tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post8648683658381353156..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 430Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-10811048805962732892007-10-05T04:26:00.000-04:002007-10-05T04:26:00.000-04:00Obivously not a lot of Andre Norton fans. Anyone e...Obivously not a lot of Andre Norton fans. Anyone ever heard of the Witch World, Beastmaster, The Time Traders, etc? NONE of those are Young Adult and I would say those are some of her most famous works. So, I'm not sure which works anon 5:22 is thinking of...<BR/><BR/>Author, I love Andre Norton and anything that's reminiscent of her stuff sound good to me. <BR/><BR/>~MothAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38044662370564536632007-10-03T19:33:00.000-04:002007-10-03T19:33:00.000-04:00Author, if you insist on keeping your reference to...Author, if you insist on keeping your reference to Andre Norton (I suggest losing it, but that's just me), please move it to the beginning or end. Putting it right after the first paragraph totally destroys the flow you've built with those first few sentences. Maybe make it the first paragraph or the second to the last.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-71836857123604417252007-10-03T05:22:00.000-04:002007-10-03T05:22:00.000-04:00I liked the second query, particularly after EE cu...I liked the second query, particularly after EE cut out the paragraph I felt was unnecessary. <BR/><BR/>I really feel the reference to Andre Norton can go. She is known for her young adult novels, so I immediately assumed that's what you were writing (even though you said it wasn't).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-79879251477928935942007-10-03T05:10:00.000-04:002007-10-03T05:10:00.000-04:00So the men are tough and well trained and the wome...So the men are tough and well trained and the women are beautiful and flighty. It's the seventies!nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-25926341988453398962007-10-03T04:20:00.000-04:002007-10-03T04:20:00.000-04:00AUTHOR HERE: Ok, here's the latest, somewhat minor...AUTHOR HERE: <BR/><BR/>Ok, here's the latest, somewhat minor tweak, building off EE's base. <BR/><BR/>Dear Benevolent Editor,<BR/><BR/>On its maiden voyage, The Nebula Dream, the most luxurious spaceliner ever built, is involved in a wreck of Titanic proportions. With insufficient escape pods, the survivors are doomed, unless one passenger- disgraced black-ops mission commander Nick Jameson- can get them out before the ship explodes, and before enemy aliens capture them as slaves- or worse. <BR/><BR/>Reminiscent of the works of Andre Norton, “The Wreck of the Nebula Dream” is an adult SF novel, of 100,000 words in length.<BR/><BR/>Once Nick realizes that the ship isn’t going anywhere this lifetime, he teams up with Khevan, one of an order of mystics who are usually hired as bodyguards or assassins. The two are moments from boarding an escape pod when a woman named Mara comes running down the corridor begging for help. Two young children are trapped in their crumbling cabin alone. Nick and Khevan follow Mara, but by the time they get the kids out it’s too late to catch an escape pod. <BR/><BR/>On the ship’s bridge, Nick discovers that no distress call was sent, but, worse than that, the Dream’s unscrupulous captain, in a dangerous effort to make the Inter-space Speed Record, took a shortcut through territory belonging to the Mawreg. The Mawreg are a race of bloodthirsty and evil aliens who’s one desire is to conquer the universe- by any means necessary. Without help, and quick, all the survivors of the wreck are going to find themselves unwilling participants in the Mawreg’s cruel and unspeakable experiments with humankind. The group is depending on Nick’s level head and quick thinking to get them out. He is determined not to fail these people as he failed his sergeant and men on his last disastrous mission in the Special Forces.<BR/><BR/>A synopsis and SASE for your reply are included. I look forward to sending you the complete manuscript. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work. <BR/><BR/><BR/>Sincerely, <BR/>Scott D.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-84338988297264790822007-10-02T19:38:00.000-04:002007-10-02T19:38:00.000-04:00The revised version reads like a synopsis to me. Y...The revised version reads like a synopsis to me. You introduce so many characters and list so many events that you're using up valuable word count with details not required in a 300 word query. Like this:<BR/><BR/>The two of them are moments away from making it onto an escape pod when a beautiful woman named Mara comes running down the corridor begging for help.<BR/><BR/>You can't afford the words to tell us she came "running down the corridor". That's just one example. I think you could cut it in half by removing unnecessary words and phrases like that.<BR/><BR/>Of course, with my query writing ability and a strong wind, you could fly a kite.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-7053945288413659642007-10-02T19:05:00.000-04:002007-10-02T19:05:00.000-04:00Reminiscent of the works of Andre Norton, “The Wre...<I>Reminiscent of the works of Andre Norton, “The Wreck of the Nebula Dream” is an adult SF novel, of 100,000 words in length.</I><BR/><BR/>Not sure that anyone reads Norton these days, but the <I>title</I> is reminiscent of the 2003 SF novel by Michael Flynn, “The Wreck of the River of Stars”Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-25926707507131645882007-10-02T13:21:00.000-04:002007-10-02T13:21:00.000-04:00I like the newer version okay, even if I *do* keep...I like the newer version okay, even if I *do* keep thinking "Poseidon Adventure" meets "Starship Titanic" by Douglas Adams and Terry Jones.Peter Damienhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17450924500401351569noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-73412688815922930602007-10-02T08:56:00.000-04:002007-10-02T08:56:00.000-04:00I like the new-and-improved version.Though a query...I like the new-and-improved version.<BR/>Though a query must excite an agent, as a reader I would likely buy the book.Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-72015175392563036672007-10-02T08:30:00.000-04:002007-10-02T08:30:00.000-04:00I don't see this fitting on one page with those tw...I don't see this fitting on one page with those two lengthy plot paragraphs, so I copied them here and removed what I thought you could do without:<BR/><BR/><BR/>Once Nick realizes that the ship isn’t going anywhere this lifetime, he teams up with a Khevan, one of an order of mystics who are usually hired as bodyguards or assassins. The two are moments from boarding an escape pod when a woman named Mara comes running down the corridor begging for help. Two young children are trapped in a crumbling corridor. Nick and Khevan follow Mara, but by the time they get the kids out it’s too late to catch an escape pod. <BR/><BR/>On the ship’s bridge, Nick discovers that no distress call was sent, and the Dream is floating in Mawreg space. Without help, and quick, all the survivors of the wreck are going to find themselves unwilling participants in the Mawreg’s cruel and unspeakable experiments with humankind. Nick is determined not to fail these people.<BR/><BR/><BR/>This version does lead me to ask why the ship would have been in the Mawreg sector in the first place.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-25579388029725365742007-10-02T08:14:00.000-04:002007-10-02T08:14:00.000-04:00Curse you, Bernita, that's exactly what I was goin...Curse you, Bernita, that's exactly what I was going to say!<BR/><BR/>This needs more commas. Seriously. Some of the sentences don't make sense without them.<BR/><BR/>Also, how does a spaceship crash? How does everyone aboard not die if the integrity of the hull is breached? Wouldn't that create an oxygen vacuum and kill them all in like thirty seconds?Staciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07969399927758009095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-89434048327279707162007-10-02T03:21:00.000-04:002007-10-02T03:21:00.000-04:00The ship's bowels joke had no right to be as funny...The ship's bowels joke had no right to be as funny as it was. I am an adult, or so I thought.pacatruehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04125048243775811714noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-80217798096463128952007-10-02T02:50:00.000-04:002007-10-02T02:50:00.000-04:00AUTHOR HERE AGAIN:Ok, keeping in mind these notes ...AUTHOR HERE AGAIN:<BR/><BR/>Ok, keeping in mind these notes and the ones from COM, here is the New and Improved Query Letter. Please let me know if it's better than the first one or if I'm going in the wrong direction. <BR/><BR/>Dear Benevolent Editor,<BR/><BR/>On its maiden voyage, The Nebula Dream, the most luxurious spaceliner ever built, is involved in a wreck of Titanic proportions. With insufficient escape pods, the survivors are doomed, unless one passenger- disgraced black-ops mission commander Nick Jameson- can get them out before the ship explodes, and before enemy aliens capture them as slaves- or worse. <BR/><BR/>Reminiscent of the works of Andre Norton, “The Wreck of the Nebula Dream” is an adult SF novel, of 100,000 words in length.<BR/><BR/>Once it becomes obvious to Nick that the ship isn’t going anywhere this lifetime, the Special Forces captain teams up with a D’vannae brother, one of an order of tough and well-trained mystics who are usually hired as high-class bodyguards or Grade A assassins. (Nick’s just glad Brother Khevan is on his side this time). The two of them are moments away from making it onto an escape pod when a beautiful woman named Mara comes running down the corridor begging for help. Two young children are trapped in crumbling corridor. Nick and Khevan are the only ones who decide to follow Mara and attempt a rescue. By the time the three of them have gotten the kids out it’s much too late to catch an escape pod. Working their way through the ship with Mara and the children, Nick and Khevan also save a flighty young socialite from the unwanted attentions of seven men at once. After attempting to hire Khevan as her personal bodyguard the girl, Twilka, reluctantly joins their ragtag band of survivors. <BR/><BR/>During an unpleasant visit to the remnants of the ship’s bridge, Nick discovers from probing the ship’s Artificial Intelligence that none of the Dream’s communicators are working. Worse than that, though, is the fact that not only was a distress call never sent, but the Dream is floating in the middle of enemy space belonging to the Mawreg- some of the nastiest aliens to ever pollute the universe. Nick knows there is no hope for any of them if they can’t get a message out to someone. The escape pods don’t have enough fuel to make it to the safest sector. Without help, and quick, all the survivors of the wreck are going to find themselves unwilling participants in the Mawreg’s cruel and unspeakable experiments with humankind. The group is depending on Nick’s level head and quick thinking to get them out. He is determined not to fail these people, not to let them die if there is any way he can prevent it.<BR/><BR/> A synopsis and SASE for your reply are included. I look forward to sending you the complete manuscript. Thank you for taking the time to consider my work. <BR/><BR/>Sincerely, <BR/>A WriterAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-16004592583508810142007-10-02T01:58:00.000-04:002007-10-02T01:58:00.000-04:00Author here: In reply to anon 12:19, that's exactl...Author here: In reply to anon 12:19, that's exactly what happened. I submitted them at exactly the same time and now it's been on COM for WEEKS. So, I did revise already off those comments. <BR/><BR/>*goes away to revise again off these feedbacks- will be back later to post results*<BR/><BR/>~Scott D.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-83965182850658462442007-10-02T00:19:00.000-04:002007-10-02T00:19:00.000-04:00Phoenix, it takes a bit longer for EE to get a que...Phoenix, it takes a bit longer for EE to get a query up than for the Crapometer to do so; this query may have been submitted to both sites at the same time. The writer can't know how much overlap there is between the audiences for the two sites, so by submitting to both, he or she is just ensuring they get lots of opinions--which is good practice.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-39081923956418602732007-10-01T23:46:00.000-04:002007-10-01T23:46:00.000-04:00If I'm still reading at page 50, I'm likely to wan...If I'm still reading at page 50, I'm likely to want to read the whole thing. Normally I quit by page three. Anyone who wants 50 pages from everyone who submits a query must be really into origami.<BR/><BR/>Of course the letter was addressed to an editor. Agents have much bigger offices.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-69550698078518573382007-10-01T23:26:00.000-04:002007-10-01T23:26:00.000-04:00Ooh, now see, you'd get a lot more mileage if you ...Ooh, now see, you'd get a lot more mileage if you post a version, wait for feedback, revise, then post that revised query elsewhere. Nothing I can add that wasn't already said on the COM. I mean, Goblin was even kind enough to offer grammar advice. And EVERYONE thought there was a bit of overkill in the Titanic comparisons. And I was looking forward to reading an action-packed revised version. <BR/><BR/>EE gave you a tremendous gift -- the GTP plot summarization. Use that as your hook, and build off it. I'm sure we'd all love to see a revised version -- but, please re-read the COM comments as well as these and DO revise.<BR/><BR/>EE, can you please explain what you mean by:<BR/><BR/><I>If you're going to send 50 pages, you may as well send the whole book.</I><BR/><BR/>I've run across numerous agent guidelines that request just that -- 50 pages. Or first three chapters not to exceed 50 pages. Usually, these are snail mail requests. Ahh, I think I see, these agents are getting a kick-back from the US Post Office.Phoenix Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03290349031002504007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-63613407218808133942007-10-01T21:19:00.000-04:002007-10-01T21:19:00.000-04:00Sounds like the Poseidon Adventure in space.Sounds like the Poseidon Adventure in space.Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-16431556474526884542007-10-01T19:35:00.000-04:002007-10-01T19:35:00.000-04:00Be careful when you refer to the "bowels" of a spa...Be careful when you refer to the "bowels" of a spaceship. This is from South Park's episode "The Death Camp of Tolerance" ...<BR/>(yes, the potty mouthed little kids can reach even into EE's realm), <BR/><BR/><I>But the true comedy comes from the journey Lemmiwinks takes through Mr. Slave's bowels, aided by the spirits of animals who've perished there before (The Frog Prince, The Sparrow Prince and Catana Fish), all set to the tune of a song parody of music heard in the Rankin/Bass productions The Hobbit & The Return of the King. Will Lemmiwinks become The Gerbil King? Tune in and find out.</I>Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-35218261065394670902007-10-01T19:34:00.000-04:002007-10-01T19:34:00.000-04:00What it reminded me of was Under Siege. Only in sp...What it reminded me of was <I>Under Siege</I>. Only in space.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38556372732246914402007-10-01T19:23:00.000-04:002007-10-01T19:23:00.000-04:00EE's right. Ditch the first paragraph and replace ...EE's right. Ditch the first paragraph and replace it with a hook, which is -<BR/><BR/>Special ops guy is on a passanger spaceship that crashes amongst a bunch of aliens that turn humans into crap 80's popstars (or whatever their experiments are, not that there are many worse than waking up turned into Boy George)<BR/><BR/>That allows you also to strim a lot of "this happened and then that, and then..." out of the main body, meaning you can focus on the good stuff, trying to get off for a start, how the group dymnamic works (is one of them autistic, one a psychopath, one an engineer...basically the cast from 'Cube)<BR/><BR/>If your plot is Hero guy legs it before the aliens graft gills onto his knees, your agent is going to be asleep. Pick out the other things in your book that have weight, Jack Nicholson's (sorry Nick Jameson's) inner conflict: does he at first shun leadership because of the death of his colleague (this is where you bring this up). Is he secretly married to a Mawreg?<BR/><BR/>Oh and never use a sentance like "some of the nastiest aliens to ever pollute the universe". Why? Because they do unspeakable experiments on humans for one. Secondly, they are your antagonists, if they are nice and cute and help them off the ship there isn't a story. Plus taken on its own it sounds cheesy.<BR/><BR/>This sounds like a classic action plot like 'pitch black', actually its a hell of a lot like 'pitch black', so it can work if your hook is good enough. The query needs to be trimmed and re adjusted, then with more about Nick added making us want to read about him specifically, not just about any old disgraced Hero guy.Hillsyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04333788288049781211noreply@blogger.com