tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post909149630276640227..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 782Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-87395871680136883802010-06-16T17:34:23.760-04:002010-06-16T17:34:23.760-04:00There's a reason I never look anything up on U...There's a reason I never look anything up on Urban Dictionary. <br /><br />I kind of like the title. But I agree the synopsis is way too rambly. And just think, the story would never have happened if the US had decent health care!batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-57420759596211954672010-06-15T00:37:36.067-04:002010-06-15T00:37:36.067-04:00According to Urban Dictionary, "mo" is &...According to Urban Dictionary, "mo" is "<i>short for homo, which is short for homosexual</i>," and "cheese puff" is "<i>to place one's mouth over the butthole and blow a short, powerful blast of air into the anus.</i>"<br /><br />Yup. Inspirational all right.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-72836387906839905602010-06-13T20:27:42.169-04:002010-06-13T20:27:42.169-04:00"Jesus, Mo and cheese puffs!" sounds lik..."Jesus, Mo and cheese puffs!" sounds like something my mom would exclaim after stubbing a toe.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-10478558668607677012010-06-13T00:07:34.456-04:002010-06-13T00:07:34.456-04:00Your books sounds pretty episodic--which can be a ...Your books sounds pretty episodic--which can be a legitimate choice. It also sounds kind of fun. But in the query, you can't go into as much detail. Pare it down and try to find an overarching plot. Do any of the people they run into show up at the end, too? If so, they might be the ones worth mentioning in the query._*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-80685722109345856932010-06-12T14:06:06.893-04:002010-06-12T14:06:06.893-04:00The encounters these two have might well be charmi...The encounters these two have might well be charming and inspirational but I really loathe the claim that fixing a mangled eye is vanity.Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-73453160649570877672010-06-12T07:43:06.581-04:002010-06-12T07:43:06.581-04:00This sounds like a story I might enjoy. And I don...This sounds like a story I might enjoy. And I don't think it needs a 'ticking time bomb'; it's not a thriller, it's a story about people, their brokenness, their goodness, the unexpected connections between them. (The Mitford books didn't have time bombs either...) The lessons-learned part sounds flat in the query but might be excellent in the story, and since I never learned how to write a good query I can't give any advice on how to put depth and nuance into one.Joanna Hoythttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13447960126998692419noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-88338217934184334842010-06-12T03:08:07.432-04:002010-06-12T03:08:07.432-04:00"Mo" and "Flo." I'm not fo..."Mo" and "Flo." I'm not fond of rhyming MC names >_> Distracts.<br /><br />Overall, I'm left with the impression that this is an attempt at writing the great American novel :P Or that it's meant to be literary.<br /><br />I probably think that because the plot seems to be primarily a device for exploration of character.<br /><br />As for the query itself, it's clear there's a lot of fat on the back-end. It almost seemed to ramble.<br /><br />Here's a question: do you know what this story is -really- about, what's really going on here? There seems to be lacking that sense of unified theme. Perhaps it's in your book, but it's not coming across in the query.<br /><br />Lastly, I'll repeat the oft' heard advice that a query is not a synopsis and its goal is to intrigue the agent into requesting pages. This query swings a bit too much into that synopsistic tendency.M. G. E.https://www.blogger.com/profile/08995766358224581297noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-21753430897338007562010-06-11T21:10:34.113-04:002010-06-11T21:10:34.113-04:00I love Joe G's ticking time bomb suggestion.
...I love Joe G's ticking time bomb suggestion.<br /><br />What if they found an old lottery ticket and had to rush across the country to claim the prize before the ticket expires?Redstarsixnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-35888760674765087472010-06-11T19:11:50.499-04:002010-06-11T19:11:50.499-04:00Quirky characters and a road trip is workable and ...Quirky characters and a road trip is workable and fun. It sounds like you have a good handle on your characters and show a growth arc in your MCs. There's also voice in this query.<br /><br />But it doesn't quite work for me. Why? Because aside from High Henry, the characters and events don't feel quirky enough. Even Flo And Mo feel flat. Hopefully this is simply the fault of the query, because that can be easily fixed. Just give us the high points of the quirks and then show us a strong correlation among all the events and the life lessons Mo and Flo learn. Don't do it in a preachy way, but do tie things a bit better so the reader isn't asking where the acceptance in themselves comes from.<br /><br />Two things worry me and both could just be the fault of tackling a query in general. EE's pointed out you're choosing the wrong details to highlight, making the query feel simultaneously plodding and flighty. Which makes me wonder how much rambling there's going to be in a short 52,000 words.<br /><br />I don't particularly love your exact title, but I do like the quirk of it, especially the juxtaposition of Jesus and cheese puffs. It's a title that tells me instantly what general kind of story to expect.Phoenix Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03290349031002504007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-92189503870554973512010-06-11T18:35:13.608-04:002010-06-11T18:35:13.608-04:00Flo, Mo, and Joey? Tweeness alert!
The title woul...Flo, Mo, and Joey? Tweeness alert!<br /><br />The title would be absolutely perfect for #6. Doesn't work for me here. It also way-too-strongly reminded me of that (atheist-themed) webcomic 150 mentions.<br /><br />If the big surprise at the end is that the eccentric elderly person turns out to be an angel, you might not want to signal it with a big flashing sign that says "Hey look, her <i>name</i> is Angel! Get it?" (You also might want to come up with a different big surprise. How often has this been done now?)<br /><br />"...the only limitations she has are the ones she puts on herself." So she mangled her own eye?<br /><br />EE is right: Give us the broad strokes of your outline and the <i>heart</i> of your story. The details are probably fun vignettes in the book, but in outline form in a query, they're boring us to death!Erichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09440250912113010049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-76469340309181745232010-06-11T17:06:45.662-04:002010-06-11T17:06:45.662-04:00This query left me longing for more books about va...This query left me longing for more books about vampires.Stephen Prosapiohttp://www.prosapio.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-49490190849686736042010-06-11T16:34:32.867-04:002010-06-11T16:34:32.867-04:00So the story is about 1) Flo getting over her vani...So the story is about 1) Flo getting over her vanity, and 2) Mo getting over his loss of faith. The second one showed up awfully late in the query.J.M.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11243899014416529945noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-8439289770005443362010-06-11T16:14:15.950-04:002010-06-11T16:14:15.950-04:00EE, you crack me up.
I agree with both Dave F and...EE, you crack me up.<br /><br />I agree with both Dave F and Joe G. I liked the title, however; it's quirky.<br /><br />By the way, Joe G, thanks for putting "Dude, Where's My Car?" in my head for the rest of the day! (and then, and then, and then, and then...)angela robbinshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07114119913653244467noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-89428844639982213942010-06-11T15:53:12.065-04:002010-06-11T15:53:12.065-04:00Jesus and Mo is a comic strip.<a href="http://www.jesusandmo.net/" rel="nofollow">Jesus and Mo is a comic strip.</a>150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-55407379944302129572010-06-11T15:40:06.523-04:002010-06-11T15:40:06.523-04:00Why are Jesus and the cheesy puffs in the title? M...Why are Jesus and the cheesy puffs in the title? Maybe I missed him, but they didn't find Jesus in Albuquerque. The cheesy puffs don't seem to have anything to do with anything. Couldn't you come up with a cleverer snack name than cheesy puffs? South Park already did that joke.<br /><br />Just speak the queen's English. Don't "it's vanity that propels her" me. Just say "Her vanity propels her". There were some other instances but I don't feel like looking. Just be careful with the weird sounding phrases. Think, "Does this sentence convey what I mean to say clearly?"<br /><br />This book doesn't really sound like my thing but I think you probably have a story there if you can tighten things up and make them feel less "And then... and then... and then..."<br /><br />My one big suggestion is that in road trip stories, there's usually some sort of ticking time bomb or sense of fulfillment... a husband and wife desperate to rekindle the magic and get away from the rush of their lives get more than they've bargained for (because there's a volcano! Or the natives are cannibals! They get left behind! etc)... a wacky family has to make it to the baby beauty pageant in time... you put your revelation at the end of what the point of the road trip was, and it was a surprise, but I do wonder if you've made me feel that "Will she make it to the surgeon in CA in time?!" is enough. Honestly, you just include that kind of stuff to reassure the potential reader/buyer that the story moves with a sense of urgency.<br /><br />Also, the husband doesn't seem to have much to do. He comes off flat. I also laughed at the whole "mechanic in Vietnam" thing... what does he do now? Those are the kind of details that bog down your query.Joe Gnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-8687520159745485772010-06-11T13:56:04.634-04:002010-06-11T13:56:04.634-04:00[the most popular truck stop on the Interstate,]
...<i>[the most popular truck stop on the Interstate,] </i><br /><br />There was a truck stop - rest area in Pennsylvania that police described as "close Encounters of the Third Kind" for the variety of antics discovered going on in it, including a naked man handcuffed to a tree. <br /><br />This query is about a road trip story. Treat it as a road trip story. Mo and Flo have a humdrum and sad life until the lottery ticket and a chance to tour the countryside on their way to California. But their journey is far from dull. Make is spicy and exciting. Hey, even Christians want to read silly antics and odd happenings on the road to an epiphany.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.com