tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post4017030063036201177..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1137Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-42222989922734918102013-07-12T09:54:28.512-04:002013-07-12T09:54:28.512-04:00I'm hooked by the opening paragraph. I know th...I'm hooked by the opening paragraph. I know there are bat-people, sorcerers, and there was a war. <br />There are structure issues here. --> [If torture led to a few deaths, humans won’t miss slave children, anyway.]<br />The khan is her uncle, but then we mention her dad, and the story is called the Khan's daughter. I'm guessing her dad was khan in the past. You might clarify this, or you might leave the title of khan off of her uncle. Either way, I think, would clear up the confusion.<br />David B Goodehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14690703660150173981noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-76631877108517245982013-07-11T10:31:46.084-04:002013-07-11T10:31:46.084-04:00It's much easier to tell what's going on i...It's much easier to tell what's going on in this version, and you've got a slightly more believable reaction to human sacrifice here.<br /><br />But the rationale for the sacrifices sounds flimsy (granted, it would be hard to come up with a <i>good</i> rationale) and I can't picture the uncle bothering to explain himself to the kid. Seems more likely he'd just add her to the mass grave.<br /><br />Awkward phrasing:<br /><br /><i>when she finds a mass grave of human children, her uncle – the master khan – has gone too far</i><br /><br />(Sounds like he went too far <i>before</i> she found it.)<br /><br /><i>next to the relic stone, they don’t care about the dead children<br /><br />unleashing its power betrays her father</i><br /><br />Also, "disgusted" seems like an inadequate reaction to the discovery that one's uncle is into human sacrifice. Though I suppose it depends on the uncle.<br />AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-4932645582321751772013-07-10T16:04:22.983-04:002013-07-10T16:04:22.983-04:00Bat people is cool; it’s a good thing you mentione...Bat people is cool; it’s a good thing you mentioned that.<br /><br />Is khan a synonym for bat? ( a race of bat people, the khans) In this version, a first-time reader won’t know what a khan is. <br /><br />This now sounds like a much darker story (torturing children?), and your protag less likeable – it sounds like she’s planning a murder of her own.<br /><br />Or does she not intend murder, only to leave her uncle with nothing to guard? And then, why would she unleash its power? Just hand it over to the sorcerers, post it to Timbuktu or bury it in a new spot.Tknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-85686126500091362632013-07-10T15:46:20.112-04:002013-07-10T15:46:20.112-04:00The writing is better, and I have a more clear pic...The writing is better, and I have a more clear picture of the plot, but this is mostly set-up that can be shortened to allow yet more plot. <br /><br />How does she 'turn to' the relic? What does she DO with it? Can she harness it's power? If so, what does she DO? <br /><br />In P1 sentence 3 and 5 are missing words, I think. And the punctuation isn't helping.<br /><br />I agree that mass killing of kids who MAY have overheard the location of the LWOR is pretty flimsy. There must be a darker truth that Sangar discovers. Please don't let the evil Khan's voice infect the query.<br /><br />She's Batgirl? Why didn't you say that the FIRST time!<br /><br />How long ago was the war? Do bat people have a human-like life span? Just wondering if the time frames match.<br /><br />Why are human children slaves?<br /><br />Instead of killing the slaves all the time, wouldn't it be easier to cut their tongues out to prevent them from blabbing to the sorcerers? I mean, from an Econ 101 standpoint this seems to be diminishing returns. Just as soon as you get a slave trained right you're slitting their throats because they heard a rumor...<br /><br />I still think it's short...<br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-61541309648186638742013-07-10T14:28:04.178-04:002013-07-10T14:28:04.178-04:00P1: Wouldn't it be easier to hide the relic so...P1: Wouldn't it be easier to hide the relic somewhere else than to torture children because they might know how the sorcerers plan to find it? Why would the sorcerers discuss their plans in the presence of these children anyway?<br /><br />P2: Whaddaya mean she flies? These bat people can fly? Even if they can, she pleads with them or asks them to intervene. Flies to them to intervene doesn't make sense.<br /><br />Get rid of "next to the relic stone, they don’t care about the dead children." Say "they won't help unless she gives up the relic stone."<br /><br />I would say "It" can end the master khan's rule, not "she." Or "With it, she..."<br /><br />Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90497673671388318452013-07-10T14:01:29.952-04:002013-07-10T14:01:29.952-04:00Thanks for your comments and suggestions. I've...<br /><br /> Thanks for your comments and suggestions. I've revised with these in mind. I would appreciate hearing what you think of this:<br /><br /><br /> Sangar belongs to a race of bat-people who have distrusted humans and their sorcerers since the war. For generations, her family has hidden and protected a relic that can magnify a sorcerer’s power tenfold. Sangar would give her life to keep it secret, but when she finds a mass grave of human children, her uncle – the master khan – has gone too far. He insists these children might have heard some of the sorcerers’ plans to find the relic. If torture led to a few deaths, humans won’t miss slave children, anyway.<br /><br /> Sangar is disgusted. She flies to the other khans to intervene, but they won’t defy her uncle’s authority. She even considers an alliance with the sorcerers, but her uncle was right about them – next to the relic stone, they don’t care about the dead children. Eventually she turns to the forbidden relic. She can end the master khan’s rule, but unleashing its power betrays her father and generations of her clan – and draws sorcerers like a signal fire.<br /><br /> THE KHAN’S DAUGHTER, a YA Fantasy in the vein of GRACELING, is complete at 50,000 words. I’m a member of SCBWI. The first ten pages are enclosed per your agency’s website. Thank you for your consideration.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-40426252096710900312013-07-10T14:01:06.557-04:002013-07-10T14:01:06.557-04:00What's with these comments about the Lug Wrenc...What's with these comments about the Lug Wrench of Doom? It's the Lug Wrench of Rohr.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-64383261580706329992013-07-07T08:05:17.225-04:002013-07-07T08:05:17.225-04:00Hi author,
I've been sitting on my thoughts ab...Hi author,<br />I've been sitting on my thoughts about this query for too long, basically because I guess I struggle with the child sacrifice aspect of this plot. <br /><br />I really can't get behind a protagonist who isn't sure she should stop the murder of innocents.<br /><br />Plot holes otherwise: Sangar's power seems small compared to the others guarding the LWOD. How can she obtain it? <br /><br />Also, what's the difference between a king and a khan? Seems that one is appropriate in one setting, while the other is for a different one, and never the twain shall meet, so the combo here is jarring.<br /><br />Nobody has mentioned this on this query but 50,000 words is a short YA fantasy--they are generally mush longer, nearly double the word count. Bear in mind some readers will see your word count and wonder if the book is thin on world-building or plot. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38329862710309194412013-07-04T14:44:52.127-04:002013-07-04T14:44:52.127-04:00One of the things about this sort of Lug Wrench of...One of the things about this sort of Lug Wrench of Doom plot that bothers me is this: If the LWOD has been kept secure for a while, everyone is doing OK, why steal it, run all over the place, and then destroy it? Is breaking it going to make things that much better? Will it make things better at all? Or will it just unleash a new disaster?<br /><br />Usually the plot assumes that destroying the LWOD is a Good Thing. Well, maybe it shouldn't be.khazar-khumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38395294370630784262013-07-03T17:07:16.383-04:002013-07-03T17:07:16.383-04:00Hi author,
Like Alaska, I'm not connecting wi...Hi author,<br /><br />Like Alaska, I'm not connecting with your word choices; there is a distancing feel from grand phrases such as powerful relic, those who wield magic, sacred duty, against generations.... <br /><br />However, on the plot level, assuming S is actually going to steal and use the Lug Wrench (LOL EE), not just think about doing so (recommend you write it that way), it seems you have escalating stakes and a protag who has protagged herself into a lot of hot water, both good signs. Forgive me for playing with your query written in a different register:<br /><br /><i>[Teenage?] Sangar just joined the Khanate, the family firm. Their century-old mission: keeping the Lug Wrench of Rohr, a magic amplifier, safe from sorcerers. It's an important job; the last sorcerer who got his hands on the thing used it to drop a mountain on the capital city.<br /><br />When her uncle sends Sangar down to the basement to do some filing, she discovers a mass grave. She confronts the family and their chilling response stuns her – human sacrifice is the power that repels sorcerers. Every [year?month?week?], one of the khans steals a child and discards the body on a protective mound of bones.<br /><br />Sangar can think of only one way to stop the next murder: steal the Lug Wrench. Now she's not only betrayed her family, but both sorcerers and khans are hot on her trail. And if she tries to use the Wrench, she might flatten another mountain range... making a few human sacrifices a drop in an ocean of destruction.</i>Tknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-75292320339668503622013-07-03T16:19:34.392-04:002013-07-03T16:19:34.392-04:00Sangar discovers children are being sacrificed to ...Sangar discovers children are being sacrificed to prevent a relic from falling into the hands of sorcerers. <br />What are the sorcerers want with the relic that makes it worse than killing children? Deposing a murderous king doesn’t seem like a bad thing in comparison. <br />Don’t get me wrong, this story has an interesting premise. The reasons why she should stop the killing are obvious. The reasons why she can’t are not compelling.PLaFnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-54039296527571099832013-07-03T16:00:52.811-04:002013-07-03T16:00:52.811-04:00I really have to stop reading this blog while I...I really have to stop reading this blog while I'm at work. EE, your parenthetical comments regularly cause me to break out into laughter! And snorting. So embarrassing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-66175815908427021512013-07-03T15:59:25.193-04:002013-07-03T15:59:25.193-04:00As written, the sacrifice of the children and the ...As written, the sacrifice of the children and the relic being protected seem disconnected. If there is a connection between them you might want to make that clearer.<br /><br />A reason why sacrificing children protects against sorcerers and what the sorcerers do (with or without the relic) besides pull down mountains (which doesn't sound that bad considering it might provide farmable flatland) might also help. i.e. make the stakes clearer.<br /><br />Hope this helpsAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-55157607770656799572013-07-03T14:37:21.667-04:002013-07-03T14:37:21.667-04:00Writer, beware of overwriting. Use clear, concise ...Writer, beware of overwriting. Use clear, concise sentences to tell us about your story.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.com