tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post359147996719705937..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 900!!Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-62025175414810193252011-05-01T04:46:46.996-04:002011-05-01T04:46:46.996-04:00How weird how alike some of us have become. I was ...How weird how alike some of us have become. I was so excited about GTP #4 that I skipped ahead hoping it was that one...and was stoked that it was! It just goes to show what a good title and a good hook will do for a story.<br /><br />That said, the query has to live up to what's come before...and is typically more indicative of the actual writing in the manuscript. There's a story here, but you need to increase the tension you've created in the opening pitch (although I assume EE wrote that GTP...you should steal it!). <br /><br />Good luck with this!Stephen Prosapiohttp://www.prosapio.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-15924588959575907992011-04-30T15:20:14.060-04:002011-04-30T15:20:14.060-04:00I get the feeling there's an intriguing story ...I get the feeling there's an intriguing story in there somewhere, but the query is working hard to keep it a secret.<br /><br />Some of the sentences are clunky and wordy. For instance--<br /><br /><i>But lately, Jenna’s realizing her talent for keeping her mouth shut is slowly killing Lauren</i><br /><br />Try--<br /><br />Jenna's talent for keeping her mouth shut is slowly killing Lauren [and you absolutely must explain what this means].<br /><br />Also--while "Jenna's" as a contraction for "Jenna is" is tecnically correct, it makes for awkward reading. I'd suggest saving the contraction for the possessive use only, and writing out "Jenna is."Bethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504439129670380071noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-57021125679576755662011-04-30T15:04:25.600-04:002011-04-30T15:04:25.600-04:00Beyond the lack of hook and tension, I "got&q...Beyond the lack of hook and tension, I "got" stuck on the first para. <br /><br />"Laura's got" translates to "Laura has got". This hurts my tender ears. "Laura has" would be a better solution.<br /><br />And should "whoever" be "whomever" since it's the object of the sentence? (I've been wrong about this more than once).<br /><br />I share 150's thoughts on this one. I'll bet there's a good story in here somewhere, but so far all I'm reading is set-up and a very fuzzy dilemma. I'm not even sure if the "someone" is getting too close to Laura or Jenna. I'm assuming it's Jenna (subject of sentence), but in context, it makes more sense that it's Laura. <br /><br />LOL. Word ver: preglike. Cracked me up given the story.flibgibbethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01947123089305169481noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-75223533784841144442011-04-29T15:42:20.245-04:002011-04-29T15:42:20.245-04:00I'm guessing this works the same high-school t...I'm guessing this works the same high-school territory as Kody Keplinger's The Duff (Designated Ugly Fat Friend). Which is fine, it's a strong market.<br />But clarity, please, clarity? Is the most amazing guy on the planet relevant to the plot? Who's the someone Jenna's not supposed to get close to? <br />And what are the secrets?batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-66848721686230186752011-04-29T14:17:45.086-04:002011-04-29T14:17:45.086-04:00It is my assumption that Lauren is not literally d...It is my assumption that Lauren is not literally dying, though I suppose I could be wrong.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-37835187001186517922011-04-29T14:09:27.559-04:002011-04-29T14:09:27.559-04:00I'd add a comma to this sentence:
Jenna’s re...I'd add a comma to this sentence: <br /><br /><i>Jenna’s realizing her talent for keeping her mouth shut is slowly killing Lauren [COMMA] and someone she’s not supposed to want is getting way too close.</i> <br /><br />I had to back up because I thought Jenna's talent was killing two people -- Lauren and some person whom Jenna (or Lauren?) was not supposed to want. <br /><br />But that's a minimal fix because the sentence is still not clear. Either Jenna is realizing two things (that she's killing Lauren, and that someone's getting too close), or two completely different things are happening (Jenna is realizing something, and someone else is getting too close).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-55232872107068450122011-04-29T14:04:50.256-04:002011-04-29T14:04:50.256-04:00Characters are good but they need something to do....Characters are good but they need something to do. As described these ones seem a bit insipid. Yes, dull. Have they nothing in particular to do? Try giving each of them some sort of evil sordid goal.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-41208491492006781822011-04-29T12:20:47.078-04:002011-04-29T12:20:47.078-04:00I agree with the above issues. At the moment it so...I agree with the above issues. At the moment it sounds as though your dilemma could be resolved by the MC realising the impact she's having and telling someone. More plot specifics would help the reader see the conflict wasn't that easily resolved.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16398394255011968938noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-66652243981434842252011-04-29T11:56:37.963-04:002011-04-29T11:56:37.963-04:00Boy, this is one of those cases where the query is...Boy, this is one of those cases where the query is all wrong but I get the feeling it's selling a really good book. I think the key will be to get through the backstory quickly and on to the conflict, using specific, concrete terms. EXACTLY what is killing Lauren. (Anorexia? Coke? Both?) EXACTLY who Jenna isn't supposed to get close to. (Lauren's boyfriend?) Then the stakes: is it better to have a dead best friend or no friends at all?<br /><br />EE's notes nailed it. Good luck with the rewrite!150noreply@blogger.com