tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post116195453936803599..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 149Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1162053158972131662006-10-28T12:32:00.000-04:002006-10-28T12:32:00.000-04:00The writing is nice enough, but I wasn't grabbed b...The writing is nice enough, but I wasn't grabbed by this. As Buffysquirrel notes, the protagonist seems pretty relaxed (albeit artificially) about his/her life, so why should I care about it? <BR/><BR/>There's no tension or conflict. This is just a guy/gal feeling bummed out.<BR/><BR/>I think you've started your story in the wrong place. Find the point where the protagonist realises s/he has a problem to solve and must take action. Start the story there. That conflict will keep the reader interested in reading on.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1162041422362970942006-10-28T09:17:00.000-04:002006-10-28T09:17:00.000-04:00This felt a bit blah to me. Having been shafted i...This felt a bit blah to me. Having been shafted in my time, I would have expected to find more here to identify with.<BR/><BR/>Maybe I should have applied alcohol; it seems to have removed a LOT of the pain.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1162041361839442302006-10-28T09:16:00.000-04:002006-10-28T09:16:00.000-04:00Yep, I had a problem with the first person. I only...Yep, I had a problem with the first person. I only write in 3rd person so it's probably more a personal dislike than anything else. But, I thought that in first person your "thoughts" should be real. I mean, honestly, who thinks like this? Dunno. Didn't thrill me.<BR/><BR/>Loved the continuation.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03662058845481140283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1162010447880505602006-10-28T00:40:00.000-04:002006-10-28T00:40:00.000-04:00Was it present tense? Oh look, there it is. I miss...Was it present tense? Oh look, there it is. I missed that too.<BR/><BR/>I was also a bit confused about what the location was and the connection between that, assignments and someone else getting hired. I'd probably read on, though, to find out.McKoalahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01457446171624585099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1162010465033730392006-10-28T00:41:00.000-04:002006-10-28T00:41:00.000-04:00Sorry, forgot to say, loved the continuation!Sorry, forgot to say, loved the continuation!McKoalahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01457446171624585099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1162010123400157472006-10-28T00:35:00.000-04:002006-10-28T00:35:00.000-04:00Overall I think it was quite good. This bit bother...Overall I think it was quite good. This bit bothered me:<BR/><BR/>I shift on my cushy green couch and take a sip of my liquid tropical paradise<BR/><BR/>cushy green couch - liquid tropical paradise -- the exact same structure twice with only a few words in between them. Get rid of one of those adjectives (I'd recommend cushy, because if you get rid of green it'll read "cushy couch" and the alliteration is just too ridiculous. Also, "liquid tropical paradise" is a great phrase). Actually, I'd get rid of both of the couch adjectives, since I doubt the narrator is thinking about whether the couch is green or not. Then it would read:<BR/><BR/>I shift on my couch and take a sip of my liquid tropical paradise<BR/><BR/>If it's really important that the couch is cushy, work it in later. Or stick it in now, but use a word other than "cushy", which conjures pictures of people's behinds to me anyway. Maybe "squishy", although I still don't like that.<BR/><BR/>Sorry for being so declamatory and stuck-up. It's really late and I haven't slept in 24 hours. This is of course just my personal opinion and I really did like the rest of it. (Except I'd take it out of present tense, which I see you're already doing -- bravo).<BR/><BR/>LOVED the continuation!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1161984860374733262006-10-27T17:34:00.000-04:002006-10-27T17:34:00.000-04:00Thanks, guys. I appreciate your feedback (FYI - d...Thanks, guys. I appreciate your feedback (FYI - due to agent feedback similar to yours, this is being revised from 1st person).<BR/><BR/>I thought the continuation was hilarious...Rhonda Helmshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11855833088957182413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1161982921837756192006-10-27T17:02:00.000-04:002006-10-27T17:02:00.000-04:00I'm confused by the setting and also after the fir...I'm confused by the setting and also after the first sentence I thought there would be something about the rejection but that's not for another 3 paragraphs. I was a little confused what this person was being rejected by and what it had to do with the girl talking to the narrator.<BR/><BR/>Great continuation. I'm sure I'm the one on the end of that letter too; my last one had liquid tropical paradise stains all over it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1161982441961951182006-10-27T16:54:00.000-04:002006-10-27T16:54:00.000-04:00Wow!I usually hate present tense, but I honestly d...Wow!<BR/><BR/>I usually hate present tense, but I honestly didn't notice it here. Very well done, although I probably would have noticed by the end of the first couple of pages and stopped reading, because I really do dislike it.<BR/><BR/>Still, I liked this a lot.Staciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07969399927758009095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1161980366362665972006-10-27T16:19:00.000-04:002006-10-27T16:19:00.000-04:00This is quite good. Nice immediacy.I especially l...This is quite good. Nice immediacy.<BR/><BR/>I especially liked "liquid tropical paradise". Wonderfully descriptive.<BR/><BR/>I didn't care for the use of the present tense, though. It takes me out of the story and makes me think about technical things like past vs present tense.ScienceSleuthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05622630035925170394noreply@blogger.com