tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post6506207019370082272..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 363Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-91064332437484871222007-09-17T14:00:00.000-04:002007-09-17T14:00:00.000-04:00Being the anal retentive secre--er, administrative...Being the anal retentive secre--er, administrative assist--administrative professional that I am (no, really), that comma in the first sentence really bugged me.<BR/><BR/>As there's no use for it, please delete it. On the other hand, what Bernita said is a good thing: When addressing someone, you should put a comma before their name.<BR/><BR/>I like the mood and tone of this, and I think I know what you're getting at with the character names.<BR/><BR/>The one you've tagged "Cal" calls the other "Mr. Raerdon". I'm guessing that Cal is pissed to see the other guy at his door. I mean, when a little kid does something wrong, don't you address him/her with his/her full name?<BR/><BR/>That's what I get out of that exchange, anyway.<BR/><BR/>Maybe just a bit more detail is needed here so I figure out when this took place (contemporary, back in the 1800s, the 1960s, whatever) - unless that comes along in the next couple of paragraphs.<BR/><BR/>I'd read on.<BR/><BR/>~jerseygirlNancy Beckhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06214579721075450777noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-63380234983064731752007-09-16T16:45:00.000-04:002007-09-16T16:45:00.000-04:00When I read that first line, the comma stands out ...When I read that first line, the comma stands out as being wrong. It's got no justification being there. Bad comma! bad!<BR/><BR/>I also don't know what "in the least" is meant to tell me. Maybe it's a colloquialism that hasn't reached Britland yet.<BR/><BR/>Overall, I felt this opening was trying a bit too hard--it's straining for deep and meaningful but a more straightforward style would probably suit it better.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-42148227297963781132007-09-16T15:18:00.000-04:002007-09-16T15:18:00.000-04:00I liked this for tone and voice. Some inconsistenc...I liked this for tone and voice. Some inconsistencies as pointed out by EE and DAve, but overall, I liked it and would definitely keep reading as it has my interest.Ello - Ellen Ohhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18311917335471167591noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-29870068814823527232007-09-15T14:43:00.000-04:002007-09-15T14:43:00.000-04:00I found this opening kind of confusing. The names,...I found this opening kind of confusing. The names, the bill collector reference, the failure reference. On many points I found it difficult to orient myself, and there isn't enough here to guess what the author is going after. I'd read more to see if it cleared my confusion, but I'm willing to bet the opening could be crisper.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-83853961385427956832007-09-15T13:10:00.000-04:002007-09-15T13:10:00.000-04:00Is it "How do you fare, Mr Raerdon" or "How do you...Is it "How do you fare, Mr Raerdon" or "How do you, fair Mr. Raerdon" ?<BR/>Either way, you need a comma.Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-85673180245925262112007-09-15T12:43:00.000-04:002007-09-15T12:43:00.000-04:00Two things really bothered me. First the bill coll...Two things really bothered me. <BR/>First the bill collector reference. I am guessing the same as EE this is a man approaching a vampire. Collecting a bill from a vampire is hard enough. This implies the vampire might be bankrupt of whatever the "last chance to make his dream come true it." <BR/><BR/>Second, there is "Cal" and "Mr Reardon" a very strange familiarity problem. Cal implies friendship. Mr Reardon implies mere formality and a passing acquaintance. Add the journey of Reardon to Cal and it left me wondering. I'm guessing that "cackled" meant an old voice, high pitched and gravely of a senior citizen? That doesn't square with "Cal".<BR/><BR/>Maybe you intend that the reader wonder about these two things. I think that they pull the reader out of the gloomy and forbidding mood. Whatever Reardon came to "get" is going to be the subject of the next portion of their conversation. If they don't talk about it directly, they'll talk around it.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-32733279014794647482007-09-15T09:50:00.000-04:002007-09-15T09:50:00.000-04:00Effective in setting the tone--assuming we're goin...Effective in setting the tone--assuming we're going for the tone of someone visiting Dracula's castle. Here are some suggestions:<BR/><BR/>p1 +2: Change "idiot" to "fool" both times.<BR/><BR/>Change "fool" to "man."<BR/><BR/>p3: Delete. Has no meaning if we aren't told what he's failing at.<BR/><BR/>p4: change "broke free" to "pulled back."<BR/><BR/>p5: I don't like "Cal cackled." Apparently they know each other? Seems odd one says Mr. Raerdon, the other says Cal. And cackling sounds unexpectedly comical. Is Cal a giant chicken?<BR/><BR/>p6: Personally, I'm not crazy about stuttering to show fear. We already know he's uneasy.<BR/><BR/>p.7: Insert "would" between I and hate. Change "welcomed" to "welcome" (or "much anticipated")Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-88640689164468188352007-09-15T09:24:00.000-04:002007-09-15T09:24:00.000-04:00Unchosen continuations:"D-do ... y-you always rip ...Unchosen continuations:<BR/><BR/><BR/>"D-do ... y-you always rip the door f-from it's hinges?" I stammered. His eyes rested in his sockets and the lids crashed down from their heights.<BR/><BR/>"Huzzah, my fine traveler! Let's not mince words when your fair countenance is so weary and hirsute." My foolishness left me like a bill collector chased from my penniless doorstep as Cal's hands went to his gaping mouth. Finally, years after the accident left my arms lifeless, my dream of smooth cheeks was within reach.<BR/><BR/>Cal removed his canines with a smart snap! and said, "Let's get you a wee shave before our most joyous evening moves forward!" <BR/><BR/>--ML<BR/><BR/><BR/>So I decided to sit down and breathe some rap into my next song: U CAN touch this.<BR/><BR/>Yo! I told you<BR/>U can touch this<BR/>Why you standing there, man?<BR/>U can touch this<BR/>Yo,sound the bells, school is in, sucker<BR/>U can touch this<BR/>Give me a song or rhythm<BR/>Making 'em sweat<BR/>That's what I'm giving'em<BR/>Now they know<BR/>You talk about the Hammer, you're talking about a show<BR/>That's hyped and tight<BR/>Singers are sweating so pass them a wipe<BR/>Or a tape to learn<BR/>What it is going to take in the '90s<BR/>To burn the charts<BR/>Legit either work hard or you might as well quit<BR/><BR/>That's the word,because you know<BR/>U can touch this<BR/>U can touch this<BR/><BR/>Break it down<BR/><BR/>Stop. . . Hammer time<BR/><BR/>--Church LadyEvil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.com