because you're bored, is hard to swallow. <BR/><BR/>Nonetheless, I liked this.<BR/><BR/>You might change <BR/><BR/>"True," I said, but it wasn't. <BR/><BR/>to<BR/><BR/>"True," I said, but I wasn't.<BR/><BR/>Possibly he <I>should</I> be well-rested (depending on when he went to bed), but he isn't because he woke up at 4 (which she doesn't know).Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-45356346642344171262007-12-11T12:44:00.000-05:002007-12-11T12:44:00.000-05:00Your character is waking from a dream and recallin...Your character is waking from a dream and recalling events that happened a few hours before. It's a great character description of Sandra but that's it. It's not a very dynamic opening. The only ways I can think to make this opening work is if the next paragraph contains an event. <BR/><BR/>for instance: <BR/>- - Sandra died in the plane crash. That was the last time I talked to her. <BR/>or<BR/>- - I didn't want to tell her I was leaving her. The movers were coming this afternoon while she was away.<BR/><BR/>Now if you opened with the sentence, "Sandra died that day," or with "Our affair ended with her business trip." That would make the exchange emotionally interesting.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.com