tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post6389061145294216148..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1160Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-27195990913803647462014-02-15T11:13:16.399-05:002014-02-15T11:13:16.399-05:00Sarah,
You should start the query with “six-year-...Sarah,<br /><br />You should start the query with “six-year-old Agnes Marie”. And K Hutton is right about starting the story there too. <br /><br />Add a word or two in the first sentence to draw the reader into the scene at the orphanage. Something like: “Six-year-old Agnes Marie watches from the orphanage <i>window</i> as new parents come for babies …” The reader will imagine the scene with a little girl’s face looking out from the second story window. The addition of one or two words can do that. <br /><br />In the second sentence, change ‘never’ to ‘without’ and drop ‘off on’.<br /><br />Drop “As the years go by,”. It takes the read out of the scene. Then “She dreams of one day confronting …”. And drop ‘here’ because the reader knows where she is.<br /><br />Drop the last sentence “Once … deserves.” It comes out as: <br /><br />Six-year-old Agnes Marie watches from the orphanage window as new parents come for babies, but no one asks for her. She can’t be adopted because her mother abandoned her without signing some piece of paper. She dreams of one day confronting the monsters who left her. When she turns eighteen, she breaks into the priest’s office and gets her parent’s names. <br /><br />That is all the setup you need. What’s the main conflict? What happens?<br />Mister Furkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07156977719916770984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-65835394492897187582014-02-15T09:33:17.222-05:002014-02-15T09:33:17.222-05:00Whether or not you've pulled off the 18-year g...Whether or not you've pulled off the 18-year gap in the book, I agree that the query should focus on Ag or Agnes Marie. (Do they <i>have</i> to have the same name?)<br /><br />As it is, you spend two thirds of the query explaining how AgMarie came to live in an orphanage when you could just say: After 18 years in an orphanage, AgMarie wants revenge. Revenge on the monsters who abandoned her here, revenge on the system, and especially revenge on Sister Flatula. <br /><br />Or whatever she wants. That leaves plenty of room to tell us how she goes about seeking answers and how she deals with those answers. <br /><br />This, of course, assumes that 18-year-old AgMarie doesn't make her first appearance in the last chapter.Evil Editornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52109284142329333022014-02-14T15:58:05.020-05:002014-02-14T15:58:05.020-05:00Is this told strictly chronologically? I dunno......Is this told strictly chronologically? I dunno... it feels like the story could start with orphan Agnes Marie and the rest be revealed throughout the novel, or even be told in parallel fashion with strategic flashbacks. But it seems really awkward to have maybe 40% of a story be with one set of characters and then jump forward 18 years to someone who basically becomes the new protag--making the reader feel like they just slogged through 140 pages of, essentially, set-up. <br /><br />Is the mother or the daughter the true MC? Even in ensemble cast stories, there's the one who ultimately matters most. If it's the daughter, I wouldn't want that much time with the mother first.<br /><br />Ann Patchett basically did what you're describing with Patron Saint of Liars. It was a beautifully written book, and I STILL thought the big time jump/MC jump was awkward when she did it. It was also her first novel.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08771522093319083163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-42932717554445066332014-02-14T11:09:08.591-05:002014-02-14T11:09:08.591-05:00Your initial explanation is better than the revise...Your initial explanation is better than the revised query. You’re still giving us set up. Here’s what we know: <br />In 1929, fun-loving Ag Kelly heads looks for fun on the dance floor and finds true love instead. She never intends to become pregnant, but when she does, her Catholic family refuses to allow her to marry the Jewish father of her child. <br />Instead, she’s shipped off to a home for unwed mothers and coerced into giving up the child. Ag leaves her daughter there, and remains unwed and heartbroken, a self-punishment she feels she deserves. <br />Eighteen years later, Agnes Marie plots revenge on the parents who abandoned her yet refused to allow her adoption. She’s been looked down on her entire life and she wants answers. She breaks into the orphanage files and learns their identities and last known addresses. <br />Then stuff happens here such that it looks like Agnes will never find her mother. It looks like Ag will die an old, unforgiven woman. <br />Then Fred returns and reunites them. He shows them how he’s orchestrated events in their lives for the past twenty years and now they can all be together as one happy family. <br />See how it all falls down when you don’t tell us what stuff happens or how it’s all resolved?PLaFnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-29509927618158814342014-02-14T10:37:32.889-05:002014-02-14T10:37:32.889-05:00Hi, Sarah. Okay, so you're working from a true...Hi, Sarah. Okay, so you're working from a true story. Maybe it's a family story, or maybe it's something someone told to you. But either way, it's up against a humongous obstacle, which is this:<br /><br />Reality doesn't have to make sense. Fiction does.<br /><br />So it sounds now like what you're describing is a protagonist who doesn't protag, and doesn't make her choices in a way acceptable to the 21st century mind.<br /><br />Try not to be annoyed by that observation, please.... Of course she doesn't, because the real person, the neighbor or relative or whoever she was, didn't <i>have</i> a 21st century mind. But see, that's just the kind of challenge you get when novelizing reality. Your potential readers have 21st century minds. <br /><br />The trope of the couple whose love overcomes societal taboos is compelling enough for fiction. The reality of a couple who cave to the taboo... well, it might have appeal if done right, but I'm from Missouri, and so are the agents and editors.<br /><br />117k is still awfully long.<br /><br />Try to focus the query on just one character and her goals.<br /><br />By the way, your description of the story in your preface to the query seemed clearer than that in the query itself, for what that's worth.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-53039759176294041222014-02-14T09:00:17.600-05:002014-02-14T09:00:17.600-05:00Hello. Sorry this took so long. As I wrote to Ev...Hello. Sorry this took so long. As I wrote to Evil Editor, it's important to me to get this query right and any suggestions you have are welcome. Your previous comments were helpful. Unintended is based on a true story and, as written, covers 40 years. I've edited out a great deal of the story (down to 117K words) Basic plot: In 1929, Catholic girl falls in love with Jewish neighbor, gets pregnant, is afraid her family will find out (it is NOT an option to marry him), goes to home for unwed mothers, walks away from daughter, spends rest of her life accepting the heartache as the punishment she deserves. She never marries, never stops loving the man, and can't forget her daughter. In the meantime, the daughter is determined to find her mother and demand to know why she left her. For 40 years, their lives are unknowingly intertwined and eventually they are reunited by the man. Now, after much ado, this is the revised query. Have at it! All suggestions welcomed!<br />During Prohibition, Ag Kelly heads out for a night on the town. She’s a flapper looking for a dance floor and some bathtub gin, but instead she finds Fred Weinberg, a neighbor she’s known for years. He’s older, charming, and suddenly she can’t keep away from him. He’s absolutely perfect with one exception: he’s Jewish and that will never fly with her Catholic family. <br /><br />They fall in love and when Ag turns up pregnant, she has no choice but to leave town and enter a home for unwed mothers. After her daughter is born, she wants to keep her, but if she does, her secret is out and there isn't much future for a sinner with a bastard child. But if she walks away, she’ll be forgiven for what she’s done and forget all about her daughter. At least that’s what she’s told. <br /><br />Six-year-old Agnes Marie watches from the orphanage as new parents come for babies, but no one asks to see her. She can’t be adopted because her mother abandoned her, never signing off on some piece of paper. As the years go by, she dreams of confronting the monsters who left her here. When she turns eighteen, she breaks into the priest’s office and gets her parent’s names. Once she finds them, she’ll demand answers she deserves.<br /><br />What she doesn't know is just how close they are.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01475172888333731791noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-91756309702291969542013-10-14T02:09:47.152-04:002013-10-14T02:09:47.152-04:00This seems to be too long for what it is. It's...This seems to be too long for what it is. It's women's fiction right? I think 75k is a good length for those books. Have you rewritten this three times plus edited it over 100 times while tearing your hair out and going mad? I read somewhere you should do that before it's even remotely ready.<br /><br />Don't be afraid to give away stuff on this website. Have you read the archives and fake plots? The reality is no one cares about your book's plot except you, and your potential agent/editor, and your future readers/fans.CavalierdeNuithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09862976676163347369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-7128895966116448392013-10-10T20:44:05.873-04:002013-10-10T20:44:05.873-04:00Hello everyone and thank you for the feedback. Yo...Hello everyone and thank you for the feedback. Your comments are all constructive and point to what I need to revise. I left out a HUGE part of the plot because, as noted above, I was afraid to give away too much. Please check back as I will revise in the next couple of days and would truly appreciate your additional review. BTW, I laughed at Evil Editor's question about adding Ebola to the package insert. I'd try to slip Ebola in, but it's the dang drug companies who hire lawyers and physicians to make sure the rest of us don't do that. That's why drugs cost so much! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-56984703750088670362013-10-10T16:37:03.933-04:002013-10-10T16:37:03.933-04:00Your government shut down appears to have affected...Your government shut down appears to have affected the comments section, too.<br /><br />I agree with what EE said, the plot seems a little thin. I'm sure there's more to it. Most seem to err on the side of providing too much detail, however, this sounds like a short story.<br /><br />As it's an historical romance, I would suggest you add info about the era and the consequences of being excommunicated by the Catholic church. My Catholic mother-in-law married a Jewish fellow in the 60's. Neither converted to the other's faith, yet the wedding was presided over by a priest in the church, from what I understand the priest compromised - he did not conduct a Catholic mass (or whatever they do when Catholics marry one other) yet he blessed the union. I'm sure there was some controversy in the family when they announced their engagement, but nothing as strong as Ag's familiy's reaction (I suspect that there was a sympathy factor here, as he had lost his entire family in the holocaust). The couple had three kids and remained together until he passed away a few years ago.Jo-Ann Shttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18027989147411624378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-34407706435107958182013-10-10T14:27:21.082-04:002013-10-10T14:27:21.082-04:00Yay! Twenties fic!
Catholic/Jewish marriages have...Yay! Twenties fic!<br /><br />Catholic/Jewish marriages have been going on for centuries. What Jewish sect does he hail from? I'd assume he can't be Hasidic, but I could be wrong. What's her ethnicity? Irish? In the 20s, an Irish girl would be expected to go be a nurse or teacher. Does her mother have a 'suitable' match in mind for her? <br /><br />What's his new job going to be? That might matter to her parents.<br /><br />How old are these people? I'd guess early 20s, but it's hard to tell. <br /><br />You've given me the basic blurb of a romance, but I have no idea how the plot unfolds.khazar-khumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-587114268368707112013-10-10T13:18:25.355-04:002013-10-10T13:18:25.355-04:00What bothers me the most about this query is that ...What bothers me the most about this query is that Ag is not clearly defined. What are her goals? What drives her to push the boundaries with her parents. What does she lack in her life? Is Fred the answer or part of the problem?<br />Religious differences can make a relationship difficult, but what make this relationship compelling enough to make readers want to read it?<br />Forbidden romance makes things spicy, there has to be a better reason to pursue one than he’s a good kisser. What makes her want to kiss him in the first place? <br />PLaFnoreply@blogger.com