tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post117061470411092488..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 209Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1170869504793272972007-02-07T12:31:00.000-05:002007-02-07T12:31:00.000-05:00I liked this opening a lot - it's my kind of openi...I liked this opening a lot - it's my kind of opening to a good mystery - and the violin recital line tells a lot about the MC.<BR/><BR/>And ril - the continuation brought tears to my eyes! Whatta hoot!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1170861093888558522007-02-07T10:11:00.000-05:002007-02-07T10:11:00.000-05:00Yay! Somebody else liked the violin line!I was go...Yay! Somebody else liked the violin line!<BR/><BR/>I was going to talk about how the sequence of events in the first paragraph was unclear, but since it's just a writing exercise, never mind.shaded-lilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14006767625596152527noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1170859570267525792007-02-07T09:46:00.000-05:002007-02-07T09:46:00.000-05:00Thanks to all.This was a self imposed writing exer...Thanks to all.<BR/>This was a self imposed writing exercise specifically for EE Openings. The requirements were:<BR/>EXACTLY 150 words as counted by my word processor. Also: a protagonist in a predicament, a gun, a knife, death, the threat of death, body parts, excrement, and humor. Also, a violin.<BR/>Try this at home. It must be 150 words exactly. You can change the other stuff.Inkmandoohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07125968831024865452noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1170858142257207972007-02-07T09:22:00.000-05:002007-02-07T09:22:00.000-05:00I'd read on, but I agree with the others that you ...I'd read on, but I agree with the others that you could probably cut a few sentences and not lose anything.<BR/><BR/>The violin recital line def makes me want to read more, and it makes the character LIKABLE to ME.<BR/><BR/>Weird world, eh...E.S. Teslahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14959500521960082702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1170848393417671732007-02-07T06:39:00.000-05:002007-02-07T06:39:00.000-05:00I agree, that last line about the recital didn't w...I agree, that last line about the recital didn't work. Actually, the whole beginning didn't quite work for me, mostly because it still needs some tweaking to make the action clear to me. I read it twice and was still unsure what was going on. <BR/><BR/>And a side note: If I had a big knife in my gut, I'd assume that moving around would do more damage with it in than the bleeding with it out. We are talking gut wound, which equals Really Really Bad News. <BR/><BR/>I didn't like nor dislike the main character because I couldn't quite get a grip on what he had or hadn't done. Some dead guy was on his legs, he was probably in an elevator. What was he doing shooting at the buttons (or was he)? Etc. <BR/><BR/>Sorry, this isn't the most helpful commentary, but you really need to try and act out what you describe and get it on paper so the reader sees it clearly, too. The imagery I got was a tangle of limbs with the knife-laden guy at the bottom.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1170840677910720662007-02-07T04:31:00.000-05:002007-02-07T04:31:00.000-05:00A little too much explaining. The lines: Best left...A little too much explaining. The lines: <I>Best left to the ER surgeon</I> AND <I>Missed the liver</I> AND <I>The stench brought tears to his eyes</I> all explain the previous sentences (you've SHOWn the actions and then you TELL the reader why it is so). And the first two examples imply that Wiley has decent medical knowledge. If he does, that's okay, but then it emphasizes that he wouldn't really be having this internal monologue. Not in this fashion because those concerns would be matter-of-fact, not thought out.<BR/><BR/>Also, we know the blade is in Wiley's stomach from the first sentence. No need to repeat that it's in his belly later. There is a repetitive feel to this piece. I think you can tighten it up a bit more.<BR/><BR/>If this story is taking place in the US, you'll need to brush up on your ER staffing. ER docs are not surgeons. When a patient needs surgery, they are stabilized in the ER and sent to the OR. I've rarely seen surgeons come down to the ER to perform surgery (and I've worked in ERs for over 10 years). And a blade from the stomach would be removed by a surgeon, not an ER doc.<BR/><BR/>I have no idea why you don't want the reader to sympathize with Wiley (the effect of the last line). But maybe there's good reason.<BR/><BR/>Sounds like you have a good story. Just need to work on it a bit.<BR/><BR/>The story itself has potentialAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1170813287087015372007-02-06T20:54:00.000-05:002007-02-06T20:54:00.000-05:00Popcorn fart. Ha!Yup, I'm with the others. I like ...Popcorn fart. Ha!<BR/><BR/>Yup, I'm with the others. I like the voice. I like the opening situation. I did not like the violin thought.<BR/><BR/>I wouldn't be so worried about being pinned under the body due to the smell (like mentioned - it's an elevator; you're stuck with the smell) as much as what may be oozing through the clothing and onto the character that's creating said smell.Brendahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17083327647412477394noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1170813048239791242007-02-06T20:50:00.000-05:002007-02-06T20:50:00.000-05:00The violin recital threw me, but the rest was fine...The violin recital threw me, but the rest was fine.McKoalahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01457446171624585099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1170811493042623852007-02-06T20:24:00.000-05:002007-02-06T20:24:00.000-05:00I'm with the others on this. I liked the opening b...I'm with the others on this. I liked the opening but the line about the violin recital hit the wrong chord with me. I would expect the next paragraph to explain why Wiley would have such a off key thought at that moment. Other than that, I liked the first paragraph. One other nit-picky thing, getting out from under Tony isn't going to get him away from the stench, it's an elevator. You can't escape a popcorn fart in an elevator, much less whatever left Tony's body.Wonderwoodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13118126631519254865noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1170808978947647022007-02-06T19:42:00.000-05:002007-02-06T19:42:00.000-05:00I'll have to agree with Dave; the line about the r...I'll have to agree with Dave; the line about the recital makes the character wholly unlikeable. <BR/><BR/>Other than that, though, I find the situation intriguing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1170806599688484572007-02-06T19:03:00.000-05:002007-02-06T19:03:00.000-05:00I have no idea about the plausibility of Wiley's t...I have no idea about the plausibility of Wiley's thinking under the circumstances, but I liked this. I'd keep reading.<BR/><BR/>One nitpick--The stench brouth tears to his eyes--but the antecedent to "his" is Tony and I don't think it's Tony who's crying now.Saipan Writerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10030098267460841286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1170806991057900702007-02-06T19:09:00.000-05:002007-02-06T19:09:00.000-05:00The author had me hooked until the last sentence a...The author had me hooked until the last sentence about the violin recital.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.com