tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post3920295202852345594..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 964Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30291487961167627522011-10-27T12:26:22.282-04:002011-10-27T12:26:22.282-04:00We have a winner!
Really appreciate your help.We have a winner!<br />Really appreciate your help.Victor Bondarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13962561228954371800noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-42804062505455464562011-10-27T10:08:42.177-04:002011-10-27T10:08:42.177-04:00Better. Too much about the mole, who's dead be...Better. Too much about the mole, who's dead before he can be useful. I would do something like:<br /><br /><br />Matthew Horowitz, co-founder and CEO of NuMagic, a fast growing chipset company, hires a private eye to investigate the circumstances of his partner's suicide.<br /> <br />The investigation reveals that the partner was set up and blackmailed as a part of a plot against NuMagic. The design of NuMagic’s leading product has been secretly altered by a mole within the company. The production of the faulty chipset has already begun and threatens to ruin NuMagic. <br /><br />At home, Matthew's 6-year old son David exhibits extrasensory perception misdiagnosed as autism. The problems at work and sickness of children are straining Matthew's marriage. <br /><br />With his career and family life on the line, Matthew discovers that a powerful and desperate player connected to NuMagic has bet against the company in the stock market, and will stop at nothing to bring NuMagic down. Matthew’s life is put in danger when he discovers the identity of the mastermind. But Matthew has an unexpected ace up his sleeve: David.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30785321568150004772011-10-26T19:42:54.487-04:002011-10-26T19:42:54.487-04:00Dear Evil Editor:
I really appreciate your criti...Dear Evil Editor: <br /><br />I really appreciate your critique. I don't know if I got it this time, but I feel I am getting closer.<br /> <br />Matthew Horowitz, a co-founder and CEO of NuMagic - a fast growing chipset company, hires a private eye to investigate the circumstances of partner's suicide.<br /> <br />Investigation uncovers that the partner has been set up and blackmailed as a part of a larger plot against NuMagic. The design of NuMagic’s leading product has been secretly altered by a mole within the company. The production of the faulty chipset has already begun and threatens to ruin NuMagic. <br /><br />At home, Matthew's 6-year old son David exhibits extrasensory perception misdiagnosed as autism. The problems at work and sickness of children are straining Matthew's marriage. With his career and family life on the line, Matthew designs a plan to flush out the mole. <br /> <br />Matthew learns the identity of the mole. However, the mole is murdered before Matthew can find out who hired him. A powerful and desperate player connected to NuMagic is waging big bets in the stock market against the company and its vendors. He is the one who hired the blackmailer, the mole and a professional killer who eliminated them. Matthew’s own life is in danger when he discovers the identity of the evil mastermind. Help comes from Matthew’s son David, whose unusual gift saves his father’s life.<br /><br />Thank you for your time and consideration.<br /><br />Sincerely,Victor Bondarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13962561228954371800noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-8646852760655104622011-10-26T16:39:29.647-04:002011-10-26T16:39:29.647-04:00If david's gift sets this apart from run of th...If david's gift sets this apart from run of the mill crime stories, just tell us what the gift is so we can appreciate how it would be useful in staying alive or solving the crime.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-45434941182181457952011-10-26T16:04:09.799-04:002011-10-26T16:04:09.799-04:00Thank you all for the comments.
I'm afraid th...Thank you all for the comments. <br />I'm afraid that if I get rid of the blackmailer, David and every subplot I have, the only thing left in the query is run-of-the-mill crime drama.<br />I would rather expand the query to include Matthew's marital problems and David's gift, which would explain the last two sentences. Hopefully, I can do it without screeeeech and aiiiiiieeeeee.Victor Bondarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13962561228954371800noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-37482121762749234202011-10-25T13:08:58.828-04:002011-10-25T13:08:58.828-04:00P2: No need to say "of partner's death.&q...P2: No need to say "of partner's death." You've already told us what's being investigated.<br /><br />Drop the blackmail and the low-level crook and get to the mole.<br /><br />In the last two sentences, change "had" and "has" to "have."<br /><br /><br />P3: Drop sentences 2 and 5.<br /><br />The last two sentences sound like a deus ex machina, coming at the end. Why haven't you described David's ability? Is David even needed in the query?Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-46747517643352047722011-10-25T13:07:14.805-04:002011-10-25T13:07:14.805-04:00When Matthew Horowitz, CEO of NuMagic, hires a pri...When Matthew Horowitz, CEO of NuMagic, hires a private eye to look into his partner's apparent suicide, the investigation turns up a plot against the fast-growing IT company. A mole has corrupted the design for their latest chipset, which is now in production.<br /><br />The mole is uncovered, then murdered before Matthew can learn who is so desperate to ruin NuMagic that they're wagering hugely against the company in the stock market.<br /><br />Help comes from an unexpected source: Matthew's six-year-old son David. Wrongly diagnosed as autistic, the boy has a special talent that can save NuMagic--provided Matthew's prepared to risk his son's life.<br /><br />Unfortunately, if the novel is as clunky as the query, it will need to be as comprehensively rewritten.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-20643969439631611802011-10-25T12:50:58.985-04:002011-10-25T12:50:58.985-04:00Okay, to pick the low-hanging fruit first: it'...Okay, to pick the low-hanging fruit first: it's not commercial at 55k, and "Fifteen Days of Spring" sounds like a coming-of-age romance, not a high-tech thriller.<br /><br />Everything here sounds run-of-the-mill, and the language isn't crisp enough to elevate it. Why should anyone publish THIS book when there are so many existing books and manuscripts that are long enough, have exciting prose, and feature original twists? "So I can be a real author" is not a good enough reason. Make this book sound interesting. Presumably the twist lies in the not-autistic son. If that's it, show your hand; you're not gaining anything by playing coy.150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-66215443353468591772011-10-25T12:00:30.596-04:002011-10-25T12:00:30.596-04:00This version is a lot more lucid, but the writing ...This version is a lot more lucid, but the writing is really choppy and there are several grammatical errors.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1401511984393925732011-10-25T11:09:16.653-04:002011-10-25T11:09:16.653-04:00Dear Evil Editor:
Matthew Horowitz, a co-founder ...Dear Evil Editor:<br /><br />Matthew Horowitz, a co-founder and CEO of NuMagic - a fast growing chipset company, hires a private eye to investigate the circumstances of an apparent suicide of his partner.<br /><br />Investigation of partner's death uncovers a plot against NuMagic. The partner had been set up and blackmailed prior to his death. The blackmailer - a low level crook - had been murdered. The design of NuMagic’s leading product had been secretly altered by a mole within the company. The production of the faulty chipset have already begun and threatens to ruin NuMagic.<br /><br />Matthew learns the identity of the mole. However, the mole is just a pawn in a bigger and more sinister game. He is murdered before Matthew can find out who hired him. A powerful and desperate player connected to NuMagic is waging big bets in the stock market against the company and its vendors. He is set to profit handsomely at the expense of Matthew and NuMagic. He is the one who hired the blackmailer, the mole and a professional killer who eliminated them. Matthew’s own life is in danger when he discovers the identity of the evil mastermind. Help comes from Matthew’s 6-year old son David. David possesses an unusual gift masquerading as autism that saves his father’s life.<br /><br />FIFTEEN DAYS OF SPRING is Commercial Fiction and my first novel.<br /><br />The complete manuscript of 55,000 words is available upon request.<br /><br />Thank you for your time and consideration.<br /><br />Sincerely,Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-20223133220131517332011-10-22T07:16:16.380-04:002011-10-22T07:16:16.380-04:00Zeitgeist always makes me think of a section of th...Zeitgeist always makes me think of a section of the Guardian newspaper that always made me want to throw the paper violently against the wall. 'Zeitgeist: the men who know'.<br /><br />But that's just me.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-50275230037463754042011-10-21T14:43:48.634-04:002011-10-21T14:43:48.634-04:00[What happened to the plot? I assumed the first se...[What happened to the plot? I assumed the first sentence of this paragraph was the topic sentence, the one the rest of the paragraph builds on. You've swerved off the road and if you don't hit the brakes quickly you may drive off that cliff up ahead.]<br /><br /><br />[Screeeech! Aiiiiiieeeeeee!]<br /><br />I can't stop chuckling. I'm going to use this line the next time someone rambles. <br /><br />It is so funny, I can't remember what the plot was about. Apparently, the author couldn't either. <br /><br />Fill in blanks <br /><br />My plot is about a top-secret organization who is trying to take over a company because a specific reason by planting a mole and killing the CEO. My character's job is to uncover the plot and he does so by using his son't special gift. It becomes complicated when my character discovers the mole is really part of a more disasterous scheme.<br /><br />He is pressed for time because <br /><br />Now fill in the vagueness <br /><br />top-secret organization<br />company<br />why/what is at stake<br />killing the CEO by xxxxx<br />My character<br />son's special gift. <br />more disasterous scheme<br /><br />pressed for time becausevkwnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-84064647476652095322011-10-21T14:05:28.975-04:002011-10-21T14:05:28.975-04:00I want to thank our Evil Editor and all you guys f...I want to thank our Evil Editor and all you guys for the comments. I'll revise the query to concentrate on the main plot. I may even change the title. How about 'Zeitgeist'?<br />LOLVictor Bondarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13962561228954371800noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-40286033570737374902011-10-21T11:54:06.723-04:002011-10-21T11:54:06.723-04:00I'll admit, I had to look up ZEITNOT, but once...I'll admit, I had to look up ZEITNOT, but once I did I think it's kind of cool. Obscure, sure, but cool.<br /><br />However, with this query being this all over the place, I thought for sure we'd be talking about a MS of at least 100,000 words. I can't comprehend getting all these different plots across in so few words.Matthew MacNishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03264738483763244969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-20770988553535502302011-10-21T11:53:20.240-04:002011-10-21T11:53:20.240-04:00Your book is too short for commercial fiction. It ...Your book is too short for commercial fiction. It needs to be around 100k. Plus, it isn't entirely clear to me which subgenre of that large pool of work it falls into. Private eyes and murders suggest crime or thriller, whereas Special Gifts suggest Fantasy or SF.<br /><br />The plot--what we see of it--comes across as pretty standard. What makes your novel stand out from the rest?<br /><br />In thrillers, it's pretty much a given that the protagonist will be up against time pressure (and as many other pressures, conflicts, obstacles, problems, and guns as the writer can concoct). Nothing in the query suggests that Matthew is up against the clock.<br /><br />If chess enthusiasts pick up your novel, will they be disappointed? If so, you may need to change the title.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-27998746763735904552011-10-21T11:27:14.678-04:002011-10-21T11:27:14.678-04:00Readers of murder-mystery-thrillers and people who...Readers of murder-mystery-thrillers and people who love childhood-affliction-melodramas do not shop in the same part of the bookstore. Where does your novel belong? You need to make a decision about that and then revise the stray subplots out. <br /><br />Plus, 55,000 words too short.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-87160424524457729732011-10-21T11:16:09.404-04:002011-10-21T11:16:09.404-04:00[Screeeech! Aiiiiiieeeeeee!]
I almost choked to d...<i>[Screeeech! Aiiiiiieeeeeee!]</i><br /><br />I almost choked to death on my shredded Wheaties laughing at that.<br /><br />If this is a murder mystery then that is the plot and the query must focus on the murder mystery,Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-76254528034815128112011-10-21T11:05:11.313-04:002011-10-21T11:05:11.313-04:00Titles are important. A title should be memorable ...Titles are important. A title should be memorable and make people want to pick up the book.<br /><br />I know there's a popular meme out there on the writernets that editors are just going to change the title anyway. Not true in my experience. None of my titles has ever been changed by an editor. Picking a good one is the writer's job.<br /><br />The last two sentences of the second paragraph contain errors in articles-- a missing "the" and an extraneous "a". You might want to check your manuscript for these errors.<br /><br />On the rewrite, separate the subplots from the main plot. Leave the subplots out.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.com