tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post2650147519038246585..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 958Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-18996489823070522122012-06-21T23:06:04.510-04:002012-06-21T23:06:04.510-04:00A couple of points:
1. Use of the word "just&...A couple of points:<br />1. Use of the word "just" slows the pace of the story. Recommend you replace it with something more descriptive or delete it altogether<br />2. Use of the word "heard" takes the interest off the protag and puts it on someone else - usually nameless and unimportant. Restate the idea with the protege firmly in the middle of the action I.e. I knew menopause would be etc.<br />3 I like this idea, but there is a lot of "telling" going on and it keeps the fun from ever really getting goingPLaFnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-84462212853835502952012-06-21T20:16:09.437-04:002012-06-21T20:16:09.437-04:00All righty, author here. All I have of this story ...All righty, author here. All I have of this story is this one scene and a query. I think I'd have to agree with the gang, this may not be the best place to start. (But thanks, Dave, for the immediate support. You've pretty made the next two weeks AWESOME.)<br /><br />Buffy, the point I was trying to make was, "huh. Funny opening sentence popped into my head. Wonder what would go with it..." Rather anticlimactic, but I like your idea!<br /><br />Princess Sarah: hah, kudos for getting the Incredibles reference! Maybe I'll change the name to Edith, as in Edith Head, who was the inspiration for Edna. No last names, so no copyright issues. ;)<br /><br />Lela, excellent point, thank you. I guess I'm picturing her as more of an ordinary mom with super powers (though they all have those...)Rachel6https://www.blogger.com/profile/15138745237488029817noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-56273598068952708372012-06-21T13:05:27.372-04:002012-06-21T13:05:27.372-04:00Yet somehow you think I need to hear you say that....Yet somehow you think I need to hear you say that....nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38341850932099954892012-06-21T11:49:52.919-04:002012-06-21T11:49:52.919-04:00I agree with the majority opinion--love the first ...I agree with the majority opinion--love the first line, less sure about the rest. There's potential here, but it needs polishing.<br /><br />Also...Edna? Does this story take place in the same universe as "The Incredibles"? If so, that seems potentially problematic. If not, I would suggest you change Edna's name.Princess Sarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18028032277535641929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90695631036856011642012-06-21T09:03:35.497-04:002012-06-21T09:03:35.497-04:00Vagina is not a four-letter word.
And no woman ne...Vagina is not a four-letter word.<br /><br />And no woman needs my permission to do anything with it.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18217202416002233005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-82884483038038247842012-06-21T08:36:18.244-04:002012-06-21T08:36:18.244-04:00It's presumptuous of course, but maybe the con...It's presumptuous of course, but maybe the contrast between people's ridiculously over-inflated expectations of superheroes and the reality was, umm, the point the author was trying to make?nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-70261785486288414612012-06-21T06:33:30.196-04:002012-06-21T06:33:30.196-04:00Nice to have Dave's permission.Nice to have Dave's permission.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-78016408753166828012012-06-21T02:20:47.484-04:002012-06-21T02:20:47.484-04:00I like the first sentence, and the subsequent acti...I like the first sentence, and the subsequent action and reaction is fun and engaging.<br /><br />However, I have to agree with other commenters that perhaps this isn't the place to start. Maybe it could be if she didn't call and whine to her husband. She's a superheroine and she already seems weak and whiny on page one.<br /><br />Could you have her defeat some scumbag before we see how vulnerable she is?Lela, former lurkernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-57969470379547179852012-06-20T20:52:08.953-04:002012-06-20T20:52:08.953-04:00Rachel:
I like this. Full speed ahead. I actually...Rachel: <br />I like this. Full speed ahead. I actually think the opposite of the CW (common wisdom) that this isn't your opening. <br /><br />I would however, have the very next 500 words be a fight against some weirdo villain just for action that isn't menopause related. I'm not sure what sort of villains you are going to use. Pick a minor one or a spy villain or a TSTL demon from hell, something that threatens her so she can burn the villain in the office and end with the sprinkler going off, thus ruining everyone's clothing. <br /><br />I've been through public breast feedings in a mall food court. <br />I've been near diaper changes and not of mere babes but those older kids with the maggot-gagging diapers of death-stench. <br />And I've had to put up with couples PDA's that were steamier than most movies. <br /><br />And who think that in Michigan last week, a woman legislator was silenced by her male "superiors" running the legislature for creating a scene. <br />The women assembled and acted out the VAGINA monologues on the state capital steps that night. <br /><br />It's a shame how having a penis makes you king of the world to some men and having a vagina makes you dirt under the penis king's feet. I'd bat his head so hard his baby blues would rattle around like tops... <br /><br />If you don't believe me -- <br /><a rel="nofollow">http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/19/eve-ensler-michigan-vagina-monologues_n_1608677.html</a><br /><br />So if they can recite the VAGINA Monologues, you can open your novel with menopause and a fight.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18217202416002233005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-51102589959097109252012-06-20T19:21:24.645-04:002012-06-20T19:21:24.645-04:00I liked the opening line. It made me want to read...I liked the opening line. It made me want to read more. After that, it kind of felt flat and disappointing, though.Ryan Muellerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05364911012131580497noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-84979023082835275622012-06-20T18:41:41.502-04:002012-06-20T18:41:41.502-04:00...fanfic?...fanfic?150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-11561029924502647642012-06-20T18:22:45.988-04:002012-06-20T18:22:45.988-04:00I don't think you need to tell us in both narr...I don't think you need to tell us in both narrative and dialogue that this has happened to her before. Pick one.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-68051036264780454802012-06-20T17:36:33.269-04:002012-06-20T17:36:33.269-04:00Did she need to get overheated to use her fire-han...Did she need to get overheated to use her fire-hands before? Or is this uncharted territory?<br /><br />As for Superman, I think he'd blame the kryptonite condoms.khazar-khumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-79018855430708041922012-06-20T16:39:01.687-04:002012-06-20T16:39:01.687-04:00Aging superheroes. It's like Superman needing ...Aging superheroes. It's like Superman needing Viagra to remain the Man of Steel. <br /><br />If it's a book about a superheroine who comes out of retirement, and this scene is the comic relief, it probably shouldn't be the opening scene.<br /><br />If it's straight comedy, it still probably shouldn't be the first scene. It'll be funnier later when we know the characters. Right now it feels like TMI.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-9954910778352172682012-06-20T16:24:44.352-04:002012-06-20T16:24:44.352-04:00Unchosen continuations:
"Sorry, honey, but ...Unchosen continuations:<br /><br /><br />"Sorry, honey, but I don't think the sofa can handle both of us."<br /> <br />--Lisa H.<br /><br /><br />“Quit?... Right when we’re taping the season finale for ‘Real Housewives from Hades’? If I don’t work, we don’t get renewed. Now bring me some fireproof panties, buster, and be quick about it!”<br /><br />--Anon.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.com