tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post8513681813619605873..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1088Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-12116771608745542132013-01-21T00:13:12.767-05:002013-01-21T00:13:12.767-05:00I seriously don't think about it much now that...I seriously don't think about it much now that I don't have to write headlines for a living, but the comment about certain words being turnoffs -- I can relate to that. It is difficult for me to get inspired by words like "data entry." <br /><br />Although, ever since Stepford, I can relate to the bizarre nature of the computer.John C. Updikehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14717474679247050793noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-14272241362860923962012-11-30T09:57:10.033-05:002012-11-30T09:57:10.033-05:00Author here.
Thank you all so much for your comme...Author here.<br /><br />Thank you all so much for your comments! And thank you Evil Lord for your help. I will have to think & revise. I don't know where I could have received this kind of feedback anywhere else.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-45690073349581984032012-11-29T21:49:07.573-05:002012-11-29T21:49:07.573-05:00Okay, now I think I figured this out.
I used to ...Okay, now I think I figured this out. <br /><br />I used to live in Fort Lauderdale. Streets run east to west and avenues run north to south. They are named by number and the quarter of the city they are in. I can’t tell you how many times somebody went to some northeast avenue when they wanted a southwest street – or something like that. <br /><br />Well, I figure you meant to go to the Social Security office on Southeast 5th Avenue but ended up at the Gambino’s hideout on Northwest 5th Street. Could that be it?<br />Mister Furkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07156977719916770984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-6335996220880801912012-11-29T21:34:29.704-05:002012-11-29T21:34:29.704-05:00I've known a few social workers. And don’t thi...I've known a few social workers. And don’t think they’re a lot of wimpy Milquetoasts but crazed homicidal bounty hunter is not what comes to mind when I remember them. Could you have confused Timothy McVeigh with his murder victims?Mister Furkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07156977719916770984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-36630306363015092702012-11-29T21:05:14.001-05:002012-11-29T21:05:14.001-05:00I think the idea of an elite team of killer social...I think the idea of an elite team of killer social workers is pretty awesome.<br /><br />Talk about irony...<br />rilnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-57842207147229310482012-11-29T20:05:58.840-05:002012-11-29T20:05:58.840-05:00Some points:
Is this some strange future in which... Some points:<br /><br />Is this some strange future in which hundreds of social workers have gone insane? Or are they so desperately poor they're willing to kill someone for a bounty?<br /><br />"Keisha’s boss, Dr. Scott, goes looking for the missing children and is never heard from again." It's not good to bring up a character and dismiss him forever in the same sentence. <br /><br />"He encounters residents who saw the missing children secreted into vans in the middle of the night by men in black clothing." <br /><br />If people saw this, the kidnappers were bad at their jobs. <br />Did the witnesses tell the police this little tidbit of information? Or are they just now telling a random stranger?<br />(Somehow, this sentence reminds me of an episode of Walker Texas Ranger.)<br /><br />"If she can survive long enough, maybe the government can trace the computer hacker. If they can’t, she’s on her own."<br />If the government knows what's going on, why aren't they, you know, protecting her?<br /><br />The problem: None of this makes sense or is even remotely believable the way it's written. <br /><br />Start over. You need to pretend your story is happening in real life, or a believable alternate world. People have reasons for what they do. Actions have consequences. <br /><br />Why don't we all just kill people for money, or kidnap a bunch of kids to force social change, or fail to report crimes to the authorities? Because (reasonable consequence) would happen. Think it through.<br />St0n3hengehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504412781917592790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-32550393043228475582012-11-29T16:50:58.914-05:002012-11-29T16:50:58.914-05:00Boy, I am usually first in line to say "be mo...Boy, I am usually first in line to say "be more specific!" but every detail in this query makes it sound ridiculous. I agree with the others: focus on Keisha, emphasize the stakes, and maybe don't mention that her big heroic action is writing a grant and then having a hit put out on her by a .gov URL.<br /><br />The story seems healthy, like it's structurally sound and has all the right elements. But boy, that nonprofit jargon is a thrill-killer.150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-53996379937285117572012-11-29T15:20:47.545-05:002012-11-29T15:20:47.545-05:00I tripped over the idea that data entry is Keisha&...I tripped over the idea that data entry is Keisha's "dream job." That's a tall order--I can see working for an organization that Keisha highly respects may be a dream-come-true, but data entry? Unless Keisha's endearingly obsessed with numbers, I'd rephrase this.<br /><br />Otherwise, with some more clarity, I was also interested. Good luck.Kelseynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-14804633299586968982012-11-29T14:58:28.330-05:002012-11-29T14:58:28.330-05:00How old are the kids? Little kids--under, say, 10 ...How old are the kids? Little kids--under, say, 10 or 12--and the cops & media are all over it. Teens? Who cares? Hell, everyone wants them to disappear anyway.<br /><br />Is it more like this:<br /><br />When Keisha begins work at a non-profit, she soon realizes that every child whose name she enters as part of the Dullsville Neighborhood Afterschool Bore-A-Thon program is kidnapped.<br /><br />Or more like this:<br /><br />When Keisha begins work at a non-profit, she soon realizes that every child whose name she enters is kidnapped.<br /><br />If it's the first, then police (not mentioned, hmmm) and others have something to go on. If it's the second, Keisha will find herself spending time in holding rooms while she finds an attorney--because she's the common link.khazar-khumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-35235370983451842222012-11-29T14:46:16.451-05:002012-11-29T14:46:16.451-05:00PS-- The disappearance of large numbers of childre...PS-- The disappearance of large numbers of children is high stakes stuff. So make sure you're giving it its full due. AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-65325381708638067272012-11-29T12:24:26.331-05:002012-11-29T12:24:26.331-05:00Okay. This is actually an interesting story idea, ...Okay. This is actually an interesting story idea, provided you can keep it believable.<br /><br />The problem is you're not expressing it well in the query. You're giving us a lot of unnecessary details (the name of the website, the color of the kidnappers' clothing) and leaving out necessary ones.<br /><br />And this sentence makes no sense:<br /><br /><i>The computer hacker who seized control of GovernmentGrants is determined to make a difference by forcing social change on organizations hindered by law and ethics. </i><br /><br />Fortunately it's deletable, because the villain's motives aren't important here. It's fine if we don't find out, in the query, why the children are going missing. The query needs to focus on your protagonist. Here's <i>her</i> story as I get it from the query:<br /><br />1. Keisha has a new data entry job.<br /><br />2. Oh no! Every kid whose data she enters gets kidnapped. (NB-- this would be thousands of kids, no?)<br /><br />3. Once Keisha realizes this, her own life is in danger. Also that of her boss and her handsome coworker.<br /><br />4. Keisha presumably wants to rescue the children (this is not mentioned) but she is pursued by homicidal social workers. <br /><br />Btw, I don't know where this is set (the term "food closets", since I'd never heard it before, made me think it was not the US). In the US, stranger abductions of children number about 100 a year. If that suddenly became thousands, I feel sure we'd notice. <br /><br />AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.com