tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post1061634795916387872..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 709Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-91763888910861678002009-12-04T13:53:17.057-05:002009-12-04T13:53:17.057-05:00Adding to Marissa's comment: Foolscap refers t...Adding to Marissa's comment: Foolscap refers to a particular size of paper or book. In the case of paper, it's quite large, 13.5" x 17". It would be very unusual paper to write a letter on, but if the writer is magical, mystical, just plain weird, or writing in crayon, it might make sense.Johnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03317745369702853183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-21616325157885163002009-12-03T20:23:58.353-05:002009-12-03T20:23:58.353-05:00The style is pleasant, and I wanted to like this, ...The style is pleasant, and I wanted to like this, but there were too many details to keep track of and too little to hold on to. I can figure out roughly who von Braun is, but there's no context to tie Lady Hippolyta or Star of the Sea to ('von Braun's student' means he's a teacher, but a 'conversation with Lady Hippolyta' doesn't rule out _anything_) <br />Consider picking one mystery - the dark-haired little girl, for instance - and wrapping the opening around that.batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-43061055131203069852009-12-03T19:20:09.236-05:002009-12-03T19:20:09.236-05:00I have a typo:
There is too much other stuff for...I have a typo: <br /><br /><i>There is too much other stuff for the reader to assimilate <b>W</b>hat isn't doing the job of hooking the reader.</i>Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-4313581640167891932009-12-03T17:32:15.958-05:002009-12-03T17:32:15.958-05:00Umm...it's "foolscap", not "foo...Umm...it's "foolscap", not "foolscrap", unless you're in a Freudian mood. :)<br /><br />This is a little in medias res for my taste--too little to latch onto despite all the information. Or maybe because of all the information.Marissa Doylehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11248406475808085694noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-69147315925514708232009-12-03T13:20:00.778-05:002009-12-03T13:20:00.778-05:00There is too much other stuff for the reader to as...There is too much other stuff for the reader to assimilate that isn't doimg the job of hooking the reader. <br /><br />This is what should be the hook: <br /><i>The other, deeper thing I just kept buried, less for family’s sake than for my own sanity’s. James did know there’d been a tragedy in my past; he did not know the truth nor did he want to.</i><br /><br />If the action in the story takes place in Disney Orlando, then keep about half of it, Maybe. YOU reduce it even farther. You want to get to the admission about the secret somewhat faster. <br /><br />Also, these things are unclear in my mind: <br />I think the narrator is a woman. <br />I think she is graduating from college with an advanced degree in music and is embarking on a solo career.<br />I think that she is married or engaged. <br />I think she has lived with James for many years and is involved in his business with him. <br />I think she lost a little girl in some dread tragedy. <br /><br />Some of those suppositions are contradictory. You need to work on them a little bit.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-65784446201665017942009-12-03T11:12:52.242-05:002009-12-03T11:12:52.242-05:00I struggled with this too - it could be intriguing...I struggled with this too - it could be intriguing but there are all these questions and no answers: why the trip to Florida, who is Hippolyta, why so important to lie, what other deeper thing (we don't even know the first!), who is James, what was the tragedy, what is the Star of the Sea, who's signature, who is Sophia...<br /><br />At this point my interest in the questions begins to dwindle because there are too many to hold in my head and I am beginning to suspect the narrator isn't going to tell me anyway.<br /><br />Regarding the continuation: Nicolette has great taste in character names. :)Sylviahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05925593802209715440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-15255410839321077922009-12-03T11:02:40.461-05:002009-12-03T11:02:40.461-05:00This isn't really leading me through a logical...This isn't really leading me through a logical thought process. Luckily, it's all telling, so you can scrap it anyway. :) Just start with a scene where you're going to/planning to go to/arriving at "Disney World" THIS year.<br /><br />I also strongly challenge the assumption that a world-class cellist shouldn't enjoy something as awesome as Disney World, but maybe your protagonist learns not to be such a snob, so carry on.150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90834621312301463542009-12-03T10:52:09.810-05:002009-12-03T10:52:09.810-05:00I don't find it clear why you're telling p...I don't find it clear why you're telling people you're going to Disney World. Apparently so they won't know the real reason you're going to Florida. But if Disney is for little kids, it seems you'd make up a more mature reason you're going, or tell them the true reason.<br /><br />In any case, there's too much about Disney World here, considering you don't go there anyway. You can cut: I didn’t need to wear mouse ears or ride magic elephants! Walt Disney World was for little kids, for the easily and foolishly pleased, thank you kindly,<br /><br /><br />If this is the actual opening of the story, there's too much stuff thrown in with the expectation that we have familiarity with the story. Lady Hippolyta, Star of the Sea, his signature (whose?). I feel I should know about these things, and thus that this is the opening of a chapter that comes after we've been introduced to them.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17161597591664863102009-12-03T10:49:07.454-05:002009-12-03T10:49:07.454-05:00Mildy confusing, rather interesting.
A minor nit:...Mildy confusing, rather interesting.<br /><br />A minor nit: When you say: "Everyone assumed it was to visit Disney World, maybe with a brief stop to visit my grandparents. To my social friends I played up an enormous interest in Disney World..."<br /><br />THe second Disney World sounds off because of the close repetition. <br />I would change the seond one to "the theme park" or something like that.<br /><br />Also, what are "social friends"? If you mean social acquaintances, say so, or just say friends.<br /><br />Lose the exclamation point.<br /><br />The second para seems more vague than needed--it goes beyond stirring interest and approaches confusion. A tease is great. A wtf feeling, not so much.<br /><br />I do like the voice.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-20949124699309574552009-12-03T09:58:15.162-05:002009-12-03T09:58:15.162-05:00Intriguing - but shorter paragraphs please.Intriguing - but shorter paragraphs please.Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.com