tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post117462690455302241..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 301Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-53709710514212057082007-05-09T10:02:00.000-04:002007-05-09T10:02:00.000-04:00Much much better IMHupO. However, it still doesn't...Much much better IMHupO. However, it still doesn't give much sense of the meat of the book. What's happening while he's gathering evidence? Is he on the run, or merely dogged by snipers? Why don't they frame him for something nasty?M Harold Pagehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08949772130509527838noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90597376708639462122007-05-08T11:17:00.000-04:002007-05-08T11:17:00.000-04:00It's better but still too long. When you cut to th...It's better but still too long. When you cut to the chase you can really strengthen this. This isn’t perfect but IMHO the plot comes through better.<BR/><BR/> Ex: <BR/><BR/>Staying in school can kill you.<BR/><BR/>Lee (INSERT LAST NAME) is Stanford’s top doctoral graduate and a superhero in the academic publishing world. Top colleges court him. Seduced by an obscene (job) offer, Lee chucks Harvard and MIT, and opts (for a position) with Mayfair College, a small exclusive college in upstate New York.<BR/><BR/>(From the first day at Mayfair, Lee notices that things are different than expected. There are no minority professors. Or even minority students. And colleagues are dying in unusual accidents.) Then he inadvertently discovers (HOW?) a (plot to elect, insert name, a) racist Senator Alumnus, the next President of America. <BR/><BR/>Mayfair, started by the founding father of the Nazi party (Hitler?? If you mean him, just say it. If not, give me a name and then the description), is on the brink of ushering in the next holocaust. Everyone who opposes the college's master plan is terminated. And Lee's next on the hit list. <BR/><BR/> *** <BR/><BR/>I don't like ending with a question mark as you did with the original. The problem I had with all the questions in the most recent version is you didn't answer them. Strip out the questions and give me the information, which I indicated in "( )", I need IMHO to believe the plot will work. Also I think present tense is the preferred tense for queries and synopsizes. <BR/><BR/> The first line is great. Now keep that tone throughout the queryAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-18874744855099913782007-05-08T08:25:00.000-04:002007-05-08T08:25:00.000-04:00It's much better with the focus on Lee. It needs t...It's much better with the focus on Lee. It needs to be in the present tense from beginning to end. The paragraph that begins "It was a happy nuptial ... can be dumped. If it isn't, at least change "colored" to "minority" or "African-American." There are a few rough spots, but I'll let the minions point out the most glaring ones.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-28683133831363367992007-05-08T08:19:00.000-04:002007-05-08T08:19:00.000-04:00I have attached the new rewritten query below. Ple...I have attached the new rewritten query below. Please can I ask you and your minions to tear it apart again. Each comment is a valuable learning experience for me. Thank-you so much.<BR/>Dr. Billy<BR/> <BR/><BR/>Staying in school can kill you.<BR/><BR/>Lee is Stanford’s top doctoral graduate. His publications make him a superhero in the academic world. So it was no surprise to him when top colleges came a courting. Seduced by an obscene offer, Lee chucked Harvard and MIT, and opted for Mayfair College, a small exclusive college in upstate New York.<BR/><BR/>It was a happy nuptial but why do people who stood in the way of the college die off in accidents? Maybe it was just coincidence. And why, in this time and age, were there no other colored faculty in the college? Maybe that was coincidence too.<BR/><BR/>Lee’s world of mundane academics, tenure, and promotion was finally turned upside down when he inadvertently discovered that a handful of top leaders at Mayfair had the insane idea of getting a racist Senator alumnus to become the next President of America. <BR/><BR/>But did their plan stop there?<BR/><BR/>Who else in the school was involved? <BR/><BR/>Can anybody in the school be trusted?<BR/><BR/>To his chagrin, Lee also learnt that Mayfair was after his publication record so as not to lose their billion dollar endowment fund. When another one of his colleagues’ died, Lee discovered to his further dismay that the college had a master plan, formulated before he was even hired, to get rid of him too. Permanently.<BR/><BR/>For everybody who stood in the way of the college dies.<BR/><BR/>As the Civil Liberties Group got involved, Mayfair’s cloak of secrecy fell to reveal a past so terrible and a future so unthinkable that if successful, America will be changed forever - for Mayfair was started by the founding father of the Nazi party. Can Lee survive his honeymoon long enough to expose a racist plan, 60 years in the making, to take over America?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1174756570563339972007-03-24T14:16:00.000-04:002007-03-24T14:16:00.000-04:00Dear EE and fellow ee'ites, I want to thanks all o...Dear EE and fellow ee'ites, I want to thanks all of you for your insightful comments to my novel THE COLLEGE. I really appreciate all of you and look forward to future input as well.<BR/>I will be sure to modify my novel in light of this new comments. Also, the query of course.<BR/>A little bit more info on the book. Fact:The Nazi party evolved from the teachings of 1 man, whose death was faked in Istanbul. He subsequently disappeared.<BR/>Yes, the book is all about Lee and his discoveries thereof. I gave the backdrop story to see how it would be received. Why did you all assume Lee was black? <BR/>The accreditation was not a race requirement. It is much more complicated and involves a lot of money! Very smart that some of you saw this right off.<BR/>Yes, all the characters are second generation (or sympathisers) extremists. But we are not talking about the Nazi party here. We have a master teacher here who can adapt very well to US culture. So forget about genocide. Think power, money, and influence.<BR/>The book has lots of historical facts mingled with the fiction. Mendelian laws, eugenics, immigration are all there. Couple it with some fast action and a plot that grows into paranoia (as the book progresses)and you get a book that I hope will be accepted for publication one fine day!<BR/>I just want to say again that many of you saw through some of the intricacies of the plot and I tip my hat off to you.<BR/>Thank you EE and all ee'ites. <BR/>Any other comments to help me would be most welcomed.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1174750078087456142007-03-24T12:27:00.000-04:002007-03-24T12:27:00.000-04:00That would be Face-Lift 268 (http://evileditor.blo...That would be Face-Lift 268 (http://evileditor.blogspot.com/2007/01/face-lift-268.html).<BR/><BR/>No idea if there's a connection.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1174748982171809442007-03-24T12:09:00.000-04:002007-03-24T12:09:00.000-04:00Wasn't someone a few queries back doing a book whe...Wasn't someone a few queries back doing a book where the culprits were a sleeper cell of aged communists? Is this the same book but with the names changed? Or was that one of the guess plots?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1174711522531163152007-03-24T01:45:00.000-04:002007-03-24T01:45:00.000-04:00I frankly don't find the plot the least bit believ...I frankly don't find the plot the least bit believable either, but it still sounds interesting and fun if done well. It's kind of like watching that video (I never got all the way through it) that essentially says that the US government created the 9/11 hijackings. Not believable, but a darn fun story.<BR/><BR/>And I keep forgetting to bow down to EE's superior creativity. This was a good one, EE.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1174709711621853592007-03-24T01:15:00.000-04:002007-03-24T01:15:00.000-04:00A veteran of the WWII would have to be 80+ years o...<I>A veteran of the WWII would have to be 80+ years old now, not 70.</I><BR/><BR/>True, but the conspirators are not veterans of WWII, they're graduates of THE COLLEGE, which was born after WWII, possibly quite a few years after.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1174706146558777252007-03-24T00:15:00.000-04:002007-03-24T00:15:00.000-04:00A veteran of the WWII would have to be 80+ years o...A veteran of the WWII would have to be 80+ years old now, not 70. [62+18]. I know there are people who love to hate Hitler in fiction, but that's not my genre. I don't find this plot the least bit believable, but maybe your readers love any conspiracy theory with Nazi villains and will therefore adore it as is.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1174699604939141832007-03-23T22:26:00.000-04:002007-03-23T22:26:00.000-04:00Religion 160: why God likes white people best LOL ...Religion 160: why God likes white people best <BR/><BR/>LOL That's classic. All the classes were pretty damn funny.<BR/><BR/>I always come in late with my comment, and I don't have much to add to what's already been said. There's some good advice in the comments. Your job is to figure out which ones to use :-)Wonderwoodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13118126631519254865noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1174696895278904792007-03-23T21:41:00.000-04:002007-03-23T21:41:00.000-04:00I can think of several stories: Brotherhood of the...I can think of several stories: <BR/>Brotherhood of the BEL (Beta Epsilon Lambda), The Skulls, The Boys From Brazil, The Manchurian Candidate, to mention a few that involve old conspiracies about taking over the USA by getting a nasty, mole-like presidents elected. Or at least something like that. Conpsiracy theories are good plots. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow was another but is sucked swamp water so bad, I hate to even mention it. <BR/><BR/>The plot is not the problem, the implementation is. Most WW2 vets are dying off. So it's got to be a second generation of nazi loonies and far, far, far, (even farther - like beyond the Ortt Cloud) right wing nutcakes who run this entire college. <BR/><BR/>I don't believe that. Refine your plot some and make the story match up with it. <BR/><BR/>Start out with the premise that your protagonist is attending college at 21 and was born in 1986. His mother had to be born after 1946 or later. I suspect 1955. So her mother, your heroes grandmother would be born no earlier than 1906 and died in childbirth having a late child. Fathers don't count for this because they don't suffern from a "biological clock"... <BR/><BR/>Ages can be so restricting. You have to be careful about them.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1174691922659637562007-03-23T20:18:00.000-04:002007-03-23T20:18:00.000-04:00I blame the black thing entirely on EE's hilarious...I blame the black thing entirely on EE's hilarious comments.merperhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17212282661263276801noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1174687440971525962007-03-23T19:04:00.000-04:002007-03-23T19:04:00.000-04:00I'm with pjd. You have a complex premise, and com...I'm with pjd. You have a complex premise, and complexity doesn't lend itself to a one-page query letter.<BR/><BR/>Skip the backstory and focus on Lee and his problem. He thought he was getting his dream job, only to realize more than just the usual academic bickering over tenure is going on. He uncovers a plot more than sixty years in the making, with its ultimate goal... what? Sure, a Nazi president would be bad, but without collaborators in Congress and on the Supreme Court, how much mayhem would he get away with before he was impeached?<BR/><BR/>I'm assuming your college's fiendish plan doesn't just stop at the oath of office and doesn't hinge on just one man. So what's the really BIG thing Lee finds out, besides that some rich white jerk might get elected to the presidency. It's happened before. In fact, it happens nearly every time.<BR/><BR/>But whatever you do, leave most if not all of the backstory out of the query. This novel is about Lee, right? The query should be, too.<BR/><BR/>And as for GTP#1, you just unscrew the back. No scalpel or even a screwdriver needed. Duh, Cole!Ann (bunnygirl)https://www.blogger.com/profile/04938134750150653386noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1174682877653791342007-03-23T17:47:00.000-04:002007-03-23T17:47:00.000-04:00I find it interesting that people assume Lee is bl...I find it interesting that people assume Lee is black. I made that assumption myself before re-reading the query. The only things we know about Lee are (a) he's male, (b) he's non-white, and (c) he graduated from Stanford.<BR/><BR/>Hmmm. In listing those things out, I'm wondering exactly who the people are in this book. The original teacher is probably dead. There's a Senator. There's a presidential candidate. That's three.<BR/><BR/>Following that line, I'm beginning to wonder what happens in the book. I hope when you send this query it is accompanied by a synopsis. I think that could work because you've got a pretty good hook buried in here. If not, then you might consider reworking the query.<BR/><BR/>Is Lee the main character? You'll notice all the comments you've received are analysis of the scenario, not of the story. Start with Lee and run through what he discovers and what he does about it, and why. Bring in the other characters.<BR/><BR/>If you were writing a query for Grisham's <I>The Firm</I>, for example, would you talk about how mob bosses hire lawyers to launder their money? No, you'd talk about the young lawyer roped into a bad situation, and what he does about it.<BR/><BR/>What you've given us in the query is all backstory. I think if you focus on Lee and the plot, you'll get far fewer comments disbelieving your premise.PJDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05028687955957107957noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1174681297717717732007-03-23T17:21:00.000-04:002007-03-23T17:21:00.000-04:00That's the other reason.Ow. I just fell out of my ...<I>That's the other reason.</I><BR/><BR/>Ow. I just fell out of my chair laughing. I'm seriously.<BR/><BR/>Anyway, why does it have to be Hitler's teacher? I'm sure all the Nazis didn't die when he did. Any of them could have loosely organized and formed an obscure private college with exacting entry categories. Maybe they had an Asian or two for accreditation purposes before now but were finally pressured to bring in a black guy.<BR/><BR/>Your suspension of disbelief niggles can be handled if you just step out of the box a bit. You don't have to have Hitler to have Nazis, for example. And not all minorities are black, for another.<BR/><BR/>I think you can pull it off if you just sharpen up those plot elements and get your timeline straight. It's perfectly acceptable for a few generations to have gone through the school before someone gets elected to office. Again, not too much a stretch if you tighten the other loopholes.<BR/><BR/>Just be very careful of your "facts". Not everything has to be historically accurate to be enjoyable, but don't ask <I>too</I> much of us!GutterBallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17943760313844692975noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1174678914064914042007-03-23T16:41:00.000-04:002007-03-23T16:41:00.000-04:00Difficult to suspend my disbelief on the backstory...Difficult to suspend my disbelief on the backstory, even with piano wire.Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1174678740080921722007-03-23T16:39:00.000-04:002007-03-23T16:39:00.000-04:00"The man faded into obscurity in upstate New York ..."The man faded into obscurity in upstate New York while his death was faked in Istanbul."<BR/><BR/>Faking a death and fading into obscurity are contrary, unless one happens something like ten years after the other. If he faked his death in Instanbul, New York Obscurity (I hear they've got killer racquetball courts!) would be shocked to find him there. Sloppy phrasing, I think.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1174678718744718352007-03-23T16:38:00.000-04:002007-03-23T16:38:00.000-04:00Oh, EE made me laugh.This requires me to suspend t...Oh, EE made me laugh.<BR/><BR/>This requires me to suspend too much of what I know about that particular time period.<BR/><BR/>If your belief is that the social elite from clubs such as Skull and Bones at Yale, as well as those from all the other ivys, work to create public policy that discriminates against non-whites, then write a novel about that. Because frankly, you can make a damned fine case, especially if you choose an era before civil rights and also before the current economic divisions.<BR/><BR/>But to mix Hitler in with the social elite is really iffy because one of his means to reaching his goal was genocide. And I wouldn't make the correlation between the social elite here and an outright act of genocide.Kananihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08317494343177263398noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1174677851607860862007-03-23T16:24:00.000-04:002007-03-23T16:24:00.000-04:00This is totally unbelievable for the simple reason...This is totally unbelievable for the simple reason that no Stanford graduate is smart enough to put two and two together. (Oops, did I let my Berkeley colors show through?)<BR/><BR/>Anyway, I was not bothered by the Istanbul thing. Also, 70 is not an unusual age for a US President, is it? I am more likely to disbelieve that they have just acquired their first senate spot while also having a clear path to the White House. Seems to me they'd have multiple senators before they'd be in position to place a president.<BR/><BR/>I think it's a great idea, but the query does not entirely convince me you can pull it off. See EE's questions. Also, with politics being what it is these days, wouldn't there likely be some conspiracy theories floating around about THE COLLEGE? Bloodhounds and character assassins abound during election years.<BR/><BR/>Additionally, are you sure that diverse faculty is a requirement for accreditation at a private college? I would be surprised if that were the case, but I have no background in accreditation.<BR/><BR/>The whole white supremacists hiring minorities thing doesn't feel right. Like fundamentalist Christians hiring an avowed atheist to teach Bible classes to children. I think it would be so abhorrent to them that they would fight with any and all means against it, from legal action to deceit, forgery, violence, etc. Or maybe dissolving and re-forming the college every few years. Or maybe even going without accreditation. You'll have to be <I>very</I> convincing on their need to hire a minority, I think.PJDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05028687955957107957noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1174675888106473112007-03-23T15:51:00.000-04:002007-03-23T15:51:00.000-04:00Do research on the Cold Springs Harbor lab and its...Do research on the Cold Springs Harbor lab and its associates, then rewrite your book.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1174674524886511922007-03-23T15:28:00.000-04:002007-03-23T15:28:00.000-04:00Just how much more mileage can EE get out of that ...Just how much more mileage can EE get out of that one piece of clipart? Bets should be taken!nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.com