tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post5658392007879533496..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 606Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-50878178590484144172009-02-25T02:48:00.000-05:002009-02-25T02:48:00.000-05:00Somehow I doubt that one MG fantasy story would ma...Somehow I doubt that one MG fantasy story would make overweight kids complacent or comfortable with themselves, in the face of overwhelming societal disgust and disapproval of that particular deviation from the Ideal. Geez. <BR/><BR/>Also, I kinda want to write GTP#6.batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-80141464761284790352009-02-24T17:25:00.000-05:002009-02-24T17:25:00.000-05:00spriggan. Dour, ugly warrior fairy of Cornish trad...spriggan. Dour, ugly warrior fairy of Cornish tradition, where it is nearly as well known as the piskie. Ghosts of old giants, spriggans are now very small but may inflate themselves into monstrous forms. Found around cairns, cromlechs, and ancient barrows, they guard buried treasure, but are also responsible for bringing storms and the destruction of buildings and crops. Like piskies, they may also abduct children.<BR/><BR/>http://www.encyclopedia.com/doc/1O70-spriggan.htmlnonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-34327142695481126672009-02-24T12:40:00.000-05:002009-02-24T12:40:00.000-05:00While I am glad you are not making fun of overweig...While I am glad you are not making fun of overweight kids, I also hope you don't glorify it. Read the stats on overweight children--in one haunting stat, drs are predicting that there will be an epidemic of these kids needing liver transplants in their 40s because of fatty liver disease, and of course we don't have the livers now that we need. Just one example. You don't want to damage self esteem but I think you also have to be wary of saying hey it's okay if your child is overweight.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-14755335673057224972009-02-24T11:08:00.000-05:002009-02-24T11:08:00.000-05:00What exactly is a spriggan? Is this a term the ave...What exactly is a spriggan? Is this a term the average reader would understand? I've never heard of them myself, but I've never read any of the Harry Potter books either so maybe it's just me...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-73377249964130809122009-02-24T10:08:00.000-05:002009-02-24T10:08:00.000-05:00Re the wands issue: I'd argue that it is too HPish...Re the wands issue: I'd argue that it is too HPish if you only have kids using wands. Mix it up! In both real and fantasy magic traditions there are all sorts of tools or none used. Variety isn't bad.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-77654517280941324622009-02-24T08:48:00.000-05:002009-02-24T08:48:00.000-05:00This is very Potter-esque. However, if the voice ...This is very Potter-esque. However, if the voice is tones with the proper wit, it could play out as a good comedy, but I wonder if the MG audience could grasp it (if it were written as a spoof).<BR/><BR/>I'm thinking something along the lines of what the movie GHOST TOWN did for THE SIXTH SENSE.<BR/><BR/>"He sees dead people. And they annoy him."Rick Daleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-89688889526661640682009-02-24T07:38:00.000-05:002009-02-24T07:38:00.000-05:00Two things hung me up. We get more on motivation f...Two things hung me up. We get more on motivation from the bad guy than the MC. We know what the bad guy wants and how he goes about getting it. What does the MC want?<BR/><BR/>The prominence of fat-camp is miss leading. I expected kids using magic in an attempt to outwit adults who want to make them loose weight and felt cheated to discover its a hero thwarting villain book. <BR/><BR/>You do need to mention the boy is at fat camp, but from what I read, fat camp is more location (like Hicksville Ohio) and less to do with plot. If it has more to do with plot, we need to know how. See below. <BR/><BR/><BR/>1. What is the MC's goal (to earn the love of a girl, gain respect, become leader of the world?)<BR/><BR/>2. How does the villain interfere with the MC's goal. (Its the why and answers: what motivates the MC? Big foot,cyclops, and fat camp, itself, are obstacles. You nailed two out of three and this where fat camp should go. You should give us an example like you did with the first two obstacles.) <BR/><BR/>3. How and with whom does the MC succeed? Specifically, does our MC succeed by himself or with help?<BR/><BR/>The pot is buried but its there and that good. I'm no agent but I'd read a few pages to see what writings like. Good Job.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-31135741442716072322009-02-24T07:07:00.000-05:002009-02-24T07:07:00.000-05:00All those elements were around long before Harry P...All those elements were around long before Harry Potter. Rowling doesn't own them.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-62797177905881937802009-02-23T23:15:00.000-05:002009-02-23T23:15:00.000-05:00There's a terrible epidemic of fat kids these days...There's a terrible epidemic of fat kids these days, and it has really very tragic consequences for them, so a fat camp seems perfectly sensible. Every heavy kid should go. They maybe can't safely do some outdoor activities that more athletic ones can, but fat kids need to walk away from the computer and go move around, too. I don't think you should need to apologize for the setting, or be silly about avoiding calling it a fat camp. That's what the kids call them.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-81671302682108736692009-02-23T21:39:00.000-05:002009-02-23T21:39:00.000-05:00Hi author!Since the "all MG fantasy sounds like HP...Hi author!<BR/><BR/>Since the "all MG fantasy sounds like HP" thing seems like an argument worth having, I want to point out that wands encompass a small sliver of magic-users in fantasy history. Right off the top of my head I can think of traditions that use staves, stones, dust, jewelry, salves, spittle, and the power of their minds. In this query, other HP elements include kids doing otherwise normal things with magic, unusual animated objects, and critters from a wide variety of lore. So yeah, no single one of these things has to be a Potter ripoff, but they give a cumulative effect of it. What you have to ask yourself is why you chose the same elements that JKR did, rather than anything else available.<BR/><BR/>I'd also like to point out that I didn't suggest the kids use magic to lose weight; I suggested they use magic to gain the same benefits as losing weight (appearance and health), which I think is an important distinction. Are you saying that magic in your world can't make you feel or look any better?<BR/><BR/>(Also, because I'm nothing if not pedantic, I'd expect harpies to come in flocks, not herds.)<BR/><BR/>Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-11396952935285145172009-02-23T20:36:00.000-05:002009-02-23T20:36:00.000-05:00Author here.Thanks to EE and all of you for your c...Author here.<BR/><BR/>Thanks to EE and all of you for your comments. I knew someone would say it sounds like a Harry Potter wannabe. It's pretty hard to write a magic story that doesn't sound like a Potter rip-off. After all, Rowling incorporated most of the major magic elements in her seven (some of them very long) books. My characters use wands but their wands are metal Element wands and none contain a Phoenix feather. Does it mean that because Harry Potter used a wand, no one can ever write a story about magical kids using a wand? If it helps, my characters don't fly on broomsticks. They have to use normal methods to get from place-to-place (no foo powder, either.) Unless of course, they're good at incantations and can conjure a herd of harpies to move the boat they're seated in from point A to point B :-) <BR/><BR/>The issue of the fat camp is handled with care. I am not making fun of overweight kids. I was an overweight kid. It just so happens that my heros are overweight. I thought it was about time someone wrote a story for kids where the hero and heroine are weight challanged.<BR/><BR/>As to why they don't use magic to make an elixir to make them slim, my magic has its limitations. Unfortunately, the kids have to loose weight the old-fashioned way - diet and exercise.<BR/><BR/>Thanks for pointing out the confusion with the term, shimmer. I will fix it in my next incantation.<BR/><BR/>Thanks again!<BR/><BR/>ILSinTexasAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-37662949082001700752009-02-23T20:21:00.000-05:002009-02-23T20:21:00.000-05:00I was SO hoping for Plot #1!I was SO hoping for Plot #1!talpiannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13978075304795724185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-66605893167746170352009-02-23T20:16:00.000-05:002009-02-23T20:16:00.000-05:00Let's not get all bent out of shape about it being...Let's not get all bent out of shape about it being a fat camp. I know a kid who's been heavy from a baby (fat isn't the right word)... and he is quite active and determined to be fit. He will never be a thin person. I was always skin and bones and a nephew of mine is still skin and bones at 13 (a real twig). This kid isn't and he just might be at a "fat camp" if you want to so indelicately call it that. He's determined to be healthy and eat right but I suspect he'll always be 250 to 300 pounds, healthy or not. But he's never going to be small. It's not that old crap of big bones, either. He's a big kid the way other kids are tall, or jockey's are always small. <BR/><BR/>So nothing about this camp surprises me. As for the magic stuff, it's middle grade and those MG readers like action and quirkyness. Even Narnia was a bit silly and childish at times.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-15291149044155417602009-02-23T19:27:00.000-05:002009-02-23T19:27:00.000-05:00My biggest question after reading this is why a f...My biggest question after reading this is why a <I> fat </I> camp? From what you give us here, it seems like Chester a regular camp for wizards. Can you throw in a few details that link the weight issue to the main plot? Maybe Chester is fighting self-esteem issues or the camp has some sort of isolation spell to keep the kids from conjuring candy.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17154396750664564852009-02-23T19:20:00.000-05:002009-02-23T19:20:00.000-05:00"It's too late to thank me in advance; I've alread..."It's too late to thank me in advance; I've already read the entire query"<BR/><BR/>Baha!<BR/><BR/>I read a lot of blogs that list query letters, and this isn't one of the worst. It sounds unpolished, and could have used some more work, but it wasn't too bad.<BR/><BR/>And just because it's an MG fantasy, doesn't mean it's a rip-off of Harry Potter! I was reading MG fantasy (when I was MG!) years before that particular series came out, and I have to say that although it had some new elements, it wasn't necessarily all that original.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-59904125343713188592009-02-23T16:18:00.000-05:002009-02-23T16:18:00.000-05:00This kind of feels like an allegory for other thin...This kind of feels like an allegory for other things that happen when a camp counselor and several campers go missing... <BR/><BR/>Why do the shapeshifters want to battle the human race? Are they pure evil, or does humanity have it coming?Chelsea Pitcherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16301150715189103602noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-45493435304304282272009-02-23T14:54:00.000-05:002009-02-23T14:54:00.000-05:00Iloved EE's suggestion for the title!Author, this ...Iloved EE's suggestion for the title!<BR/><BR/>Author, this is a bit confusing but not too bad. I would probably read a page or two because it has some unusual details--although flying rowboats and self-cleaning outhouses aren't really that interesting, might not even work well. But the details you share do show some promise to me. I kept wondering if this would read like the Darren Shan Cirque du Freak books.<BR/><BR/>And I'm also confused what that shimmer is about. <BR/><BR/>What I suspect you need is to anchor the story in the kid's problems. In other words, tell us why he's at the fat farm and some of the situation. I figure it's something like he's "stuck at a fat farm for the summer, away from ho-hos and twinkies and with a shapeshifter with a napolean complex for a camp counselor."<BR/><BR/>And then you can tell us about the crisis he has to solve.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-33913133412225100882009-02-23T12:55:00.000-05:002009-02-23T12:55:00.000-05:00Questions:1. Yeah, what does "evoking a shimmer" m...Questions:<BR/><BR/>1. Yeah, what does "evoking a shimmer" mean? It can't mean what it says, which is that people who behold him shimmer. Or does it?<BR/><BR/>2. Are you using kids' weight as a source of derisive humor? If you're going for laughs at the expense of The Unthin, remember that ten years ago you could have used gay kids, and fifty years ago you could have used black kids. Maybe in another five years it will be equally politically incorrect to make fun of fat people; then you can target people with unveneered teeth, or bad hair.<BR/><BR/>Or maybe the camp inmates are genuinely funny and not only because they're big. Maybe you are one of them. Or maybe there's no humor at all. I can't tell from the query.pulphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17355139388706278494noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-59866722804984229792009-02-23T12:10:00.000-05:002009-02-23T12:10:00.000-05:00I read enough fantasy to be okay with most of this...I read enough fantasy to be okay with most of this, and the mish-mash of mythologies is normal for children's fiction. I'm stumped, though, by 'evoking a shimmer'. Means what? I'd think identifying him as a shapeshifter would cover it, and you could probably cut that phrase. <BR/>Fat kids as heroes is great, there should be more of them. I hope they don't end the book hating their bodies.batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-62524221121437330312009-02-23T11:48:00.000-05:002009-02-23T11:48:00.000-05:00I'm kind of delighted by the combination of magic ...I'm kind of delighted by the combination of magic camp and fat camp, but weight loss is hard and magic makes things easy; why bother with fat camp when you can cast an illusion of thinness and drink some elixir of health?<BR/><BR/>I was just reading about La Chasse-galerie, so the mention of a flying rowboat tickled me. Also kind of excited by spriggans with minty-fresh breath.<BR/><BR/>Wouldn't a group outing be the <I>worst</I> place to disappear from? If I was Kyle, I'd wait until we had small-group activities. Then no one would notice for hours.<BR/><BR/>Agreed that Bigfoot doesn't sound particularly challenging for someone with exceptional incantation abilities. Cyclops does, though.<BR/><BR/>If Chester has some particular edge or reason for fighting the mummy (oh, say...it killed his parents), then mention it. Right now his involvement in the fight sounds pretty circumstantial.<BR/><BR/>I'm not sure anyone in your target age group is even aware of the idiom that's the basis of the title pun. I actually kind of like EE's title suggestion.<BR/><BR/>Including Bigfoot means this is probably set in the Pacific Northwest, but I could stand to see a specific setting in the query letter. It could be evocative.<BR/><BR/>Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-43609687767416489572009-02-23T11:41:00.000-05:002009-02-23T11:41:00.000-05:00the proliferation of harry potter inspired plots h...the proliferation of harry potter inspired plots have jaded me toward magic-school-for-kids stories, of which this is one. the potter series attracted all that readership by having original characters engaged in a plot with substance, and internal coherence, not by an extravagance of boundless magic tricks. you took a random assortment of stock characters and mixed them with a random assortment of stock plot elements including boundless magic tricks and the result is kind of a mess.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com