tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post117228634753877247..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 279Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172771905952480932007-03-01T12:58:00.000-05:002007-03-01T12:58:00.000-05:00The only thing that bugged me about this query was...The only thing that bugged me about this query was the abuse of commas. <BR/><BR/>Every sentence, like this one, is littered with too many commas, and you interrupt your thoughts too often, so you wind up with a runon sentence. <BR/><BR/>Remember that each comma denotes a pause in the sentence, the reader will be taking a mental (or physical) break at each one. Too many, and they'll get annoyed.Heather Dudleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04186324266078999666noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172596872212451912007-02-27T12:21:00.000-05:002007-02-27T12:21:00.000-05:00I don't think your switch to the 2nd person hypoth...I don't think your switch to the 2nd person hypothetical at the end of the query [you might do x, you might do y, you might do z] is an enticing approach. The query is supposed to tell us what the characters in the book do, not give us a guessing challenge. Your story's not about me. It doesn't matter what I would do.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172529282542809132007-02-26T17:34:00.000-05:002007-02-26T17:34:00.000-05:00Rent with Menaces!Rent with Menaces!nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172517639181691842007-02-26T14:20:00.000-05:002007-02-26T14:20:00.000-05:00anonymous, you are channelling Dennis the Menace. ...anonymous, you are channelling Dennis the Menace. I like it. And when the kids dig through the basement and discover one of Paris' famous sub basements leading to an ancient cellar in the neighboring house... <BR/><BR/>Then there are the (chalk?) caverns that they could dig into... Houses have been dropping into them in Paris, too. <BR/><BR/>YOu almost make me want to write about a bunch of children driving their mother crazy in paris myself!writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172516971336826552007-02-26T14:09:00.000-05:002007-02-26T14:09:00.000-05:00I think I have it now. What the children are dema...I think I have it now. What the children are demanding is the rent.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172511024500271772007-02-26T12:30:00.000-05:002007-02-26T12:30:00.000-05:00A gang of wily kids who can shift their attention ...A gang of wily kids who can shift their attention from digging for vampires and treasure in the basement to haunting the house in order to banish the unsuitable bachelors with terror might save the book. Insipid little whiners would not.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172505973612555812007-02-26T11:06:00.000-05:002007-02-26T11:06:00.000-05:00anon 1:05 - You need a nickname, and this one isn'...anon 1:05 - You need a nickname, and this one isn't doing you justice. I shall have to refer to you as <B><I>gollpeni</B></I>.<BR/><BR/>I can see no kids improving the plot. *eyes her four heathens*Brendahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17083327647412477394noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172499491816872402007-02-26T09:18:00.000-05:002007-02-26T09:18:00.000-05:00Evil is evil. He DISAPPEARED the children. (Have...Evil is evil. He DISAPPEARED the children. (Have you checked the children? Bwahahaha...)<BR/><BR/>Now that it's been brought to my attention, I can see that the kids being disappeared really does improve the query.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172494627389310062007-02-26T07:57:00.000-05:002007-02-26T07:57:00.000-05:00Well, this is what I wondered--what does happen wi...Well, this is what I wondered--what does happen with the children? They're so demanding that they just disappear!nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172469529955990242007-02-26T00:58:00.000-05:002007-02-26T00:58:00.000-05:00br br wrote:anon 1:05, are you jealous? *grin*Bust...<I>br br wrote:<BR/>anon 1:05, are you jealous? *grin*</I><BR/><BR/>Busted. Jealous doesn't half describe it.<BR/><BR/>verification word: <I>gollpeni</I><BR/>I'm not even going to touch that one.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172448695728235632007-02-25T19:11:00.000-05:002007-02-25T19:11:00.000-05:00When did I ever mention moral in any post ever in ...When did I ever mention moral in any post ever in a less than derogatory light, anon? <BR/><BR/>This doesn't have a moral, from what I read; it's about a woman who learns a few things. Humor, of course, would also make me happy.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172447701606767272007-02-25T18:55:00.000-05:002007-02-25T18:55:00.000-05:00Anon, I own STORY (and Volger's, and every other b...Anon, I own STORY (and Volger's, and every other book on craft I can think of) but it HAS been awhile since I picked through it. Thanks for reminding me.<BR/><BR/>I got so bogged down for literally two years learning everything I could that I stopped writing. Then I worried that I'd learned too much, and it paralyzed me from doing any writing at all out of fear of not doing it "right". I'm just now coming out of that, two and a half years later, and writing again, but I may be able to peek in at McKee without needing psychiatric help. Thanks!<BR/><BR/>Of course, when I freak, I run to EE anyway. EE, brace yourself, honey, and then be sure to blame it all on anon.Brendahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17083327647412477394noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172443083800335892007-02-25T17:38:00.000-05:002007-02-25T17:38:00.000-05:00Oh my, EE--you mean you revised them not only out ...Oh my, EE--you mean you revised them not only out of the query, but out of the BOOK?<BR/><BR/>Actually, shame on me, no, I didn't read the revision. I have the attention span of a sqrl.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172440099561832322007-02-25T16:48:00.000-05:002007-02-25T16:48:00.000-05:00EE's revision is a dandy. Especially getting rid o...EE's revision is a dandy. Especially getting rid of the children. I can see that they add to the economic necessity aspect of the plot, but in the query they're just a distraction.batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172437648933992362007-02-25T16:07:00.000-05:002007-02-25T16:07:00.000-05:00Didn't you read the revised version? There are no ...Didn't you read the revised version? There <I>are</I> no children.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172436532912203002007-02-25T15:48:00.000-05:002007-02-25T15:48:00.000-05:00So, while all this is going on with the adults, th...So, while all this is going on with the adults, the "demanding" children are doing...what?nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172436070338799082007-02-25T15:41:00.000-05:002007-02-25T15:41:00.000-05:00Brenda -- yeah, that brief premise thing takes a l...Brenda -- yeah, that brief premise thing takes a lot of practice. The books I've seen for novelists don't really deal with it. Try reading STORY by Robert McKee. It's aimed at screenwriters and it's pretty analytical, but it has the most useful discussion of various story structures, character arcs, and structure problems I've ever seen. If it seems tough, rent the movie ADAPTATION, which basically illustrates some of McKee's main points, he plays himself -- the screenwriter's seminar guy.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172434131751739032007-02-25T15:08:00.000-05:002007-02-25T15:08:00.000-05:00Anon: IF you were an agent? You summed that up so ...Anon: IF you were an agent? You summed that up so thoroughly, if you're not an agent, ya should be. I'm trying to learn how to do that: sum up a book in a few lines. I'm not good at it yet, but practice, practice, practice...Brendahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17083327647412477394noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172427992873945462007-02-25T13:26:00.000-05:002007-02-25T13:26:00.000-05:00Story premise as set up in your query: three dysfu...Story premise as set up in your query: three dysfunctional American women share a household in France. In addition to their individual issues, they all lack suitable mates. Then a potential new unsuitable mate [painter who can't stay out of jail] moves in and they all get a crush on him. <BR/><BR/>That's it. The dead husband etc are all backstory. <BR/><BR/>If I was an agent, you would definitely need a lot more plot than that to get out of my slush pile. In the comments here you provide a list of violent scenes wherein you kill off numerous characters. These events do not add up to a gripping story line in which motivated characters unite to achieve some Big Goal, which is what I'd be looking for as an agent. It's more like a series of more or less equally dire troubles that pop up sequentially and must be reacted to. See the difference? You've got kind of a melodrama soap opera structure going here. Giving each character their own gripping story line might be working great in the book but that's hard to do well and I'd want the query to make it more clear that was your plan. <BR/><BR/>You say it's a lighthearted story. The tone of a query always speaks for itself. The tone is what it is. Give us a witty funny query and we'll expect the same in the book. These people sound seriously miserable. Also, I have a low tolerance for bickering dialogue so the expectation that we're going to hear a lot of French-bashing and American-bashing and talk about coffee brands and vegetable peeling is not good.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172424646975703892007-02-25T12:30:00.000-05:002007-02-25T12:30:00.000-05:00My feeling was opposite to writtenwyrdd's: the "mo...My feeling was opposite to writtenwyrdd's: the "moral" of the story doesn't do much for me, although I understand it has to be there for marketability. What I want to read is a frothy story about odd characters in an exotic (to me) setting, with just enough meat on the bones to make me care. <BR/><BR/>Corine Gantz, your later post describes a much more serious book--one that I probably wouldn't enjoy so much. But I love the premise.<BR/><BR/>Also, EE, your fix-up is most edifying. And I do love being edified.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172423898557667392007-02-25T12:18:00.000-05:002007-02-25T12:18:00.000-05:00anon 1:05, are you jealous? *grin*It's really beca...anon 1:05, are you jealous? *grin*<BR/><BR/>It's really because I'm sick (again - pneumonia - again) and online more than normal, so I jump all over the place repeatedly, and I'm able to see new things as they appear.Brendahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17083327647412477394noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172420997653799662007-02-25T11:29:00.000-05:002007-02-25T11:29:00.000-05:00All these comments about starting over in another ...All these comments about starting over in another country and immigration laws have me confused. I was under the impression the MC was already living in Paris with her formerly breathing husband and 3 kids. Am I missing something?<BR/><BR/>I do agree that this query did not sound like it was written by an ESL author, thus breaking the long streak of queries that did.Blogless Trollhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03983848259551488867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172418365370709092007-02-25T10:46:00.000-05:002007-02-25T10:46:00.000-05:00er, speaking as someone who knows, no you cannot j...er, speaking as someone who knows, no you cannot just pack up and move to a foreign country...ANY foreign country. That really bugged me about Under the Tuscan Sun. But, that said, this is fiction and we can pretend, can't we? Besides, most EU countries and the US will allow visitors to stay six months. You can essentially live in a foreign land as a non-immigrant so long as you continue to convince the authorities that you 1) still maintain a residence in your homeland; and 2) you aren't actually making your home in the foreign land. You have no legal standing and they can indeed toss you out on your ear with no recourse. Done it a few times in an immigration officer capacity myself. Banking, business, homes and all are suddenly inaccessible because someone was caught as having established their homes illegally in their chosen new home. But they can stay for six months. I guess you have to draw the line somewhere...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172398401177722792007-02-25T05:13:00.000-05:002007-02-25T05:13:00.000-05:00I had no idea about the ESL, none at all. Very imp...I had no idea about the ESL, none at all. Very impressive.Staciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07969399927758009095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1172383512816298462007-02-25T01:05:00.000-05:002007-02-25T01:05:00.000-05:00OK, Brenda, you are now #1 in comments in four of ...OK, Brenda, you are now #1 in comments in four of the last five posts, and #2 in the other one. I think you need a hobby. Or maybe... are you letting your infatuation with our buddy Evil show a little too much?<BR/><BR/>Lucky guy, that Evil.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com