tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post117311273445994626..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 234Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1173273388300574662007-03-07T08:16:00.000-05:002007-03-07T08:16:00.000-05:00I would buy the story from the continuation. The ...I would buy the story from the continuation. The start, not so much.<BR/><BR/>The writing is not bad, it just presumes that I'm going to be interested in a village's raison d'etre while watching an anonymous robin and an anonymous female before a coming storm.<BR/><BR/>What is missing is action by the young woman. She is pulling her cloak around her, but the author failed to mention that she is running (striding, trudging, whatever).<BR/><BR/>Get tighter into her POV and it could work fine. She is finally getting past the last fisherman going the other way, or whatever. She sees the robin. Etc.Twillhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16254392137759837985noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1173234213809342982007-03-06T21:23:00.000-05:002007-03-06T21:23:00.000-05:00Stop with the Port Rallos! Once is enough, honest....Stop with the Port Rallos! Once is enough, honest. Oh, OK, maybe twice. But we know where we are; trust us a little. Trench, now that's another question.<BR/><BR/>I didn't find this to be a very exciting opening; and that's nothing to do with what's happening, but with the position of the description. Maybe you could think about starting with the woman, show fear or concern, something to give us tension and get us into her head, and then move to the description from her perspective?<BR/><BR/>Lovin' Marge!McKoalahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01457446171624585099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1173215277911519092007-03-06T16:07:00.000-05:002007-03-06T16:07:00.000-05:00Wow. Now I feel eleven. which isn't a bad thing ...Wow. Now I feel eleven. which isn't a bad thing at my age. -V95Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1173206210956904352007-03-06T13:36:00.000-05:002007-03-06T13:36:00.000-05:00Continuation: A+Opening: I would have devoured thi...Continuation: A+<BR/><BR/>Opening: I would have devoured this when I was eleven or so. It's kind of refreshing to read an opening that actually mentions where the action's happening. I'd probably keep reading now to see what was up with the pearls etc.<BR/><BR/>- CLDAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1173203802882234272007-03-06T12:56:00.000-05:002007-03-06T12:56:00.000-05:00Another brilliant continuation!I heartily agree wi...Another brilliant continuation!<BR/><BR/>I heartily agree with all of the previous posters' trenchant comments.<BR/><BR/>I also noticed a comma splice in the last sentence--they're my pet peeve, so I had to mention it. Sorry.<BR/><BR/>Theo's right. Start with the storm. You can feed the other info in bit by bit over the course of the chapter.<BR/><BR/>And good luck!Marissa Doylehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11248406475808085694noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1173197404696103242007-03-06T11:10:00.000-05:002007-03-06T11:10:00.000-05:00I have to agree with some of the other comments. T...I have to agree with some of the other comments. This is a dangerous opening. It's all description. It seems disorganized. It doesn't describe the "dark and stormy night" but it gets close. <BR/><BR/>The reason the continuation works so well is that it introduces danger and suspense. And that may be the key to using an opening like this. Create a little "evil" in that description. Or add one element that is skewed against the grain. <BR/><BR/>If this were a movie, you would show the scene in earthtones, grays and dismal colors. Then one thing or person would be in brilliant red or orange to call attention by its contrast. Do that in words. <BR/><BR/>Trench is almost that "red" but the author can do a bit of tweaking to bring it forward.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1173196799147100832007-03-06T10:59:00.000-05:002007-03-06T10:59:00.000-05:00The first hint we have that something interesting ...The first hint we have that something interesting might be about to happen comes at the end of this long, long paragraph, and that's when you mention the approaching storm. It might help if you mention the storm (if it really is important) and the energy in the air before you give us the geography/industry report.<BR/><BR/>I'm willing to give stories time to develop but I need the writing to draw me in. I found this prose rather generic and cold, e.g., "The sea foamed at the shoreline while the wind carried the mist up the hillside. The breeze shifted..."<BR/><BR/>"a small robin...dart[ed]" -- I have the feeling you're assigning random adjectives for the sake of specificity. Mature robins are all the same size, and the juveniles don't fly very well. [/robin rant]<BR/><BR/>A nameless character -- well, that's just a pet peeve of mine, but on the other hand it contributes to the impersonality. And then we wander on to a dry report on the local fishing and pearl industry. I'm afraid not even the mysterious container of WTF would keep me reading. (small container = Chinese food?)<BR/><BR/>The continuation can be accounted for only by divine inspiration.shaded-lilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14006767625596152527noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1173194819410004402007-03-06T10:26:00.000-05:002007-03-06T10:26:00.000-05:00"...what on earth is trench?"Apparently it has sus..."...what on earth is trench?"<BR/><BR/>Apparently it has suspense or at least raises curiosity.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1173194342185182722007-03-06T10:19:00.000-05:002007-03-06T10:19:00.000-05:00Hi Rashenbo-Was this another one of your collectin...Hi Rashenbo-<BR/><BR/>Was this another one of your collecting-dust openings? Hope not, but I'm guessing so.<BR/><BR/>I'm not in the camp that believes action has to be in the first paragraph of a story or novel. I like a little time to breathe and settle in, as long as the writing is drawing me into the world being created, and the writing is well done, so I expect more well-done writing to take me somewhere with it.<BR/><BR/>And I think this does the job - talking about the pearls being highly sought after, the young girl with a cloak who has needed to travel, the storm coming - " the energy in the air (making) the hair on her arms stand up" - it might be a little tightening would help, but I think the mood and the picture have been set up pretty well.<BR/><BR/>But what the hell is trench?<BR/><BR/>ril, I love what you did with that question!Robin S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/03258459688300851984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1173193108956218842007-03-06T09:58:00.000-05:002007-03-06T09:58:00.000-05:00I'd be willing to read a little further to find ou...I'd be willing to read a little further to find out what "trench" is. But. This beginning does meander.Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1173192047738195662007-03-06T09:40:00.000-05:002007-03-06T09:40:00.000-05:00Description and backstory are deadly ways to begin...Description and backstory are deadly ways to begin a novel. There's no tension, no conflict. We're not let inside the nameless woman's head, so we have no idea what she's feeling or what she wants. This opening rambles from one topic to another (the weather, the traffic, the pearl industry, the weather again), but it never focuses on even a single conflict that would make it interesting. The only burning question I have is...what on earth is trench?<BR/><BR/>Try again. This time, introduce a character with a problem, something we can relate to. Something that intrigues.Bethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504439129670380071noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1173191693436187972007-03-06T09:34:00.000-05:002007-03-06T09:34:00.000-05:00I think the writing is good and moves well. I wou...I think the writing is good and moves well. I would read more of this and give it a chance to go somewhere interesting. -V95Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com