tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post6875882758022982140..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1231Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-48454864978079879532014-10-30T14:45:05.989-04:002014-10-30T14:45:05.989-04:00Blogger seems to have eaten my response, so here&#...Blogger seems to have eaten my response, so here' stake two:<br /><br />This is simultaneously too much and not enough. The first paragraph is crammed with stuff, but without a story or an interesting character to connect it all, it doesn't add up to anything. It's confusing, not compelling.<br /><br />What makes me hopeful is that the Guess the Plot summary is actually intriguing. There's no unresolved references to Xandra being a 600 year old Frenchwoman, no vague threats of a looming war, and no cryptic list of Xandra's assets; just the single mystery of why the one guy amnesiac Xandra can remember is calling her sweetheart when the only thing she knows about him suggests she should want to strangle him.<br /><br />Dump what you have and start over with query basics. Who is Xandra? Why do I want to spend however many pages long your book is reading about her? What does she want? How does she go about trying to get what she wants? What or who is in her way? What choices does Xandra face, or what will happen if she does or doesn't achieve her goal?<br /><br />Add title, genre, and word count and you'll at least have a good starting point.InkAndPixelClubhttp://ladiesofcomicazi.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-39849772285889314262014-10-30T10:04:41.234-04:002014-10-30T10:04:41.234-04:00Possibly she's been alive 600 years but awake...Possibly she's been alive 600 years but awakened from an amnesia-causing head injury suffered a few days ago. This is why we need more information.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-69634916066796540852014-10-30T09:46:17.630-04:002014-10-30T09:46:17.630-04:00Also if she has awoken from 600 years ago (still n...Also if she has awoken from 600 years ago (still not sure about timeframes so so assuming back in the 1400s?) then doubt Xandra would say 'the guy' - not how they spoke back then.KJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01660362587750281673noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-31516566293630435072014-10-29T23:18:15.648-04:002014-10-29T23:18:15.648-04:00The synopsis was too vague to inspire any interest...The synopsis was too vague to inspire any interest in me. The excerpt makes the book sound interesting, but the many punctuation errors make me think the book would be painful to read. Try to get more of the interesting details into the plot summary plot so we have some specific idea what's going on, and learn a lot more about punctuation.<br /><br />Khazar - I believe that last part is the guy talking. There's a definite snarky tone in the dialogue, which I like.SBnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-25699800544074818302014-10-29T15:21:28.850-04:002014-10-29T15:21:28.850-04:00When writing dialog, the words of two people never...When writing dialog, the words of two people never, ever, fall into the same paragraph. You give each speaker their own paragraph for clarity.<br /><br />This:<br />Excerpt - " Took me 600 years to find you Xandra Donato and I don't plan on letting you go now. " The guard removes his helmet with a grim smile. Cold chills run down my back, it's a face all too familiar. " Remember me sweetheart? " " I'm not sure, weren't you that guy who never amounted to anything? The guy who was supposed to marry my best friend and ended up killing her? " " Ahh yes, that I remember. " <br /><br />should read:<br /><br />" Took me 600 years to find you Xandra Donato and I don't plan on letting you go now. " The guard removes his helmet with a grim smile. Cold chills run down my back, it's a face all too familiar. " Remember me sweetheart? "<br /><br />" I'm not sure, weren't you that guy who never amounted to anything? The guy who was supposed to marry my best friend and ended up killing her? "<br /><br /> " Ahh yes, that I remember. " <br /><br />(I'm not sure who's speaking here, so I've put it by itself even though it sounds like it should be Xandra.)<br /><br />This is a big pet peeve of mine, and it's a rule violation that's become all too common.khazarkhumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-85292118397207683372014-10-29T13:46:29.883-04:002014-10-29T13:46:29.883-04:00A little confused by the time period here. 600 ye...A little confused by the time period here. 600 years ago is when? Now is when?<br /><br />Brief research shows Xandra is a Dutch shortening of Alexandra, French versions would be Sacha or Sandrine. Donato is an Italian name. Unless 600 hundred years ago was modern times, the names are throwing me.<br /><br />Everything here is set up. What happens?<br /><br />Also contradicting yourself saying she doesn't remember and then that she does remember (unless it's the guy that remembers? In which case, why is that important?) is also confusing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com