tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post4769310672507765900..comments2024-03-18T13:32:44.865-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 707Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger78125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1308880318389316682010-02-01T14:05:05.980-05:002010-02-01T14:05:05.980-05:00Keep working on it.
You have lost some of the vo...Keep working on it. <br /><br />You have lost some of the voice and, well, the uniqueness of this in this last revision. You've also switched detail for vagueness. <br /><br />The main plot point that is now missing is that Howie is something more than your average kid. Tell me that because I can't tell why HE's the one to save or doom the worlds in the current version. <br /><br />How about something like:<br /><br />Seventeen Howie Gryffin's belief that Jesus saved alien nations in addition to Earth-bound souls makes him an easy target for ridicule in high school. But then Howie's skin changes color reverting to its alien appearance and he moves objects with a thought. <br /><br />XY, the demon, whispers to Howie that he can have even more power with his assistance. In resisting XY's influence Howie attracts an otherworldly war to Earth. XY tells Howie he must find the Crystal Blade, a talisman needed to repel a despot or reveal a savior if the souls of Earth are to be saved. <br /><br /><br /><br />- --- <br /><br />It's a start. I still don't have a good idea of who the main antagonist is and why he wants the Blade. <br /><br />Good luck, <br /><br /><br /><br />Repressed by magic disguised as religion, he will be killed if he doesn’t gain more power. He will destroy us all if he does.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12237518808756712176noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52001559148456659752010-02-01T13:44:46.347-05:002010-02-01T13:44:46.347-05:00i thought the idea of blending so many ideas would...<i>i thought the idea of blending so many ideas would show the uniqueness of the book.</i><br /><br />The thing is, the book is ultimately what sells the book. The query letter doesn't so much sell the book as sell the agent on the idea of reading the book. A good query letter says: "I am not a crazy person. This book is complete and has a clear vision and structure. Reading this will not be a waste of your time."<br /><br />If your description of the book leaves the agent confused, talking about all the different influences is going to make it worse, not better. It'll look like your story is a big mishmash of ideas without any coherent narrative arc. Nobody wants to spend time reading a really unique blend of subjects if it doesn't eventually go somewhere and wrap up sensibly. (Unless you really love Robert Anton Wilson. (I kid, I kid.))<br /><br />Make sure the first part of your query shows that you have written a compelling story that's worth reading because it's just a darn good story. <i>Then</i> you can ice the cake with how unique it is.<br /><br />(Just my two cents, of course. Like EE says, take what's helpful and ignore the rest.)Elliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10592356672960746162noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-22994217685215110832010-02-01T12:56:57.492-05:002010-02-01T12:56:57.492-05:00You're going to get useful comments and commen...You're going to get useful comments and comments from people who never read this genre, people who don't know what they're talking about, 8-year-old kids, etc. Your job is to use what's helpful and ignore the rest.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-32556509552277107352010-02-01T11:57:51.732-05:002010-02-01T11:57:51.732-05:00this is the author:
i do wonder if folks are comp...this is the author:<br /><br />i do wonder if folks are comparing earlier posts to this one and losing something in the translation.<br /><br />like the question "is this interplanetary?" why would someone assume it is not unless it was being compared to an earlier version, see what i mean?<br /><br />that's also why i don't mention christianity specifically. it does involve two worlds, EE said in an earlier post that i need to point that out early so figured i'd do so with the hint of jesus saving other worlds as the reason people say he is in a cult. that's the same reason i don't call him christian: christians don't see this kind of phenomenon as godly and would call folks who do as being in a cult; it is his religion that tells him these things are divine/demonic, which is stated pretty plainly in the query, i thought. i had just put "strange faith" or "unorthodox faith" in an earlier post but someone said it wasn't specific enough.<br /><br />i wonder about the idea of comparing myself to other literature. it seems like if i said "the book is like" or "it would appeal to", or as i did in the first query "based on yadda yadda" fine, i'm setting myself up. but to say i borrow ideas from various places doesn't seem like a comparison (no one said i was comparing myself to santeria or string theory, for instance). i thought the idea of blending so many ideas would show the uniqueness of the book.<br /><br />thanks, though. i'm going to keep plugging at it, though it might be a while before i repost something.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-15401732820934776792010-01-31T23:56:24.132-05:002010-01-31T23:56:24.132-05:00I think you're still giving too much setup and...I think you're still giving too much setup and not enough of the stakes.<br /><br />This might help as a potential outline:<br /><br />Howie Gryffin's Christian faith is a refuge from high school bullying and taunts. But it offers no comfort when he's suddenly able to move objects with his mind, and hears a strange voice in his head.<br /><br />Unable to decide if these changes are demonic or divine, Howie [does something] to get answers. It turns out that he has these powers because [reason]. [Specific entities (humans? demons? aliens? fairies?)] from another world are hunting him to use his powers [to do something.]<br /><br />Howie must [overcome enemy or obstacle] in order to [do something successfully] so he can [realize goal.] If he can't, [specific consequences.]Elliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10592356672960746162noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-75697916178707867822010-01-31T23:05:32.957-05:002010-01-31T23:05:32.957-05:00"many worlds"? Is this interplanetary?
..."many worlds"? Is this interplanetary?<br /><br />"His faith teaches that the power is divine but the voice is demonic, forcing Howie to doubt his beliefs." Actually, powers like that sound like witchcraft, and Christianity would probably say, "thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." How does he determine that the voice is demonic?<br /><br />"The wizards need The Crystal Blade to stop a despot from ending all life." This might be a good time to insert a quick explanation of what the blade is. "The crystal blade, a knife forged from the crystal skull of a long dead alien king, to stop..."<br /><br />"He will destroy us all if he does" The problem with saying 'us' is that you give the impression this story occurs in the real world. It's fiction.<br /><br />I feel I must agree wtih Steve that comparing your book to acknowledged classics can go very, very wrong, especially if you don't explain the similarities.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-67015396748240900722010-01-31T22:08:28.237-05:002010-01-31T22:08:28.237-05:00Needs clarity. I'm not sure what's going o...Needs clarity. I'm not sure what's going on.<br /><br />I know it's frustrating, but keep at it.Matthewnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90617183586237953862010-01-31T16:55:36.632-05:002010-01-31T16:55:36.632-05:00I think this latest version is too heavily condens...I think this latest version is too heavily condensed, and possibly over-dramatic in tone. I went "bwuh? What? What's going on?" several times during the second paragraph, and the third paragraph looks like the tagline for a movie, not part of a query letter.<br /><br />I'd also seriously consider leaving out all the literary comparisons and influences. Having read the original, and now this version, I get the impression your book is a hybrid of <i>Finnegans Wake</i>, <i>Atlas Shrugged</i> and <i>Alice in Wonderland</i>, and that idea's doing my head in. Less comparison and more explanation, please!Steve Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09836762265698458170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-22224612327826359402010-01-31T12:18:50.985-05:002010-01-31T12:18:50.985-05:00this is the author with a rewrite. any comments ar...this is the author with a rewrite. any comments are appreciated:<br /><br />Dear Evil Editor:<br /><br />Howie Gryffin is an easy target in high school, called cult freak and Uncle Tom for believing Jesus saved many worlds. Faith is his refuge — until objects move at his whim and a voice offers more power.<br /><br />His faith teaches that the power is divine but the voice is demonic, forcing Howie to doubt his beliefs. He sets out for answers, finding wizards from a world where souls are weapons. The wizards need The Crystal Blade to stop a despot from ending all life. Their search has led to the tyrant: Howie.<br /><br />Repressed by magic disguised as religion, he will be killed if he doesn’t gain more power. He will destroy us all if he does.<br /><br />THE CRYSTAL BLADE is a 107,000-word fantasy novel about morality and diversity. Blending ideas ranging from Santeria and string theory to Alice in Wonderland and Atlas Shrugged, the story examines how we define what’s right in a world of diverse beliefs.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-78329962557289060752010-01-25T18:11:56.969-05:002010-01-25T18:11:56.969-05:00I find this version interesting, but I liked the f...I find this version interesting, but I liked the first one better; the race questin was very interesting as well as provocative..<br />Re this version: . I would normally assume that Bible-thumpers were orthodox. Maybe a little more specificity would help.Joannanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-21493437173258677992010-01-25T13:15:50.378-05:002010-01-25T13:15:50.378-05:00I thought this was a definite improvement. I coul...I thought this was a definite improvement. I could see this generating some interest.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-62403171562685346632010-01-25T11:11:19.007-05:002010-01-25T11:11:19.007-05:00The query doesn't work for me. I'm going t...The query doesn't work for me. I'm going to give a line-by-line accounting of my responses, so you can see the parts where I find it unclear.<br /><br /><i>Howie Gryffin loves his family’s unorthodox beliefs, even if he’s called “Bible thumper” and “Uncle Tom” in high school. </i><br />What do "unorthodox beliefs" mean in this context? He's part of some new Christian denomination? <br /><br /><i>When he brings objects to life, he thinks God has a higher purpose for him. </i><br />"Brings objects to life" is far too vague. He can move things with his mind? Create sentient marionettes? Plus, all I can think of when I read that phrase is "We bring good things to life."<br /><br /><i>When he fails to find it, his faith wavers — and a voice in his head tries to usurp his mind.</i><br />Why would his faith waver because he can't find (I think maybe "see" or "understand" works better) God's purpose for him? Are his powers causing him problems? Are they directly contradicting what his religion teaches? God does all kinds of things we can't understand. Why is this thing a problem? <br /><br /><i>Howie’s faith has warned of such demons, but fighting it lures deadlier foes. </i><br />I know what you mean, but grammatically, this sentence says that fighting his faith lures deadlier foes.<br /><br /><i>For Howie is either the savior or nemesis of a world where souls are weapons; </i><br />What world? Are we not on Earth?<br /><br /><i>factions seek The Crystal Blade to reveal or destroy him,</i> <br />Reveal who? Howie? What does "reveal" mean in this context?<br /><br /><i> and Howie’s power has led them to Earth.</i><br /> Led who? How? Why? What does Howie have to do with any of this?<br /><br /> <i>It’s the start of a spiritual doomsday foretold in Howie’s faith, but the demon has a way to avert the war … if Howie surrenders his mind.</i><br />Up until this point you've only said what happens to Howie and very little of what he actually does. Ending with him having to surrender makes it sound like he's a passive pawn through the whole book. <br /><br /><i> Blending myth, science, literature, and philosophy,</i><br />This is so vague as to be pointless. <br /><br /><i> the coming-of-age story shows how living in a complex world shouldn’t mean losing what makes us unique.</i><br />This makes it sound like an after-school special.<br /><br />I'm not trying to be mean, but rather trying to show the questions someone would have reading this for the first time. I know how hard it is to simultaneously establish character/motivation and explain a whole fantasy world/war in a few paragraphs, but I don't think you've pulled it off here yet.Elliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10592356672960746162noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-41608953680320261802010-01-25T10:48:34.898-05:002010-01-25T10:48:34.898-05:001st para: Why Uncle Tom? That doesn't go with ...1st para: Why Uncle Tom? That doesn't go with Bible Thumper for me. Other than that - this one is good.<br /><br />2nd para: I deliberately did not refresh my memory on your original query. This para confused me a bit and was hard to digest. You have room to flesh this out a bit more and clarify what you're trying to say. The 2nd sentence is a bit long and convoluted.<br /><br />3rd para: Like this one a lot. Love the hook and how it's presented.<br /><br />4th para: Went on a bit long for me and seems like you're repeating some information. I think this can be tightened up a bit and give some more words to the 2nd para.<br /><br />That's my opinion on this version.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-8532071891611114002010-01-25T10:06:32.539-05:002010-01-25T10:06:32.539-05:00It's certainly better than the previous versio...It's certainly better than the previous versions. I can see it generating some interest.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-84033556097163749462010-01-25T08:47:03.001-05:002010-01-25T08:47:03.001-05:00I thought the sentences got a little vague as they...I thought the sentences got a little vague as they went on. It sounds okay, but if I were a publisher I'd probably pass it over knowing there were hundreds more waiting in the inbox.Matthewnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-9985724744394945612010-01-25T08:11:38.164-05:002010-01-25T08:11:38.164-05:00this is the author. here's a rewrite. any comm...this is the author. here's a rewrite. any comments are appreciated.<br /><br />Dear Evil Editor:<br /><br />Howie Gryffin loves his family’s unorthodox beliefs, even if he’s called “Bible thumper” and “Uncle Tom” in high school. When he brings objects to life, he thinks God has a higher purpose for him. When he fails to find it, his faith wavers — and a voice in his head tries to usurp his mind.<br /><br />Howie’s faith has warned of such demons, but fighting it lures deadlier foes. For Howie is either the savior or nemesis of a world where souls are weapons; factions seek The Crystal Blade to reveal or destroy him, and Howie’s power has led them to Earth.<br /><br />It’s the start of a spiritual doomsday foretold in Howie’s faith, but the demon has a way to avert the war … if Howie surrenders his mind.<br /><br />THE CRYSTAL BLADE is a 107,000-word fantasy novel about faith, identity, and how we decide what’s right in a world of diverse beliefs. Blending myth, science, literature, and philosophy, the coming-of-age story shows how living in a complex world shouldn’t mean losing what makes us unique.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-72824208579906085752010-01-07T01:31:53.048-05:002010-01-07T01:31:53.048-05:00The first and third paragraphs say nearly the same...The first and third paragraphs say nearly the same thing: <br />1: To stop a war from destroying two worlds<br />3: Two worlds depend<br /><br />1: a teen must choose <br />3: a high school freshman<br /><br />1: his soul and keeping his sanity<br />3: it may get him killed<br /><br />Then you repeat Howie's name in Paragraph 4. And at that point, I agree with EE, paragraph 4 is the superior paragraph to open with. Why? because it starts with Howie and presents his internal dilemma as the meat of the story. Howie is the story. The story isn't the crystal blade or the two worlds drawn together. Those two things are what Hitchcock called McGuffin. They make the story work. The emotional story, the big payoff of the novel is Howie's decision.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52672546089656590502010-01-07T00:26:53.108-05:002010-01-07T00:26:53.108-05:00There should be lines of space if it's on pape...There should be lines of space if it's on paper, as well. In any case, it's a far superior query if you cut out the five paragraphs I suggested. There's nothing of value in them.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-6350089418895270872010-01-07T00:20:35.912-05:002010-01-07T00:20:35.912-05:00actually, it's shorter than all but the previo...actually, it's shorter than all but the previous one or two entries i originally gave and the plot is two lines fewer than the plot i gave in the previous version. but is all on one page. i just added the lines of space to make it easier to read.<br /><br />- author.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-43605418936370033022010-01-07T00:13:52.707-05:002010-01-07T00:13:52.707-05:00I don't see this all fitting on one page when ...I don't see this all fitting on one page when it has so many blank lines.<br /><br />I recommend you drop the first three paragraphs as well as paragraphs 7 and 8. Add Howie's last name to paragraph 4, and the word count to paragraph 9.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-76777875531184531112010-01-06T23:47:21.895-05:002010-01-06T23:47:21.895-05:00this is the author. any suggestions are appreciate...this is the author. any suggestions are appreciated:<br /><br />Dear Evil Editor:<br /><br />To stop a war from destroying two worlds, a teen must choose between saving his soul and keeping his sanity.<br /><br />THE CRYSTAL BLADE is a 107,000-word fantasy novel set in a sleepy Texas town that’s forced into a nightmare. <br /><br />Two worlds depend on Howie Gryffin, a high school freshman whose religion usually gets him picked on. Now it may get him killed.<br /><br />Howie loves his family’s unorthodox beliefs, even if he’s called “Bible thumper” and “Uncle Tom.” When he miraculously heals from an injury, he thinks God has a higher purpose for him.<br /><br />He learns he can move things with a thought and even bring them to life … but he finds no purpose.<br />His faith falters — and a voice in his head threatens him.<br /><br />It’s a demon, according to Howie’s faith, but fighting it lures deadlier foes. Howie is actually from a world where souls are weapons; he is either that world’s savior or nemesis, and only The Crystal Blade can reveal the truth.<br /><br />Factions from that world are searching for The Blade, and Howie’s power brings their clashes to Earth. Howie fears a spiritual war has begun.<br /><br />He thinks his purpose is to stop the battle even if he must make a deal with a demon trying to usurp his mind. Otherwise, he will lose a war threatening his soul.<br /><br />THE CRYSTAL BLADE explores how we decide what’s right in a world of diverse beliefs. Blending myth, science, literature, and philosophy, it’s a coming-of-age story about growing up in a complex world without giving up what makes us unique.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-78020602042740493682009-12-31T16:27:16.517-05:002009-12-31T16:27:16.517-05:00You had me at the beginning, but you lost me as it...You had me at the beginning, but you lost me as it dragged on. I also didn't like the crystal blade paragraph, but I started losing interest in the one before it.Matthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07681932402948885690noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-53665573697718121052009-12-31T16:23:13.001-05:002009-12-31T16:23:13.001-05:00Much, much better.
I get confused at "an all...Much, much better.<br /><br />I get confused at "an alliance...." What you're saying is that nobody's sure whether he's turning despot or savior. The evil alliance gives him a choice: join them as the despot and live, or be the savior. But if he becomes the savior (of what?), they'll make sure he loses his mind and everything else he cares about.<br /><br />This is difficult to clarify, but I think I've got a general idea of what's going on--and that idea is pretty compelling, like the first sentence of this query._*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-62565044475599454082009-12-30T23:37:39.429-05:002009-12-30T23:37:39.429-05:00An alliance has formed to find The Crystal Blade, ...An alliance has formed to find The Crystal Blade, a talisman needed to repel a despot or reveal a savior. Competing goals have split the alliance, and some factions are drawn to Earth by a power once wielded by the despot and savior — Howie’s power.<br /><br />This paragraph seemed like it cane out of nowhere. It might be better to lead with Howie and not with the Blade.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-78268266160881162382009-12-30T21:36:36.518-05:002009-12-30T21:36:36.518-05:00If the teachers are imbuing students with power, h...If the teachers are imbuing students with power, how does Howie know the teachers didn't give him the power to move objects by thinking? By "power" I assume you mean superhuman powers?<br /><br />When you say "Howie's power" at the end of p.5, do you mean his ability to move objects by thinking?<br /><br />I don't think it's clear early enough that a place other than Earth is a major part of the story.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.com