tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post9198529523637987244..comments2024-03-18T13:32:44.865-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 645Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-58841792904618629302009-06-29T17:13:17.723-04:002009-06-29T17:13:17.723-04:00Thanks for the comments!Thanks for the comments!kellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12735451324931199027noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90136815685737417082009-06-02T21:55:57.645-04:002009-06-02T21:55:57.645-04:00This reads like a summary of events. Can you show ...This reads like a summary of events. Can you show us more?Me, Myself and a Rubik'S Cubehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02181594915587473760noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-3695127130305474612009-06-02T18:13:18.408-04:002009-06-02T18:13:18.408-04:00Can you find some way to work all this in without ...Can you find some way to work all this in without using backstory, infodump, As You Know Bob, etc.? Refer to the Turkey City Lexicon.<br /><br />On the other hand, I think I'd rather have this chunk of info here than put in the story ostentiously. Show the doctors being anonymous, etc, and worm in the skills subtly. But do NOT tell the reader she has skills right before she uses them. I don't like, "As the nine thugs came at him, Alex thought how fortunate it was that he knew karate." You could either mention the karate (kind of like you do here) or just have her do it. If she just starts talking in Japanese, the reader will figure it out sooner or later.<br /><br />I'm probably not as offended by the infodump as some of the others; infodump isn't really good, but I'm used to it being used at the beginning of spy novels. It makes the character in question a bit more intriguing. The story sounds like something I'd like; I'd read on.<br /><br />Seduction as a social skill? I guess I'm an awkward little nobody, then. ;)<br /><br />Steve, that's hilarious!_*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-21312938516585143702009-06-02T16:54:10.446-04:002009-06-02T16:54:10.446-04:00It reminds me of the opening to a TV show, like th...It reminds me of the opening to a TV show, like the A-Team, Gilligan's Island, or Dukes of Hazzard, where a narrator gives us a set of insta-characters right before the story starts. Such openings can be iconic. I remember most of the words from all three of those TV openings, but you have to be going for that intentionally. As everyone else has said, unless you have a vision here, move straight to the scene instead.pacatruehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04125048243775811714noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-57353543877073282462009-06-02T15:19:33.802-04:002009-06-02T15:19:33.802-04:00This opening reminds me of an "origin" story where...This opening reminds me of an "origin" story where previous stories have already established the character and his/her abilities and some previous escape from a confining authority. <br /><br />My advice -- Don't Do It. Write the outlines of the story you think is the beginning and then write the next adventure of the two characters Martha and Karl. You will have plenty of story to let the reader find out about Martha's abilities, you don't need the origin story at the very start. Find ways to let the reader discover that history as the story moves forward.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-81448578829009521372009-06-02T14:56:14.545-04:002009-06-02T14:56:14.545-04:00I couldn't shake a feeling that I'd seen this some...I couldn't shake a feeling that I'd seen this somewhere before, only as a query letter or a synopsis, rather than the actual opening of a book. It does <I>look</I> more like tha start of a query. Or the plot summary on the back of the book.<br /><br />Apparently, my unshakeable feeling was completely unfounded, though. (I didn't half find some weird stuff, Googling on "biopid", but that's probably beside the point.)<br /><br />Is it, maybe, the start of a prologue or something? You know, a few paragraphs in italics about Martha and her programming and her awful life, and then the book actually starts on page 2 with Karl coming back to IKG Psinetics to wreak his revenge?Steve Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09836762265698458170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-59498838545454606942009-06-02T13:20:12.305-04:002009-06-02T13:20:12.305-04:00The story idea is neat-o, but it might grab the re...The story idea is neat-o, but it might grab the reader by the throat if the action is shown, not explained. I know it's a cliche', but show, don't tell.jmartinlibraryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11518086626337975099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-11492215016451583542009-06-02T13:15:10.545-04:002009-06-02T13:15:10.545-04:00I see a lot of first lines like this in slush. Yo...I see a lot of first lines like this in slush. You don't have to cram that much information into an opening line; for me it usually works better if you don't.<br /><br />Going into backstory killed this for me. If Martha and Karl are escaping, I'd rather see a scene about that then hear the background to it.<br /><br />Start with a character in a situation.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90950303232482000992009-06-02T12:43:27.207-04:002009-06-02T12:43:27.207-04:00To me, this read more like a summary than an openi...To me, this read more like a summary than an opening to a novel. I agree with those that said it would be better to open by showing the escape. The other information can be revealed as the story continues.Sephinanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38374873589745923832009-06-02T10:31:32.882-04:002009-06-02T10:31:32.882-04:00"pronounced like myopic" must go.
I'd keep readin..."pronounced like myopic" must go.<br /><br />I'd keep reading, but in the back of my head I'm thinking "this better take me in a new direction."<br /><br />Super-spy who doesn't know what they were trained for/who they are working for isn't new. Hopefully you have a new angle that shows up in the first few chapters. <br /><br />Best of luck. It's something I'd read more of.Hepiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15454133938753758390noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-89870118404508831022009-06-02T10:01:38.621-04:002009-06-02T10:01:38.621-04:00I like the idea (I'm all for genetically enhanced ...I like the idea (I'm all for genetically enhanced assassins/spies), but I had a couple problems:<br /><br />* The first sentence is intriguing, but then the scene leaves Karl and talks about Martha. Could you start the scene with Martha (I was also intrigued by the fact that she doesn't know what she's being trained for)? Or talk about her escape with Karl and bring up the background information later?<br /><br />* "their private prison" confused me at first. I thought they owned a private prison and didn't get why she was kidnapping her son from it. Lesson: Don't start with a metaphor, at least not in sci-fi; we'll take you literally.<br /><br />* "pronounced like myopic" needs to go. If you're afraid the reader will pronounce it wrong, find a different spelling or a different word.Adam Heinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-2799803386986182802009-06-02T09:00:15.414-04:002009-06-02T09:00:15.414-04:00This opening would be more exciting for me if it f...This opening would be more exciting for me if it focused exclusively on Martha and Karl's escape.Stacyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03365582623380288038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-49128150339344480712009-06-02T08:50:00.793-04:002009-06-02T08:50:00.793-04:00True story: Until about three months ago I thought...True story: Until about three months ago I thought "biopic" rhymed with "myopic" and had roots in "biopsy". The truth depressed me.<br /><br />I'd be more on board with the story if it started with a scene rather than an explanation. First line's fine; second line killed it.150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-78916460039116937902009-06-02T07:40:31.809-04:002009-06-02T07:40:31.809-04:00It's not clear to me what you mean by She never le...It's not clear to me what you mean by She never left. It's a pretty lame kidnapping that doesn't make it out the front door. If she and Karl did leave, I'd delay the paragraph about the staff names and follow Martha and Karl.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38314610307485262142009-06-02T07:25:10.086-04:002009-06-02T07:25:10.086-04:00Unchosen continuation:
When Martha fled with her...Unchosen continuation:<br /><br /><br />When Martha fled with her son, corporate security recaptured them within hours. It seemed suspiciously easy. Indeed, the escape was nothing more than a ruse, an opportunity for Martha to make a few strategic phone calls. As the directors of IKG Psinetics found out, when they suddenly found themselves hit by a barrage of criminal and civil charges, including false imprisonment, corporate malfeasance, barratry, infliction of emotional distress, and contributing to the delinquency of a minor.<br /><br />As they conferred gloomily, before the first of the trials that would take up the next ten years of their lives, the directors agreed one thing; next time they planned the education of a biopid agent, they were going to leave out the law degree.<br /><br />--SteveEvil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.com