tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post1661987823451539008..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 748Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-75792032438866748482010-04-06T00:51:24.687-04:002010-04-06T00:51:24.687-04:00I remember one agent--was it Kristen Nelson?--once...I remember one agent--was it Kristen Nelson?--once made a strong case that most queries need only cover the inciting incident.<br /><br />I've had the most luck with my own queries focusing on the protagonist, his/her primary goal, and the inciting incident. When I try to put in more than that, I find it gets cluttered and confusing.<br /><br />Not that my queries are fabulous, mind.Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12714078352001622357noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-24517584594173877702010-04-05T22:38:28.530-04:002010-04-05T22:38:28.530-04:00I don't think the business letter definition w...I don't think the business letter definition would have worked for me! My latest favorite definition of a query, which I've kind of learned through this process and have been repeating around here since then, is that a query is basically an attempt to prove you have an interesting plot. Or have a plot, period. This was my first attempt at a plot query; my plot seemed too convoluted, so I wrote theme queries before that. "...coming of age in a conquered country... learns the meaning of bla bla bla..." But then I heard you're not supposed to do that.<br /><br />And through this process I learned (correct me if I'm wrong!) that you don't tell your whole plot, you just tell the climax. Because that's what's interesting about a book--you can have a great premise and set-up in Acts I and II, but if something doesn't freakin' *happen* in Act III, something interesting that involves the interplay of forces and especially decision and action on the part of your character, you've got nothin'. So that's the part you're proving that you've got, and that's the part that you tell.<br /><br />Do y'all think this is true?Heather Mnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-2996765210319884942010-04-05T09:50:06.487-04:002010-04-05T09:50:06.487-04:00No pressure there, eh?No pressure there, eh?Phoenix Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03290349031002504007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-57781429475515893272010-04-05T09:14:30.582-04:002010-04-05T09:14:30.582-04:00It's a business letter, a sales pitch, a first...It's a business letter, a sales pitch, a first date, an audition, a job interview, a trailer, and more.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-10730158540672528392010-04-05T09:01:36.498-04:002010-04-05T09:01:36.498-04:00the query is really a business letter
Funny how w...<i>the query is really a business letter</i><br /><br />Funny how we all interpret things differently. Because I first learned the query-as-business-letter definition, I initially wrote nasty, awful query letters that were formal and dry and static because that's what I understood a "business letter" to be. I thought the advice was to caution against being too market-esy in the approach. I had to unlearn that definition and understand queries as SALES letters (of the soft-sell rather than hard-sell ilk) before I could take off and write ones that worked.<br /><br />All in the perception, eh?Phoenix Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03290349031002504007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-8148973690668369202010-04-05T00:43:15.799-04:002010-04-05T00:43:15.799-04:00Yes, Heather, you are getting much better. You'...Yes, Heather, you are getting much better. You're focusing your story with each wrasssling match you undertake with it. I am learning from your journey here. Evil pointed out to me in comments on my first attempt the query is really a business letter. That sat me down hard. Keep grinding away, the diamond is there. I look forward to your revision. BibiAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-83778547443681906622010-04-03T22:37:13.017-04:002010-04-03T22:37:13.017-04:00It's still too long.
And I realize "the ...It's still too long.<br /><br />And I realize "the hardest thing he's ever done" may sound stupid even if it's accurate, so do let me know if I should take it out.<br /><br />And hey, be proud, y'all finally got me to fess up: my turning point is a freakin' apology. That's what's so durn Christian about it. That, and the fact that all my cusswords are fake. ;)<br /><br />Other than that, this is probably my best effort on this one, and it may not be perfect but it's much improved, right? Thank you all for helping me do that.Heather Mnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-32527991621513717212010-04-03T22:32:16.844-04:002010-04-03T22:32:16.844-04:00One last try. For now anyway.
Dear Evil Editor,...One last try. For now anyway.<br /><br /><br /><br />Dear Evil Editor,<br /><br />In The Shadow's Edge, set in France during the first two years of World War II, a school rivalry becomes a matter of life and death.<br /><br />In Tanieux, a village in the hills in southern France, fifteen-year-old Julien and his school rival Henri have hated each other since the day Julien walked onto the soccer field Henri thought of as “his.” Even the shock of their country's being conquered couldn't make them allies for long. Now they face off angrily over whether the new Vichy government is really collaborating with the Nazis.<br /><br />Then the stakes get much, much higher.<br /><br />Julien befriends two teenage Jewish refugees, but Henri's father thinks they put the town at risk. He tells them to leave, but they can't; one is dangerously ill. At risk of being sent to one of the new Vichy "internment" camps, they hide. Henri finds out.<br /><br />Julien tries to tell Henri that the rumors are true, the Vichy camps are hellholes where even healthy people sicken and die. That the Jews are in more danger than most people know from the government Henri trusts. Henri turns and walks away.<br /><br />But a week later he still hasn't told his father.<br /><br />To convince Henri to keep his secret for good, and save his friends' lives, Julien will have to do the hardest thing he's ever done: apologize to his enemy. And mean it.<br /><br />Complete at 88,000 words, The Shadow's Edge is a Christian historical YA novel for teens who like a good life-or-death story, for parents and teachers who want to enrich their kids' school study of WWII and the Holocaust, and for anyone who ever wondered what Jesus meant by “love your enemies.” It is loosely based on the true story of Le Chambon-sur-Lignon, the only town to be honored by the state of Israel for rescuing Jews during the war.<br /><br />I won contests for poetry and creative nonfiction in college. The Shadow's Edge is my first novel. My mother, Lydia M, and I are the co-authors.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br /><br />Heather MHeather Mnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-9473233669253624392010-04-02T23:09:54.262-04:002010-04-02T23:09:54.262-04:00Kill the rhetorical question paragraph and end wit...Kill the rhetorical question paragraph and end with the "week later" bit. That's a strong ending._*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-28480377901482208432010-04-02T20:11:35.267-04:002010-04-02T20:11:35.267-04:00I know of no practice that's standard. I would...I know of no practice that's standard. I wouldn't tell whodunnit in your murder mystery, but I also wouldn't say, If you wanna know whodunnit, you'll have to read my manuscript. Tell enough to make it sound like an exciting story, and if that includes giving away the ending so be it. If not, no problem.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-83806360393727993952010-04-02T17:35:23.499-04:002010-04-02T17:35:23.499-04:00I have a question specifically for EE. Is there a ...I have a question specifically for EE. Is there a standard practice on whether you tell your ending in a query, or just your climactic conflict? A couple people have told me to tell my ending, but I always thought you didn't do that. (I realize it's not like the jacket copy where you only tell the first half. But lots of queries here don't tell their endings.)<br /><br />O Evil Genius, Overlord, Mister Amazing, Nobility In A Chair, could you weigh in?<br /><br />word ver: irperati. A branch of the Illuminati known for belching a lot.Heather Mnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-86150312756137424152010-04-02T16:53:56.105-04:002010-04-02T16:53:56.105-04:00I was with you for the first three paragraphs, and...I was with you for the first three paragraphs, and then the query got long and confusing; I couldn't keep track of all the people in it. I think generally a query works best when there are at most 2 named people in it. The two named people have to be Julien and Henri; perhaps instead of referring to Nina by name, you could just refer to the Jewish refugees, as that gets the point across and does not overwhelm your reader's ability to absorb a lot of disparate details from a small amount of text.<br /><br />You first paragraph says, "a school rivalry becomes a matter of life and death for two Jewish refugees." Then you talk about Julien and Henri, so I thought they were the Jewish refugees. Maybe you could just leave out "for two Jewish refugees" in that opening paragraph, since you introduce the refugees later.<br /><br />The synopsis part of the query is too long, so you'll definitely need to do some cutting.<br /><br />I like the writing. Feels very professional.Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12714078352001622357noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-61917783229471030712010-04-02T11:49:52.997-04:002010-04-02T11:49:52.997-04:00@Heather:
A much better start, but you veer off i...@Heather:<br /><br />A much better start, but you veer off into a meandering plot summary at "Then Henri comes to Julien..." Cut that out, and replace the "suspenseful" questions with actual answers.<br /><br />"Julien must do X to convince Henri of the truth and save Nina's life." And then what is the ending? Do the refugees go somewhere safe? Are they adopted by Julien's parents? Do the Germans show up anyway and kill them?<br /><br />And edit down the paragraph about the book's themes and history.<br /><br />The rule of thumb for a query is 10 well-balanced sentences. You have 23 sentences, some of which run very long.<br /><br />Edit ruthlessly!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-86718948748462220532010-04-02T10:39:20.061-04:002010-04-02T10:39:20.061-04:00Another attempt. Thanks very much for the helpful ...Another attempt. Thanks very much for the helpful comments.<br /><br /><br />Dear Evil Editor,<br /><br />In The Shadow's Edge, set in France during the first two years of World War II, a school rivalry becomes a matter of life and death for two Jewish refugees.<br /><br />In Tanieux, a village in the hills in southern France, fifteen-year-old Julien and his school rival Henri have hated each other ever since Julien walked onto the soccer field Henri thought of as “his.” Even the shock of their country's being conquered couldn't make them allies for long. Now they face off angrily over whether the new Vichy government is really collaborating with the Nazis.<br /><br />Then the stakes get much, much higher.<br /><br />Two teenage Jewish refugees who've recently arrived in town are in danger of being sent to a Vichy internment camp as “undesirables”--and it's Henri's father who's trying to get them interned. Julien helps a network of generous local people hide them and make it look like they've left town. Nina, the older sister of the pair, is dangerously sick and can't be moved. Julien, afraid for her, vents his anger in vicious confrontations with Henri.<br /><br />Then Henri comes to Julien at school and tells him quietly that he knows they're still in town. That Julien ought to “do the right thing” and tell him where they are. No, he hasn't told his father--yet.<br /><br />Julien tries to tell Henri that Nina and her brother, as Jews, are in more danger than most people know from the government Henri trusts. That the rumors are true, the Vichy camps are hellholes where even healthy people sicken and die. Henri turns and walks away.<br /><br />But a week later he still hasn't told his father.<br /><br />Could Henri ever swallow his pride and admit he's been wrong about Vichy? Can Julien convince him to keep his secret--Julien, the one who's tried to humiliate him in front of his friends in the schoolyard? Nina's life is at stake... but who has ever listened to his enemy?<br /><br />Complete at 88,000 words, The Shadow's Edge is a Christian historical YA novel for teens who like a good life-or-death story, for parents and teachers who want to enrich their kids' school study of WWII and the Holocaust, and for anyone who ever wondered what Jesus meant by “love your enemies.” It is loosely based on the true story of Le Chambon-sur-Lignon, the only town to be honored by the state of Israel for rescuing Jews during the war.<br /><br />I won contests for poetry and creative nonfiction in college. The Shadow's Edge is my first novel. My mother, Lydia M, and I are the co-authors.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br /><br />Heather MHeather Mnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-85508925778273839662010-04-02T08:20:17.818-04:002010-04-02T08:20:17.818-04:00@Heather: it sounds like there is a subtle flaw in...@Heather: it sounds like there is a subtle flaw in your story. Most people associate WWII and the Nazis with death camps, not with pre-death refugee camps. <br /><br />So I think readers will assume the stakes are much higher than what you describe. They may be underwhelmed when they find out the Jews in your story are in no danger of being executed. <br /><br />(It would be like writing a story about bombing Hiroshima...without an atomic bomb. It's still bad, but much less bad than our historical knowledge of the event.)<br /><br />So it sounds like the real story is two boys arguing over whether to be mean to two foreign kids.<br /><br />I suggest you write the query with a focus on this decision of whether to reveal the refugees. Leave out the backstory and leave out the plot details about mayors and pastors. <br /><br />What does Julien do? What does Henri do? How do they grow or learn? Does this have the "Hollywood" ending where everyone lives happily ever after, or something less expected?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-70655358681833740452010-04-01T22:38:05.157-04:002010-04-01T22:38:05.157-04:00Heather: That retelling in your last comment isn&#...Heather: That retelling in your last comment isn't too bad. Could you merge it with one of your query attempts, trim a lot, and see if that helps?_*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-389408579188896372010-04-01T10:48:52.148-04:002010-04-01T10:48:52.148-04:00Matthew, great streamlining, but... unfortunately,...Matthew, great streamlining, but... unfortunately, that's not how the book goes at all.<br /><br />This book is a b**** to get into a query, man.<br /><br />One of the wrinkles is: no one's really pursuing the Jews because they are Jews. Not quite yet. It's only 1940. (This is going to be a trilogy.) Also no one in France knows there are death camps in Germany. The Vichy gov't in particular is trying to make everything look all legal and nice. (They're just refugee camps!) This is one of the unique aspects of the book, once you're actually reading it: Julien's not handed a ready-made truth about Vichy. He has to figure it out for himself. Normally, hide-the-Jews adventure stories open in 1943, when everything's all clear. We wanted this one to be different.<br /><br />Okay, what really happens (maybe this will help you help me!): Julien takes the refugees to the pastor's house, because that's where they ask to go. The pastor's wife naively goes to the mayor and asks him to provide ration cards (which is illegal, 'cause they're not citizens nor legal residents), but the mayor's gotten a call from Henri's dad. Who just thinks these people are undesirables, that's all--they look dirty and untrustworthy, and there's hardly enough food to go around even without taking in beggars. So the mayor tells the pastor's wife, "Get 'em out of town or they'll be sent to a camp where they belong." Julien and his mom help the pastor's wife find places for the refugees to hide (separately, for logistical reasons.) Henri spots one of them with Julien in the street one night (going to visit the other), then he comes to Julien about it and wants to know where they are and why didn't they do what the mayor said.<br /><br />The danger is that Henri will tell his father. Without the trapdoors and hidden panels that will be constructed later in the war ;), it's gonna be hard to keep them hidden for long once the dad and the mayor know they're in town; especially since Nina's sick and can't be moved. (That's why the rivalry matters. Henri's pretty likely not to listen to Julien because J's been a jerk to him. It's going to be pretty hard for him to admit that Julien's been right about Vichy, even though he's beginning to suspect it might be so...)<br /><br />So, the stakes are: if Henri tells his father, Nina will get taken to a camp and die. And what confused you, Phoenix, about the stakes, was the "on their trail" bit, which I need to change. It was just an easy way of constructing the sentence. Too easy.<br /><br />Let's see...<br /><br />"When the mayor, incited by Henri's father, orders them to leave town or be sent to a Vichy internment camp, Julien helps to hide them and make it look like they've left."<br /><br />Oh, and uh, thank you all very much for helping me think about this...<br /><br />Word ver: plierifi. One of the Italian villages Nina and her brother went through on their way to France...Heather Mnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-64326749665828479352010-04-01T09:30:02.657-04:002010-04-01T09:30:02.657-04:00Hi Heather: The revise is MUCH better at getting t...Hi Heather: The revise is MUCH better at getting to the heart of the conflict. Maybe marry your version with Matthew's to tighten it a bit more.<br /><br />Pay special attention to Matthew's stakes paragraph. That's the part in your version that didn't pull me in. If the Vichy is already on the refugees' tails, then Henri saying he knows they're in town isn't much of a threat and Julien simply not saying anything isn't much of a resolution.Phoenix Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03290349031002504007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52580347466386988672010-04-01T04:52:11.234-04:002010-04-01T04:52:11.234-04:00I don't think there's anything wrong with ...I don't think there's anything wrong with relating a domestic YA drama set during a great historical event, such as Hitler taking over.<br /><br />The Book Thief did it pretty well.<br /><br />It sounds interesting, you just need to make the ideas connect in the query. Also I think it's good that the B story sounds instantly compelling. That should make the reader hungry for more of it, rather than annoyed when you leave the main characters.Joe Gnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-26727087861168805712010-04-01T01:25:21.455-04:002010-04-01T01:25:21.455-04:00Just trying to streamline this for you...
In Nazi...Just trying to streamline this for you...<br /><br />In Nazi controlled Vichy France, fifteen-year-old Julien Dubois and his nemesis Henri Riel have formed rival gangs at school. Henri supports the new regime, but Julien foresees the truth -- that the growing Vichy interment camps will eventually be a direct pipeline to the Nazi death camps.<br /><br />When Julien encounters two Jewish refugees, he finds them a place to hide. But Henri, eager to prove himself to his father (a member of the new Vichy government), takes it upon himself to find and capture the same refugees...and their trail leads straight to Julien's doorstep.<br /><br />Does Julien hand over the refugees in order to protect his family? Or does he escape with the refugees, putting everyone he cares about at risk? <br />***<br /><br />That's how I see your story. I hope it helps.Matthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07681932402948885690noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-20278677869437548792010-04-01T00:32:17.973-04:002010-04-01T00:32:17.973-04:00The Christian tag at the end kind of threw me. The...The Christian tag at the end kind of threw me. There was no indication of this marketing detail whatsoever in the rest of the query.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-80567039811283816422010-03-31T23:58:40.549-04:002010-03-31T23:58:40.549-04:00Yeah that sounds fun EE... an Agent War with my mo...Yeah that sounds fun EE... an Agent War with my mom...Heather Mnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-48009388622524339112010-03-31T22:48:01.194-04:002010-03-31T22:48:01.194-04:00This sounds like it's got the Turkey City Lexi...This sounds like it's got the Turkey City Lexicon's "Squid on the Mantelpiece." To quote: "It’s hard to properly dramatize, say, the domestic effects of Dad’s bank overdraft when a giant writhing kraken is levelling the city." Replace the bank overdraft with lycee rivalry, and the kraken with Hitler.<br /><br />In essence, it sounds here like the rivalry is the point of the book, not the setup. If it's the point of the book, you might want to reconsider.<br /><br />OK, I just read the new version. It's a lot better this time, though I'm not quite sure how to critique it. My only definite nitpick is that your first sentence makes me think the two refugees are Henri and Julien.<br /><br />Kirsten Nelsen or Miss Snark? My mind is exploding._*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-62873576453336320412010-03-31T20:13:20.850-04:002010-03-31T20:13:20.850-04:00Agents represent people. In the case of coauthors,...Agents represent people. In the case of coauthors, it's possible each coauthor would have her own agent. If you feel Kristin Nelson is your dream agent, and your coauthor feels Miss Snark is her dream agent, you can each have your way. Miss Snark will argue that you did all the work on the book, while Ms. Nelson will argue that you did next to nothing.<br /><br />You want to choose your agent with an eye toward a long-term relationship, not just this book.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-85671636157209375902010-03-31T19:45:54.002-04:002010-03-31T19:45:54.002-04:00Question to EE--since this book is co-written, doe...Question to EE--since this book is co-written, does the agent represent each co-author, or just the book they write together? Not sure if that has any bearing on how one queries...Marissa Doylehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11248406475808085694noreply@blogger.com