tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post1604043144051264609..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 612Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-87793771324442837192009-03-13T08:34:00.000-04:002009-03-13T08:34:00.000-04:00Thaks so much for all your comments and great sugg...Thaks so much for all your comments and great suggestions, this will really help me revise it into something that might actually get the story read by an agent!Jamie Greyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07504892632149036762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-77179199290945226012009-03-13T04:34:00.000-04:002009-03-13T04:34:00.000-04:00I loved GTP #1.Hah. Mine!<I>I loved GTP #1.</I><BR/><BR/>Hah. Mine!Stacyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03365582623380288038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-81848183187211764572009-03-12T22:05:00.000-04:002009-03-12T22:05:00.000-04:00I think your versions in the comments are much mor...I think your versions in the comments are much more enjoyable to read. The original one is pretty dry.<BR/><BR/>Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1185384941141502452009-03-12T21:32:00.000-04:002009-03-12T21:32:00.000-04:00I liked the second version better, except that it'...I liked the second version better, except that it's vaguer about the dark side of Jo's powers. And I'm not clear if she's choosing between saving the Prince or her life, or between saving the Prince from the traitor and keeping the kingdom safe from herself...the latter interests me more, though both are good.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-10748103495596291202009-03-12T20:53:00.000-04:002009-03-12T20:53:00.000-04:00I definitely like the new one better. I think you ...I definitely like the new one better. I think you may want to borrow a sentence from the old one, though; I jogged to this without really remembering the original, and call the traitor *the* traitor in the last paragraph threw me. Just transition it from the next sentence a bit, ie, "The traitor sneaking around the castle/ruining everyone's plans."<BR/>Not a fan of ghosts except for the one... two... well, the third one isn't really a ghost... I had a reason for writing my story that way... never mind.<BR/>Good work._*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-48278869367591099822009-03-12T20:51:00.000-04:002009-03-12T20:51:00.000-04:00I'd like more clarity about Jo's "dark powers." U...I'd like more clarity about Jo's "dark powers." Usually such are acquired by doing deals with the forces of evil in some way, as opposed to the "powers of the Light" possessed by good mages. Is Dark Power a particular kind of magic (say, witchcraft as opposed to wizardry) which one is born with and is not necessarily either good or evil? Has Jo been dallying with the forces of evil, either on purpose (perhaps to bespell the bullies) or accidentally, not knowing what she's getting into? This seems an important matter which should be defined--which means, I suppose, fitting in a brief definition of the way magic works in your world.talpiannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13978075304795724185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-81878472634621380972009-03-12T20:28:00.000-04:002009-03-12T20:28:00.000-04:00If you have to ditch either Owen or the romantic i...If you have to ditch either Owen or the romantic interest in the prince (as opposed to the strategic interest), then ditch the prince. Owen is more interesting and less generic-sounding for the query. Bearing in mind that I'm not published and not an agent so take with the requisite grains of salt.<BR/>-Barbarabatgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-77537431634947145762009-03-12T20:07:00.000-04:002009-03-12T20:07:00.000-04:00I loved GTP #1.I loved GTP #1.Robin B.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11471528485010071521noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38827867051188446992009-03-12T19:38:00.000-04:002009-03-12T19:38:00.000-04:00I'm a little perplexed at the role her ghostly fri...I'm a little perplexed at the role her ghostly friend takes. In the first query, he's an ally. In the second, he seems to be more of a nuisance, and it's not explained why he's necessary to Jo's story. Or are there two of them? Maybe I misunderstood here. <BR/><BR/>If Owen is necessary to the plot, keep him as an ally in the second version. It would explain why he's there.Stacyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03365582623380288038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-26030357228550498712009-03-12T19:18:00.000-04:002009-03-12T19:18:00.000-04:00I like the voice in the query, which is a definite...I like the voice in the query, which is a definite plus. In your third paragraph, I felt like this got sprung on me, as though I were already expected to know some of the key information. A little more explanation to fill things out might help.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-79031748493055252742009-03-12T18:58:00.000-04:002009-03-12T18:58:00.000-04:00Either mention that the academy is in the castle, ...Either mention that the academy is in the castle, or don't bring up the Jo/prince relationship.<BR/><BR/>Just telling us Jo has unexpectedly acquired magical abilities will clue us in that it's not a magic academy. Which will clue us in that it's not Harriet Potter. Which is good. What's bad is that we aren't crazy about magic powers that are acquired without explanation. The prince is in danger, and only magic can save him. Conveniently Jo has suddenly, without explanation, become a wizard. I don't think a hint about where she gets her powers would hurt.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-16566779855509701122009-03-12T18:34:00.000-04:002009-03-12T18:34:00.000-04:00There's such a fine line between too much info and...There's such a fine line between too much info and not enough! I had such a hard time figuring out how much to include - mostly about Jo's magic and what a guardian was!<BR/><BR/>The academy is not magical, it's more like a school where students are trained for the political life - to become advisers to the Queen, thus, it's actually located in the castle, where Prince Nerrith lives... which is how Jo runs into him. <BR/><BR/>Jo's sudden new abilities are part of the mystery of the traitor, and the woman he works for, and not fully explained in this book (was saving the full explanation for book two :) so I didn't want to get into too much detail about where they came from, but more about the challenges they're giving Jo. (what with the addiction and all ;-)<BR/><BR/>So you see my dilemma...so much info, so little room!!! Any thoughts on if I should try to include more of this?Jamie Greyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07504892632149036762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-7410546416706714902009-03-12T18:10:00.000-04:002009-03-12T18:10:00.000-04:00The info in this version is focused better on the ...The info in this version is focused better on the main plot. We didn't need the younger students making her life hell. However, I still can't tell if students learn magic at this academy, as I don't know what a Guardian is. If they don't learn magic, why does Jo have powers, and why didn't she have them before she got there?<BR/><BR/>I also now find myself wondering why a student at this academy has a relationship with the prince. Is the prince a student?Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-29263302876054029092009-03-12T18:09:00.000-04:002009-03-12T18:09:00.000-04:00I definitely like the revised synopsis, but it may...I definitely like the revised synopsis, but it may be a bit long for a query letter. I'm curioius about what Jo's magic is, and I wonder if you could trim a little of the revision and fit in a hint about that?batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-35132119158621425102009-03-12T17:55:00.000-04:002009-03-12T17:55:00.000-04:00Al-anon is for the suffering relations, not the pr...Al-anon is for the suffering relations, not the problem drinkers themselves.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-61057179936654820772009-03-12T17:49:00.000-04:002009-03-12T17:49:00.000-04:00Might help to be consistent with your Princes. Pe...Might help to be consistent with your Princes. Personally, I got confused when Price became (insert ansi code here), and I'm assuming Prince Nerrith is the Prince of Ellisar.<BR/><BR/>I'm also intrigued by Jo almost killing another student, though this reads a little 'jetted in', but other than that, it's a clear enough query.Whirlochrehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09846196906206886945noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-42807397413265500552009-03-12T17:39:00.000-04:002009-03-12T17:39:00.000-04:00L Violet makes a great point. All of those intrigu...L Violet makes a great point. All of those intriguing questions are raised, just as our interest is piqued. The agent is probably looking forward to the synopsis and a few pages, to start.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-37293446755609402602009-03-12T17:29:00.000-04:002009-03-12T17:29:00.000-04:00Author here - Oh wow! I've had several LOTR fans r...Author here - Oh wow! I've had several LOTR fans read this and none of them pointed out the Ellisar thing! Thanks so much for the catch, I'm so embarrassed!<BR/><BR/>I was afraid this query was a little too generic for a YA fantasy, and looks like I was right. Thanks for the comments guys. I did come up with a new blurb, hoping it was a bit better. Does this sound less generic and more YA?<BR/><BR/><BR/>As the newest Guardian trainee at the Teras Academy, Jo should be worrying about making friends and studying for exams. Instead, she’s trying to dodge the ghost of Owen Westerly. She’s the first person in a hundred years able to communicate with the dead wizard, and Owen’s not about to let Jo out of his sight. Luckily, Jo’s flirtation with the handsome Prince Nerrith is a pleasant distraction from Owen’s constant presence, even if having an audience is a bit unnerving.<BR/><BR/>But Jo finds her arrival in Teras triggers more than just a ghostly relationship. She also discovers her new magical abilities may be the only thing that can stop the prince’s murder at the hands of a traitor. Unfortunately, the magic has a mind of its own and with every spell she casts, her dark power threatens to spin out of her control.<BR/><BR/>With the help of her ghostly companion, Jo scrambles to find the identity of the traitor before he executes her Prince Charming. But a disturbing discovery could ruin her growing relationship with the prince. The traitor isn’t the only one keeping secrets - the reality of Jo’s own heritage and the truth about her powers may be enough to destroy the kingdom. Now tangled in a web of magic and deceit, Jo must choose between saving her prince and saving herself.<BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/>Thanks again for posting this Evil Editor, you're wonderful!Jamie Greyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07504892632149036762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-65487827579000941492009-03-12T16:46:00.000-04:002009-03-12T16:46:00.000-04:00I thought Aragorn's name was Elessar. Similar Ell...I thought Aragorn's name was Elessar. Similar Ellisar, but not *that* close. I wouldn't have a problem with it.<BR/><BR/>Not like a certain fantasy wizard named "Allanon" in Terry Brooks' Sword of Shannara. No, he didn't have a drinking problem. :-pAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-55954451477765872472009-03-12T15:44:00.000-04:002009-03-12T15:44:00.000-04:00What's a Guardian? Who's Prince Nerrith? (the Prin...What's a Guardian? Who's Prince Nerrith? (the Prince of Ellisar, I guess.) What's the greater evil that might be unleashed? Is the loose traitor connected to the dead Guardian?pulphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09338209570035044103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52461330169765599722009-03-12T14:52:00.000-04:002009-03-12T14:52:00.000-04:00Ellisar was one of the many names of Aragorn in a ...Ellisar was one of the many names of Aragorn in a little-known work called "The Lord of the Rings".<BR/><BR/>I just mention this before everyone else does.<BR/><BR/>This looks like a decent query for a fairly standard Fantasy novel. I'd like to know the significance of Guardians, and also, as EE says, why Jo is so special. But overall, well done :).nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.com