tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post5109848773848357787..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 875Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-14736636264941162102011-08-15T19:06:18.922-04:002011-08-15T19:06:18.922-04:00Thanks, everybody! Your comments are barbed yet po...Thanks, everybody! Your comments are barbed yet pointy, and really help me tune up the opening!debhoagnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-88156117944994372862011-08-12T19:42:33.245-04:002011-08-12T19:42:33.245-04:00ps-- or "repetition", even.ps-- or "repetition", even.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-57828457644620812652011-08-12T19:41:54.738-04:002011-08-12T19:41:54.738-04:00Interesting premise. There's just a tad too mu...Interesting premise. There's just a tad too much repetion. Trust your reader.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-31008485419454736502011-08-12T14:47:26.652-04:002011-08-12T14:47:26.652-04:00I think it was interesting, I would read on a bit....I think it was interesting, I would read on a bit. <br /><br />I agree with EE that the narrator saw more than a glimpse. <br /><br />I would suggest also omitting "She could read fear in my voice". If you are very fond of this and really think it is important maybe try. "She sounded concerned; she must have heard the fear in my voice."<br /><br />I am not sure one reads tone as much as they hear it. I am further not sure your narrator should be all that all knowing. <br /><br />vkwvkwnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38966575025279910252011-08-12T11:45:37.016-04:002011-08-12T11:45:37.016-04:00A small point maybe pressed her forehead rather th...A small point maybe pressed her forehead rather than leaned. I like the opening. A touch of foreshadow. Works for me and <br />I'd read on.Wilkins MacQueenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05601091849024992561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-85916338584547987812011-08-12T10:28:07.646-04:002011-08-12T10:28:07.646-04:00The appearance of looking for something could easi...The appearance of looking for something could easily be created by movements.<br /><br />I'm suffering deja vu with this opening for some reason. Eh.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-19010500967301048392011-08-12T09:13:39.178-04:002011-08-12T09:13:39.178-04:00Um - how does a man with no face appear to be look...Um - how does a man with no face appear to be looking at/for something? Was he using a cane?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17376565916753348272011-08-12T09:06:19.891-04:002011-08-12T09:06:19.891-04:00First we get "I just caught a fleeting glimps...First we get "I just caught a fleeting glimpse, more of an impression than anything," and then we get a fairly detailed description, down to the size of his neck and that fact that he was searching for the narrator. Perhaps the third sentence should start: He was standing on the sidewalk, smooth blank skin...<br /><br />That omits the brief glimpse/impression part. I get the impression it was more than a brief glimpse.<br /><br />I'm interested in the man with no face, as it sounds like he returns. Does he breathe though gills?Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-51881584403024639812011-08-12T08:49:29.059-04:002011-08-12T08:49:29.059-04:00Unchosen continuations:
"Look," I said...Unchosen continuations:<br /><br /><br />"Look," I said, this time louder, "that man! With no face! There!"<br /><br />Mina slammed on the brakes. "No arms either! Or legs!"<br /><br />"It's just...clothes."<br /><br />We stared at the impression that was anything, something and everything — yet nothing — as it stuttered towards the car.<br /><br />"It's like those Dr Seuss pants," gasped Mina, "only with a matching sweat top."<br /><br />"Let's get the hell outta here," I said. "maybe the Phantom Tollbooth is on the next block." <br /><br />--Whirlochre<br /><br /><br />"That's the guy from the news, you know, the one running for city council, Joe." <br /><br />"Wow, they said he was smooth-faced, but what an understatement." Mina sighed, "You really have to take care of his dog this weekend?"<br /><br />I cried, "Well, his mom is my mom's best friend... Still have teeth marks from that dog on my tukus."<br /><br />"You said Tuckus." Mina laughed.<br /><br />--R.T. DavisEvil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.com