tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post6685338897852799405..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 570Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-24722015186037092262008-11-07T13:25:00.000-05:002008-11-07T13:25:00.000-05:00Very distinctive voice here. A nice job of setting...Very distinctive voice here. A nice job of setting up an intriguing situation and a nice word-picture of Dewi. I found the mingling of different slangs a bit disconcerting, so I'm probably not the target audience.<BR/>-Barbarabatgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-3148393720807731482008-11-06T12:11:00.000-05:002008-11-06T12:11:00.000-05:00Thanks for the comments, everyone.I guess I need t...Thanks for the comments, everyone.<BR/><BR/>I guess I need to clarify: <BR/><BR/>The setting is a courtroom in the U.S. You learn in the next paragraph that the narrator is arguing Dewi's immigration case to avoid deportation.Emilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12085582928553622678noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52563636242395518782008-11-05T21:29:00.000-05:002008-11-05T21:29:00.000-05:00I liked the continuation. Gave me a good laugh, wh...I liked the continuation. Gave me a good laugh, which I always enjoy.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-76131814250184173902008-11-05T18:50:00.000-05:002008-11-05T18:50:00.000-05:00Agreed about the first two sentences being disconn...Agreed about the first two sentences being disconnected, and that the Indonesian childhood is unimportant at this stage (as well as an awkward, tacked-on phrase). Find another way to show this is Jakarta up front. <BR/><BR/>Indonesia is such a visually colourful culture and lush tropical area; siting our first introduction to the narrator in a geographically inert courtroom seems an odd choice. Doubtless there's a reason for the courtroom, but I'd like to see a bit more local colour. <BR/><BR/>Unless there's a Jakarta, Illinois I don't know about, and this really is as Anglo-American a tale as the clothing, shoes, law firm and judge's name all indicate? In which case, I gotta say, you've just lost my attention completely.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-31247328740271378452008-11-04T21:30:00.000-05:002008-11-04T21:30:00.000-05:00"My Indonesian childhood" makes it sound as though..."My Indonesian childhood" makes it sound as though the narrator is now living somewhere else. Then we learn that she is in Jakarta. Needs fixing.talpiannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13978075304795724185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-85277133372784363712008-11-04T14:48:00.000-05:002008-11-04T14:48:00.000-05:00Nice opening.But go sit in a courtroom one day. R...Nice opening.<BR/><BR/>But go sit in a courtroom one day. Rarely are lawyers attractive :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-70768278341905502072008-11-04T14:27:00.000-05:002008-11-04T14:27:00.000-05:00Not sure about the choice of "whiff" when referrin...Not sure about the choice of "whiff" when referring to a history of sex work. Unless it is supposed to be funny. But still. Reads gross.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-48964600467413801392008-11-04T11:42:00.000-05:002008-11-04T11:42:00.000-05:00I like the opening sentence and I like what I thin...I like the opening sentence and I like what I think is being set up. It all holds together nicely. However, I think this opening is sedentary. <BR/><BR/>I want to point out one thing that does disturb me - there are five "b" sounds in one sentence in the second paragraph.<BR/>"...Celeste permitted me to schlep her royal <B>b</B>riefcase to the <B>b</B>ar. <B>B</B>ut, I was a <B>b</B>utt filling a seat, al<B><I>b</I></B>eit an upscale derrière..."<BR/><BR/>These B's combined with the plethora of "p" sounds reminded me of pork butts and chitlins. But that's another story about Butts. Replace but with "however" cures the humor problem. <BR/><BR/>If you want it humorous, then make it: <I>...Celeste permitted me to schlep her royal briefcase to the bar. However, I was but a butt filling a seat, albeit an upscale derrière at two hundred bucks an hour.</I> <BR/>Now that makes the wordplay more fun and the alliterative b,b,b,b,b,b,b draws attention to itself. <BR/>One more thought, since you use "Schlep" you might want to replace the (oh so very french) derrière with the Yiddish - tuckus. There is a big difference between the two words and since I know so little about your character, you get to decide.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-66719098116241169032008-11-04T10:17:00.000-05:002008-11-04T10:17:00.000-05:00I had the same thought as EE about sentence two. ...I had the same thought as EE about sentence two. It doesn't logically follow from sentence one at all.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-3048090558524102042008-11-04T10:03:00.000-05:002008-11-04T10:03:00.000-05:00Overall, I like this as an opening.Sentence two ha...Overall, I like this as an opening.<BR/><BR/>Sentence two has nothing to do with sentence one. Move it to the front of paragraph 2. <BR/><BR/>I'd change "this trembling fourth year associate" to "me." It's clear she's nervous, and her year/position can be mentioned later.<BR/><BR/>Do you want legal beagle or legal eagle?Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-31762262458341850082008-11-04T09:50:00.000-05:002008-11-04T09:50:00.000-05:00Some unchosen continuations:Suddenly, I heard musi...Some unchosen continuations:<BR/><BR/><BR/>Suddenly, I heard music. No, it couldn't be. Opposing counsel couldn't be that diabolical. My head swiveled around frantically, looking for its source.<BR/><BR/>"Lookin' for some hot stuff baby this evenin'," warbled Donna Summer.<BR/><BR/>I could see my client starting to twitch.<BR/><BR/>"I need some hot stuff baby tonight," Donna moaned.<BR/><BR/>My client slipped out of her jacket.<BR/><BR/>"I want some hot stuff baby this evenin'"<BR/><BR/>Before I knew it, she was doing a full-on striptease in front of God and the Honorable Anthony Williams.<BR/><BR/>I was finished at Lord and Brooks. I would never live this down. It was time to go out on my own.<BR/><BR/>--anon.<BR/><BR/><BR/>But her garish makeup, the way she winked at the men in the room, and her overwhelming perfume gave her away.<BR/><BR/>That, and the fact that she was pregnant with the Judge's child. <BR/><BR/>--Khazar-khum<BR/><BR/><BR/>Her perfume, contrariwise, struck my olfactory organs with the multifarious intensity of the fishmarket of my Indonesian apprenticeship. The Honorable Anthony Williams had escaped Celeste on the previous occasion, but once Dewi wafted her way to his bench, the exploding nose curse would claim its last victim. <BR/><BR/>--Batgirl<BR/><BR/>The Honorable Anthony Williams sighed. "So, let me see if I have this straight? The pimps and madams of the red-light district have brought suit against Lord & Brooks, claiming that the law firm's practice of hiring unreasonably attractive and ceaselessly bed-hopping attorneys is unfair competition? Mr. David E. Kelley, what is your opening statement?" <BR/><BR/>--Batgirl<BR/><BR/><BR/>It was unfortunate, however, that the same could not be said for the cheap scent she had evidently bathed in: that screamed Kramat Tunggak hooker all the way. I pried my gaze away from her neon lipstick that pulsated around a wad of gum and sighed as the judge entered the courtroom. My first case wasn't going to be easy. <BR/><BR/>--Anon.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.com