tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post6969975482708925418..comments2024-03-18T13:32:44.865-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 405Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-87771840439383157242007-08-23T20:31:00.000-04:002007-08-23T20:31:00.000-04:00Oh dear. Finding good entertainers is as hard as f...Oh dear. Finding good entertainers is as hard as finding good query letters these days. <BR/><BR/>Ah, Pacatrue,<BR/>Tell me, do,<BR/>What would we do<BR/>Without you?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-42201670219187517772007-08-23T19:24:00.000-04:002007-08-23T19:24:00.000-04:00I like the title very much, just not for the book ...I like the title very much, just not for the book this query is about. Girls as MCs with ponies means you're de facto targeting girls. Girls <I>want</I> to read about ponies but not necessarily about trees. Maybe get the pony's name or the word "pony" into the title. Obscure doesn't work so well with the wee ones.<BR/><BR/>Your transition issues (EE says jumping from idea to idea) really need to be dealt with. The paragraphs don't seem like they even belong together. For instance, the jump from Magic to the girls suddenly being imprisoned on an island (why isn't Magic imprisoned with them) is very jarring. Then all of a sudden in the next paragraph the girls are finding the stallion in Jaice's dreams and the secret to the curse. Where did either of those come from? Does the stallion know the secret to the curse? How are these things related? <BR/><BR/>And what happened to Magic? She seems to be the lynchpin, but disappears halfway through the query.<BR/><BR/>Part of the problem with giving too much plot in the query is that you're bound to be left with plot holes. If you bring something up in paragraph one, it needs to be resolved by the end. If you don't bring it up, you don't need the resolution. <BR/><BR/>Now, you've kept the language of the query simple, which is the right feel for a chapter book, but it isn't very exciting. Too factual (maybe all that non-fiction you've been writing, eh?). It could use some spice. And a lot of tightening. That first paragraph, for example, could go something like this:<BR/><BR/><I>When ten-year-old Jaice and her older sister Joscelyn saddle up their pony, Magic carries them across a mysterious river to a world where animals talk and trees sing songs with hidden messages. This isn't a peaceful world, though, as the sisters find out when centaurs capture them and imprison them on an island in the middle of the enchanted river that can only be crossed by [magical beings].</I>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-14527430560785657902007-08-23T19:23:00.000-04:002007-08-23T19:23:00.000-04:00Toss off? Children aren't short adults. The older...Toss off? Children aren't short adults. The older they get, the more information they demand. When they're very young, they don't care how long Sleeping Beauty could live without intravenous feeding if the prince doesn't show up in time. An avid, adult mystery reader would want to know what kind of poison was used.WouldBehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17384050055381698411noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-39374741851962614422007-08-23T19:07:00.000-04:002007-08-23T19:07:00.000-04:00The songs the trees sing: Woody Guthrie.What did t...The songs the trees sing: Woody Guthrie.<BR/><BR/>What did the lonesome tree sing to his sweetheart in another forest? I pine for you.<BR/><BR/>What did his friends call the tree who sang love songs all the time? Sappy.<BR/><BR/>What did the kind critic say about the tree actor? His performance was wooden.<BR/><BR/>Why couldn't the tree family get any sleep? Their pet tree barked all night.<BR/><BR/>What's a tree's favorite Sesame Street character? Grover.<BR/><BR/>Favorite deodorizer? Glade.<BR/><BR/>Favorite female name? Maple.<BR/><BR/>Favorite male name? Ash.<BR/><BR/>What nickname makes all the school trees snicker? Woodie.<BR/><BR/>What did the blogger trees say to each other when they saw paca's puns on EE? Let's leave. <BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/>Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Tip your browsers well.pacatruehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04125048243775811714noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-79581515545486152212007-08-23T13:06:00.000-04:002007-08-23T13:06:00.000-04:00This isn't the first time I've seen a tossoff comm...This isn't the first time I've seen a tossoff comment along the lines of "it's just middle grade, so X problem probably isn't an issue." That's a fallacy. In my experience, it's harder to write for kids than for adults. The editing is more hands-on, and the writing has to be right on target. If the logic is strange, it has to be consistently so. Lazy writing and bad writing are not acceptable.<BR/><BR/>As for this beginning, the My Little Pony aspects make me think this is possibly a chapter book or early middle grade. Am I right? (I own that stallion. He's the Platonic archetype of the My Little Pony. I wouldn't put him up against a lion, but his kill rate on rabbits and birds is pretty impressive.)<BR/><BR/>It's a fairly standard story, but if it's done well, it will be an enjoyable read.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-55311609238437531832007-08-23T11:04:00.000-04:002007-08-23T11:04:00.000-04:00If the kids are necessary to the story, why are th...If the kids are necessary to the story, why are they required? I presume (reading between the lines) that Magic the magical pony kidnaps them in order to use them to aid her cause??? (Maybe becasue people have hands. Could it be that simple?)<BR/><BR/>Anyhow, what EE and December said.<BR/><BR/>I think the title isn't working with the query, either. What you describe and what the title implies are vastly different to me.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-31970692155698991762007-08-23T09:25:00.000-04:002007-08-23T09:25:00.000-04:00For me, this land of singing trees needs more to d...For me, this land of singing trees needs more to distinguish it from Narnia, as, going by the query, there are many similarities. Children get there accidentally, the animals talk, there's centaurs, and there's a curse and fighting over who's in control, and sibling rivalry. The book probably isn't anything like the Narnia stories, but that isn't coming across. What makes this book different? Tell us.<BR/><BR/>If Magic's filly isn't weaned, how has she survived? If she is weaned, how come Magic hasn't forgotten her? Or are these horses in name only?nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-6260470385933246712007-08-23T09:13:00.000-04:002007-08-23T09:13:00.000-04:00um...Adonai? As in "Lord?" I don't usually pick on...um...Adonai? As in "Lord?" I don't usually pick on names, but that one brought me up short, making me think we were in religious territory all of a sudden.<BR/><BR/>-mbAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-71139351221806231072007-08-23T08:46:00.000-04:002007-08-23T08:46:00.000-04:00And no one has yet made a joke about mourning for ...And no one has yet made a joke about mourning for Adonai?<BR/><BR/>I think the story sounds fun, at its core--the kind of adventure I would have liked as a kid. Unfortunately, this business with ponies fighting lions (and somehow winning?) and people who are or aren't allowed to cross the mysterious river and how the foal got there to begin with I just don't get.<BR/><BR/>It sounds like the animals are having the adventure, not the children--they just sort of watch, and then the boy shows up and they try to rescue the sister, but all the world-building just goes on around them; they don't actually become part of it.<BR/><BR/>JMO.Staciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07969399927758009095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-60979244833915979072007-08-23T07:59:00.000-04:002007-08-23T07:59:00.000-04:00What EE said.The curse: this curse is just on the ...What EE said.<BR/><BR/>The curse: this curse is just on the land where trees sing (probably laments, considering the curse), right? So, if it was remarkable that Magic had a filly, it must be that Magic had the filly in LWTS and had been there enough to have met what I would have to consider a deadbeat stallion, since he has not shown up to help his filly and mare. Magic has had quite a closet life; wouldn't Jaice or Joselyn have noticed the pregnancy?<BR/><BR/>I guess if this story is for middle graders, the above logic issues probably don't matter.<BR/><BR/>Grae seems like an afterthought, baggage. He shows up late in the story, only to be saved by Jaice. <BR/><BR/>I guess I'd rather hear a bit more about why the land where trees sing is in such conflict than all the nitty-gritty details of the quest.WouldBehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17384050055381698411noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-5249196513188880342007-08-23T06:10:00.000-04:002007-08-23T06:10:00.000-04:00Sounds cute, but you've thrown too much at us. Inc...Sounds cute, but you've thrown too much at us. Include word count and, as EE suggests, an idea as to what age group the book is for.<BR/><BR/>Just one nit--why spell the names Jaice and Grae?Lynn Sinclairhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07033551915991015255noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-6212647269606461852007-08-23T05:43:00.000-04:002007-08-23T05:43:00.000-04:00Pony v Lion, right up there with Zombie v Shark. A...Pony v Lion, right up there with Zombie v Shark. And probably just as weird.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-10018636840064088512007-08-23T02:35:00.000-04:002007-08-23T02:35:00.000-04:00This may be a logic problem, but...If there are no...This may be a logic problem, but...<BR/>If there are no females in the land, where did the lioness come from??Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-86080749400884240802007-08-23T00:03:00.000-04:002007-08-23T00:03:00.000-04:00and trees sing songs with hidden messages.Tra-la-l...<I>and trees sing songs with hidden messages.</I><BR/><BR/>Tra-la-la <I>(Look, another horse.)</I><BR/>La-la-la-la <I>(Do it again, Benny.)</I><BR/>Tra-la-la <I>(Hoof glue says what?)</I><BR/>La-la-la-la <I>(Tee-hee-hee)</I><BR/><BR/>There's something interesting in this story idea, but I can't figure it out from the query. It's all over the place. I'd also shoot for weird sounding names spelled plainly, rather than plain sounding names spelled weirdly.Blogless Trollhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03983848259551488867noreply@blogger.com