tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post3726358678037423652..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 694Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-91228606399148250922009-10-16T11:12:02.650-04:002009-10-16T11:12:02.650-04:00Unchosen continuation:
Really, he was such a nic...Unchosen continuation:<br /><br /><br />Really, he was such a nice guy, I sometimes wondered what he'd done to Bertrecht. That's Bertrecht, of Bertrect's Bar and Grill, who was paying me nearly as much as Gustav to "work" for Gustav. Bertrecht was also Gustav's younger brother.<br /><br />I lit another napkin dispenser on fire, and took the guy's order. <br /><br />--Mother (Re)producesEvil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-66379708763554999202009-10-16T02:06:58.123-04:002009-10-16T02:06:58.123-04:00I liked this. I'd read on.
Maybe combine P1 a...I liked this. I'd read on.<br /><br />Maybe combine P1 and P2, and cut the first sentence of P3 for the reason EE said.<br /><br />For some reason, every time you said Gustav, I thought of the Ratatouille movie. I don't know why.Adam Heinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-64082773240830114832009-10-15T19:39:52.037-04:002009-10-15T19:39:52.037-04:00@JP: Fair enough!
Rereading, I realize my earlier...@JP: Fair enough!<br /><br />Rereading, I realize my earlier statement may have come off a bit harsh. It is always a difficult balance when you introduce a flawed character on a bad day. But I did enjoy this and the character will probably correct on its own once you make the trims others have suggested. It's just that fourth paragraph about how awful she is in comparison to Gustav that pushed me over the edge. <br /><br />Best of luck rewriting!Sarah from Hawthornenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-83059631032308672182009-10-15T16:49:02.082-04:002009-10-15T16:49:02.082-04:00Thanks for your feedback everyone. Point taken on ...Thanks for your feedback everyone. Point taken on too much Gustav--he's not actually an important character. I more wanted to establish that the MC recognizes and appreciates his kindness, so I'll definitely be doing some cuts there. <br /><br />@Sarah - the next paragraph establishes the reason for the MC's poor mood, which should hopefully paint her more sympathetically.JPnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-18864315571440422382009-10-15T14:48:57.283-04:002009-10-15T14:48:57.283-04:00I thought this was decently written, but your prot...I thought this was decently written, but your protagonist is hard to love. Lots of people have long days and hard jobs, yet they manage to be polite. She can be incompetent, she can be cranky, she can be ungrateful, but she can't be all three in the first four paragraphs without introducing some redeeming characteristic to balance that out.Sarah from Hawthornenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38363377708660615752009-10-15T14:12:11.679-04:002009-10-15T14:12:11.679-04:00This works for me as an opening but you do use &qu...This works for me as an opening but you do use "Gustav" too many times. Even if Gustav is the hero of the novel, it's too many times.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-68043303253613655262009-10-15T13:20:16.501-04:002009-10-15T13:20:16.501-04:00Nice continuation!
Just kill the guy already! Tha...Nice continuation!<br /><br />Just kill the guy already! That is what the MC is going to do, right? S/he's certainly snarky. Bring out the pruning shears, trim that prose, and stab someone._*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-22680864389163482662009-10-15T13:08:09.446-04:002009-10-15T13:08:09.446-04:00Perhaps it could benefit from more focus or possib...Perhaps it could benefit from more focus or possibly starting a little earlier. The big event seems to be the entry of Nameless Character, but before we can find out why he matters you feel compelled to tell us backstory about a 3rd party: the seemingly absent Gustav. Maybe it would be more effective to start with Gustav, since we apparently can't understand the significance of Nameless Character's arrival without knowing about him.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-35922263301524400492009-10-15T11:06:19.817-04:002009-10-15T11:06:19.817-04:00Definitely get rid of "suppressing a sigh&quo...Definitely get rid of "suppressing a sigh". Trust us to know your person isn't happy, we get it.<br /><br />I'm pretty sure you understand this from the continuation, but there are way too many Gustavs in paragraph four.<br /><br />I'd keep reading. It feels like the start to a mystery type thing (of course, I have no idea), good for a rainy day...Mamehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04853842158606222286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-62039611849902167462009-10-15T09:33:34.133-04:002009-10-15T09:33:34.133-04:00P2: Not sure what is meant by "the remaining ...P2: Not sure what is meant by "the remaining hours." You might end the paragraph: and I would be free to go home, curl up in bed and escape to the oblivion of sleep.<br /><br />p3: 1st sentence isn't needed. You already said his entrance dashed your hopes.<br /><br />"in his wake" isn't needed, as it's implied by "dripping a trail."<br /><br />p4: I think two Gustav, who sentences is plenty. Keep the two specific ones and drop the legendary generosity one.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.com