tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post7402035073662717639..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1189Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-54391958448286151472014-04-08T02:34:46.179-04:002014-04-08T02:34:46.179-04:00I didn't realize that Pocahontas was from Hawa...I didn't realize that Pocahontas was from Hawaii... silly me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-56900501462221149042014-03-04T22:30:12.395-05:002014-03-04T22:30:12.395-05:00Well of course it has to erupt like an orgasm ever...Well of course it has to erupt like an orgasm everyone has been waiting for.CavalierdeNuithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09862976676163347369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-56184402219759234562014-03-04T16:23:10.150-05:002014-03-04T16:23:10.150-05:00Cavalieredenuit:
having a volcano in a book not e...Cavalieredenuit:<br /><br />having a volcano in a book not erupt is simply not done. It's like having a gun in the first act never, ever go off. It's a violation of the rules of storytelling. Besides, volcanoes are hella cool.khazar-khumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90516558989409741842014-03-04T15:35:58.252-05:002014-03-04T15:35:58.252-05:00Btw, the title keeps making me think of that Simps...Btw, the title keeps making me think of that Simpson's episode where the realtor points to the house in flames and says "motivated seller!"AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-24503205464922132412014-03-04T13:42:17.974-05:002014-03-04T13:42:17.974-05:00This sounds like a Pocahontas story to me, and she...This sounds like a Pocahontas story to me, and she was a real person, not just a Disney character. You can use that to your advantage.<br /><br />A fantasy version of Pocahontas would be a cool story: Iolani and Will venture into a cave and find magical things from Iolani's people. They fall in love while fighting for something together. And what if the volcano never erupts? *gasp*<br /><br />I would work on making this less vague and showing us the fantasy elements.CavalierdeNuithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09862976676163347369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-7512704862477413852014-03-04T10:28:49.750-05:002014-03-04T10:28:49.750-05:00I fully agree with Alaska's comments about thi...I fully agree with Alaska's comments about this sounding like any generic indigenous population. (The Sioux are not the same as the Anishnaabe who NOT the same as indigenous Polynesians, etc.) Even in an alternate fantasy world, I hope your indigenous population is unique.<br /><br />Also, to have your MC be desperate to "preserve her heritage" needs to be taken out. When you are part of a dominant culture, you don't even think of it as a "culture", it's just how people are. When you're in a minority and the way your culture is presented on TV and in books seems very different from how you know your family looks at home, that's when people refer to your culture as "your heritage."<br /><br />Overall, this query would benefit from being much more deeply situated in your MC's point of view. We need that to care about thsi character, to see the specifics that make her dilemma different from anyone else's and why she's the only one who can (at least try to) save the day.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08771522093319083163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-22347214088077356792014-03-03T21:52:09.276-05:002014-03-03T21:52:09.276-05:00Also, Kaiahi is an anagram of Hawaii if you change...Also, Kaiahi is an anagram of Hawaii if you change the K to a W.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-9333902944036286342014-03-03T21:31:46.462-05:002014-03-03T21:31:46.462-05:00By the way, these names look Hawaiian. And Hawaii ...By the way, these names look Hawaiian. And Hawaii has volcanoes. So if this is a fantasy set in Hawaii or quasi-Hawaii, once again: we need the fantasy element. Front and center.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-53833329784278061872014-03-03T21:27:47.185-05:002014-03-03T21:27:47.185-05:00I apologize in advance but this:
"From the ...I apologize in advance but this: <br /><br /><i>"From the moment white sails appear on the horizon, Iolani dreads the great changes" </i><br /><br />reminds me of the <br /><i>"Creator of the universe as claimed by adherents of the faith on planet Viltvodle VI. Their legend has it that the universe was sneezed out of the nose of the Great Green Arkleseizure, and they thus "live in perpetual fear of the time they call 'The Coming of the Great White Handkerchief.'""</i>Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18217202416002233005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-27866781637066822522014-03-03T19:22:09.694-05:002014-03-03T19:22:09.694-05:00All volcanoes in books erupt. It's true. My si...All volcanoes in books erupt. It's true. My sister the volcanologist said so.<br /><br />It sounds like a story of the innocent, noble savages meeting the horrible moderns, who might as well be blue-eyed devils. The island people are never anything but pure, while the visitors bring corruption. Island natives are never anything but peaceful, good and wise. Not a backstabber or venal bastard among them. Nope. It's always the evil visitors.<br /><br />Do we really need that story again? khazar-khumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-73353952440532743992014-03-03T19:08:47.915-05:002014-03-03T19:08:47.915-05:00What EE said re specificity. And also this:
Every...What EE said re specificity. And also this:<br /><br />Everything you've mentioned sounds like it could be historical fiction about Any Indigenous Population meeting The Europeans. From the Caribbean in the 15th century to the South Pacific in the 19th, this is what happened: A bunch of people with names that would sound odd to us saw white sails on the horizon, then found themselves surrounded by demanding "explorers" who gave them smallpox. (Or, in the case of the Pacific islands, measles.)<br /><br />About the only thing that sounds different in your story is the spectre of war looming. It's very hard to summon a spectre of war when you're busy dying of smallpox. <br /><br />If there's a fantasy element in your story, be sure to mention it.<br /><br />I'd also avoid the description of what the story explores, in your penultimate sentence. Leave that sort of thing to the reviewers.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.com