tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post6226376479237718435..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1206Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-67063001531626010452014-06-25T11:53:21.378-04:002014-06-25T11:53:21.378-04:00Indigins sounds too much like Indians to me. And w...Indigins sounds too much like Indians to me. And why would anyone want to save unintelligent humans? <br /><br />Here are some thoughts:<br /><br />The Nexus will make the unintelligent humans smart thus allowing them to figure a way to fight the Malkum.<br /><br />The Malkum want Cole on their side, and have offered him supreme power if he joins their evil force. <br /><br />Cole is torn between making the kindhearted Indigins smart and independent of the Malkum, and joining the Malkum to become an evil, supreme ruler.<br /><br />The Malkum want to establish an empire of Cole's intelligent offspring, and use the Indigins to build it.<br /><br />Cole is presented with a beautiful, intelligent girl to breed with courtesy of the Malkum.<br /><br />Does Cole escape with this girl, make the Indigins intelligent, and overthrow the Malkum, or use her as his broodmare, and rule the Malkum's evil kingdom?CavalierdeNuithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09862976676163347369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-46258079164963915532014-06-24T13:02:31.785-04:002014-06-24T13:02:31.785-04:00How is Cole intelligent? It's kind of a vague ...How is Cole intelligent? It's kind of a vague word and I think that vagueness is contributing to the feeling of "guy tasked with saving the helpless, stupid people" and not helping your query any. Between the lack of description of Cole's abilities and the fact that he has magic amnesia powers that are also not well defined, it feels like the story could just as easily be about a guy who has four arms when everyone else has two.<br /><br />Finish this sentence: "Cole is able to _____, but no one else he knows can." A few specific fill-ins for that blank will give us a better idea of what abilities Cole has and what he might actually do in the story.<br /><br />If the Indiginis are important to Cole, to the point where he would risk his own safety to save them, that needs to be party of the query. Who was killed when Cole made his escape? Who is at risk from the genocide that Cole is most worried about? Telling me that Cole cares about the fate of his people doesn't accomplish as much as tellng me about his three best friends and members of his family who have been killed or will die if Cole fails.<br /><br />And add me to the chorus of voices wanting more about the Nexus. If it's important enough to be the title of your book, it's important enough to devote more than one line of query to. Right now, the Nexus could almost be anything and do anything, so it seems inevitable that Cole will succeed in saving the world y using it. Lay out what it does, what Cole could do with it to stop the Malkum, and why it's not the simple solution to all his problems.InkAndPixelClubhttp://ladiesofcomicazi.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-51968189251424931882014-06-23T14:43:01.795-04:002014-06-23T14:43:01.795-04:00I was OK with the MC's power being super-intel...I was OK with the MC's power being super-intelligence UNTIL it was coupled with him being the unintelligent's destined saviour, especially with the sickly-sweet "sending him to live among the Indignis so he could learn to love those he must later fight to protect." <br /><br />This concept doesn't come off as moving or emotional, it comes off condescending and like a "white saviour" trope.<br /><br />Do the Indignis (also agree, change the name) provide actual help to the MC? If so, I would recommend bringing those elements out more in the query. Also, I admit this may fully be a personal preference so salt and all that, but I don't think you should make the MC a saviour unless he's actually Indignis himself. <br /><br />Think about it -- what has more inherent tension, an underdog fighting for his own people's survival against a mighty corporation, or an outsider with inherent advantages fighting against a mighty corporation?<br /><br />What are the problems being super-intelligent causes the MC? That can create his internal conflict. "Self-doubt" seems a strange internal struggle to have when you're obviously superior to the people you grew up around, and is difficult to write without the MC coming off whiny. <br /><br />Best of luck with query v.2. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08771522093319083163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38000898846026286372014-06-22T09:38:00.140-04:002014-06-22T09:38:00.140-04:00Yeah. I was also struck by the name Indignis. I wo...Yeah. I was also struck by the name Indignis. I wondered if maybe the writer was making a play on "indignity" but I also thought it too close to "indigenous". Or to "indigenas" which is what Native Americans are often called in Spanish.<br /><br />The I'm-smart-and-everybody's-stupid motif sounds like a turnoff. People who believe this--and they're not all teenagers, alas-- are usually not very good company. Would readers want to spend a whole book with one?AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-4998220113891918882014-06-21T20:47:38.944-04:002014-06-21T20:47:38.944-04:00I agree with Cil. It would help if there was more ...I agree with Cil. It would help if there was more about the mind altering weapon. Given that you titled your book after it, I'm guessing it's central to the story but we know nothing about it's use or misuse. It also sounds like your point-of-difference from other stories featuring a hero saving a downtrodden race. <br />And, yeah, a little more sensitivity when naming races would not go astray.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-39017132839457233222014-06-21T15:14:13.795-04:002014-06-21T15:14:13.795-04:00I would go much more into the mind altering weapon...I would go much more into the mind altering weaponry, so far I am not following the concept or interested by it.<br /><br />Are the main characters and the thought tank super geniuses or are they regular people and everyone else is just a dummy. I am not sure I could handle reading a book where all of the side characters were morons, but I am not such a fan of the other concept where all of the side characters are normal and looked down upon for being stupid. <br /><br />I would try a rewrite and explain it in terms that follows better. The rogue think tank is hard to believe. Also the word Indignis is too close to indigenous, I would change it. Cilnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-41129026355708059242014-06-20T14:27:20.248-04:002014-06-20T14:27:20.248-04:00This sounds like why I stopped reading science fic...This sounds like why I stopped reading science fiction.<br /><br />So much of it seemed to be based on the idea of <i>intelligent</i> people (who tended to bear a strong resemblance to the author) being forced to both tolerate and protect unintelligent people (who tended to bear a strong resemblance to those unlike the author.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com