tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post8994270248932331805..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 644Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-56534299906994254842009-05-31T16:12:10.084-04:002009-05-31T16:12:10.084-04:00Probably minot point ... when it says "trashing a ...Probably minot point ... when it says "trashing a V8", should that maybe be "thrashing"? Seems to make more sense, but of course I could be wrong.<br /><br />Personal and idiosyncratic reaction: between the maniacal grin, the sparkling eyes, and the mess of hair, I'm actually picturing James, inside my head, as some sort of Muppet. I wonder if this is the effect the author intends? (N.b., if it <I>is</I>, then I will buy the book, in hardcover, as soon as it comes out.)Steve Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09836762265698458170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-20147101724711291252009-05-30T12:18:16.432-04:002009-05-30T12:18:16.432-04:00I have to agree that the pace of the writing and t...I have to agree that the pace of the writing and the pace of the action described dont' match. I liked this (and I loved the continuation) but I'm leery of stories that start with cliches like driving somewhere in a car or waking up. It's done so often that the writing needs to be really good.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-20833490532939648422009-05-29T22:10:31.724-04:002009-05-29T22:10:31.724-04:00The action is fast and happening. The words are sl...The action is fast and happening. The words are slow and reflective.<br /><br />I'd shorten the sentences. Intersperse the thoughts (if you really need them) with action. Cut any unncessary words, moreso than usuaul. Also look at choice of verbs "gripped" is more urgent than "held onto".<br /><br />Something like:<br /><br /><I>The car skimmed the edge of the mountain road. Ashley gripped the seat as if her life depended on it. With James driving, it probably did. He'd failed his driving test five times. <br /><br />James yanked the wheel in the opposite direction. Her grip tightened, her knuckles turning white. Why did she agree to get in a car with him? Especially this car.</I>A bit fragmentary, but it's just an example.Xenithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15550985137843901009noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-59260850933016293832009-05-29T20:14:56.602-04:002009-05-29T20:14:56.602-04:00I was working on a KKK continuation, but couldn't ...I was working on a KKK continuation, but couldn't get one to work. <br /><br />I'm with Rachel. I think it's a Canadian using those metric thingies.<br /><br />I like a story that starts with some conflict right off the bat. I want to keep reading and find out what happens next. I think this is a good start. <br /><br />If only it had some elves! I'd really be hooked.Hepiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15454133938753758390noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-62775231447240762062009-05-29T19:47:20.913-04:002009-05-29T19:47:20.913-04:00I think:
James talked her around[,] of course.
You...I think:<br />James talked her around[,] of course.<br />You could probably just delete the first paragraph; the second says it all just as well. And Ashley's holding on to the seat 3 different times; one would probably do.<br />K's on the car... you're using the metric system? Canada's my guess.<br />Ah, so much easier to edit when the writing's not your own....<br />Glad you're back, Evil!<br />Is it too un-PC to snicker at the runner-up continuations?_*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-70382187960403265382009-05-29T19:30:01.499-04:002009-05-29T19:30:01.499-04:00Surely if the car skims across the edge of the roa...Surely if the car skims across the edge of the road, it will go off the road. Perhaps that should be "along the edge"?<br /><br />Also don't like the as-you-know Bob dialogue. But then I never do.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-59549767611036427392009-05-29T19:03:22.376-04:002009-05-29T19:03:22.376-04:00Great continuation!
I like this. Would like to se...Great continuation!<br /><br />I like this. Would like to see something happen soon though. Or maybe a little more grounding, but it's keeping my interest and pulling me along. Never heard the expression k's on a car, personally. Only thing that tripped me up, but not badly.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-67708523357010357792009-05-29T19:03:03.648-04:002009-05-29T19:03:03.648-04:00A couple commas should be something else, period/s...A couple commas should be something else, period/semicolon/colon/dash--anything but commas. One period should be a question mark.<br /><br />Ashley held on to the seat/Ashley's hands squeezed the black leather/Ashley gripped harder<br /><br />No need to keep using the same picture to show she's afraid.<br /><br />If she's in trouble if something happens to the car, one assumes she gave James the keys. Getting in a car with James is idiotic enough; that she would give him the keys to her car, or someone else's car is hard to buy.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-75725316062310458052009-05-29T18:51:26.425-04:002009-05-29T18:51:26.425-04:00Unchosen cointinuations:
"There's one more angel...Unchosen cointinuations:<br /><br /><br />"There's one more angel in Heaven<br />There's one more star in the sky<br />Ja-ames, I'll never forget you<br />It's tough, but I'm sure gonna try."<br /><br />"That was Ashley Phillips singing as one of the brothers. This remarkable singer actually got her start after a tragic car accident...."<br /><br />--*Rachel*<br /><br /><br />The teacher flipped on the lights. "So what did we learn from this, class?"<br /><br />The freshmen slumped in their seats, bored out of their skulls. "Be careful who you get in the car with?" one asked, just to get it over with.<br /><br />"Exactly right. As you saw in the video, Ashley remained a paraplegic for the rest of her life--a lot like Anny, who drove drunk, but not much like Sam, whose liver gave out because he smoked.<br /><br />"But as you know, class, there are other decisions we can make that will hurt us in the end. Our next video is a real treat. Unfortunately, it's not in English, so I got the version with subtitles."<br /><br />Off went the lights and on went the video. It was blurry, so half the class went back to sleep immediately; the other half watched the gun-toting men through half-lidded eyes.<br /><br />"...we will tear your hearts out with explosives..."<br /><br />The class began waking up. "You got an Al-Qaida training video?! No way!"<br /><br />The teacher smirked. "Way."<br /><br />--anon.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.com