tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post2117540446779254150..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 917Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52856714491263782702011-06-14T11:26:20.432-04:002011-06-14T11:26:20.432-04:00Everyone, thank you for your helpful comments. The...Everyone, thank you for your helpful comments. They've really given me ideas. <br />-authorAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-79009695061020059302011-06-14T11:16:01.631-04:002011-06-14T11:16:01.631-04:00I got several chuckles reading the query.I kept go...I got several chuckles reading the query.I kept going back over it and grinning. The drugged fairy was charming. I liked the broken sword and the whole business. <br /><br />The presentation was awkward. I look forward to the revision. This is one of the few queries that didn't irritate me with a prophecy/forseen/destiny 'cause that part of the presentation worked for me. <br /><br />I shudder when the dreaded prophecy is mentioned but the spoof here was quite cool. Needs to gel a bit more, more voice, sharpen/tighten. <br />Good luck.Wilkins MacQueenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05601091849024992561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-25835961446568995062011-06-14T06:17:48.646-04:002011-06-14T06:17:48.646-04:00I'm sick to death of fantasy stories featuring...I'm sick to death of fantasy stories featuring prophecies. To my mind, the genre is crying out for a parody. However, as written in the query, it all falls a little flat. A bumbling-hero-by-accident can be funny - Get Smart is one of my fave tv shows - but it needs snappy writing, excellent plots and engaging supportive characters to make it sing. Does your manuscript sing, or just howl tunelessly?<br /> <br />The query could benefit from making Ethan more interesting- not neccesarily more heroic. You could accentuate his sense of entitlement to make him an anti-hero of sorts (eg, "Ethan knows he's got it made. It's been foretold that on his sixteenth birthday, he'll defeat the fierce dragon Ranook. Why bother with the tedium of learning sword mastery and dragon-lore when it's in the bag? Sadly, someone forgot to tell Ranook's actual slayer, and.....") <br /><br />Keep going.Jo-Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15705983780352542190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-31489344356663653692011-06-13T19:06:07.725-04:002011-06-13T19:06:07.725-04:00What you may have here is the heroic quest told fr...What you may have here is the heroic quest told from the pov of a sidekick instead of a hero. There's no actual rule saying that the pov character has to be the hero or even the protagonist - though telling a story from the sidelines is kind of litficcy, and may make for a more difficult sale. (I did a short story from the pov of the wise crone who advises the callow hero-to-be and it took ages to sell)<br />I really do like the idea of a prophecy that isn't true, though I think you lose the subversive aspect by having Anna be a Chosen One by virtue of her heritage instead of by something she actually earns or learns. <br />There's nothing wrong, to my mind, with Ethan being a secondary character in his own story - but just as you would with a main character, you need to give us a reason to care about him. What does he want? What does he learn? Even if this is humour and he's a bumbling nebbish, he needs to also be someone we want to spend 95k with. <br />Check out The Last Unicorn for a bumbling nebbish whom we care about.<br />This is more of a synopsis than a query blurb.batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-11924484585617445352011-06-13T17:53:48.494-04:002011-06-13T17:53:48.494-04:00the author says: I wanted to have a story where ...the author says: <i> I wanted to have a story where the main character wasn't the hero because not everyone gets to be a hero. </i><br /><br />I like your premise.<br /><br />A couple of things that didn't really seem to work. This is supposed to be humorous, and, in my opinion that is reflected perhaps when Ethan discovers that someone slew Ranook before he could. The rest of the story doesn't seem very funny -- in particular, the fact that Anna basically dies to correct Ethan's mistake. And it seems that the "rest" of the story is the actual plot for most of the book. Are there some humorous things in this part that you could bring out in your query so that it better reflects the tone of the book?<br /><br />Also, closing with the "moral" is definitely not a good idea if you are trying for humor. <br /><br />Here is one possible rewrite that will hopefully give you some ideas:<br /><br />---------<br /><br />Heroes are brave and selfless. Ethan Saunter lacks both these qualities, yet a fairy has seen him defeat the evil dragon Ranook in a vision. So, Ethan sets out on his sixteenth birthday to fulfill his destiny, only to discover someone else (in my opinion, this would preferably turn out to be Anna) has beaten him to it. The "vision" was a drunken hallucination.<br /><br />Unwilling to return home without accomplishing something to boast of, he decides to steal the legendary and poorly guarded Phoenix Sword. While celebrating his success, his triumphant flourishes of the sword break it in two. This releases the evil nymph queen Dahlia, who immediately resumes her plans to destroy the world.<br /><br />Ethan takes this as proof that he is supposed to become a hero by defeating Dahlia. With the help of his friends, including Anna, a trouble-making young princess, he sets off. <br /><br /><i> now include some of the more amusing things they encounter (the druggy royals, for example) -- you mentioned a battle in your query, but from other things it sounds like that was probably more metaphorical? </i><br /><br />As they move closer to finding Dahlia, Ethan soon realizes he is not strong enough to defeat anyone let alone someone as powerful as Dahlia. But Anna is. As the descendant of the legendary phoenix, Anna can use the Phoenix Sword, broken or not. Rather than attacking Dahlia with it, she plunges the tip into her own chest, sacrificing herself and becoming a phoenix that can defeat Dahlia with its magical flame. <br /><br />Fortunately, Anna's sacrifice is not permanent, and, from then on lighting a fire is never necessary when it's time to make s'mores. (i.e. end this in a humorous way somehow)<br /><br />-------<br /><br />Hope this is of some use to you, and good luck!<br /><br />ryoryoRyoryohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13566476959074369165noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-8235563193412583582011-06-13T16:55:50.744-04:002011-06-13T16:55:50.744-04:00Grammar is so subjective. I had this linguistics c...Grammar is so subjective. I had this linguistics class where we discussed grammar-- a lot of things came out 50/50 when we put 'em to a vote.<br /><br />Anonymous, here's the thing about a story having a moral. Editors hate 'em. Readers hate 'em. Most writers hate 'em. Who likes 'em is parents.<br /><br />If you're really attached to the moral, I think stating it as a question, as 150 suggested, is better.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-4616611542748833202011-06-13T15:10:50.497-04:002011-06-13T15:10:50.497-04:00This query describes a funny plot and a bungling p...This query describes a funny plot and a bungling protagonist, yet fails to be funny itself. Author, I'd suggest you read some . . . I dunno, funny book reviews or funny movie reviews to polish your humor-writing skills.<br /><br />You also need to work on presenting your structure. The real hero, Anna, comes in as an afterthought. The real villain, Dahlia, is announced as the side-effect of an accident. And ugh, don't tell us the moral. If Ethan or the world changes in a <i>material</i> way, tell us that.<br /><br />And a visit from the Grammar Nanny: <i>Unfortunately, for Ethan, the fairy who foresaw the prophecy . . .</i> You need to lose that first comma.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-78673392452630533192011-06-13T15:10:25.941-04:002011-06-13T15:10:25.941-04:00Writing an anti-hero is tricky. You seems to be sa...Writing an anti-hero is tricky. You seems to be saying to the reader:<br /><br />"Here's the plot [reader invests time and effort] Hah! Fooled you! That is *not* the plot ... No, *here's* the plot [reader tries again] Hah! Fooled you again! You thought Ethan was the hero and he's not! Hah!..." and personally I'd throw the book out at that point.<br /><br />If you take a critical look at movie satires, you'll notice that even the anti-hero (like Brian in the Life of Brian) is a likeable person. Ethan just seems like one of those slothful stupid teenagers who give all the other teenagers a bad name.Adelehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08790958029798438793noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-71284471264188206162011-06-13T15:09:14.700-04:002011-06-13T15:09:14.700-04:00I kind of like the idea of the main character not ...I kind of like the idea of the main character not turning out to be the hero - but, he has to be interesting and he has to do something. <br /><br />The author may want to consider writing this novel from the perspective of the people who save Ethan's backside. Just an idea. <br /><br />Not everyone can be a hero but a MC has to have something redeeming about him/her. <br /><br />The minions told me it was wrong to kill off the MC. (They didn't even know here. . . ;0) I said - not every hero gets to live. However, I've come to realize that the minions may know a lot more than me. <br /><br />If the MC is just the MC because he is misfit then by the end of the book he has to have accomplished something, changed somehow, learn something, redeemed himself somehow. <br /><br />I think your MC does something or changes somehow in the book . . . doesn't he?<br /><br />Also - I don't think Ethan comes across as a coward in this query. He does a lot of brave things beginning with stepping outside his door to slay the dragon and it is brave to have faith in what the drugged fairy foretold. Then he is able to recruit others to his cause to bravely face off against the nymph. So we have a hero that faces his destiny, has faith, is able to recruit people to his cause and bravely risks his life, (and the life of others) to fullfill his destiny and conquer evil. That sounds like a hero to me. Just because someone steals all the glory in the end doesn't mean he wasn't the hero. And, even if he does all these things for selfish reasons, well, MCs don't have to be perfect. <br /><br />vkw <br /><br />This books sounds more like a YA novel.vkwnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1825108661487613972011-06-13T13:21:05.866-04:002011-06-13T13:21:05.866-04:00Whether group takes a singular or plural verb depe...Whether group takes a singular or plural verb depends. My rule of thumb is to decide what pronoun I would replace the word with. In this case I would say as they move closer. If you would say as it moves closer, singular is okay. As we're talking about several people, I much prefer plural.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-11539799139304616832011-06-13T13:09:55.691-04:002011-06-13T13:09:55.691-04:00It's me the author again.
Buffy and Alaska: it...It's me the author again.<br />Buffy and Alaska: it is supposed to be a humerous novel. It seems my query did not reflect that. Thank you for that info. <br />I didn't really mean to make it sound like there was a moral at the end and that's what the whole book is about. What I meant by that part is that Ethan does learn that there is more to being a hero (like what Adam mentioned).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17125384569258017942011-06-13T12:33:28.549-04:002011-06-13T12:33:28.549-04:00Is this supposed to be a comedy with Ethan as the ...Is this supposed to be a comedy with Ethan as the man who can do nothing right?Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-46315322370729177132011-06-13T12:14:17.397-04:002011-06-13T12:14:17.397-04:00Hmm. I actually think this has potential. It might...Hmm. I actually think this has potential. It might help to move the revelation about the drugged fairy to the point when Ethan learns it. (I note that Ranook is discovered to have been defeated on Ethan's 16th birthday, which is actually pretty close for a prophecy!)<br /><br />I'd stop before revealing the ending and set it up to emphasize Ethan's growth: "Can Ethan put aside his dreams of heroism in order to summon the (inner strength or whatever) to help defeat Dahlia, however small his role?" I don't believe his friends need to be named or described--possibly Anna, but possibly not, if you're not revealing the ending.<br /><br />Seems pretty simple for 95k.<br /><br />Looking forward to seeing a revised version. Good luck!150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-67658837967948113862011-06-13T12:04:31.196-04:002011-06-13T12:04:31.196-04:00Oh, oh, oh - can I write GTP #1?
(awww *blush*. t...Oh, oh, oh - can I write GTP #1?<br /><br />(awww *blush*. thanks.)Phoenix Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03290349031002504007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-60939172637916320922011-06-13T11:39:52.521-04:002011-06-13T11:39:52.521-04:00I'd read about the one that farm girl.
This f...I'd read about the one that farm girl.<br /><br />This fell flat for me for the reasons well described by EE. Your MC is not a likeable character as presented here. The only person I'd like to spend some reading time with is the real hero and yet I know so little about her.<br /><br />Some of the characters sound interesting, so there are some good bones here.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-44101254255003562592011-06-13T10:34:37.505-04:002011-06-13T10:34:37.505-04:00"The group moves closer" sounds correct ..."The group moves closer" sounds correct to me. "Move" sounds like British English; okay in the UK.<br /><br />Reading this query, I thought it sounded like a send-up of traditional fantasy quests, and that it was going to be played for laughs. But the query wasn't funny. Then at the end, it turned out there was a moral! Dear writer, do not go there. Morals are like certain bodily parts-- of course you have them, but you don't admit to it in public.<br /><br />I think this could work if it's humor, in which case the query needs to be at least a little bit funny. If it's not humor, then you need to make it more clear why you chose the protagonist you did.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-72816459802096462292011-06-13T10:26:27.849-04:002011-06-13T10:26:27.849-04:00This is my query. I wanted to have a story where ...This is my query. I wanted to have a story where the main character wasn't the hero because not everyone gets to be a hero. The whole story is kind of like the usual fantasy novel except things go wrong. For example the fake prophecy and the legendary sword that breaks. I guess that didn't work out so well.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-68311262863699790242011-06-13T09:27:55.132-04:002011-06-13T09:27:55.132-04:00I thought for a while this was intended as humour,...I thought for a while this was intended as humour, then it came off all worthy. Eugh.<br /><br />You might want to give us some reason to care about Ethan.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-89872634236787899702011-06-13T08:50:17.600-04:002011-06-13T08:50:17.600-04:00Yeah, I was willing to go along with this story un...Yeah, I was willing to go along with this story until the end. I expected Ethan to figure out what it actually means to be a hero (like strength and prophecies don't matter, but sacrifice does, or something). Instead, Ethan doesn't actually do anything.<br /><br />You can cut the entire sentence listing Ethan's friends and what they face.Adam Heinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52022798814922713512011-06-13T08:38:31.625-04:002011-06-13T08:38:31.625-04:00Axe 95% of the information here and write about th...Axe 95% of the information here and write about the rest.<br /><br />Ethan, Dahlia, Anna plus a hint of worldbuilding — I glossed over the rest but might read about it if you smacked me hard enough with a voicey rearrangement of this quartet.Whirlochrehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09846196906206886945noreply@blogger.com