tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post5700769630952339148..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1307Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1954135094943289292016-04-08T19:11:47.207-04:002016-04-08T19:11:47.207-04:00Even at night, there are shadows. Moonlight, starl...Even at night, there are shadows. Moonlight, starlight, and firelight all cast shadows. Unless the surviving humans basically become Daredevil, they will not be able to function all that well in complete darkness, nor would they be able to venture outside EVER. Unless fume has obliterated the stars? Unless only bold, defined shadows come to life? Unless only shadows cast by sunlight are dangerous? This was honestly my biggest question throughout. I could almost buy living shadows (Peter Pan) as long as there are some logical rules governing their power. EE is right -- if the shadows were as dangerous as you make out, NO ONE would be left. <br /><br />Even with a few strictures on their power, people would try as hard as they could to stay in the darkest environment possible, especially if you weren't sure exactly how much light they needed to come alive, but it would explain how some people did, and do, survive. If they spring to life at any amount of light whatsoever, meeting the glowing girl would kill him at once. Shadownoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-75580599714771005022016-03-24T11:01:39.386-04:002016-03-24T11:01:39.386-04:00You want the agent to request your manuscript beca...You want the agent to request your manuscript because you write well and have an intriguing story. Not because she wants to know what happens next in your book. She's not going to reject you because you spilled the beans; she might reject you because your query inspires more questions than it answers.<br /><br />Answering questions need not increase the length of the query. It's just a matter of being specific instead of general. For instance, instead of a catastrophic event say an unleashed nanite cloud. Instead of saying the shadow is intent on killing its owner, say it devours its owner and then dies. Etc.<br /><br />You're making it sound like the book is 85,000 words with an amnesiac sitting in a dark basement and 12,000 words that you can't tell us about because they're the climax. You can tell us why survivors are being herded into a military facility without giving away the ending, which is how John does or doesn't escape with the girl. <br /><br />Write a three-sentence paragraph introducing your main character and describing the situation including the girl's arrival.<br />Then a three-sentence paragraph about the facility. What's happening there that's so bad John wants to go back to living in a dark basement on a world with few humans?<br />Then a three sentence paragraph about how he plans to deal with the situation, what goes wrong, what will happen if he fails.<br /><br />If the nanite cloud has dispersed so that shadows are no longer a threat to the survivors, make that clear. Otherwise, there's no real hope for anyone, whether they escape or not.<br /><br />I don't see guilt and atonement being query-worthy themes for a science fiction story. They're fine in the book, but you should probably stress the science fiction aspects of the plot in the query.<br /><br />Can you write the query without mentioning shadows? For instance, When an unleashed experimental nanite cloud makes light lethal to humans, few survive . . . and those who do are being hunted down and herded into a military facility. I mention this only because the shadow monsters inspire most of the questions. If the reader thinks ultra-sensitivity to light is the problem instead of shadows of one species turning into monsters you might be better off. (In the book, of course, the shadow monsters are perfectly logical, but in the query there's no room to sell the idea.)<br /><br />Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-65337354454072919282016-03-24T09:18:30.808-04:002016-03-24T09:18:30.808-04:00The point here isn't to answer the questions r...The point here isn't to answer the questions raised but to rewrite the query so that the questions don't arise. An agent isn't going to ask any questions. An agent is just going to move on to the next query.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-5118888778496918102016-03-24T05:55:31.751-04:002016-03-24T05:55:31.751-04:00This is the second part of my previous post.
I...This is the second part of my previous post.<br /><br />I'll try to asnwer the questions from those who commented.<br /><br />@Anonymous<br />MC's wants are survival and atonement. The first two sentences of the third paragraph are meant to show that ("his survival is jeopardised..."). Obstacles: the world, light, troopers. His plan is based on his need to atone. That formulates in his head after he and the girl are taken to the facility. It's part of his arc. Both his and the girl's amnesia is not a convenient trick. As I mentioned earlier, nanotech has altered part of the way humans exist (that is unknown to the MC at the beginning), though in his case it worked a little different (also part of his arc to discover what has happened to him). The same is true for the girl.<br /><br />@Tk<br />The girl doesn't know her name. John never bothered to ask or give her one. Her only concern is to figure out why she glows, not what she's called. The reader understands that indirectly through the story. Also, previous versions of the query (this is probably the 20th revision) did not include the second paragraph you mentioned. However, after a twitter pitch event, where professional editors were involved, the feedback I got for the query stated they wanted more worldbuilding. So I added this small paragraph. To be honest I'm also not entirely convinced I need to have it, but after having read soooooo many critiques on this query I'm at a complete loss as to what should or shouldn't be in a query.<br /><br />Wow, that was a long post. My question to Evil Editor (and those who were kind enough to comment): does the query make you want to read more? Assuming of course you were into scifi, post-apocalyptic, speculative fiction etc, would you go on to read the synopsis or sample pages? If I include everything you and the other commenters asked, the query will no longer be 300 words long, but several pages. The reason I'm asking this is because most of the questions raised are part of the story's climax. Should I answer them even if it means giving away everything?<br /><br />Thank you all so much for helping me with this!<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-87777400265426559782016-03-24T05:54:34.663-04:002016-03-24T05:54:34.663-04:00Thank you all for going over my query. I'll tr...Thank you all for going over my query. I'll try to answer your questions, though to answer them all you'll either need to read the synopsis or the book itself.<br /><br />I'll start with EE's questions as they appear in the critique, then move on to those who commented.<br /><br />Yes, those who survived were the ones that happened to be in a dark place at the time of the event. Shadows gain substance the minute light touches humans. So, yes, they are three-dimension creatures, and they devour the owner but no one else. In that sense, shadows are invincible. Once there's very little left of the owner's remains (or light ceases to exist), the shadow dies as well. John's wishful thinking of saving/not abandoning his family is a typical one. If we lose someone close to us and we blame ourselves for their death (even if there was nothing we could have done) most of the time we think we could have done something more to save them. The facility's purpose is part of the climax, so I couldn't include it in the query, right? I'm not supposed to spill the beans, rather make the agent want to read more, right? That's what every agent's advice I've read says, so I went with that approach. If I'm mistaken, please let me know. If I remove the paragraph that follows "true purpose," as you indicated, then I lose the stakes of the story. As an agent, do you think that what I've mentioned up to "true purpose" is enough to show what's at stake for the character? The troopers' shadows are like yours and mine, meaning they remain inanimate and harmless. There is an indirect explanation on why only humans are affected at the climax of the story and at the climax of the character's arc, but if I included it here, I would have once again given away too much, right? Yes, the vast majority of humanity was wiped out in two days more or less. There is no communication between people unless they happen to live close by (a few miles or as long as it takes to go somewhere and return while there's still night). To answer your very last question (about what happened to the world), an accident took place and a nanite cloud (nanotechnology is involved here, after all this is a post-apocalyptic story, therefore scifi) with flawed code altered parts of humanity. Who did it is also related to the character's arc and his past.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-4244236970843520562016-03-23T21:09:40.888-04:002016-03-23T21:09:40.888-04:00On the other side of "eradicated" is &qu...On the other side of "eradicated" is "decimated", which means to destroy one tenth of but people use it to mean destroy almost completely (so, sort of as if it means to destroy all but one tenth, though they don't even use it that intentionally). That always annoys me. Part of good writing is learning to use the right word for the occasion.SBnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-29015942089271044112016-03-23T19:16:49.721-04:002016-03-23T19:16:49.721-04:00I would need a more acceptable premise to suspend ...I would need a more acceptable premise to suspend my disbelief. There are too many questions about the shadows right now. But with more development it might work for me. For instance, maybe the MC discovers that shadows are not really caused by light but the shadows have tricked us into believing this for millenniums, playing on our human need to understand the world around us. The shadows have been hiding in our shadows waiting for the right time to strike, which for some reason is now. But then there is the MC who has noticed people being killed and their shadows gloating over their bodies, and he has access to a Library of Alexandria sort of info depository and He figures out Hey! shadows are a hoax! And the real story begins. He's a defamed scientist whom everyone thought was crazy. Of course, you still need a reason for the shadows to kill everyone and a means by which the shadows kill everyone. Tricky stuff. Especially when the shadow of the MC knows what he is doing and would logically kill him right away. Tricky stuff.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-21192827323688364142016-03-23T15:27:14.170-04:002016-03-23T15:27:14.170-04:00When there is a male and a female character and on...When there is a male and a female character and only the man gets a name, it always bothers me. Could you name her?<br /><br />I don’t think you need the second paragraph. You could just go straight to “When troopers raid John’s shelter and imprison him with other survivors, he…” Then there’s room to answer some of the questions raised.<br />Tknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90036843311389034802016-03-23T13:02:56.318-04:002016-03-23T13:02:56.318-04:00A query isn't the same as a cover blurb, you c...A query isn't the same as a cover blurb, you can give away all the secrets (although, you do want to leave off the ending). It would help to know if the shadows coming to life was a one time event, a recurring event, or if all shadows are now in a permanent state of monster. (Hey, do multiple light sources give you multiple monsters to deal with? Do they gang up on you or fight each other?)<br /><br />The definition of eradicated is "destroy completely; put an end to."<br />If there is one person left alive, humanity hasn't been eradicated (unless you're using a more metaphorical sense of the word), or the one person left isn't human. If you say something that's obviously not true, it does leave the agent wondering about the accuracy of everything else and the book itself. Use words that mean what you're describing.<br /><br />MC: John<br />Wants: Survival? Atonement?<br />Obstacle(s): Shadow monsters?, terrifying troopers?, guilt? <- I don't know what's in the way if I don't know what he really wants<br />Plan: Does he have an ultimate plan? If so, give specifics that lead towards the resolution and show what it'll be like<br /><br />Not a big fan of convenient amnesia, especially when there are a lot of ways characters can remember their life and still not have a clue as to what's going on.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com