tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post8949581648390455808..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1030Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-24833305726712529282012-05-26T13:54:52.878-04:002012-05-26T13:54:52.878-04:00The cocktail-sipping line is one of my favorites, ...The cocktail-sipping line is one of my favorites, which probably indicates that it has to go. <br /><br />I'll give your suggestions some thought and see what I come up with.<br /><br />Thanks so much EE. You've been wonderful!Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-54598785676849703692012-05-26T09:08:13.873-04:002012-05-26T09:08:13.873-04:00This is just like the previous version except with...This is just like the previous version except with the change we already knew about. If you want me to nitpick, I don't see the need for the sentence that mentions tattoos, cocktails and burlesque. Those features aren't exclusive to the tiki culture. You'll find that stuff in hundreds of "cultures." <br /><br />"Anyone with a motive" and "possible suspects" are the same thing, so you need only one of those sentences to lead into the suspect list. <br /><br />The suspect list doesn't have to include every suspect. Nor does it have to include the killer. I'd go with four at the most, possibly just the three most colorful sounding.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-42474365328287783392012-05-26T03:24:30.176-04:002012-05-26T03:24:30.176-04:00I don't know if anyone's still interested ...I don't know if anyone's still interested but here's the newest version.<br /><br />I am seeking representation for HEADLESS AT THE HOUSE OF TIKI, an 86,000 word whodunit mystery novel.<br /><br />Total surfer chick Cat O'Donnell investigates insurance fraud, not murder. That's until Robert "Tiki Bob" MacMillan becomes the chief suspect after his ex-girlfriend is discovered - minus her head - under a massive pile of sawdust in his backyard. When his teenage daughter pleads for Cat's help on her father's behalf, Cat can't resist. After all, Bob's not just a friend, but a damned good guy. Go ahead. Ask anyone in Pacific Groves.<br /><br />The police detective assigned to the case is new in town. It seems the second he opens his notebook, the locals clam up. Cat's a known quantity to whom they're willing to talk, so the detective reluctantly accepts her assistance.<br /><br />Now Cat's on the prowl for anyone who has a motive for the murder. She delves into Tiki Bob's world where she encounters the tattooed, cocktail-sipping, burlesque-loving crowd of her Southern California beach town.<br /><br />There's certainly no shortage of possible suspects. From the Tiki Queen contestant who was upset that her twice-crowned best friend was re-entering the pageant, to the textbook writer who was rumored to be carrying on an affair with the now headless girl. Not to mention the writer's drunken ex-athlete wife who believes the gossip, the victim's sommelier boyfriend who's strangely denying any romantic relationship despite evidence to the contrary, and the perpetually stoned surfer dude who was fed up with the woman's practical jokes and tattle-telling.<br /><br />Then there's Bob himself, who doesn't seem to understand his own precarious position. Although he claims he's never stopped loving his ex, he clearly just wants to be left alone to carve some bitchin' tikis.<br /><br />What's a girl gotta do to keep a good man out of prison?<br /><br />The full novel, or a partial, is available upon request.<br /><br />Thank you for your time and consideration,Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-24612554524460390862012-05-25T17:12:37.268-04:002012-05-25T17:12:37.268-04:00First two paragraphs now read:
Total surfer chick...First two paragraphs now read:<br /><br />Total surfer chick Cat O'Donnell investigates insurance fraud, not murder. But when Robert "Tiki Bob" MacMillan becomes the chief suspect after his ex-girlfriend is discovered under a massive pile of sawdust in his backyard - minus her head - Bob's daughter pleads for Cat's help on her father's behalf. She can't resist. After all, Bob's not just a friend, he's a good guy. Go ahead. Ask anyone in Pacific Groves.<br /><br />The police detective assigned to the case in new in town; the second he opens his notebood, the locals clam up. Cat's a known quantity to whom they're willing to talk, so the detective reluctantly accepts her help.<br /><br />Now Cat's on the prowl . . .Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-21100639032117602962012-05-25T17:03:06.393-04:002012-05-25T17:03:06.393-04:00Awesome! Thanks!
Down to 39 words -
The police d...Awesome! Thanks!<br /><br />Down to 39 words -<br /><br />The police detective assigned to the case is new in town, and the second he opens his notebook, the locals clam up. Cat's a known quantity to whom they're willing to talk, so the detective reluctantly accepts her help.<br /><br />Now Cat's on the prowl . . . blah, blah, blah.Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-51465749145575398812012-05-25T16:40:06.298-04:002012-05-25T16:40:06.298-04:00You don't need to be in Cat' S POV in the ...You don't need to be in Cat' S POV in the query; you just need to focus our attention on Cat. This paragraph explains how Cat's partnership with the police comes about, so it's not problematic.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-89974837820754577682012-05-25T15:50:34.359-04:002012-05-25T15:50:34.359-04:00Thanks EE. Would that give me the POV problem that...Thanks EE. Would that give me the POV problem that AlaskaRavenclaw had with switching from Cat to the detective?Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-22833623746012504012012-05-25T15:05:21.722-04:002012-05-25T15:05:21.722-04:00You could end the last sentence after "help.&...You could end the last sentence after "help." The rest is implied by "reluctantly."<br /><br />You could start the paragraph: The Police detective assigned to the case is new...<br /><br />Then Connect the last two sentences with "so." That way you don't have both she teams with him and he agrees to work with her.<br /><br />Now we're under 40 words.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-24863159446965238822012-05-25T14:50:17.912-04:002012-05-25T14:50:17.912-04:00Does the 2nd paragraph sound better like this? It&...Does the 2nd paragraph sound better like this? It's 48 words as opposed to 68 in the original.<br /><br />She teams up with the police detective assigned to the case. He's new in town, and the second he opens his notebook, everyone clams up. Cat's a known quantity to whom they're willing to talk. The detective reluctantly accepts her help, but he's seriously not happy about it.Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-16127333484176204882012-05-25T09:03:59.293-04:002012-05-25T09:03:59.293-04:00"The police detective assigned.... But he'..."The police detective assigned.... But he's seriously not happy about it."<br /><br />There seems to be quite a bit of redundancy in this paragraph. <br /><br />"The police detective...isn't thrilled," "the detective reluctantly accepts," "he's seriously not happy" - you told us three different ways that he doesn't like it. <br /><br />To be clear, I enjoyed the flow and voice of this paragraph. I just think it might get "flagged" as repetitious.<br /><br />Perhaps something like, "The police detective assigned to the case is having problems of his own. Being new in town, the locals haven't exactly warmed up to him. In fact, the second he takes out his notebook, everyone clams up. Since Cat's a known quantity (meaning they'll actually talk to her), the detective accepts her help. But he's seriously not happy about it."<br /><br />The only other suggestion I might offer is in "...with the now headless girl. Not to mention the writer's..." Perhaps change the "." to a "-"?<br /><br />"...with the now headless girl - not to mention the writer's..."<br /><br />Of course, this is all just MHO.<br /><br />Sounds like a fun read - thanks for sharing! :-)A. M. Perkinshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08680290781463023921noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-37283245966906297012012-05-25T08:41:08.185-04:002012-05-25T08:41:08.185-04:00Yeah, this is better, but you're still switchi...Yeah, this is better, but you're still switching POVs. This time you've thrown in the police detective. Stick to Cat.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-31281481231005592012012-05-24T20:06:42.500-04:002012-05-24T20:06:42.500-04:00Thanks, TK. The two parts you mentioned were the o...Thanks, TK. The two parts you mentioned were the ones I struggled with most. I think you're right about dropping the mention of the daughter - the sentence gets way too long and hard to follow.Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-20072134642857334842012-05-24T17:05:42.330-04:002012-05-24T17:05:42.330-04:00Yes, it sounds good!
You might look for ways to ...Yes, it sounds good! <br /><br />You might look for ways to shorten that police detective explanation - it seems a lot of info for a character that doesn't get named. And the teenage daughter is making her sentence hard to parse - she could come out. But the flow is nice, there are more specifics, the end is punchier and you kept all your voice. Luck!<br /><br /><br /><br />...- minus her head - Cat can't resist helping out. After all...<br /><br />...he's new in town and the second he takes out his notebook, everyone clams up...<br /><br />...On the prowl for anyone who has a motive for the murder, she/Cat delves into Tiki Bob's tattooed, cocktail-sipping, burlesque-loving Southern California beach world....Tknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38537081345245078972012-05-24T14:02:15.814-04:002012-05-24T14:02:15.814-04:00Author here.
Thanks for everyone's help. You ...Author here.<br /><br />Thanks for everyone's help. You all had some valid points. Here's a new version of the query. Please let me know if it's better.<br /><br />I am seeking representation for HEADLESS AT THE HOUSE OF TIKI, an 86,000 word whodunit mystery novel.<br /><br />Total surfer chick Cat O'Donnell investigates insurance fraud, not murder. But when Robert "Tiki Bob" MacMillan becomes a chief suspect after his ex-girlfriend is discovered under a massive pile of sawdust in his backyard - minus her head - and his teen-age daughter pleads for Cat's help on her father's behalf, she can't resist. After all, Bob's not just a friend, but a damned good guy. Go ahead. Just ask anyone in Pacific Groves.<br /><br />The police detective assigned to the case isn't thrilled to have an amateur meddling in his investigation, but he's new in town and the locals haven't exactly warmed up to him. In fact, the second he takes out his notebook, everyone clams up. Cat's a known quantity to whom they're willing to talk, and the detective reluctantly accepts her help. But he's seriously not happy about it.<br /><br />So Cat goes on the prowl for anyone who has a motive for the murder. She delves into Tiki Bob's world where she encounters the tattooed, cocktail-sipping, burlesque-loving crowd of her Southern California beach town.<br /><br />There's certainly no shortage of possible suspects. From the Tiki Queen contestant who was upset that her twice-crowned best friend was re-entering the competition, to the textbook writer who was rumored to be carrying on an affair with the now headless girl. Not to mention the writer's drunken wife who believes the gossip, the victim's sommelier boyfriend who's strangely denying any romantic relationship with the poor girl, and the perpetually stoned surfer dude who was fed up with the young woman's practical jokes and tattle-telling.<br /><br />Then there's Bob himself, who doesn't seem to understand his own precarious position. Although he claims he's never stopped loving his ex, he clearly just wants to be left alone to carve some bitchin' tikis.<br /><br />What's a girl gotta do to keep a good man out of prison?<br /><br />The full novel, or a partial, is available upon request.<br /><br />Thank you for your time and consideration,Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52400716157799707432012-05-23T17:33:08.363-04:002012-05-23T17:33:08.363-04:00I'm with arhooley.
This query seemed unneces...I'm with arhooley. <br /><br />This query seemed unnecessarily wordy to me, and the opening led me to believe Bob was the main character.<br /><br />Another example of how you could cut--<br /><br />Before: The body of his ex-girlfriend has turned up under a massive pile of sawdust in his locked backyard, and the local police have given him a new nickname - Prime Suspect Number One<br /><br />After: His ex-girlfriend's body turns up in his backyard, and the local police consider him the prime suspect.<br /><br />(Or Suspect One. Prime Suspect Number One is symptomatic of a need for verbal Immodium.)<br /><br />Also, was I the only one who had to wiki tiki? I had no idea what a tiki was.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-63569427617250918052012-05-23T16:50:28.645-04:002012-05-23T16:50:28.645-04:00I like it a lot. Love the title.
I definitely agr...I like it a lot. Love the title.<br /><br />I definitely agree that you should open with Cat. One way to do it:<br /><br /><i>Cat O'Donnell, total surfer chick and possessor of a third degree black belt in kung-fu, investigates insurance fraud, not murder. But that's before a body turns up in the backyard of local fixture Robert "Tiki Bob" MacMillan. When Bob's teen-age daughter pleads for Cat's help, Cat can't resist the chance to delve into the tattoo-sporting, cocktail-sipping, burlesque-loving tiki culture of her Southern California beach town. </i>sarahhawthornenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-75334448215475364582012-05-23T15:36:00.951-04:002012-05-23T15:36:00.951-04:00Voice and sense of fun - well done, author here.
...Voice and sense of fun - well done, author here.<br /><br />I'm glad the opening on Bob didn't bother EE. It threw me to then discover someone else was the main character, but I am not an agent.<br /><br />Another tightening example:<br /><br />Bob MacMillan - dubbed Tiki Bob by his friends, clients, and admirers - has a problem. The body of his ex-girlfriend has turned up under a massive pile of sawdust in his locked backyard, and the local police have given him a new nickname - Prime Suspect Number One.<br />--><br />Tiki Bob has a problem. The headless body of his ex has turned up under a massive pile of sawdust in his backyard, and the police have given him a new nickname - Suspect Number One.Tknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-88977563690362595832012-05-23T13:43:43.058-04:002012-05-23T13:43:43.058-04:00a one and done project?
did you mean done and don...a one and done project?<br /><br />did you mean done and done?<br /><br />:)nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-82957295001737904742012-05-23T13:33:21.717-04:002012-05-23T13:33:21.717-04:00Author, you can tighten it up with edits like this...Author, you can tighten it up with edits like this:<br /><br />BEFORE: When Bob's teen-age daughter pleads for Cat's help in protecting her father from what the girl believes may be a lengthy prison sentence unless the real killer is unmasked, Cat can't resist the plea.<br /><br />AFTER: When Bob's teen-age daughter pleads for Cat's help on her father's behalf, Cat can't resist.journeytogaohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12708633194344557042noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-77982338975788266372012-05-23T12:52:36.321-04:002012-05-23T12:52:36.321-04:00Subplots galore. Maybe you weren't so much in...Subplots galore. Maybe you weren't so much interested in the murder mystery as you were in everybody's love life. That might work, but why end the query with a sentence that seems to indicate the investigator's interest in the murder is eventually eclipsed by sexy distractions? It sounds like maybe your mystery kinda fizzles out. Clarity on the relative importance of various plots becomes very difficult when you've got numerous subplots to manage. Not sure your narrative focus didn't get a bit lost. Focusing on the main plot in the query might help. No need to mention every character and distraction in the book.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-37917896535750388722012-05-23T12:51:01.669-04:002012-05-23T12:51:01.669-04:00Author here.
Wow, EE! This was fabulous help! I&...Author here. <br /><br />Wow, EE! This was fabulous help! I'm re-writing right away. I hope some minions can also give me some feedback.<br /><br />I love this site!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-14921092802981496292012-05-23T12:13:16.082-04:002012-05-23T12:13:16.082-04:00The teenage daughter did it.
I'd read pages, ...The teenage daughter did it.<br /><br />I'd read pages, even before you apply EE's edits: it has flair, which is all that really separates one whodunnit from another. Don't kill the voice in the rewrite.150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-13939305655503797972012-05-23T12:02:20.816-04:002012-05-23T12:02:20.816-04:00Haha, I'd read this! The fact that it's se...Haha, I'd read this! The fact that it's set in SoCal just adds to the appeal; I've lived there, and it's a crazy place.<br /><br />I can't help wondering how the police will react to an insurance investigator playing detective, or why this girl thinks it's a good idea to chase a *murderer*, but those little nits, for me, are part of amateur sleuth mysteries...Rachel6https://www.blogger.com/profile/15138745237488029817noreply@blogger.com