tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post5512014992476596437..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1191Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-86911108524851230032014-04-06T21:20:51.590-04:002014-04-06T21:20:51.590-04:00Author again! Thanks for taking time to read the r...Author again! Thanks for taking time to read the revised version and giving additional feedback. I really appreciate it!Alice Wittenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10211491744570619428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38948353866811761612014-04-01T00:11:30.980-04:002014-04-01T00:11:30.980-04:00I'm not sure this version's really grabbin...I'm not sure this version's really grabbing me, but it certainly makes a lot more sense, in my opinion. I definitely feel like I understand what's going on now, so I think that's improvement.SBnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17239270681206400682014-03-26T19:37:58.769-04:002014-03-26T19:37:58.769-04:00January's right. Gwin doesn't really do an...January's right. Gwin doesn't really do anything till the end of the 2nd paragraph, which is pretty late for a protagonist to start protagging.<br /><br />AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-2256101141234931182014-03-26T14:06:36.495-04:002014-03-26T14:06:36.495-04:00Gwin does not have an active role in much of this ...Gwin does not have an active role in much of this query. <br />What makes her special enough to stand up to the sorceress? What does she know from her life in the village or learn from living at the castle that will enable her to have even a long shot at success?<br /><br />Januarynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-33304693764770125482014-03-26T13:19:04.119-04:002014-03-26T13:19:04.119-04:00I like the revision, including EE's suggestion...I like the revision, including EE's suggestion, but in para 3, not sure how the Bearers could find evidence of Metheda's forces in the east. It seems as if scouts would turn up this type of Intel.<br /><br />Best of luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-55631412266584708662014-03-25T09:36:59.228-04:002014-03-25T09:36:59.228-04:00I would dump the entire second paragraph and chang...I would dump the entire second paragraph and change the first sentnece of the fourth paragraph to: But the threat from the east is a decoy.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-14681630168300343742014-03-24T13:05:22.590-04:002014-03-24T13:05:22.590-04:00Good for you for taking time to rework this! I don...Good for you for taking time to rework this! I don't read YA, but I like your story. I think everyone is going to tell you to shorten your revised query because it reads too much like a synopsis. You get three short paragraphs max. CavalierdeNuithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09862976676163347369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-89176102680975722642014-03-21T20:57:29.621-04:002014-03-21T20:57:29.621-04:00Let's try this again...thoughts on the below r...Let's try this again...thoughts on the below revision?<br /><br />Dear Agent, <br /><br />When a group of warriors tears sixteen-year-old Gwinn away from her village to take her to the king, she’s shocked to learn she’s a Bearer – one of four girls selected when she was a baby to conceal a piece of the princess’s life force from Metheda, a vengeful sorceress. Metheda has been killed, and the warriors bring the Bearers to the castle so the wizard can restore the princess. <br /><br />The wizard insists it’s a simple spell. The princess will pick up her life where it left off and the Bearers can go back to their old lives, which is all Gwinn wants. But the spell nearly kills the Bearers. The wizard discovers someone replaced it with a fake, so he confines the girls to the castle grounds until he can recreate the true spell. Not content to wait, Gwinn begins her own investigation even as she struggles to figure out where the princess ends and she begins.<br /><br />When signs of dark magic surface, Gwinn suspects Metheda is still alive. One of the Bearers is attacked in the gardens, and after testing the magic used in the attack the wizard confirms Gwinn’s fears – the sorceress has returned. The Bearers find evidence Metheda is amassing an army to the east. The kingdom sends all of its forces to make a final stand against the sorceress. <br /><br />Unfortunately, her decoy is to the east. Metheda’s been hiding in the castle since the Bearers arrived. With the warriors out of her way, she plans to destroy the princess’s life force, leaving the kingdom without an heir – and she’ll kill the Bearers to do it. Separated from the rest of the Bearers, Gwinn must risk her life to defeat Metheda if she hopes to save the kingdom’s heir and return home. <br /><br />RESTORATION is a completed 85,000-word YA Fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration. <br />Alice Wittenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10211491744570619428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-19662415027490420772014-03-15T10:24:02.622-04:002014-03-15T10:24:02.622-04:00I am a big fan of soul fragments, but some things ...I am a big fan of soul fragments, but some things do have to be explained. Firstly, if you are removing a persons soul/ life force, do they age? Are we going to have a 16 year old princess without any life experiences or memories? I once read a series like this, where 6 people were fused into one at the age of 17. The fused person was distraught by his lack of a past. The six people who were fused to create him were battling for control of the fused body to complete their own life goals. <br /><br />The other question to answer, would be if the MC defeats Methenda by guile or the discovery of her magical powers. This will be important to understand the direction the book will be moving in. <br /><br />Finally, why does the MC want to have her soul used to resurrect the princess? I hate going to the dentist, let alone having something as complex as my soul being partially removed. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-5292609808717075872014-03-09T13:10:59.706-04:002014-03-09T13:10:59.706-04:00Hi EE and Minions!
Author here. Thank you so much...Hi EE and Minions!<br /><br />Author here. Thank you so much for the critique! I still have some work to do. <br /><br />Some info relating to the questions/comments:<br /><br />Condensed version of the back story: King kills Metheda’s husband over a land dispute. Metheda wants revenge. After several failed attempts to kill the princess, she unleashes a plague on the kingdom that kills children. Peasants want to give Metheda the princess so their kids stop dying. King wants to avoid a revolt so he has the wizard create the spell to remove the princess’s soul (SB you’re right, I’m using ‘soul’ as ‘life force’) and hide the pieces in four baby girls. Without her soul, the princess appears dead. King holds a fake funeral; Metheda crashes it because she wants proof the princess is gone. Wizard attacks her but she escapes. Soul-piece babies are sent to live in four different remote areas of the kingdom until Metheda is killed. Wizard hides the princess’s body in the castle. Story picks up sixteen years later… <br /><br />The original spell was hidden and locked away. Metheda broke in and replaced it with a fake, but she’s unable to destroy the original.<br /><br />Metheda got to the castle at the same time as the Bearers, and her Metheda-decoy is amassing the army to lure away the warriors so Metheda can kill the Bearers and destroy the princess. <br /><br />The other three girls want to defeat Metheda but I never figured out how to weave them into the query without making it sound like Gwinn wasn’t the focus (or that they weren’t a terrible 80’s cartoon band – Gwinn and the Bearers). <br /><br />Suggestions on which parts would be good to include/cut/change to address issues/questions? (or if the above explanations made everything worse?!)<br /><br />I hope that didn’t sound pretentious or combative (I may or may not have read the “A Sweet Disorder” classic post from Saturday, including all of the comments). I’m so far down in the weeds it’s hard to look at the story with fresh eyes. I appreciate any and all feedback!!!!<br /><br />Alice Wittenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10211491744570619428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-80676625546193992212014-03-09T12:56:39.720-04:002014-03-09T12:56:39.720-04:00I'm distraught at the thought of soul fragment...I'm distraught at the thought of soul fragments and wizard tangents....<br /><br />Author, you gotta make your story sound logical, and plausible. It sounds neither.<br /><br />This Schmendrick of a wizard should not be the last hope of a soulless princess. What, pray tell, happens to the Bearers when they give back the soul-quarters? Why would they care to do so? How will having a soul help defeat a Voldemorticia of a sorceress? Is a princess's soul so powerful that it can defeat dark magic simply by existing?<br /><br />Look, YA is a tough genre. And YA fantasy is an extra special kinda subset. These readers demand a well-put together premise and delivery. I can't say as the query has convinced me you have delivered...<br /><br />Try again. Outline the stakes. Make this make sense. Get us to care about the MC's plight.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-71692479643488556452014-03-07T12:01:50.921-05:002014-03-07T12:01:50.921-05:00Personally, I'm still trying to figure out how...Personally, I'm still trying to figure out how the princess lived without her soul in the first place, and why it's so important to have it now if she never needed it when she was alive previously. I think that when people talk about someone's "soul" in a query as a major element like this, they should give us an idea of what they mean by that, because different people have different ideas. To me, a person can't live without their soul because the soul <i>is</i> the person. So if you're going by some other definition, like the soul is her "life force" or whatever (or in this case, backup life force?), it would be helpful, I think, to give an idea of that.<br /><br />I also don't know what the Four Corners are in this story. Made me think of the SW area too. Four soul pieces, but why call them corners?SBnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-74372813443967459182014-03-07T11:18:53.675-05:002014-03-07T11:18:53.675-05:00EE, you have not pointed out that Metheda is an an...EE, you have not pointed out that Metheda is an anagram of Hated Me. <br /><br />The whole soul thing doesn't sound very thought-through. It's coming across as just a device for turning an ordinary girl (Gwinn) into a special snowflake. <br /><br />Where's the princess in all this, by the way? What's she like without a soul? Why did it have to be removed? In my opinion this kind of surgery is usually unnecessary. When I was a tot, people used to have their tonsils out as a routine matter. Before that it was appendices. Nowadays we know better.<br /><br />The title "Princess of the Four Corners" suggests that the book is about a princess-- which it apparently is not-- and also, yes, that it is set in a remote area of the American Southwest.<br />AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.com