tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post3988687517994683369..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1038Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-43542417774734699472012-06-28T10:48:34.247-04:002012-06-28T10:48:34.247-04:00Go with prophesies, not prophesizes. And certainly...Go with prophesies, not prophesizes. And certainly not prophecies, which is a noun.<br /><br />Is she the princess of swans or the prince of swans? Calling the book Princess of Swans, and calling Feyana a female prince of swans is confusing. What's her official title? Would you call the 1st male heir a male princess if the previous heirs had all been girls?Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-20087032521700448642012-06-28T09:52:17.902-04:002012-06-28T09:52:17.902-04:00Sara, like I'm saying to KC (#1039) - thank yo...Sara, like I'm saying to KC (#1039) - thank you, thank you for bravely sharing so many rewrites. It's been fantastic to read your process and far more educational than just looking at one version and the critiques on it.<br /><br />Plus, they have got better each time and this one is great, with a zingy ending. I liked it best yet.<br /><br />P.S. prophesizes not propheciesTknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-36784783520860089212012-06-28T00:49:56.142-04:002012-06-28T00:49:56.142-04:00Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your conti...Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your continued comments. This query is already head and shoulders above where it started.<br /><br />My latest revision, taking the most recent comments into account:<br /><br />"As the first female Prince of Swans, Feyana Belmaron should be the most powerful woman in her country. Instead, she lives in isolation. After a wartime disaster killed Feyana's mother, the king confined his daughter to an isolated castle to keep her safe until the end of the war. Ten years later, the princess doubts that peace will ever arrive--or that she'll ever have a chance to serve her people.<br /><br />So when a winged volkari witch prophecies that Feyana will marry the enemy nation's own crown prince, the princess ventures out to find and woo him. Such a marriage of heirs would not only end Feyana's seclusion from power, but unite the warring countries for good. But her path to the altar runs through hundreds of miles of hostile territory, full of pirates, soldiers, and thieves long since angered by her father's policies--and eager to revenge themselves on his naive, sheltered heir. Unless Feyana can prove herself a worthy leader, she could lose a lot more than just her freedom.<br /><br />She could lose the war."Princess Sarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18028032277535641929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-58887296943699983452012-06-27T18:32:48.011-04:002012-06-27T18:32:48.011-04:00I like the revised versions. The one sticking poin...I like the revised versions. The one sticking point for me in the original was that it put a lot of emphasis on the poor little princess's lack of beauty, as if that was the reason she was locked up and the catalyst for her adventures. Throughout history, most aristocracy has been ugly as sin, and it never bothered them--the obscene amounts of money and militant power were enough to compensate. I just hope the characters in the novel are sensible about it--one would think that if you have the opportunity to annex a powerful nation and end a war just by signing a marriage certificate, a tan and a scar or two wouldn't stop you.T.K. Marnellhttp://blog.tkmarnell.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-53908920536360295422012-06-27T16:53:52.681-04:002012-06-27T16:53:52.681-04:00Volkkari is Finnish for the Volkswagen Beetle :)
...Volkkari is Finnish for the Volkswagen Beetle :)<br /><br />I don't think you need the word in the query if you have winged witch.<br /><br />Alaska is the YA expert, but I wonder if the key element isn't some sort of coming of age thing - perhaps you need to emphasize her angsty growing up/into herself. The revisions have been moving away from that - it's hard because you want her to be take-charge, but can you also show "sheltered" in a more emotional way so the agent sees the character arc too?<br /><br />???<br /><br />After a wartime disaster badly injured Feyana, her father confined her to a distant castle to keep her safe until the end of the war. Fifteen years later, the princess doubts that peace will ever arrive - or that she'll ever play a part in making it happen.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-8290839629732318252012-06-27T11:39:18.496-04:002012-06-27T11:39:18.496-04:00I searched for "volk" and hoped for the ...I searched for "volk" and hoped for the best. I'm in the process of rereading and spot editing, so if I catch any instances of "velcro," I'll first be highly amused, then make the appropriate changes. (Or maybe I'll just change the name to velcro everywhere else. Hmmm, possibilities.)<br /><br />You've convinced me to drop the "prisoner" reference. That makes sense to me, and I certainly don't want the query to be confusing.<br /><br />As for genre, I started out calling it adult fantasy, but my critique partners unanimously insisted it was YA. Is there a hard-and-fast rule distinguishing YA and adult? I've asked other writers about it, but I haven't gotten much more of a response than "I know it when I see it."<br /><br />Latest revision:<br /><br />"Twenty-year-old Feyana Belmaron--Amgovar's first female Prince of Swans and sole heir to the country's throne--should be the most powerful woman alive. Instead, she lives in isolation. After a wartime disaster killed the queen, Feyana’s father confined her to a distant castle to keep her safe until the end of the war. Fifteen years later, the princess doubts that peace will ever arrive.<br /><br />But when a winged volkari witch foretells Feyana's marriage to the crown prince of the enemy nation, the princess ventures out to find him and end the war for good. To reach him, she'll have to cross hundreds of miles of hostile territory, evading the pirates and soldiers who stalk her path. Her only allies, an impish thief and a part-time monster, can't stand each other--and worse, one of them is a traitor. Before she can save her country, the sheltered Feyana must first learn to save herself...or she'll become Amgovar's highest ranking casualty."Princess Sarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18028032277535641929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-6946314905622885992012-06-27T08:52:56.900-04:002012-06-27T08:52:56.900-04:00Hey, I was joking about the spelling. But if we...Hey, I was joking about the spelling. But if we're gonna discuss it, find and replace doesn't work unless you try every possible way the word could be spelled wrong. Did you you use find and replace to change all the places you spelled it velcro?<br /><br />If my father told me told me to go to my room and said I was absolutely forbidden to come out, and I came out three hours later, I wouldn't say I "escaped." My point being, if the princess could have gone over the wall anytime but chose not to until she had the prince incentive... Even if she's a prisoner in the book, she doesn't need to be in the query. The view we have of a father who puts his daughter in a safe house isn't the same as the view we have of a father who imprisons his daughter.<br /><br />Now that you've revealed the princess is 20 years old, I'm not sure why it's specifically for the YA audience.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-50264513387236167312012-06-27T01:04:04.357-04:002012-06-27T01:04:04.357-04:00It's spelled exactly one way in the book. Fin...It's spelled exactly one way in the book. Find and replace is a glorious tool. Based on the confusion people were having with the spelling, I tried to simplify it (hence the change in this revision).<br /><br />I like your suggestion regarding the list. That definitely reads better.<br /><br />Striking "injured" is easy enough.<br /><br />In the novel her father outright refuses to let her leave, forcing her to escape over the wall. Escape is the correct word.<br /><br />Thank you for your feedback, it has been very, very helpful!Princess Sarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18028032277535641929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-63915800213950546692012-06-27T00:29:12.094-04:002012-06-27T00:29:12.094-04:00First of all, the original spelled it volkarei, th...First of all, the original spelled it volkarei, then two people commented on it, spelling it Volkerai, and now you're spelling it volkari. Ten to one it's spelled at least three different ways in the book. Maybe you should make up a word that's easier to spell.<br /><br />The last paragraph is a list of dangers: pirates, soldiers, volkari, monster, the prince. Lists are boring. I'd go with: Finding the prince means crossing the mountains and braving the forest, but a legendary monster lurks beneath the mountains, and the volkari of the forest don’t take kindly to human travelers. This cuts the list to two items. It also opens up some room for other information and shows the relevance of the monster sentence. If we don't know she has to get by the mountains, we don't know why you're bringing up the monster.<br /><br />Even if injured volkari are the only volkari whose prophecies come true, we don't know that, so we don't need to know the volkari is injured.<br /><br />Does she have to be a prisoner? Can't she just agree that for her own safety she should stay in the castle, thus allowing her to leave instead of having to escape?Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38928863468703986362012-06-26T18:13:01.244-04:002012-06-26T18:13:01.244-04:00Okay, here's the revision:
Twenty-year-old Fe...Okay, here's the revision:<br /><br />Twenty-year-old Feyana Belmaron – the first ever female Prince of Swans, heir to the throne of Amgovar – should be the most powerful woman alive. Instead, she is a prisoner. After a wartime disaster killed the queen and irreparably scarred Feyana’s face, Feyana’s father confined her to an isolated castle to keep her safe until the end of the war. Fifteen years later, the princess wonders whether peace will ever arrive.<br /><br />So when an injured volkari lets slip a prophecy that Feyana will marry the prince of her country’s enemy, the princess escapes the castle to find him and end the war for good. Pirates and soldiers stalk Feyana’s path, eager to get their hands on – or blades in – the renegade princess. A legendary monster lurks beneath the mountains, and the volkari of the forest don’t take kindly to human travelers. Even the prince himself may be a threat. To save her country, the sheltered Feyana must first learn to save herself...or she’ll lose much more than just her freedom.Princess Sarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18028032277535641929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-50365223299484420242012-06-26T11:36:20.523-04:002012-06-26T11:36:20.523-04:00She's been locked up in teh equivalent of a co...She's been locked up in teh equivalent of a convent all her life, yet whenever people see her, they go, "HEY! It's the renegade princess!" Does she carry a sign? Does she tell people who barely know she exists that she's a princess and they *believe* her? If it's causing problems, why the heck does she tell them? Is it stamped on her forehead? Has she considered a disguise?<br /><br />Not sure how I got past the first sentence, to be honest, as it put my back up no end. After I calmed down, I got to the second sentence.<br /><br />Then she escapes her prison on the promise of a prince. Clearly then she could have escaped at any time. Yet didn't. So up until now she's been perfectly happy to 'leave her people's fate to chance'.<br /><br />She's really not coming across as a sympathetic character.<br /><br />It may be there's absolutely nothing wrong with the book. It could be a great book. A princess on a quest! But the presentation is problematic for me. You're using the external male gaze when you should be inside the character's view of the world.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-80355816617203989692012-06-26T09:23:18.034-04:002012-06-26T09:23:18.034-04:00I agree with Ezzie on GTP#1. Were-swans had me la...I agree with Ezzie on GTP#1. Were-swans had me laughing at my desk (thank goodness no one else is here yet).<br /><br />Just a thought - if literal swans have nothing to do with your book, you may want to consider changing the title. It definitely has the "fairy tale" feel (I'm assuming intentionally), but "fairy tale" makes the book look younger, and since you're aiming YA...<br /><br />I have to say, the first paragraph really turned me off. The very first line - "she's no man's idea of a prize" - had me thinking she's this evil, cruel, castrating harpy. Nope, she's just disfigured by an accident or birth. I'm sure this wasn't your intention, but my initial thought? "Wow, that's actually insulting to her AND to men." <br /><br />Do I know superficial men? Of course. Do I know men who value a woman's inner qualities over the outer shell? You betcha.<br /><br />Then one of her negative qualities is that she's dark-skinned? ...no comment.<br /><br />Overall, it sounds like an interesting story - one I'd probably read - but that opening left a sour taste in my mouth.A. M. Perkinshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08680290781463023921noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-593491200163529042012-06-25T22:26:14.237-04:002012-06-25T22:26:14.237-04:00I don't know what it is, but the two people wh...I don't know what it is, but the two people who've commented that they like it couldn't spell it.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-7745689500962556262012-06-25T22:12:49.879-04:002012-06-25T22:12:49.879-04:00"You don't want a girl protag who protags..."You don't want a girl protag who protags there. You want a girl protag who gets all weak-kneed and sappy at the sight of a boy. Preferably a boy with bugger-all to recommend him." Gah. I may or may not be quietly adoring from about a million miles below you. IT'S SO TRUE. That's why I read the oldies. Like 'Till We Have Faces'.<br /><br />I like the story! To me, it felt like a little bit of Shannon Hale (excellent feeling, author!) and it reads like it'll be a fun story. I'd read the book now based on the present query, but I'd also love to see it more YA than MG. Partly just to read more....<br /><br />Also, I loved volkerai. What's a volkerai?Rachel6https://www.blogger.com/profile/15138745237488029817noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-61662158658174037902012-06-25T21:48:08.623-04:002012-06-25T21:48:08.623-04:00GTP #1 made my day. I like the sound of this book ...GTP #1 made my day. I like the sound of this book and hope the author has luck with querying. :) I too would like to know what swans have to do with the story.Ambeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01784442194076118920noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-69354910542371805112012-06-25T17:46:50.150-04:002012-06-25T17:46:50.150-04:00I love love love "Til We Have Faces"! On...I love love love "Til We Have Faces"! One of my favorite books ever.sarahhawthornenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-10662592963363900232012-06-25T15:48:05.160-04:002012-06-25T15:48:05.160-04:00Well, you should still go into business. You could...Well, you should still go into business. You could write other people's queries. Hire other people to write yours.<br /><br />'S funny... before the advent of the internets, and specifically the writernets, the query just wasn't the Holy Grail it is now. And there weren't nearly so many ways to do it wrong.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-65999070335291661642012-06-25T15:04:46.356-04:002012-06-25T15:04:46.356-04:00150's and AA's queries are always brillian...<i>150's and AA's queries are always brilliant. They should go into business.</i><br /><br />You would not say this if you knew which of the past queries were actually mine. :(150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-44142221597611267712012-06-25T13:59:44.782-04:002012-06-25T13:59:44.782-04:00I was thinking more of "The Ugly Duckling&quo...I was thinking more of "The Ugly Duckling" meets <i>Till We Have Faces</i>.<br /><br />(Best book about an ugly princess ever written. Really left nothing more to say on the subject. Except, possibly, PIRATES.)<br /><br />I'm kinda sorry to hear it's YA, because YA is becoming a vast wasteland. You don't want a girl protag who protags there. You want a girl protag who gets all weak-kneed and sappy at the sight of a boy. Preferably a boy with bugger-all to recommend him.<br /><br />/rant<br /><br />150's and AA's queries are always brilliant. They should go into business.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-16835253518318951132012-06-25T13:11:19.041-04:002012-06-25T13:11:19.041-04:00Overall I thought this was pretty strong. It's...Overall I thought this was pretty strong. It's a book I would definitely want to read.<br /><br />Agree with Alaska that you can get to Feyana's action a little earlier. 150's revision is great. Then you have room to flesh out the action and give us some hints to Feyana's character arc. Is this story about her winning the respect of her people? Is it about learning leadership and politics? Or is it a straight up swashbuckler?<br /><br />Incidentally, I would leave in the word 'volkerai.' It goes towards world-building, indicates that we're in what I assume is a Russian-esque fairy tale.sarahhawthornenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-70442285374437539252012-06-25T12:31:57.151-04:002012-06-25T12:31:57.151-04:00Yes, this is a real query, if a bad one. Thanks f...Yes, this is a real query, if a bad one. Thanks for all the helpful comments.<br /><br />It is definitely YA, not MG, but I can see how the query misrepresents that. It's also not The Ugly Duckling with pirates (although, come to think of it, I would read that). Argh. Revision time, for sure.<br /><br />(In conclusion: Pirates. And, yes, a monster. News at eleven, once I stop burying the lede.)Saranoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-20610809428398989332012-06-25T12:29:27.671-04:002012-06-25T12:29:27.671-04:00Disfigured? In what way? Does she have hair all ov...Disfigured? In what way? Does she have hair all over her body, like the wolf boys? Is she missing her nose? What, exactly, is wrong? And does the story emphasize that her looks have nothing to do with her character?khazar-khumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1247218548466693532012-06-25T12:25:24.446-04:002012-06-25T12:25:24.446-04:00Thank you for the comments, they've been extre...Thank you for the comments, they've been extremely helpful. Yes, this is most definitely YA, not MG, but I see why my query doesn't do a good job of conveying that. Argh.<br /><br />I'll get right on revising this so it (A) doesn't bury the lede so badly and (B) doesn't come across as The Ugly Duckling with pirates. (Although, come to think of it...I would read that.)Princess Sarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18028032277535641929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-34910534696550573102012-06-25T12:17:29.796-04:002012-06-25T12:17:29.796-04:00Really like 150's version!Really like 150's version!Tknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-4384240923657598642012-06-25T11:46:32.955-04:002012-06-25T11:46:32.955-04:00You have PIRATES and you don't mention them un...You have PIRATES and you don't mention them until paragraph three? PRIORITIES, PEOPLE.<br /><br />Princess Feyana has been confined to a lonely castle since puberty, when it became clear she wasn't going to "grow into her looks" in a princessly way. But she's not ready to let her disfigurement stall her life. When an injured traveler spills a prophecy that Feyana will marry the son of her country's bitterest enemy, she packs her things and sets out to win her prince.<br /><br />She's not the only one on his trail, and her father isn't going to let her go so easily...then you just repeat the word "PIRATES" until the end, sign off cheerfully, and wait for the offers to come rolling in.150noreply@blogger.com