tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post1628774529962190812..comments2024-03-18T13:32:44.865-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 727Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90764444529019014282010-02-12T19:05:24.945-05:002010-02-12T19:05:24.945-05:00Thanks for reading. Really appreciate the feedback...Thanks for reading. Really appreciate the feedback. And great continuations.Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-49243654967469176452010-02-12T11:26:19.377-05:002010-02-12T11:26:19.377-05:00I love the second paragraph. The first one was goo...I love the second paragraph. The first one was good, but I had to work at it a bit. Some of the sentences were a little too long and contained too many tangents for me to keep track of what the next bit went with from before.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-40640139012634040632010-02-12T10:42:14.748-05:002010-02-12T10:42:14.748-05:00Dave, I love your comments, when you mentioned the...Dave, I love your comments, when you mentioned the writer used an older style - can you expand please? The herd of averbs that broke through the gate or the too long sentences or something else? Thanks, BibiAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-86805182273824996952010-02-11T22:52:05.119-05:002010-02-11T22:52:05.119-05:00I really didn't mind the tell-y-ness of this a...I really didn't mind the tell-y-ness of this all that much, though I do think you should have cut it off after "blame" in the second paragraph.<br /><br />I'm iffy about calling Jonathan "minutely younger." I think it's the "minutely" that bugs me._*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-68100700261383809342010-02-11T22:03:33.270-05:002010-02-11T22:03:33.270-05:00Half way through the first paragraph, I realized I...Half way through the first paragraph, I realized I hadn't taken a single breath in awaiting for a break in the actual sentence, and did the worst thing for a writer: I started to skim.<br /><br />The continuation, however, made me laugh. Loved it.Brendahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17083327647412477394noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-49347230069498057332010-02-11T19:06:44.454-05:002010-02-11T19:06:44.454-05:00Doesn't work for me. The sentences are too lon...Doesn't work for me. The sentences are too long and you're trying too hard to be clever. Why should I care about these people?Marlanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-2438011911841412322010-02-11T14:47:14.766-05:002010-02-11T14:47:14.766-05:00I like it ALOT, but I'd break down the longer ...I like it ALOT, but I'd break down the longer sentences. Sometimes hard to follow!Christinanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-8625792604604873452010-02-11T13:36:22.208-05:002010-02-11T13:36:22.208-05:00It is an older style and it is wordy for my taste ...It is an older style and it is wordy for my taste but it's cute and funny and it works to introduce the slightly eccentric main character and her friend.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-82059515824938864082010-02-11T12:36:04.258-05:002010-02-11T12:36:04.258-05:00The first paragraph has great voice, a little hard...The first paragraph has great voice, a little hard to follow, but I do find it interesting.<br /><br />The second paragraph feels weak to me, though. You say "perfect moment" twice and "precious" twice. It feels like a shift from the vividness and personality of the first paragraph to vague, cliche-y ruminations. <br /><br />I wonder which one would have been Castor and which one Pollux? :)Elliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10592356672960746162noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-430368746166899132010-02-11T10:15:32.320-05:002010-02-11T10:15:32.320-05:00Well done, Anon!
"when everything is new, not...Well done, Anon!<br />"when everything is new, nothing is broken and no one is to blame." is a perfect line.Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-12387897461653046162010-02-11T09:22:19.892-05:002010-02-11T09:22:19.892-05:00I think you want "acceded," rather than ...I think you want "acceded," rather than "conceded" to the better names.<br /><br />Should that be the "deaths" of her fathers, rather than the "death"?Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-79488899118465835052010-02-11T09:09:34.393-05:002010-02-11T09:09:34.393-05:00Unchosen continuations:
Sophie's eyes narrow...Unchosen continuations:<br /><br /><br />Sophie's eyes narrowed as "Bumhole" breathlessly listed the multiple miserable fates that he predicted for her new daughter, and, with sudden clarity of mind, decided perhaps he wasn't the best choice for Godfather after all.<br /><br />--anon.<br /><br /><br />But then, sure enough, in a fizzle of irony that zapped across the hospital like static shock, not ten minutes later the maternity nurse, leaning over to plant a kiss on baby Katrina's face, tripped over her feet and tumbled kisser first onto the shiny floor, cracking her femur, where she let out a shriek that echoed through the walls of the building and into the street below, causing a lorry driver to jump the kerb and slam into the hospital wall, whereupon Katrina's first father shouted "F***!" and her second shouted "Holy sh**!", causing Sophie, still woozy from the second dose of morphine Brian had slipped her, to scream out "Don't you swear in front of my babies! I want a divorce! From both of you!" right before the weakened hospital wall collapsed on both men, killing them instantly as the maternity ward floor gave way beneath their feet.<br /><br />As tiny baby Katrina lay whimpering in her crib, her brother took the pacifier out of his mouth and looked over at her. "See?" he said. "This is what you get for not crying like a normal baby." <br /><br />--Sarah from Hawthorne<br /><br /><br />precious, the third baby, (what quirk caused this baby to be named a la ee c we'll never know) combined bawling and quiet breathing at a one two tempo that blended her elder and younger siblings' first minutes of life. It was weird how precious had taken on the screaming/breathing of the two she shared the womb with over the past nine .5 and 3/4months.<br />Bumhole was chuffed that no one coud pervert the name "precious" into a nasty body part. <br /><br />-- bibi<br /><br /><br />The plump nurse smiled as she tucked the twins into their bassinettes. She had a good feeling about these two. <br /><br />--Ellie<br /><br /><br />***<br /><br />Judge Archer set the papers down and sighed. He was getting too old for this. It was bad enough when Grisham was trying to break in and every damn one of his briefs read like a clause infested thriller, but what the hell was this? Literary deposition? All he knew for sure was the day he received a dispositive motion starring teenage vampires was the day he’d chuck his gavel out the window and buy that little island in the Caribbean.<br /><br />--Blogless_TrollEvil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-45439828931915724222010-02-11T08:59:49.290-05:002010-02-11T08:59:49.290-05:00I actually love this. The voice is great--a littl...I actually love this. The voice is great--a little quirky, hints of Zadie-Smith-over-the-top-ness, still interesting with the wordiness. <br /><br />I really like the description of the moment of birth--"when everything is new, nothing is broken and no one is to blame." But I thought the following line "the single, precious moment..." was too much though--I'd recommend a quicker transition into the list.<br /><br />I would definitely read on.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com