tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post3712739053723152182..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1012Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-69734414255652269102012-04-07T01:31:25.074-04:002012-04-07T01:31:25.074-04:00Can I just say that GTP #4 would make a great movi...Can I just say that GTP #4 would make a great movie, possibly by Quentin Tarantino?batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-20976982067620379212012-04-04T17:35:18.578-04:002012-04-04T17:35:18.578-04:00I'm guessing the therapist has a vested intere...I'm guessing the therapist has a vested interest in the case that we don't know about until later in the book. I'm also guessing Penny's parents expecting her to move on with her life actually means they expect her to get out of bed/go back to school/start eating again rather than forget about her missing BF. But I am just guessing, because the query doesn't tell me these things flat-out. <br /><br />So tell me if this is the gist: Brent disappears and Penny's convinced his disappearance is related to the stranger who turns out to be connected to a prostitution ring. She's also convinced these prostitution ring (human trafficking?) predators are following/keeping an eye on her, hence the predators behind every corner. Her parents set her up in therapy because she refuses to let go of this theory, and there she finds the therapist more fixated on Brent than on her well-being, which just adds to her suspicion that there's more going on than meets the eye. BUT NO ONE WILL BELIEVE HER.<br /><br />Or something to this effect. If I'm right, it's an intriguing set-up but it is still just set up, and I think you could get another paragraph (or two) telling what happens next.<br /><br />So what does happen next? I'd very much like to know :)Chelsea Pitcherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16301150715189103602noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-61544469975370258322012-04-04T01:27:11.031-04:002012-04-04T01:27:11.031-04:00Anyone on the run from sexual predators could help...Anyone on the run from sexual predators could help themselves a little by not having a name like 'Penilia'.Whirlochrehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09846196906206886945noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-73954342618907849342012-04-03T21:45:31.970-04:002012-04-03T21:45:31.970-04:00My guess is that “behind every corner” is a mixed ...My guess is that “behind every corner” is a mixed cliché—a cross between “behind every tree” and “around every corner”. Another cliché is “easier said than done”. <br /><br />I would purge such expressions from the query letter. An agent may fear that the novel if full of clichés. <br /><br />Don’t be like that Shakespeare—his plays were packed with clichés. “tide in the affairs of men”, “Pound of flesh”, “out damn spot”, jeepers! I think the last one was stolen from Dick and Jane.Mister Furkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07156977719916770984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-29337804160330736442012-04-03T17:14:39.789-04:002012-04-03T17:14:39.789-04:00I'd wonder what kind of prostitution predator ...I'd wonder what kind of prostitution predator targets a hockey player. They're usually the fittest of all athletes, and as EE said, they know how to fight. Unless, of course, Brent wanted to run away, and this man provided a convenient cover story. It would be ironic if the predator was checking out Penny when Brent spotted him, decided this was the perfect time, and then took off, framing the man.khazar-khumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-54880956301022066982012-04-03T15:54:37.899-04:002012-04-03T15:54:37.899-04:00Nothing here clued me in that this was YA--not eve...Nothing here clued me in that this was YA--not even that her parents expect her to move on, since that could happen at twenty or thirty or forty.<br /><br />I don't think a psychiatrist can really be TOO interested in the source of your breakdown. That's like a doctor caring TOO much what exact kind of tumor you have.150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-70033463387945788252012-04-03T15:41:57.129-04:002012-04-03T15:41:57.129-04:00What's been said - not enough there. I don'...What's been said - not enough there. I don't really know what this story is about - is it about her therapy, which doesn't interest me, or is it about the crime, which does? And yes, what happens to Brent?! You just drop him, and it's the most interesting thing in the query. BTW, unless Brent turns up dead and the criminals are caught, I don't expect anyone to be able to get on with their lives.<br /><br />Also, the title doesn't do anything for me, it sounds more like a non-fiction book about menopause. (I'm terrible at titles, and I'm guessing this is a working title until the right one comes to you.)<br /><br />This could be a good story, but it's not coming across in the query yet. Good luck. ^_^Laurienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-39583862413663188132012-04-03T14:45:49.468-04:002012-04-03T14:45:49.468-04:00This is just too brief. You've given us nothin...This is just too brief. You've given us nothing but the bare bones of the story, and without a bigger picture those bones make no sense. (Sex traffickers target a boy big enough to play high school hockey? Penny's parents "expect her to move on" after her boyfriend is kidnapped from her side? Penny's therapist is involved somehow?) <br /><br />You might take a look at the back cover copy for "Once was Lost" by Sara Zarr. It's also about a teen girl whose view of life changes when a friend is abducted.<br /><br />Also, according to Google, "Penilia" is a type of zooplankton. So unless her parents are marine biologists, I'm not sure how she could have ended up with that name. Perhaps you can just call her "Penny" for the whole query?sarahhawthornenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-26063099666757102082012-04-03T12:37:55.439-04:002012-04-03T12:37:55.439-04:00"Penilia" is really close to "penil..."Penilia" is really close to "penile".<br /><br />Just sayin'.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-81286466924219297972012-04-03T11:55:56.256-04:002012-04-03T11:55:56.256-04:00Wait, what? We don't get to find out what happ...Wait, what? We don't get to find out what happened to Brent?nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-25394326612624446862012-04-03T11:51:03.147-04:002012-04-03T11:51:03.147-04:00What is the word count of this query letter? Not t...What is the word count of this query letter? Not that you couldn't pull a great query with only a few words, but I find it lacking in plot information. <br /><br />I'm assuming this index of prostitution ring members is at the police station?<br /><br />Don't get me wrong, I like your writing style, but as EE said, expand a little more on the story?<br /><br />I appreciate you sharing it! Best of luck :)Rashad Pharaonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03795035923841527742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-21688705063535133392012-04-03T11:12:48.124-04:002012-04-03T11:12:48.124-04:00After a nervous breakdown, Penny finds herself in ...<i>After a nervous breakdown, Penny finds herself in the office of nosy therapist Dr. Tannen...</i><br /><br />I would like to thank the writer for not putting a comma before "Dr. Tannen". I have gotten so jumpy about inappropriate name-surrounding commas (even some supposedly edited news sites have taken to using them) that I cringed instinctively, expecting one. Me and Penny. <br /><br />But it wasn't there!<br /><br />From this alone I believe the querier has a great literary future of her. (Or possibly him.)<br /><br />Carry on.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.com