tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post7851376262813179120..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 956Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-65581585072973018792011-10-12T19:06:26.267-04:002011-10-12T19:06:26.267-04:00Have I reached my limit on commenting? My comments...Have I reached my limit on commenting? My comments are no longer coming through!<br /><br />Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeChelsea Pitcherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16301150715189103602noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30330925290338585442011-10-12T01:14:24.428-04:002011-10-12T01:14:24.428-04:00Thank you everyone. Really. No where on the web is...Thank you everyone. Really. No where on the web is as helpful as the folks at EE.<br /><br />So, generally, although it also needs work, we favor the second version of this query over the first?E.D. Walkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03002135496669838071noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52649626209718974992011-10-11T15:33:59.106-04:002011-10-11T15:33:59.106-04:00I do like the rewrite, but agree that the stakes a...I do like the rewrite, but agree that the stakes are just very low. Losing her job doesn't mean her surrogate family will shun her, does it? I realize "just get another job" is silly advice in today's market, but if her problem could be solved that easily, maybe there should be a more pressing reason she can't do it. And she'll be gone next semester anyway, and it's not like the bar is going to take BACK the money she's already got saved.<br /><br />I don't know anything about your genre, whether this is a typical level of conflict or what, so maybe you could find some queries for similarly low-key books and see what they did? RWA should be able to help. I see no reason to believe this isn't a well-written book.150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-65643906534206937302011-10-11T15:05:22.165-04:002011-10-11T15:05:22.165-04:00The query is well written (as was the original ver...The query is well written (as was the original version). The problem for me is the central conflict is pretty low-key and doesn't seem to be an either/or situation. Lucy feels she belongs at this particular bar; that's cool. But couldn't the sweet guy Norman find work elsewhere? Plus, how committed are they if she's going to Berkeley? Might be a fun read (your voice certainly suggests it), but personally I'd prefer to see more tension in a story.dev_lenahttps://twitter.com/#!/dev_lenanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1902673759265974622011-10-11T09:22:19.678-04:002011-10-11T09:22:19.678-04:00Oh. Okay.
Then I submit the phrase "My paran...Oh. Okay.<br /><br />Then I submit the phrase "My paranormal romance ebook" immediately after the plot synopsis is confusing.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-65768120084048109022011-10-11T08:54:09.657-04:002011-10-11T08:54:09.657-04:00This isn't the paranormal book.This isn't the paranormal book.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-50385685721809406882011-10-11T08:25:04.177-04:002011-10-11T08:25:04.177-04:00Paranormal how?Paranormal how?AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-15214352799221099202011-10-11T00:22:05.028-04:002011-10-11T00:22:05.028-04:00P1: Call it a 100,000-word contemporary romance th...P1: Call it a 100,000-word contemporary romance that should appeal... thus saving a couple words and a comma. Not sure why you need to list three authors. If they're all known for wry humor and playful sexiness, choose one.<br /><br />P2: The father isn't important in the query. You can drop "after her father’s untimely death," and "after three years of grieving." <br /><br />P3: Two consecutive sentences full of adjectives describing Norm? I'd trim it to:<br /><br />Then her boss hires a new bouncer, Norm, a literature dork who turns out to be everything Lucy never knew she wanted: funny, passionate, smart, kind, and the best friend she’s ever had. And he’s not a bad bouncer either.<br /><br />Norm has all the features most women want in a man. Why did Lucy never know <i>she</i> wanted them?<br /><br /><br />P4: Change "problem for" to "obstacle to." <br /><br />Not clear why you have to say "especially between bouncers and shot girls." If you call it a strict no-dating rule for employees, you can't then imply that it's not so strict unless you're a shot girl and bouncer.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-48584239817536241032011-10-09T13:47:52.510-04:002011-10-09T13:47:52.510-04:00TAKE TWO:
Dear Benevolent Editor,
I am seeking a ...TAKE TWO:<br />Dear Benevolent Editor,<br /><br />I am seeking a publisher for “Beauty and the Bouncer,” a contemporary romance, complete at 100,000 words, that should appeal to fans of the wry humor and playful sexiness in the works of Jennifer Crusie, Victoria Dahl, and Rachel Gibson. <br /><br />Lucy York is an aspiring mechanical engineer working as a shot girl serving watered-down drinks to drunken frat boys at Jezebel’s Bar & Lounge. The job isn’t so bad—it pays her bills, and, after her father’s untimely death, she’s managed to make a surrogate family for herself at the bar. But now, at 24, after three years of grieving, she’s ready to spread her wings and fly north to attend UC Berkeley and, maybe, distance herself a little from the all-consuming bar life at Jezebel’s. <br /><br />Then her boss hires a new bouncer, Norm, a literature dork who seems like everything a bouncer shouldn’t be: tall, gangly, sweet (and, you know, named Norman). But, as she gets to know him, ol’ Norm turns out to be everything Lucy never knew she wanted: funny, passionate, smart, kind, and the best friend she’s ever had. And he’s not a bad bouncer either.<br /><br />One problem for their happily ever after: the owner has a strict no-dating rule for employees. Especially between bouncers and shot girls. If anyone at Jezebel’s finds out she’s dating a bouncer, Lucy will lose her job, her surrogate family, and the money she needs to go to Berkeley.<br /><br />But, if she loses Norm, is she losing her best chance at happiness? <br /><br />My paranormal romance ebook The Beauty's Beast was released by Noble Romance Publishing last year and my YA fantasy ebook, Heir to the Underworld, was released by Sapphire Blue Publishing a few months later. Heir to the Underworld recently finaled for Best YA Novel in the 2012 EPIC ebook awards. I am also a member of Romance Writers of America. <br /><br />Thank you for taking the time to consider my work.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />An AuthorE.D. Walkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03002135496669838071noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-28337469643311317862011-09-29T15:12:17.503-04:002011-09-29T15:12:17.503-04:00Or you could go with: My paranormal romance ebook ...Or you could go with: My paranormal romance ebook <i>The Beauty's Beast</i> was released by Noble Romance Publishing last year and my YA fantasy ebook, <i>Heir to the Underworld</i>, was released by Sapphire Blue Publishing a few months later.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-6450512857047818812011-09-29T14:49:50.970-04:002011-09-29T14:49:50.970-04:00Just hopping in to say that I like the voice in th...Just hopping in to say that I like the voice in this query a lot. <br />Also the GTPs are great!<br /><br />Author, what I'd suggest for the publication credits is something simple like 'Under my pen name of E. D. Walker, I have two novels out from e-publishers. One was a finalist in a Romance Writer's Ink contest.'<br />That way the agent knows that they weren't self-published, and she can look them up under your pen-name if she wants. <br />Now, if the agent you're querying also handles YA fantasy, you might want to include the genres. Otherwise I wouldn't go into detail - that's my take anyways.batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-31386124021685960252011-09-29T11:19:17.462-04:002011-09-29T11:19:17.462-04:00Author again.
"If I was an agent another con...Author again.<br /><br />"If I was an agent another concern would be that you've already signed some idiot multiple book contract to sell all your work to a publisher for a pittance and there's nothing I can do for you."<br /><br />Most epubs only contract for the book they want to buy, and most times it is with a clause that they don't even have exclusive rights to the characters or any sequels I might write. (This is the case in both the contracts I have signed). So no, I have not signed some idiot book contract with either of my publishers. I THINK agents would know this about epubs as it is a fairly boilerplate contract clause in my experience(could be wrong about that, tho). <br /><br />EE, (or anyone) do you have any thoughts regarding whether to use my pub credits or not? Or how to structure them in the query?E.D. Walkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03002135496669838071noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-25914756363271961802011-09-29T11:02:03.173-04:002011-09-29T11:02:03.173-04:00What they said about the premise.
Re: your list...What they said about the premise. <br /><br />Re: your list of priors in the last paragraph. Starting with the statement you had E-pubs or E-books or whatever gave me the impression you put them out yourself. Then you mention publishers I never heard of put your work out. And I don't know, maybe I should have heard of them. Or maybe they're obscure little presses. No idea. <br /><br />Anyway, this list is complicated to sort out and you don't want your would-be agent to suddenly stop thinking about your great novel to try to figure out WTF, how many publishers are there, are these vanity presses or what, and if not, why don't they want you back? Did the books not sell????!! <br /><br />One hears it is EVEN more difficult to sell a second novel than a first, especially if the first one bombed. So this list looks like you've been published several times but nobody ever heard of the books. Maybe you don't need to mention them at this point. Or just mention something that would encourage an agent to think your books actually sell. Like say your last book was Whatever published by the Whatnot press and it has sold X copies in z time, and leave it at that until your would-be agent calls to chat you up.<br /><br />If I was an agent another concern would be that you've already signed some idiot multiple book contract to sell all your work to a publisher for a pittance and there's nothing I can do for you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-18505962874983758472011-09-28T22:51:04.448-04:002011-09-28T22:51:04.448-04:00Presumably none of them is slutty.
Gotcha. Didn&#...<i>Presumably none of them is slutty.</i><br /><br />Gotcha. Didn't hurt to hope, though...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-37361161513593647262011-09-28T22:42:23.764-04:002011-09-28T22:42:23.764-04:00And another thing...
Hi writer. I dont really wan...And another thing...<br /><br />Hi writer. I dont really want to come across like I'm deliberately trying to find fault with your query. The manuscript prob has a lot of merit. I guess you dont want to give an agent any excuses to say "pass" - so the other thing that stood out for me was having a geeky guy as a bouncer. <br /><br />As much as I like the juxtaposition of a nerdy tough guy, this might be what gets your query tossed. Most bouncers are there to keep the peace, and do so by providing a menacing presence - that they would grind your skull to dust without so much as raising a sweat if you even think about drunken disorderly conduct. Your lanky hero might have black belts in 3 different martial arts, but if he looks like a pushover, no bar manager would give him the job. <br /><br />Don't drop the charcter, but maybe write the query so it looks like a deliberate feature - just saying he's everything a bouncer shouldn't be isn't enough!Jo-Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15705983780352542190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-83373114107961298812011-09-28T21:49:02.124-04:002011-09-28T21:49:02.124-04:00Author here.
Thank you for the help, EE. I'l...Author here. <br /><br />Thank you for the help, EE. I'll work on a revision. <br /><br />The "slutty" thing is actually a description of the uniforms and such the shot girls wear, not their sexual activity levels. Though I realize now my error in using it as a descriptor and will prune accordingly. <br /><br />@Khazar-khum<br />"Where is she in California? There are UCs up & down the state, and most are not in the hellhole that is Berkeley."<br />But not every UC is the best public university in the country. (Sorry, former Cal Bear here. Gotta defend the ol'alma mater.)E.D. Walkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03002135496669838071noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-32675017975783813582011-09-28T18:32:34.452-04:002011-09-28T18:32:34.452-04:00It sounds like a fun premise, so long as the reade...It sounds like a fun premise, so long as the reader isn't afraid to ask too many questions - the main one for me being why is Lucy loyal to that bar? Surely shot-girl jobs have a high turnover, and she should be able to find another easily if the no-staff-dating policy is a drag on her love-life. I second what Sarah says about having more mech eng students in fiction.Jo-Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15705983780352542190noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-71069825048130565842011-09-28T17:50:39.848-04:002011-09-28T17:50:39.848-04:00EE, dear, you should know better. It's frat bo...EE, dear, you should know better. It's frat boys, not frat boy's, unless that 'at' belongs to one of them.<br /><br /><i>Also an agent will be turned off by a main character described as slutty.</i><br /><br />Readers, too.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30291488709439501432011-09-28T17:36:42.847-04:002011-09-28T17:36:42.847-04:00It seems to me that if Lucy's life dream is to...It seems to me that if Lucy's life dream is to study engineering at Berkeley, then that's what needs to be at stake here. Maybe Norman buys her shot girl persona and she's afraid to reveal her inner nerd. Maybe Norman is somehow connected to the admissions office at UC Berkeley and she's terrified that dating him will reveal her double life and hurt her scholarship prospects.<br /><br />Also I'm also a bit puzzled why a bar would hire a skinny literature student as a bouncer, unless he's a black belt in karate or something.<br /><br />But it sounds like fun - I'm all for mechanical engineering students as main characters!sarahhawthornenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-68932608226399726732011-09-28T13:59:01.608-04:002011-09-28T13:59:01.608-04:00Add my voice to those who aren't buying Lucy&#...Add my voice to those who aren't buying Lucy's predicament. What exactly is going on with UC Berkeley? Has she already been admitted, but asked for a deferral while she gets some money together? Did she make the weird mistake of not applying for financial aid at the time she applied for admission (not very smart about achieving her dream)? Anyway, money should be the easy part; a UC education is quite cheap for California residents, but getting into Berkeley is incredibly tough.<br /><br />And the questions keep comin'. If Lucy is willing to work as a slutty shot girl in San Diego or L.A. then money should be no object; she could do the same in Oakland. Why is she hanging around in "the dump"? And for that matter why doesn't she get a job at Applebee's? And really, how dreadful is life somewhere south of Berkeley?<br /><br />If she's "moonlighting" as a shot girl, what's her primary job?<br /><br />I don't want to see the answers in a post here. I just want to point out that you're outlining a predicament that I find contrived and unconvincing.journeytogaohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12708633194344557042noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-92111059915691195482011-09-28T13:32:06.482-04:002011-09-28T13:32:06.482-04:00Because they're all slutty?
Presumably none ...<i>Because they're all slutty? </i><br /><br />Presumably none of them is slutty. The job description requires all of them to be highly flirtatious to complete strangers. It's an acting job. Adding "slutty" to the description is insulting. Also an agent will be turned off by a main character described as slutty.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-19473748897386067742011-09-28T13:13:28.220-04:002011-09-28T13:13:28.220-04:00Where is she in California? There are UCs up &...Where is she in California? There are UCs up & down the state, and most are not in the hellhole that is Berkeley.<br /><br />Where is Norman going to school? Is there a reason they aren't going to the same college?Khazar-khumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-78138834339240146562011-09-28T11:55:02.014-04:002011-09-28T11:55:02.014-04:00It seems to me the great "if" in a dream...It seems to me the great "if" in a dream of attending UC Berkeley would not be so much student loans (if she's making pots of money as EE suggests) but actually being <i>admitted</i> to UC Berkeley. That's an easy change to make. If she's just waiting on the loans you'd think she'd be in Berkeley.<br /><br />Though I have it on good authority that an even greater threat to one's ability to attend Berkeley is finding a @#$%ing room to rent.<br /><br />Agree there needs to be more of a threat to her budding romance than the possiblity of losing a job she doesn't much want. What if she's already in Berkeley, and the job includes a room and is also the way she's paying her tuition? Then she'd be risking her dream by boinking the bouncer.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-4293790272956357092011-09-28T11:42:24.801-04:002011-09-28T11:42:24.801-04:00If the reader is familiar with the term "shot...<i>If the reader is familiar with the term "shot girl," I don't see the need to add "slutty" to the description.</i><br /><br />Because they're <i>all</i> slutty?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com