tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post8933516134959655122..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 330Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-51463217965229409252007-07-09T15:14:00.000-04:002007-07-09T15:14:00.000-04:00So this Gem City is basically the embodiment of th...So this Gem City is basically the embodiment of the collective unconscious, and that's why there's such a mishmash of weird people running around? If so, I'm not sure you need to explain any more than that in the query. Focus on the story instead of the back story.Bonniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07895569211498067204noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-81959345671723475802007-05-08T11:09:00.000-04:002007-05-08T11:09:00.000-04:00Kill most of the first paragraph. Being "excited" ...Kill most of the first paragraph. Being "excited" makes you sound less than professional. <BR/><BR/>It reads a bit like<I> The Neverending Story </I>, a kid from the world the created this fantasy one by dreaming it must now save it. <BR/><BR/>Focus on the current quest/ problem not the Companions's back history. I think the query would be stronger without them.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12237518808756712176noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-79327575081699706682007-05-05T10:26:00.000-04:002007-05-05T10:26:00.000-04:00The "half dragon" concept brings on rapid rejectio...The "half dragon" concept brings on rapid rejection not so much through "disgust" as because we get no description of it and no reason to be excited to read about any "half dragon", never mind this one. It just comes off as a shallow gimmick. We don't even know what the undragon half is. Human? Toad? Pixie? Bat? Who cares? So what? <BR/><BR/>At age 10, I was agog for anything dragon, but now it's a tough sell. Especially if it acts like an ordinary dog in a dragon suit or, Zeus forbid -- speaks English and acts like a guy in a dragon suit. I'd rather you just ditch the dragon suit. They're so cumbersome.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52996536925515942922007-05-05T01:12:00.000-04:002007-05-05T01:12:00.000-04:00The problem I had with this is so many names and u...The problem I had with this is so many names and unfamiliar concepts were thrown at me at once that my eyes glazed over. Though I like fantasy novels, I have a hard time with the ones that give me no anchor to something I understand.<BR/><BR/>Dave mentioned <I>American Gods</I>. I see the similarities too, but <I>American Gods</I> had the advantage of opening with normal characters in an ordinary modern-day setting (a prison). So when Gaiman started introducing the fantastical elements, I was firmly anchored and ready to absorb them.<BR/><BR/>The world in this query seems to be one of those in which absolutely everything is different, but I still need something I can relate to. A character in a situation I can sympathize with, perhaps. Lots of characters were thrown at me in this query, and I never had an opportunity to connect with any of them.<BR/><BR/>I do think the idea of a world populated by people's dreams is pretty cool.AmyBhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02636921840451091870noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-71521853795196619332007-05-04T22:54:00.000-04:002007-05-04T22:54:00.000-04:00Here is the problem. You included pretty much all...Here is the problem. You included pretty much all the usual genre devices but nothing exceptional. Nothing that I haven't seen before. No surprises. No great jokes or suspense or sparkling prose. <BR/><BR/>In the future you might try mentioning only the plot and character points which are both exciting and unique to your story. Plus iron out the sentences so people aren't stuck puzzling over who Falco is etc.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-58932641196031953562007-05-04T20:22:00.000-04:002007-05-04T20:22:00.000-04:00This makes me think comics, particularly DC. I thi...This makes me think comics, particularly DC. I think it's the city name (Star City, Opal City...). Then there's the team of Companions fighting great evils. And Companions passing the mantle to the next generation. <BR/><BR/>(Dhewco, I always have to go to the Dashboard to log in, it nevers works if I try to log in on the comments page. Silly.)Xenithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15550985137843901009noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-23810429754203416222007-05-04T16:18:00.000-04:002007-05-04T16:18:00.000-04:00Before you get too disgusted with the 'half-dragon...Before you get too disgusted with the 'half-dragon' concept, people need to understand that in fantasy some dragons morph into human form. (Raymond Feist's books set in Midkemia are a case in point)<BR/><BR/>PS. Ever since the Google/Blogger union, I haven't been able to sign on, despite having the right dang passwords...ticking me off.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12195944230685806461noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-26136508181388997982007-05-04T13:53:00.000-04:002007-05-04T13:53:00.000-04:00First off, I love this concept:The city awakes to ...First off, I love this concept:<BR/><BR/><I>The city awakes to the light of a rising moon that fills the sky and sleeps during the terrifying hours of All Dark.</I><BR/><BR/>Sort of Dark-City-ish. Places without sunlight are nifty.<BR/><BR/>After that, you degenerate into blah, cliche, vagueness, etc. In your last hook paragraph, we start to get a glimpse of what's going on here -- and it could definitely be interesting. They're our dream world, etc. But by then, there was too much blah for me to really care.<BR/><BR/>I agree with all who said "ditch the names". Especially "Falco". What is this, Starfox? It's hard to have a name that's one character away from a common word (like an animal) and not sound a bit cheesy. "In the land of Nectarin, our heroes Squirre, Dolphi, and Elephan set out on an epic quest..."Reihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17005292189176596201noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-41645276120104644302007-05-04T13:30:00.000-04:002007-05-04T13:30:00.000-04:00Believe me, after six fruitless months of queries,...Believe me, after six fruitless months of queries, the excitement wears off. :)<BR/><BR/>Word ver: kuess. No, go on, kuess!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-16729667682323165902007-05-04T13:08:00.000-04:002007-05-04T13:08:00.000-04:00If you are using gods, demigods, and other archety...If you are using gods, demigods, and other archetypes from literature and mythology then you have to stick to those archetypes. You just can't invent a new "archtype" to solve the problem. I think your letter has a flaw there. <BR/><BR/>Also, defeating the villian is described as complex and nearly impossible. I am guessing that (in plain English) you mean that pure physical force isn't going to work and that the heroes must do something nifty and smart to trap the villian and re-imprison him. <BR/><BR/>This reminded me of Niell Gaimen's <I>American Gods</I>.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-32337062345350721462007-05-04T12:55:00.000-04:002007-05-04T12:55:00.000-04:00It's way too early in the morning (where I am anyw...It's way too early in the morning (where I am anyway) to try to imagine the coupling involved to create a "half-dragon child." Egads.<BR/><BR/>Does Trivera get defeated in the end, or is this the first in a series of live-action Saturday morning shows like Power Rangers? The culmination of all these trials is that the kids learn about their past, and they find that that's important to facing the future perils of the city. Not a real compelling conclusion, unless this is literary fiction, which clearly it's not.<BR/><BR/>What, exactly, does a Shadow Elemental need to train for? Is this like a readin', ritin', and rithmetic school or more like Rica's sword school where heavenly beings often appear to crown royalty? Or is it supposed to be like Hogwart's in some ways, only full of random mythical/magical creatures? And is there a whole <I>class</I> full of Shadow Elementals taught by an elderly Shadow Elemental, or does the teacher have to be really well schooled in diversity and have to teach all kinds of elementals, half-dragons, demigods, etc.?<BR/><BR/>Why is the city called The Gem City (is that its name or nickname)? Why is the novel called The Gem City? The story is about Matty and her friends, not about the city, right?<BR/><BR/>Are there lots of cities in this world, and do they each have their own university? Do Shadow Elementals go on university trips with their parents? Does the university have a football team and offer scholarships? Are there college entrance exams?<BR/><BR/>And exactly how does one have an "eventful evening" doing research in what sounds like a school library? (OK, I know some people who had <I>extremely</I> eventful evenings in the library in college, but I doubt that's what you mean.)<BR/><BR/>Sorry, I think I've gotten sidetracked.<BR/><BR/>Do what EE says. Start over with GTP #3 and put in only the necessary stuff.PJDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05028687955957107957noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-73232898440070452102007-05-04T12:51:00.000-04:002007-05-04T12:51:00.000-04:00Thanks Buffy. I've reworked my comments with this ...Thanks Buffy. I've reworked my comments with this new understanding.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-80125438793745057362007-05-04T12:47:00.000-04:002007-05-04T12:47:00.000-04:00Gem City, a metropolis populated by the descendent...<I>Gem City, a metropolis populated by the descendents of archetypes and fictitious personalities from Earth's literature and mythology.</I><BR/><BR/>This is a very original way to be unoriginal. At the very least, I would drop "archetypes" because it sounds like an excuse to be derivative. Personally, I couldn't identify the fictitious ancestors of your characters, but I haven't consumed <I>all</I> of Earth's literature and mythology either. Unless you tie these "descendants" to recognizable fictitious personalities (which you don't in the query), I would drop this all together.<BR/><BR/>Also, what does the Dreamwonderer wonder about? And how does he/she help vanquish Trifecta? Does he bore him to death with metaphysical introspection?Blogless Trollhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03983848259551488867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-6388855226669389512007-05-04T12:40:00.000-04:002007-05-04T12:40:00.000-04:00So, these decendants of legends have to come to th...So, these decendants of legends have to come to the real world and do research(or find Terry Pratchett) to figure out which legendary figure they are descended from so they know which magical power they can use to defeat the deranged demi-god?<BR/>Holy Golden Bough, Batman!<BR/>There's a neat story in there somewhere.Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-29694717704596850242007-05-04T12:06:00.000-04:002007-05-04T12:06:00.000-04:00Loved GTP #1 -- I thought of Oz immediately when I...Loved GTP #1 -- I thought of Oz immediately when I saw the title too.<BR/><BR/>The names in the plot really bothered me, by the time I got to FALCO I found my mind had shut down to protect it from endless repeating Rock Me Amadeus.<BR/><BR/>It's not really my genre so probably my fault. Sorry :(Sylviahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05925593802209715440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-16295907920778996282007-05-04T11:51:00.000-04:002007-05-04T11:51:00.000-04:00I'm guessing Falco isn't the name of the moon godd...I'm guessing Falco isn't the name of the moon goddess. I know it looks like it should be....nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.com