tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post7099559093016685837..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 684Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-40321011944167124522009-11-06T13:52:55.520-05:002009-11-06T13:52:55.520-05:00Just had a thought - was Rasi exiled for loving th...Just had a thought - was Rasi exiled for loving the Princess? If so, you might want to mention that upfront so the "love of his life" line doesn't come out of the blue. <br /><br />Don't give up, you're getting there and it sounds like a good story.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12237518808756712176noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-9557489649281702012009-11-05T20:01:36.723-05:002009-11-05T20:01:36.723-05:00Here's another opinion to muddy the waters. Do...Here's another opinion to muddy the waters. Doug, I have no expertise in anything, so do read this with your salt shaker at hand. But I hope to help, since I see things differently from some of the other commenters.<br /><br />I got the impression that Rasi is the main character, not the princess. so I don't think she has to be active in the plot. However, I can see why it might be confusing who is the main character - a lot of the query seems to talk about Elijah. Can you make it more Rasi-centric? Unfortunately, that might mean losing those snappy first two lines, but perhaps that might solve some of the confusion. I would try and focus it on Rasi and his challenge: save the princess and create peace - that's the heart of the story. And you want to get the editor rooting for Rasi, if you can. I think this would mean cutting out most of Elijah except the one bit (human sacrifice) that best showcases his evilness. So maybe:<br /><br />Rasi, a brilliant warrior, would kill all in his path to save Princess *. He may have to - her father, King Elijah of Epertase, facing an unstoppable invasion, has just had his daughter kidnapped. She is blessed with the magical Light of Epertase within her soul, and sacrificing her to the gods is supposed to save both king and kingdom.<br /><br />Rasi has other ideas. Since an unjust banishment and a terrible curse - seven blood-thirsty tentacles melded to his back - he has longed for redemption and a life of peace. In the Princess, he sees a chance for both. If he has to kill Elijah, the entire invading army, and the gods themselves to save his love, he will turn the rivers to blood. Epertase needs a new Queen; their army, a new leader. If Rasi succeeds, he will deliver both. But if he fails, his true love will die and Epertase will be destroyed.Hannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-87353449881542771502009-11-05T18:03:27.043-05:002009-11-05T18:03:27.043-05:00There's way too much detail in here. There...There's way too much detail in here. There's a big difference between a synopsis (which this pretty much is) and a query letter.<br /><br />In a query letter (much shorter than a synopsis) you just want to give the agent a feel for what happens, impress them with your ability, and make them curious about how it turns out. I've always thought that the best query letters set the stage but do not reveal the outcome.<br /><br />...dave coniferAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-13737981444867252812009-11-05T15:03:26.644-05:002009-11-05T15:03:26.644-05:00Where did the title character go? She's now ju...Where did the title character go? She's now just a one sentance blurb and very passive. It's like pitching The Hobbit by saying the "Adventures meet up at Bilbo's house. They do some stuff, a dragon is killed and oh, by the way, he gets a ring." The princess is now a muguffin. As soon as the princess became a passive character I lost interest. But that may be just me.<br /><br />Also, it's her secret affair with Rasi that holds the key to survival - ie awakens the Light? Really? You might want to make the mechanics behind the Light awakening clear. <br /><br />Substantively, I still think you are picking the wrong details. I don't care that the army comes from the west. So that's a detail that could be cut, IMHO. But I still have no idea what the Light is and how it is supposed to save the world. <br /><br />As an example, you say '. . . setting into motion an event that will bring about Elijah’s end' but don't tell me what the event is. I'd rather read "Princess unleashes the hounds of hell who won't rest until they rip Elijah's throat out." Now I have a specific detaill that doesn't make me confused. <br /><br />I'm not sure the defeat of Elijah's ally matters for the query. Rasi's path is set before then. <br /><br />Maybe: <br /><br />Beseiged by an invading army, King Elijah of Epertase would sacrifice his daughter to retain his throne. Rasi, an exiled and magically cursed warrior, would kill all in his path to save her. For it is Princess XY's secret power - the Light of Epertase - that holds the key to Epertase’s survival.<br /><br />As the enemy draws closer and defeat looks certain, the Light awakens. Princess XY uses it to (DO SOMETHING). Threatened by an enemy from without and his daughter from within Elijah prepares to sacrifice XY to gain the necessary WEREDINGOS needed to prevail. However, Rasi knows Epertase's only hope is if XY uses the Light to magically defend the country. He (overcomes something) and rescues XY. XY seizes the throne and saves Epertase. <br /><br />Good luckAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12237518808756712176noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-31641680758788702382009-11-05T12:12:11.364-05:002009-11-05T12:12:11.364-05:00Save the full explanations for the story.
Better,...Save the full explanations for the story.<br /><br />Better, I think, especially once you change the name. But the tentacles kind of threw me for a loop. I'm not sure whether they should stay or not._*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52100042111572788312009-11-05T12:09:17.021-05:002009-11-05T12:09:17.021-05:00I would shorten this and get the tentacles out. So...I would shorten this and get the tentacles out. Something like:<br /><br /><br />King Elijah of Epertase would kill his own daughter to stay in power. Rasi, a brilliant warrior, would kill all in his path to save her. For it is Princess ****’s secret affair with Rasi that may hold the key to Epertase’s survival.<br /><br />Now a ruthless army advances from the western sea. Elijah prepares for war. Quickly, the invaders annihilate his closest ally, exposing the flaws of Elijah’s plans for defense. Yet he stubbornly refuses to change course. <br /><br />With Epertase’s fall all but assured, Elijah has his daughter kidnapped with plans for her timely sacrifice--and Rasi goes on the hunt. If he has to kill Elijah, the entire invading army, and the gods themselves to save his love, he will turn the rivers to blood. Epertase needs a new Queen, their army, a new leader. If Rasi succeeds, he will deliver both. But if he fails, his true love will die, and Epertase will be destroyed.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30825065733149029382009-11-05T11:56:02.777-05:002009-11-05T11:56:02.777-05:00I never thought of naming someone after punctuatio...I never thought of naming someone after punctuation before.<br /><br />Paragraph three, first sentence: delete "Now." It strikes me as a useless word.<br /><br />Tentacles? Like the guy on the cover of Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters?<br /><br />After mentioning tentacles, I expect to read about tentacles--all I can think about are tentacles--but it seems like tentacles don't factor into the plot.Matthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07681932402948885690noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-8988666430373609102009-11-05T11:41:34.337-05:002009-11-05T11:41:34.337-05:00Steve, I included the tentacles as a glimpse of wh...Steve, I included the tentacles as a glimpse of why my world is unique and Rasi in particular. My question is how detailed should my query be? The questions you raise would need a lot more details to fully explain. In my book, they are. Shouldn't a query leave you wanting to fill in the blanks instead of assuming what happened? I'm not arguing any of your points, I'm only asking because I am not great at this process. Let me take one of your questions for an example. You ask why Elijah goes ahead with his strategy. I would have to spend a page explaining his stubbornness and how he believes he can overcome anything. Plus, his army is larger than his ally's army and that gives him a false sense. There is a lot of small details to The Light of Epertase that I don't feel important enough to include in the query but would answer your questions in the novel. I guess what I'm asking is at what point should everything be explained?Douglashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16251119793321995975noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30434179512242242422009-11-05T10:41:39.126-05:002009-11-05T10:41:39.126-05:00I'm not sure that **** is much of an improveme...I'm not sure that **** is much of an improvement on Ripley...<br /><br />Also, the violent tentacles are new, aren't they? I'm not sure they add anything to the query. (And, this guy has violent tentacles growing out of his back, and he <i>still</i> gets the girl? Most women I know would have qualms about dating Doctor Octopus.)<br /><br />I'm still a bit unclear on the way things hang together in the middle - Elijah realizes his strategy against the invaders isn't going to work, but he decides to go ahead with it anyway? I should imagine a lot of people in the kingdom would be wanting a new king at that point, and never mind the Light of Epertase.<br /><br />What use is Princess Name Redacted's power against the invaders? Seems to me that the <br />people of Epertase are best off dumping the king, ignoring the princess, and hiring Doc Ock to do the fighting for them.<br /><br />(And how does he find shirts that fit?)Steve Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09836762265698458170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-64317269986965925122009-11-05T09:05:59.172-05:002009-11-05T09:05:59.172-05:00Revised version:
Dear Evil Editor:
King Elijah ...Revised version:<br /><br /><br />Dear Evil Editor:<br /><br />King Elijah of Epertase would kill his own daughter to stay in power. Rasi, a brilliant warrior, would kill all in his path to save her. For it is Princess ****’s secret affair with Rasi that may hold the key to Epertase’s survival.<br /><br />He is cursed with seven blood-thirsty tentacles melded to his back. She is blessed with the magical Light of Epertase within her soul. Since an unjust banishment, Rasi has longed for redemption and a life of peace away from the brutal mountains he has called home for so many years. In her, he sees a chance for both.<br /><br />Now a ruthless army advances from the western sea. Elijah prepares for war. Quickly, the invaders annihilate his closest ally, exposing the flaws of Elijah’s similar plans for defense. He refuses to change course. With Epertase’s fall all but assured, the Light inside of **** awakens, setting into motion an event that will bring about Elijah’s end. But just as Elijah’s hope dwindles, a whispered legend reveals a way to stop what has been started. Determined to keep his life and throne, he has his daughter kidnapped with plans of her timely sacrifice.<br /><br />Rasi goes on the hunt. If he has to kill Elijah, the entire invading army, and the gods themselves to save her, he will turn the rivers to blood. As a soldier, he would have been formidable to any foe. With the violent tentacles on his back, he may be unstoppable. Epertase needs a new Queen, their army, a new leader. If Rasi succeeds, he will deliver both. But if he fails, his true love will die, he will hang, and Epertase will be destroyed.<br /><br />I am seeking representation for my 93,000-word fantasy novel, “The Light of Epertase.”<br /><br />Thank you for your consideration. <br /><br />Sincerely,Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-80324140217240644722009-10-15T14:15:24.334-04:002009-10-15T14:15:24.334-04:00What everyone else said, plus
Ripley is supposed t...What everyone else said, plus<br />Ripley is supposed to save the kingdom? All she does in the query is get kidnapped. And apparently, she can't even escape on her own, Rasi has to rescue her.<br /><br />How is she supposed to save the kingdom if she can't even beat some kidnappers?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-67229336328883672012009-10-14T12:43:21.548-04:002009-10-14T12:43:21.548-04:00Another fantasy author hanging himself with random...Another fantasy author hanging himself with random names. I also pictured Sigourney Weaver as the princess.<br /><br />It sounds like a fantasy, so call it that. Romance is the secondary plot.Matthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07681932402948885690noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-60564802301051915092009-10-13T02:05:38.020-04:002009-10-13T02:05:38.020-04:00"heir remover," Anonymous? I think you&..."heir remover," Anonymous? I think you're thinking of arsenic.<br /><br />anyway, the strange selection of names prevents me from getting any picture of the culture. Especially in a *royal* family, names tend to get recycled mercilessly, so at the moment i'm wondering what kind of culture this is where a king named elijah in a place where the mc is named rasi chooses to name his daughter ripley.<br /><br />I can't make any picture of this culture at all. I'm not suggesting stereotypes, just be aware that names are information, and 'Hrovath' does not conjure up the same mental picture as 'Fred.'Mother (Re)produces.https://www.blogger.com/profile/07685333905652373606noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-47821641798514265922009-10-12T23:18:40.057-04:002009-10-12T23:18:40.057-04:00"Epertase" sounds to me like a brand of ..."Epertase" sounds to me like a brand of heir remover...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-43060648997227945582009-10-12T21:30:29.545-04:002009-10-12T21:30:29.545-04:00The problem with queries for fantasy stories with ...The problem with queries for fantasy stories with touches of romantic elements, is you don't have time to explain both. If the fantasy (and all its genre elements) is the main story, you need to focus on it. Why is it fantasy? Is it just an alternate earth or is there magic? The reference to a "light within her soul" has me baffled. <br /><br />On the other hand, if its a romance novel (with all its genre elements and requirements) with fantasy elements (which it sounds more like) then focus on the romance. <br /><br />Right now, it doesn't seem like you've made a choice about what shelf this should sit on. <br /><br />The other thing that's hard about epic fantasy queries is there's about 1/2 dozen plots out there. Your job is to have your query show that there's something other than a cliche in your story. It's tough. I know. I've been working on a reasonable query for my fantasy novel with romanance elements for far too long. Anyway . . . . <br /><br />The Ripley's Believe It or Not was inspired. <br /><br />While I am sure there are good reasons why Elijah doesn't just kill the MCs, the reason's not clear in your query. <br /><br />I think you could delete the first two plot paragraphs since they are set up and start with the third. You probably should focus on either Ripley or Rasi as the MC. Something like: <br /><br />The kingdom of Epertase faces annihilation from an invading army. Princess Ripley knows that she can save the kingdom because (tell me why here and not just the soul light thing). But her father won't relinquish the throne. Exiled, Ripley . . . (what does she do? or does Rasi have to do everything?) Ultimately, Ripley and Rashi manage to depose her father. Ripley unleashes her wild magic and saves the world. <br /><br /><br />If Rasi is the main character focus on his trials and travails. Also, you might want to think about having two main characters whose names start with the same letter. For some people that's a real peeve. <br /><br />Good luck.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12237518808756712176noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-84474547716694967802009-10-12T19:04:32.760-04:002009-10-12T19:04:32.760-04:00I had a comment lost in the internet jumble of ele...I had a comment lost in the internet jumble of electrons too...<br /><br />I wanted to say that the query should focus on the saving of the kingdom or the love affair. This is either a love story in the middle of a war for power, or it's a fantasy epic about a kingdom being saved by some sort of magical warrior.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-71683840161037443592009-10-12T17:32:39.002-04:002009-10-12T17:32:39.002-04:00My comment seems to have vanished into the void, s...My comment seems to have vanished into the void, so here's another attempt. If the original suddenly appears above this, please disregard...<br /><br />- EE's questions cover most of what you need to address, and they are also the funniest thing I've read all day. "Princess Ripley's Believe It Or Not"--I'm dying here!<br /><br />- The names all seem uninspired at best. "Ripley" has already been castigated, but "King Elijah" sounds like a reject from a Sunday School play, while "Epertase" sounds like an industrial adhesive. <br /><br />- In the rewrite, I'd like to see how your plot is different from, you know, the plots of half the other Epic Fantasy books ever written. At the moment it looks like it was a choice between this and "Motley Characters must go on a Quest to Save the World from Ultimate Evil." Somehow I'm optimistic, though.Eric P.http://www.xanga.com/pass_the_auranoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-58313412164337520642009-10-12T13:45:42.247-04:002009-10-12T13:45:42.247-04:00I liked GTPs#2&3 - kudos
___
When the invader...I liked GTPs#2&3 - kudos<br />___<br /><br /><i>When the invaders annihilate Epertase’s closest neighbor in less than a day, it becomes obvious Elijah’s plans are doomed. </i><br /><br />This sounds odd to me because all the previous sentence says is he's preparing for war. Which plans are doomed? What exactly is he planning? To win the war? To defend his kingdom? Something else?<br /><br />Also, you claim the king's willing to kill his own daughter to stay in power, but he doesn't try to kill her, he has her kidnapped. The person he's blaiming everything on also hasn't been killed just banished. Where's the ruthless?Faceless Minionnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-55705274698189093452009-10-12T13:43:01.786-04:002009-10-12T13:43:01.786-04:00I've said this before, but try not to use prop...I've said this before, but try not to use proper names that look like spelling errors.150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-44163823837960673772009-10-12T12:25:42.097-04:002009-10-12T12:25:42.097-04:00Ditto on the Sigourney Weaver association. What a...Ditto on the Sigourney Weaver association. What adds to the jarring factor is that we suppose they called her Ripley because, in the quasi-military astronaut context of that movie people would generally be referred to by their last names. However, a princess is generally referred to by her first name because so many princess have the same last name. Which makes this name especially confusing here. Instead of thinking about your plot we're wondering -- why was this princess given the first name Ripley after the famous astronaut? Or what?<br /><br />How did you chose these names? It might be good to sit down and review each one and ask yourself if another name might possibly be more effective for helping readers envision the time/place and cast of your story, and if so, revise accordingly using the REPLACE function.<br /><br />This site might be helpful:<br /><br />http://www.s-gabriel.org/names/Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-14259890705549912362009-10-12T11:53:14.260-04:002009-10-12T11:53:14.260-04:00Ripley?
Sorry... I should have some more insightf...Ripley?<br /><br />Sorry... I should have some more insightful and constructive comments to make, but I'm afraid my brain's sort of stalled on Princess Ripley. I mean, my first thought is Sigourney Weaver in the "Alien" movies, and my second is Patricia Highsmith's anti-hero, and neither of them makes any sense to me in an epic fantasy context. Ripley?<br /><br />Come back, Satiety Wherret, all is forgiven.Steve Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09836762265698458170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-66640736216979655342009-10-12T11:19:28.885-04:002009-10-12T11:19:28.885-04:00Thank you so much for your comments. They are hila...Thank you so much for your comments. They are hilarious. Ripley's Believe it or not had me rolling. Luckily for my book, your questions are answered in a way that make sense. (Why Rasi was banished, why Elijah hates him, ect.)But unfortunately for my query, they obviously aren't.Douglashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16251119793321995975noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-64896842722996745332009-10-12T10:41:36.169-04:002009-10-12T10:41:36.169-04:00OK, so I couldn't get over the -tase suffix, w...OK, so I couldn't get over the -tase suffix, which, in modern science lingo, means the substance in question is an enzyme. And your plot might be wildly original and exciting if it was about an enzyme. But...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com