tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post115989959859049969..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 135Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1160089130663188242006-10-05T18:58:00.000-04:002006-10-05T18:58:00.000-04:00EDITS:Apart from issues regarding her name, curfew...EDITS:<BR/>Apart from issues regarding her name, curfews, parties and boys, Lorie and her parents got along fine. They didn't understand her determination to become a geologist, but she figured they would grow into it.Paulhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06877408572713743323noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1160064918370424132006-10-05T12:15:00.000-04:002006-10-05T12:15:00.000-04:00This is not storytelling, it's description. Tellin...This is not storytelling, it's description. Telling, not showing. Yawn. Why should I care about Lorie? let's see her actually engaged in some kind of dialogue, doing something. Get the story started. Even the snippet of conversation with her dad is told, not shown.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1160024690256342372006-10-05T01:04:00.000-04:002006-10-05T01:04:00.000-04:00Hi,My name is Stephanie. I finished my novel in J...Hi,<BR/><BR/>My name is Stephanie. I finished my novel in July, and I’m just coming to realize how arduous the road to publication is. I found the Evil Editor blog through a link at a site called <I>Preditors & Editors</I>. They highly recommended Evil Editor. <BR/><BR/>I’ve learned a lot (and never laughed so hard) as I worked my way through the archives of this blog. I was so impressed with Evil Editor’s wit and talent that I was seduced into submitting my query letter for a satirical review. There are six books ahead of me so I have a few days to prepare myself for this. I look forward to critiques and railleries from other posters. <BR/><BR/>I also wanted to post a few comments for <I>New Beginning 135</I>. The flow of information was smooth and interesting enough to hold my attention, though my focus did wander a few times. However, at my age, I find that my focus wanders fairly often for no apparent reason, so accept the criticism with that in mind.<BR/><BR/>I thought the exchange between Lorie and her father helped to shed light on the closeness of their relationship, but I would reword it slightly. I would have Lorie say, “You’re the worst <B>person</B> ever.” This way her father’s response would seem more appropriate.<BR/><BR/><I>”They didn't understand her determination to grow up and be a geologist, but she figured they would grow into that.”</I><BR/><BR/>It’s probably how slowly I read, but for me “<I>to grow up</I>” is too close to “<I>determination</I>”. If the “<I>and</I>” wasn’t there, the sentence would seem strange. Perhaps: “They didn’t understand her determination to be a geologist when she grew up, but Lorie figured they would grow into that.”<BR/><BR/>There were a couple other points that caused me to pause, but nothing so distracting that I wouldn’t like to read more.Steph_Jhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09038561427384607706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1160019329660280142006-10-04T23:35:00.000-04:002006-10-04T23:35:00.000-04:00It seems to me the issue may be more one of Voice ...It seems to me the issue may be more one of Voice than of Info Dump. I like the talky voice--for the moment. It can't continue too long or I'll be tossing the book across the room. <BR/><BR/>But I liked this. Don't change your style, Author, based on our comments... But perhaps ditch grinning words, ;)writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1160007167379172062006-10-04T20:12:00.000-04:002006-10-04T20:12:00.000-04:00Meh. I'd like some story, please. I'd also like to...Meh. I'd like some story, please. <BR/><BR/>I'd also like to be "told" a little less. I didn't visualise a single thing while reading this excerpt except for the red hair. The writer is failing to engage my brain on any level, so I would not keep reading.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1160006885098153662006-10-04T20:08:00.000-04:002006-10-04T20:08:00.000-04:00Yes, sorry. Awfully boring. I have the feeling tha...Yes, sorry. Awfully boring. I have the feeling that this is supposed to be interesting simply because the MC is young. Is it meant to be a breezy, chick-lit/ YA kind of thing? I tend to enjoy that stuff, but it's got to have substance. Or a hook. Or conflict. Or an interesting set of traits that include more interesting quirks. Smooth writing but hollow.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1160002749301061462006-10-04T18:59:00.000-04:002006-10-04T18:59:00.000-04:00She sounds interesting. However, "grinning" is no...She sounds interesting. However, "grinning" is not a valid method of producing speech. I would keep going, but would want something to happen in the next paragraph or so.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1159999372557091442006-10-04T18:02:00.000-04:002006-10-04T18:02:00.000-04:00Didn't like the dad grinning back words. I feel li...Didn't like the dad grinning back words. I feel like something is going to happen in the next paragraph, but if it didn't, I would probably not keep reading.<BR/><BR/>I do like the chatty style, though.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1159997742014274002006-10-04T17:35:00.000-04:002006-10-04T17:35:00.000-04:00There is absolutely, positively nothing happening....There is absolutely, positively nothing happening. Not even a hint of something about to happen. I think it would be better to learn all these facts about the character in the midst of, oh I don't know...a STORY?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1159993825303528782006-10-04T16:30:00.000-04:002006-10-04T16:30:00.000-04:00I'm gonna have to disagree with most everyone here...I'm gonna have to disagree with most everyone here. This is terribly boring. It sounds like a bio for a dating service. "Lorie's turn-ons include Japanese animation, boys with tattoos, and long walks on the beach." I think the continuation captured that beautifully.<BR/><BR/>NEXT!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1159987811754949332006-10-04T14:50:00.000-04:002006-10-04T14:50:00.000-04:00I would give it another page or two to get me. -J...I would give it another page or two to get me. -JTCAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1159986641962342462006-10-04T14:30:00.000-04:002006-10-04T14:30:00.000-04:00Loved the opening - I would read this book!And the...Loved the opening - I would read this book!<BR/><BR/>And the continuation was great!!!Kate Thorntonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16449435177807306686noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1159986572620717912006-10-04T14:29:00.000-04:002006-10-04T14:29:00.000-04:00I was bored at "she got the name from her mother."...I was bored at "she got the name from her mother." It's kinda like saying "she had two legs."<BR/><BR/>Other than that, two things:<BR/><BR/>1. lots of words, very little content<BR/>2. "said bookism"<BR/><BR/>I wouldn't read on.HawkOwlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08506953701159624542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1159986454821887482006-10-04T14:27:00.000-04:002006-10-04T14:27:00.000-04:00Me too, I liked her.Me too, I liked her.Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1159985864572309312006-10-04T14:17:00.000-04:002006-10-04T14:17:00.000-04:00Lorie sounds like a really interesting person. Lo...Lorie sounds like a really interesting person. Lots of protags hate their names, but not many want to be a geologist when they grow up. I'd recomment starting the story with the good part, "Apart from her name . . .Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1159984299884874342006-10-04T13:51:00.000-04:002006-10-04T13:51:00.000-04:00I actually liked the sixth paragraph, but it does ...I actually liked the sixth paragraph, but it does need some tightening up. Overall, this is an interesting beginning, and I was inclined to like the character and follow along to see what she got up to.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1159983587700531222006-10-04T13:39:00.000-04:002006-10-04T13:39:00.000-04:00There's nothing wrong with info dumping per se. I...There's nothing wrong with info dumping per se. It's problematic when it's boring, which it usually is. This is not boring, IMHO*.<BR/><BR/>* In My Holy Opinionbraunhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00387344142594757730noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1159983170056078922006-10-04T13:32:00.000-04:002006-10-04T13:32:00.000-04:00I have to say that this opening quite interests me...I have to say that this opening quite interests me and that I really don't have a nit to pick. We have no plot whatsoever but we have an interesting teenager who I would definitely want to hear more about.<BR/><BR/>OK, in the interest of not being completely gushing, I think her father's comeback is kind of dumb. Of course, dads' comebacks often ARE kind of dumb.braunhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00387344142594757730noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1159982718780601962006-10-04T13:25:00.000-04:002006-10-04T13:25:00.000-04:00Wow, a great long lists of facts about Lorelei. Th...Wow, a great long lists of facts about Lorelei. That's an exciting way to introduce a character.<BR/><BR/>And if she really does say "you're the worst father ever," to all the boys, she's probably going to be a single geologist with thousands of tattoos in the years to come.<BR/><BR/>Having said that, I think you have a nice writing style and I did like the opening paragraph. I think you just need a better way to present the info dump in the fifth and sixth paragraph. Or better yet, lose it altogether and introduce these personality traits more naturally as the story goes on. I want to learn about a character gradually - it's not speed dating.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com