tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post2624579215830483267..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 752Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-81621717246567027882010-05-23T00:02:16.009-04:002010-05-23T00:02:16.009-04:00Am I the only one that immediately thought of Polg...Am I the only one that immediately thought of Polgara and Beldaran from The Belgariad by David Eddings? Yes, probably I am. Oh well.Min Yinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-28215093724816873392010-05-20T21:16:33.851-04:002010-05-20T21:16:33.851-04:00It's a bit more telling than showing, but some...It's a bit more telling than showing, but sometimes that sort of exposition works. I'd say the best way to improve this piece is to give more indication of a conflict.<br /><br />This reminds me immediately of The Two Princesses of Bamarre; I'd recommend taking inspiration from its opening. It starts by hinting at conflict--not a specific conflict, just a lot of danger. Then Addy, a bit like your narrator, says she's not the hero needed to overcome that and demonstrates the difference between her and Meryl using anecdotes from their childhood. It tells, and backs it up with showing--and the difference between the two is relevant to the plot.<br /><br />I can see the same sort of thing here, but I think you can spice it up a little more.<br /><br />Ultimately, the spiced-up version might be a little like <a href="http://www.traditionalmusic.co.uk/folk-song-lyrics/Cruel_Sister.htm" rel="nofollow">this</a> pair of light/dark sisters._*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-11064037063211501052010-05-19T11:21:07.986-04:002010-05-19T11:21:07.986-04:00Re: raven's wing. It's such a cliche. Dump...Re: raven's wing. It's such a cliche. Dump it as well.Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-89151087262154659902010-05-19T09:47:49.384-04:002010-05-19T09:47:49.384-04:00It's probably just my personal preference, but...It's probably just my personal preference, but, that said, I didn't like the voice of your pov character. She's whiny and goes on far too long about her perfect sister. Which is why the continuation is hilarious.<br /><br />I think you might consider starting with either far less of the Zara exposition and start with whatever action happens first.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-82260537816405452172010-05-18T23:36:18.502-04:002010-05-18T23:36:18.502-04:00The hair comparison jars me. I don't see too m...The hair comparison jars me. I don't see too much sleek smooth curly hair. A raven's wing to my mind's eye is smooth. <br />Also the light/dark comparison of the the kids doesn't fit bread and butter for me. <br />The messages are mixed that I'm getting about the kids.<br />Good luck, keep a-going. <br />BibiAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-84219123949408997012010-05-18T19:32:42.407-04:002010-05-18T19:32:42.407-04:00What EE said.
Also, unless you've a really go...What EE said.<br /><br />Also, unless you've a really good reason to compare the hair to raven's wings you might want to consider something else. Personally, I like ravens (a lot) and so I have a disconnect with the generally negative self-image the narrator has (also it's a living creature and the rest of the imagery points at Zara as the alive one).<br /><br />Suggestions: ebony, jet, onyx, obsidian, ink, soot, pitch, tar<br /> <br />If you have a good reason for the bird reference, maybe tone it down by using "crow's wings" instead?<br /><br />Hope this helps.Faceless Minionnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-44039048047620682862010-05-18T14:14:45.545-04:002010-05-18T14:14:45.545-04:00Me thinks Bibi's was the best!Me thinks Bibi's was the best!angela robbinshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07114119913653244467noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-77580383985553490412010-05-18T10:11:46.469-04:002010-05-18T10:11:46.469-04:00Unchosen continuations:
But that's what happ...Unchosen continuations:<br /><br /><br />But that's what happens when you're conjoined twins attached at the back of the head--you can never really see what your sister is doing.<br /><br />--Khazar-khum<br /><br /><br />* * *<br /><br />"I see. Well, Shayleen, I think on the basis of what you and your mother have told me, we have a case against both the Fertility Clinic and the Sperm Bank. Don't worry, by the time we're finished, you'll be so rich that being kind of plain and uninteresting won't be a problem for you ever again!" <br /><br />--anon.<br /><br /><br />Zara was an action girl. She set the school on fire when someone stole her animal crackers at cookie break. She gave Ex Lax to the kid who broke her pink colored pencil. She said it was chocolate and he fell for it. She made it into school history the day she tried to flush Amy Royal's long johns down the toilet and Amy was wearing them. Amy, small for her age, spun around a like top, screaming in high C, toilet water flying everwhere and Zara, laughing in her wicked way, called the boys in to watch. Zara took pride in the Royal Flush as it became known.<br /><br />Zara took some affirmative action at eighteen that likely kept her out of jail as I look back. She stole my allowance money (a goodly amount, I'd been saving my whole life), flew to some tropical country, had a sex change operation, grew some wild looking facial hair, and became an editor. My former sister, current brother shrieks late at night, locked in the den with his computer hour after hour, enjoying himself in what is no doubt an evil pursuit. I still cry a lot.<br /><br />--BibiEvil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30986743127624709662010-05-18T10:05:23.030-04:002010-05-18T10:05:23.030-04:00P.1: Get rid of the whole thing. Everything in it ...P.1: Get rid of the whole thing. Everything in it is repeated in the next two paragraphs but with some clarity.<br /><br />P.2: Two comments about what happens when Zara enters a room in the first two paragraphs? Oh, right, we deleted the first paragraph. Shadows follow people. Wallpaper doesn't. In any case, these sentences have minimal connection to each other. <br /><br />P.3: If you see two people who look nothing alike you don't wonder how they could be twins. It never occurs to you that they're twins.<br /><br />I would combine the 1st sentence of p.2 with a few ideas from the 3rd paragraph:<br /><br />Zara was everything I’m not… brave, outgoing, talkative. She had curly, golden hair, smooth and sleek no matter what she did with it; I usually put my hair – black, like a raven’s wings – into a braid. Everyone in my family wondered, How could two such different girls be twins?<br /><br />P.4: Better than the others. I'm not crazy about the bread an butter metaphor and I think I'd drop: but I doubt it. Even in kindergarten, Zara wasn’t that kind of girl.<br /><br />"not that kind of girl" isn't a term I'd use for a kindergarten student.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.com