tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post5364121911370479219..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 673Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-83016782085142005932010-02-04T17:00:37.286-05:002010-02-04T17:00:37.286-05:00Many have already pointed out the 44-word complex ...Many have already pointed out the 44-word complex sentence to start the query so I won't (but just did, dang it).<br /><br />I've read and heard the "fabrics of space and time" thingy before but it didn't sit well here.<br /><br />Ed's fabrics mesh into something else? Like terry cloth + velvet = demon?The Invisible Writerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13598086586387738289noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-59244366187527772762009-09-13T09:56:39.755-04:002009-09-13T09:56:39.755-04:00I almost thought this was going to be s spoofy/com...I almost thought this was going to be s spoofy/comic book. <br /><br />"The freedom he has always sought after." HAHA, I've always wanted to be a big black demon, too! But darn, it just didn't work out the way I wanted. Why's the man so prejudiced against me?<br /><br />"...even if that means dropping a nuclear bomb right onto his head." A nuke right in the noggin! Wow! Kapow! That's gonna hurt. <br /><br />Your word choice just didn't convey the tone you wanted to set.Hepiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15454133938753758390noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-4536938322394689102009-09-11T21:12:42.166-04:002009-09-11T21:12:42.166-04:00It looks like the author is trying too hard to imp...It looks like the author is trying too hard to impress with his/her writing. Just tone it down and tell your story.Matthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07681932402948885690noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-46804301013394307342009-09-11T19:39:09.795-04:002009-09-11T19:39:09.795-04:00I was thinking the exact same thing, Kathleen. :O
...I was thinking the exact same thing, Kathleen. :O<br /><br />Also, author, I'd be willing to look over your manuscript, like EE suggested. Drop me a line and we can arrange something.Ubermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15200097976135970004noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38101057252934445742009-09-11T18:43:19.386-04:002009-09-11T18:43:19.386-04:00I'm unsure of the tone you're trying to co...I'm unsure of the tone you're trying to convey. Some of the wording is so arch and detached that I thought you might be aiming at humour. <br />Edgar turns into a demon when he 'deems it an appropriate investment' -- of what? Time? Energy? Mutual funds? Also, if he changes into a demon after due consideration of the profit and loss statements and bottom line, it doesn't sound quite 'spontaneous'. <br />Are you sure it's freedom Edgar enjoys as a demon, and not power? It sounds as if the Weavers make him a fugitive, not a shackled slave, so I'm not sure slave/free is the dichotomy you're setting up here as much as invulnerable/vulnerable. <br /><br />It might just be me, but wouldn't changing into a demon be more 'changing the meaning and direction of his life, forever' than meeting a hot girl-demon would? That seems more like a subplot.batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17491883650314916392009-09-11T18:10:37.864-04:002009-09-11T18:10:37.864-04:00I think you guys are being unfair about the "...I think you guys are being unfair about the "fabric" of space and time. <br /><br /><a rel="nofollow">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Fabric_of_the_Cosmos</a><br />and<br /><a rel="nofollow">http://www.space.com/scienceastronomy/071025-cosmic-defect.html</a><br />and <br /><a rel="nofollow">http://www.wired.com/science/discoveries/news/2004/04/62936/</a><br /><br />However, it might not be the best word to spring on an agent (most likely a non-scientific agent) in a query. So in that sense, I agree with the other minions.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-21699190928238825272009-09-11T16:49:50.100-04:002009-09-11T16:49:50.100-04:00Xiexie, you're welcome to GTP #4. Let us know...Xiexie, you're welcome to GTP #4. Let us know if it goes anywhere.<br /><br />To the author:<br />I agree with what everyone else is saying. You may have an entertaining (and spicy) story here but it's hard to get past the language abuse. If you want to try again, we'll give you more feedback.Faceless Minionnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-14566187186582458382009-09-11T16:45:31.498-04:002009-09-11T16:45:31.498-04:00I'm getting a horrible "Wanted" flas...I'm getting a horrible "Wanted" flashback. The LOOM OF FATE!!!!<br />ieeee!Kathleenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00923975835078747456noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-9326808285046243192009-09-11T14:41:05.592-04:002009-09-11T14:41:05.592-04:00LMAO @ PTCD, Aimee!
Can I steal GTP #4?
Purple...LMAO @ PTCD, Aimee! <br /><br />Can I steal GTP #4?<br /><br />Purple prose is not your friend here. I think I get how you mean "fabrics" to be used here, Author, like in the phrase "fabrics of time"; however, it just doesn't fit well in describing a person. It's as awkward as my high school Systematic Theology teacher using her favorite word, fundament. It's a valid word, but all words hinge on usage.<br /><br />Please can that first sentence, give <b>her</b> a name, and do a rewrite because the fundaments of your novel are here. We just need them expressed more clearly.Xiexiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02265895952183646895noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-25369129301509596382009-09-11T14:03:34.917-04:002009-09-11T14:03:34.917-04:00Um.
The misuse of words - sometimes quite common ...Um.<br /><br />The misuse of words - sometimes quite common words; your manuscript "sits" at 90,000 words? - is sending up a lot of red flags for me. If I'm going to read 90,000 words, at least 89,000 of them need to be well-chosen ones.<br /><br />The problems with the query are obvious; you need to trim out the flowery language and pare it down until it's a lean, punchy statement of what your story's about. But I'm worried that the problems with the query might also be problems with the book.<br /><br />You might benefit from having a good critique group look your book over. (And by "good" I mean "sharp-eyed, sharp-tongued, vindictive, and quite happy to make you cry".)Steve Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09836762265698458170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-58304758516851496482009-09-11T11:27:08.987-04:002009-09-11T11:27:08.987-04:00Read this sentece out loud -
"The fabrics o...Read this sentece out loud - <br /><br />"The fabrics of one very stubborn, Edgar Benard, begin meshing into something else altogether when he goes through a seemingly spontaneous metamorphosis that grants him the ability to become a powerful, black demon complete with two wings, anytime he deems it an approved investment."<br /><br />Now this - <br /><br />Edgar Bernard aquires the ability to change into a black demon, seemingly on accident. <br /><br />This reminds me of the writing excercise where we used a random word generator and acquired about 100 words and had to use each of them to write something coherent.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-39618199281735426392009-09-11T11:20:14.982-04:002009-09-11T11:20:14.982-04:00Eric --
#7 is one of mine. Feel free to do whate...Eric --<br /><br />#7 is one of mine. Feel free to do whatever you like with it, it's a story I'd love to read.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-31539395265904205532009-09-11T11:14:29.031-04:002009-09-11T11:14:29.031-04:00#7 is a bit like Howl's Moving Castle, by Dian...#7 is a bit like Howl's Moving Castle, by Diana Wynn Jones._*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-11758085470962351402009-09-11T11:11:00.948-04:002009-09-11T11:11:00.948-04:00What EE said. Impression from the first half of t...What EE said. Impression from the first half of this = sort of schizy and hard to figure, maybe purposely nonsensical. Not sure what your intent is. While that style can have a certain charm in small doses it doesn't work for me for the length of a novel. <br /><br />Second half is much more comprehensible and intriguing enough to make me curious to see pages, so this is the style to use in your query.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-66580216483674282182009-09-11T11:02:05.353-04:002009-09-11T11:02:05.353-04:00This is very convoluted, and though I read it thro...This is very convoluted, and though I read it through three times, you lost me at the 'fabrics' on each occasion.<br /><br />I don't mind longer sentences, but there are too many of them here for a query.<br /><br />Take EE's brief synopsis and re-morph what you have.Whirlochrehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09846196906206886945noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90798751399864306942009-09-11T10:53:03.121-04:002009-09-11T10:53:03.121-04:00What are the rules on stealing GTPs? I'd love ...What are the rules on stealing GTPs? I'd love to try my hand at #7.<br /><br />For the writer, I think the best advice I can give is "Write the way you talk." Read the query out loud and you'll (hopefully) hear literally dozens of phrases that no English speaker would ever come up with in the course of a conversation. "Hi Edgar, how's it going?" "Not so good; I'm dwelling in bitter confusion, with no other vital purpose but to flee the people beckoning to skin me at every predicted turn..." <br /><br />Not that everything has to be <i>conversational</i> (or I'd have said "Write <i>like</i> you talk"), but that it should be <i>natural</i>. As it is, if EE hadn't graciously summarized the plot, I'd have been completely lost in the verbiage. Not a good way to get me interested in your book.Eric P.http://www.ericpazdziora.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-50418387189386415142009-09-11T10:45:39.507-04:002009-09-11T10:45:39.507-04:00I'm intrigued by someone spontaneously transfo...I'm intrigued by someone spontaneously transforming into a world-altering demon, but I'm also very confused about its spontaneity. Did it happen suddenly? Was Edgar a normal person before this happened? What does he do besides grow "two" wings (as opposed to, say, one or three :P)? Was he born to do this, chosen, or was it a freak accident? Why could he "redeem or destroy" the world, and why does anyone know this?<br /><br />I'm, frankly, more interested in this than the Time Weavers out to get him with their wacky gadgets, Smartest Men in the World, and secret nuclear arsenal. I think you need to balance Edgar's demonic transformation with him being chased down by these guys, so that they'll both seem of equal importance. As it reads now, Edgar seems like a bit of a Maguffin, particularly with the muddled opening paragraph. It reads so purple, that it's like a distraction.<br /><br />The spontaneous wedge of a "girl demon" is also a bit jarring. She might be an important addition to the story, but try to weave it in more convincingly. At the moment, she sounds like she should be wearing a name tag that says "Hi! I'm advancing the plot!"<br /><br />This could have the workings of a supernatural "Bourne Identity", but right now it reads kind of like the movie "Jumper" where it's not sure which parts of it are the most interesting. :(Ubermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15200097976135970004noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-15606733103524279442009-09-11T10:44:54.893-04:002009-09-11T10:44:54.893-04:00I have PTCD (post traumatic comment disorder), so ...I have PTCD (post traumatic comment disorder), so I'm keeping this short and not so sweet.<br /><br />I could hardly read it. The first line made me want to pull out my hair. The grammar is as messed up as the plot. Following EE's comment, If you have a machine that can only see random slices of the future, then it can work. <br /><br />I'm out of here.Mamehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04853842158606222286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-20426693880435463182009-09-11T10:27:00.792-04:002009-09-11T10:27:00.792-04:00Honestly, I nearly stopped at the first sentence.
...Honestly, I nearly stopped at the first sentence.<br /><br />The fabrics of one very stubborn, Edgar Benard, begin meshing into something else altogether when he goes through a seemingly spontaneous metamorphosis that grants him the ability to become a powerful, black demon complete with two wings, anytime he deems it an approved investment.<br /><br />He's got the ability to become a demon. That's what you need to say. Using "fabrics" and "approved investment" make it sound like a query you ran through google translator. That, and the first part of the sentence is missing a subject. It's the worst sentence of the lot, but it's not the only bad one.<br /><br />Simplify, check your grammar and sentence structure, and elaborate on the plot._*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.com