tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post6369001635376409373..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1256Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-35752339689478556832015-05-05T17:18:16.165-04:002015-05-05T17:18:16.165-04:00The description of the body's expression made ...The description of the body's expression made me think he was killed by the Joker. Does he just look like was happy or does he have an unnatural rictus grin? Right now, I get the impression of the latter.<br /><br />I find some of the language in this to be corny, cutesy, and off-putting, such as the "say cheese" and "fib" parts. I think this would be cleared up if you just said more clearly what you mean. I know you want to inject voice, but personally (and I do read YA), I find this particular voice unappealing.SBnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-61204996009110272082015-05-02T13:10:21.664-04:002015-05-02T13:10:21.664-04:00When I read the line about the "too-wide smil...When I read the line about the "too-wide smile splitting the man's face," I imagined a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glasgow_smile" rel="nofollow">Glasgow smile</a>. There are also many other reasons a corpse would appear to smile: seizure, rigor mortis, or the euphoria and hallucinations caused by the brain shutting down right before death.<br /><br />Could Annie use another clue that the death wasn't an accidental drowning, like suspicious teeth marks that couldn't have come from any shark? Come to think of it, why wasn't the first victim eaten? Does Annie start investigating based on nothing more than a weird-looking skeleton?<br /><br />Speaking of the skeleton, if I were to stumble upon a pile of bones that look like mermaid remains, I'd assume it was a hoax or a sick joke. I'd imagine someone thought it would be hilarious to dig up an old grave and replace the legs with a dolphin tail. Why is Annie so sure it's a siren instead? Has she encountered mythical creatures before, but nobody believed her?T. K. Marnellnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-71212699959743515232015-05-02T01:45:42.342-04:002015-05-02T01:45:42.342-04:00I'm still stuck on the fashion-backward lifegu...I'm still stuck on the fashion-backward lifeguard. What do they have to wear? Swim trunks, right? Waterproof sunscreen?St0n3hengehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504412781917592790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-2495650960542148622015-05-01T11:55:18.469-04:002015-05-01T11:55:18.469-04:00Thanks for your tips, guys. The query is SO MUCH B...Thanks for your tips, guys. The query is SO MUCH BETTER!Query Writernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-7220763811461203242015-04-30T15:15:11.593-04:002015-04-30T15:15:11.593-04:00That cover would make me buy Aquaman. That issue, ...That cover would make me buy <i>Aquaman</i>. That issue, anyway.<br /><br />Greece needs to come up early. As in "Annie thought staying with her disabled sister on the Greek island of Siren Beach would be a fun summer" kind of introduction.khazarkhumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-77802723734124960292015-04-30T08:29:11.977-04:002015-04-30T08:29:11.977-04:00My experience with video game (Baldur's gate)S...My experience with video game (Baldur's gate)Siren's atleast give me the impression that there skeletons should be quite human. A quick look at wikipedia has left me even more confused on what they should look like. Definitely define them. <br /><br />Are you using Siren's so they can tempt people into the water with their song? Does their song also work on woman? Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-25210258970481225192015-04-29T20:15:45.070-04:002015-04-29T20:15:45.070-04:00His father was the keeper of the Eddystone Light.His father was the keeper of the Eddystone Light.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-26458780492272159482015-04-29T16:01:09.063-04:002015-04-29T16:01:09.063-04:00Yes, half human and half Chilean sea bass as I rec...Yes, half human and half Chilean sea bass as I recall.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-49559979319893433782015-04-29T13:07:44.660-04:002015-04-29T13:07:44.660-04:00If you can't get the siren skeleton into the f...If you can't get the siren skeleton into the first sentence it should at least be in the second one fully identified as a half human/half fish skeleton. Scrubbing toilets is not the hook of your story, nor does it seem to come up again in the query.<br /><br />"Only, tagging the bones “human” is a whale-sized fib." "Tagging" doesn't feel like the right word here and calling it a "fib" leaves me confused. Is someone trying to claim the bones are human? Who? Why? Changing it to"...would be a whale-sized fib" would make it clear that the lie is a hypothetical one rather than something that somebody actually said. And I don't think you need the comma.<br /><br />Someone more knowledgeable about the appearance of a drowned body than I will have to weigh in on whether you can accurately judge the final expression on the deceased on a bloated corpse. Regardless, it took me a second read through to realize that the point is that the man looked happy when he died. You're trying to be too clever with the wording. Just say what you mean: the dead man has a blissful expression on his face that doesn't fit with the drowning theory.<br /><br />It'd be nice know that we're in Greece a little earlier if you can fit it in. This paragraph can probably be combined with the previous one.<br /><br />Why doesn't Annie show anyone else the siren skeleton? If she just had a theory that a mythological creature drowned the man and no evidence to back it up, I could see why she'd need to keep it to herself and her team of misfit mythological crimestoppers. But she has a skeleton to show. That should at least give her some credibility.<br /><br />You've got a good reason for starting out calling the creatures "sea-women," but until we get to the reveal, it feels confusing. Maybe say that Annie finds what she thinks is a mermaid skeleton, then finds out that the creatures are actually sirens when the one she rescues tells her or she checks her encyclopedia of mythological creature or what have you. Then perhaps a brief description of what a siren is. (I know, but you don't want to assume the query reader does.)<br /><br />"..."translates as a warning..." Again, confusing word choice. Does Annie have to translate what the siren tells her, or are you just saying that she thanks Annie by warning her?<br /><br />"No way will Annie surrender as a siren’s appetizer." Change "surrender as" to "be" and this is okay.<br /><br />The sister and the lifeguard are getting dangerously close to character soup. They appear so briefly and so late in the query that I have no clue what they're doing in the story. Either bring them in earlier or dump them.<br /><br />EE, trying to figure out whether Atlanteans and mermaids are the same species in the DC universe is giving me a headache, so I'm gonna let that joke slide. Though Aquaman is at least half human....<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />InkAndPixelClubhttp://ladiesofcomicazi.comnoreply@blogger.com