tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post3089068173895482277..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 563Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-79552372293947593112008-10-18T20:27:00.000-04:002008-10-18T20:27:00.000-04:00Thanks all. Last time around I wore out my welcome...Thanks all. Last time around I wore out my welcome, so I won't do that again. Every scrap of advice here is helpful, and I think I will use something from just about every comment. Thank You.Lukehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02481884859967101525noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-5204382091335784822008-10-17T17:24:00.000-04:002008-10-17T17:24:00.000-04:00Cut the first paragraph. Especially, "I nodded a...Cut the first paragraph. Especially, "I nodded and the old Chauvin lumberyard sign bubbled up from the depths of long buried memories in a vision." Not a subtle or artful transition to the memory at all. Most importantly, cut the last part and do not save it in another file for later use. ("bubbled up from the depths of long buried memories in a vision.") It's overwritten and trite. <BR/><BR/>The voice in the second para, in stark contrast, is nice. Work the sign's message in there if you must. But please, no more nodding off to deeply burried memories bubbling up in a vision.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-91208416298550290022008-10-17T13:53:00.000-04:002008-10-17T13:53:00.000-04:00Interesting. I like the drama you can create with ...Interesting. I like the drama you can create with highly dramatic openings and endings. <BR/><BR/>J Michael Straczynski wrote 3/4ths of all the Babylon 5 episodes. B5 was conceived as one story that would be told over five years. So year one presented the first hints of trouble, year two presented the political maneuvers that brought disaster closer. Year three revealed all the villains but not all the secrets and showed the descent into war and the death of the hero. Year 4 was the war, the a resurrection of the hero and the victory. Year 5 was the political aftermath... He began each story with a very dramatic voice over. It's too long to reprint and there were five different versions (one for each year of the show as the over-arching plot progressed). <BR/><BR/>That type of dramatic introduction is what your sign for Chauvin's Lumber is meant to be. It's the tie-in to the themes of the story (or the paragraph, or chapter) from beginning to end. <BR/><BR/>The portion of the first paragraph about nailing boards and getting old seems to me to be an after thought. <B>I get the feeling it was added.</B> That's because the second paragraph discusses the metaphorical meaning of the sign. A sign that was built on SAND and yet survived. The lamp that is lit in churches signifying the Divine presence. We only notice that beaten copper lamp when we are in troubled times. It is the metaphor for the characters who first build their lives on poor choices and suffer losses. What survives (like the sign survives) is faith. And this is a story of the loss of faith and the journey back into grace. <BR/><BR/>You can make the entire first paragraph about the sign and the meaning of the book. It doesn't have to have car chases or murders. But if you do that, the entire chapter has to grab the reader. Now that's harder to write. De Maurier did it in Rebecca. Her opening chapter is static, dreamlike, haunting and full of foreboding. It reaches into the reader's being and creates a longing, much like the new Mrs De Winter's longing for the old place, her lost innocence and the life that was. That's what you have written without the "growing tired" stuff. <BR/><BR/>Take the second paragraph and craft it so the reader feels the comfort of seeing a landmark representative of the return to faith. Using the sign to signal directions was good. The piano lessons are good. Find a couple examples like that. the statement "I never understood" stands so alone and yet, that is one of the points you need to make. That "beaten copper lamp" that I referred to above, is the crowning image in Brideshead Revisited, a story of faith. That "lamp" pulls together everything in Brideshead. And this sign is going to do that for you. You only need to present that strong an image once. It can recur but if you do it well, the image should linger with the reader from the start, or resonate from the end with what the reader just completed. <BR/><BR/>And as advertisement, the sign misses the rhythm. You have to match elements from one phrase to the other. <BR/>Try: <BR/><I>“For the storms of life, seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven. For the storms of Bay St. Louis, buy your cypress storm shutters at Chauvin’s Lumberyard.”</I><BR/>OR: <BR/><I>“For the storms of life, your comfort and your salvation lie with the Lord God. Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven. For the storms of Bay St. Louis, buy your cypress storm shutters, windows and doors at Chauvin’s Lumberyard.”</I>Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-58150328927594828572008-10-17T10:15:00.000-04:002008-10-17T10:15:00.000-04:00BRILLIANT continuation.Tense problems were jarring...BRILLIANT continuation.<BR/><BR/>Tense problems were jarring. Liked the voice though.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30860134442962955622008-10-17T10:05:00.000-04:002008-10-17T10:05:00.000-04:00I thought it was a radio ad. And "I sank" lost me ...I thought it was a radio ad. And "I sank" lost me as well.<BR/><BR/>Very intriguing voice. I like it. Just some tweaks, tightening and a little re-organizing needed here.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-83103793776854248142008-10-17T09:55:00.000-04:002008-10-17T09:55:00.000-04:00LOVED that continuation. Very punny. (And now fo...LOVED that continuation. Very punny. (And now for the PUN-ishment.)<BR/><BR/>There's some nice language in that paragraph describing the sign's history, but this opening is having a case of split personality. <BR/><BR/>By beginning with a sign, skipping to what must be present day, and returning to the past, you imply that the sign's presence and message are supposed to be important right off to the character who's been nailing plywood. But nothing that's on the page ties the two together. Have the guy wonder about if the sign will hold up this time, or have the sign description come first, used as a parable of hope for the old guy to look at and think his place will survive this storm like the sign has survived. Something that links them. Otherwise ditch the sign as a precious darling you must kill for the sake of the story.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-13015484716814253902008-10-17T09:10:00.000-04:002008-10-17T09:10:00.000-04:00Starting with the sign message, especially with qu...Starting with the sign message, especially with quotation marks around it, isn't working. We think someone's speaking. Then you have three sentences that don't involve the sign. If the message comes at the end of the paragraph all becomes clear. <BR/><BR/>There's a mix of present tense and past tense in the first paragraph.<BR/><BR/>Not clear what is meant in p.1 by "I sank" or by "I nodded."<BR/><BR/><BR/>p.2: I'd delete <BR/><BR/>Yet, by an act of faith, it hung on year after year. Stubborn. Determined to be our guidepost. <BR/><BR/>It's repetitive; there's enough about the sign without adding these baby steps.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-48787371332086106872008-10-17T08:59:00.000-04:002008-10-17T08:59:00.000-04:00Unchosen Continuations:Yeah, that was Daddy, ever ...Unchosen Continuations:<BR/><BR/><BR/>Yeah, that was Daddy, ever the salesman, but I wasn't going to be caught again. I was older, wise to his schemes; I kept my money firmly in my pocket, remembering that Sunday I was cleaned out by his Bank of Jesus Saves!.<BR/><BR/>--anon<BR/><BR/><BR/>Almost a year later, a balmy summer evening, I took my battered old butcher's bike, turned left at the sign, and came to a halt outside the Meacham place. It was silent. All I could hear was the whisper of distant beach breakers.<BR/><BR/>I quietly let myself in through the screen door. Miss Meacher's bottle of Navy Rum was on top of the piano where I'd left it, next to her teeth; but now it was empty. The old lush, cold as ice, was slumped over the ivory keys. I was never again going to hear the familiar, off kilter plinks of Tequila Sheila or Rednecks, White Socks and Blue Ribbon Beer.<BR/><BR/>"Buy insurance," my father had said. Smart guy.<BR/><BR/>I fingered the thin paper folded into my back pocket, and imagined myself on a brand new Schwinn Black Phantom. <BR/><BR/>--ril<BR/><BR/><BR/>"Oh..." I said. I wondered, Why am I so freakin' sentimental about an insurance sign? "Can I borrow the keys to the tractor, Daddy?"<BR/><BR/>--wouldbeEvil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.com