tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post3210588074703421171..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Feedback RequestEvil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90734128495010110212017-03-19T14:09:15.161-04:002017-03-19T14:09:15.161-04:00Chelsea P.,
Thank you so much for your kind words...Chelsea P.,<br /><br />Thank you so much for your kind words and your help! At the moment I am working on another approach: writing the query from the perspective of another character, which will hopefully present a more straightforward story. But your revision of my query sounds good and I agree with both you and Evil Editor: I definitely need to shorten my introductory paragraph. If the approach I'm currently considering doesn't work out, I'll certainly be taking your suggestions into consideration :-)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12509651477990050030noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-76552976297618230102017-03-17T17:07:08.893-04:002017-03-17T17:07:08.893-04:00I couldn't help thinking there was a way to co...I couldn't help thinking there was a way to combine the first three paragraphs, thus keeping the twist in the middle of the query (which I quite liked), so I took a stab at it. In addition to this, I cut out a line or two farther down, to shorten things up. My first paragraph is a little messy, but I managed to get things close to 250 words without losing the set-up. Your story sounds really interesting!<br /><br />18-year-old Marla’s life on Earth is a lie. Captured on a mission for Somret, hidden city and sanctuary from the draconian Arrental government, she was forced into a mind prison, to live a faux life on Earth. Her body lies in an Arrenth lab, her brain decoded to glean the secrets of Somret. With the help of her friends, she’s able to escape to her home planet, but her memories of Ilah’s metal forests and lightning-fueled cities are gone. To make matters worse, she’s being accused of sabotaging her mission and murdering a teammate. <br /><br />Without her memories, she cannot refute these claims.<br /><br />Along with her friends, Marla embarks on a quest to the heart of Arrental, where she learns the devastating truth: there was never a mission. A year ago, the Council of Somret discovered her ability to travel to other worlds and peer into minds, and they locked her in a mind prison to harness her powers. After a spy sold information to Arrental, she was snatched and brought to an Arrenth lab until retrieved on the Council’s orders.<br /><br />Marla no longer knows who the enemy is: the government that imprisoned her or the city she calls home. If she succumbs to the Council’s manipulations, her powers could save an ambassador’s life and prevent a war, at the cost of her freedom, the safety of her friends, and perhaps her life. <br /><br />IN THE SHADOW OF LIES is YA science fiction. Complete at 117,000 words, it has series potential and will appeal to fans of Rick Yancey’s THE 5TH WAVE and Victoria Aveyard’s RED QUEEN.Chelsea P.https://www.blogger.com/profile/05640616327350485458noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-81783023158946746242017-03-17T14:03:57.399-04:002017-03-17T14:03:57.399-04:00Khazar-khum,
Here's the explanation for why h...Khazar-khum,<br /><br />Here's the explanation for why her mind is sent to Earth, as posted on the original facelift 1343 :-)<br /><br />"Marla ~believes~ she was used in a neural decoding experiment, a process that can glimpse into her every past thought and memory. Arrental (the ‘power-hungry government) did this in order to glean the secrets of Somret. The process required the mind to be vacated from the brain, therefore her mind was sent to Earth."<br /><br />The ~real~ reason is that doing this hones her powers. Like originally she's a cannonball whose mind just shoots of to wherever the fuck it pleases. It needed a bit of a nudge to go in the right direction and become controllable.<br /><br />As for why Earth is important. The reason non-related to the story itself, is that it presents the question of 'what if none of us are living real lives'. The reason related to the story is...complicated and actually isn't tied in with Somret at all. It's to do with Arrental and what its King plans.<br /><br />Thanks for your comment!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12509651477990050030noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-79632135728317743852017-03-15T17:06:40.732-04:002017-03-15T17:06:40.732-04:00Author here :-)
Mister Furkles: Thanks for the su...Author here :-)<br /><br />Mister Furkles: Thanks for the suggestion. That is definitely an idea worth trying! Do you have any recommendations concerning wording?<br /><br />At the moment I'm attempting a new approach: writing the query from another of the main characters. From his perspective and with his first chapter as sample pages, I can avoid mentioning Earth and thus avoid confusion on this part.<br /><br />As for Arrental/Arrenth, it's definitely something I'll be thinking on.<br /><br />Thanks to Evil Editor and Mister Furkes!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12509651477990050030noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-48156195615432419222017-03-15T15:10:16.982-04:002017-03-15T15:10:16.982-04:00Why bother with Earth at all? If her mind only eff...Why bother with Earth at all? If her mind only effects Ilah, shouldn't she be kept there?khazar-khumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-41326576940816272302017-03-14T22:20:48.699-04:002017-03-14T22:20:48.699-04:00You should start with the hook, paragraph 5:
“A ...You should start with the hook, paragraph 5: <br /><br />“A year ago, 18-year-old Marla was found to have the power to travel to other worlds and peer into minds. ...”<br /><br />Then follow that with EE’s paragraph:<br /><br />“Rescued by her friends, 18-year-old Marla is returned to her home city of Somret after...” <br /><br />Change the wording some and add more intriguing details. Mister Furkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07156977719916770984noreply@blogger.com