tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post4625212215592129793..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 706Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-60971969981985059152009-12-10T07:35:35.333-05:002009-12-10T07:35:35.333-05:00As others have said, the business with the will se...As others have said, the business with the will seems contrived - and then there's that bit at the end about regaining her voice: now that's a <i>real</i> motivator, so can you perhaps stress that, rather than the terms of the will?<br /><br />Also, you rather lost me with the bit about the hidden castle. Castles are large; you know when you've got one. (Maybe there's some sound explanation in the book, but if there's no room for that explanation in the query, I'd leave the whole thing out.)<br /><br />Yes, we need more information about the monsters, and the mute protagonist is worrying; still, this sounds like an interesting story to me, which is the main thing.Steve Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09836762265698458170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-58825663191255607492009-12-09T23:20:49.350-05:002009-12-09T23:20:49.350-05:00Ahem. "Doesn't mean you can't use it....Ahem. "Doesn't mean you <i>can't</i> use it."<br /><br />Why doesn't my inner editor pay attention when it matters?Adam Heinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-77720550094840861392009-12-09T22:54:53.423-05:002009-12-09T22:54:53.423-05:00Forgot to add the nic(er) part of my comment. Just...Forgot to add the nic(er) part of my comment. Just because it's an old trope doesn't mean you can use it (esp. in middle grade, where your audience is likely unfamiliar with it). But in the query, I want to know how your story differs from the old trope.Adam Heinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-91720160654195323832009-12-09T22:25:42.853-05:002009-12-09T22:25:42.853-05:00Maybe it was growing up in the 80's, but I can...Maybe it was growing up in the 80's, but I can think of at least 5 cartoons and 1 movie that have used the "protagonists must spend the night/month/year in a haunted mansion if they want to inherit the fortune" plot line.<br /><br />Hm, also known as the <a href="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/OnOneCondition" rel="nofollow">On One Condition trope</a>, apparently.Adam Heinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02225813532455467868noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-88802163125042183012009-12-09T22:13:03.211-05:002009-12-09T22:13:03.211-05:00Please... no more female characters with needlessl...Please... no more female characters with needlessly complicated/fabricated/ridiculous names. <br /><br />This story would have to be set in a fantasy land to be even slightly plausible. <br /><br />Too much junk in the mix! It's an information overload... scary cats, mysterious stranger, scary house, scary castle… too much! <br /><br />And to top it off, she's a fucking mute. I agree with Rachel. A mute main character is an excuse to skip dialogue; unless you are FUCKING BRILLIANT. <br /><br />And by fucking brilliant I mean Homer. <br /><br />And by Homer, I mean Iliad… NOT Simpson.Marie Simashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07255293343641053930noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-58699099546727799382009-12-09T21:43:47.012-05:002009-12-09T21:43:47.012-05:00My big "what??" moment came at the end w...My big "what??" moment came at the end when all of a sudden we learn hope keeps her going, not because of the money and mansion she'll be inheriting, but because she might regain her voice. I had no idea where that came from as a motivation.<br /><br />Also, easy does it on the stock phrasings. I would find your special way of rephrasing a couple of the following:<br /><br />"turn her world upside down"<br /><br />"she has no choice"<br /><br />"the last thing Shadassa needs"<br /><br />"must pay the price"<br /><br />"to make matters worse"<br /><br />I also question "Taken from her friends" -- Is she going against her will? The query doesn't make it clear whether she wants to go live in the mansion or not.<br /><br />I do like the line: "Too bad it's living in the same house" a lot.Phoenix Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03290349031002504007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-27219464139319014632009-12-09T18:11:05.213-05:002009-12-09T18:11:05.213-05:00I agree that the issues of legality will become le...I agree that the issues of legality will become less of a problem if this is presented in a more fantastical light. But I do have one question: how is she to inheret the fortune after a year if she has no way of contacting the lawyers?Chelsea Pitcherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16301150715189103602noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30772794713901255072009-12-09T15:01:04.389-05:002009-12-09T15:01:04.389-05:00I really wanted the story to be GTP #3.I really wanted the story to be GTP #3.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-51448503828877664382009-12-09T14:41:06.635-05:002009-12-09T14:41:06.635-05:00The plausibility of the will depends on how it'...The plausibility of the will depends on how it's presented, the tone of the story, etc. I didn't have a problem with that so much as I did trying to visualize what a Shadow Cat is. "Not-so-mythical creatures who thrive in the darkness" isn't doing it for me, especially when it's the title of the book. It's vague and leaves a gaping hole which I've temporarily filled in with a cross between the Thunder Cats and the Top Cat gang. Are they more like cat-people or cat-monsters? Are they fearsome <i>and</i> intelligent? Or could they conceivably be distracted for an entire year with a steady supply of mice and/or yarn?Blogless Trollhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03983848259551488867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38497385067934062642009-12-09T14:02:50.954-05:002009-12-09T14:02:50.954-05:00No mention of the 80's cartoon?No mention of the 80's cartoon?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-48556321309264249062009-12-09T13:59:09.642-05:002009-12-09T13:59:09.642-05:00What country is this? What century? Castle impli...What country is this? What century? Castle implies Europe, that's our only clue. Nothing like this could happen in the modern USA, and I'm skeptical that it could happen in modern Europe either. On the other hand, Pippi Longstocking was one of my favorite characters in middle grade, and she was living alone at some young age, too. And the Lemony Snicket orphans are quite independent, though very young. <br /><br />I think the problem here might be that your tone is off. The query sounds like you think you've laid out a seriously plausible scenario [which comes off as somewhat horrific], but the plot won't work that way. It could work as a fantasy, but there's no indication that you intend it to be a wildly impossible but amusing story of the sort that appeals to kids.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-58048213101408224032009-12-09T13:31:23.262-05:002009-12-09T13:31:23.262-05:00I can't suspend my disbelief; if the story is ...I can't suspend my disbelief; if the story is set in some place or time where a thirteen-year-old can be forced to live alone without legal challenge, you'd better say so.150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-5870634371196496282009-12-09T12:55:38.087-05:002009-12-09T12:55:38.087-05:00I think the basic premise is interesting, but I wo...I think the basic premise is interesting, but I worry about a mute protagonist living alone. That could mean pages and pages of no dialogue, and for me, that's a deal breaker.<br /><br />When does the story take place? IF it's modern day, I can't see the government letting a thirteen year old live alone.<br /><br />A castle could be hidden on the grounds...provided it is nothing more than a mound. Or is it in ruins, and covered with weeds?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-37171903273646070592009-12-09T12:45:05.489-05:002009-12-09T12:45:05.489-05:00Can a minor legally inherit something so big witho...Can a minor legally inherit something so big without a trustee? Because, if so, for the next nine years or so my will will have very complicated instructions for my little brother concerning access to my CDs, money, and stuffed dog.<br /><br />I smell a story without much dialogue.<br /><br />My main problem with this is that I don't believe it--mostly the inheritance bit, and how in the world a 13-year-old can be allowed to live on her own like that.<br /><br />On another note, I have a suggestion for the first part of the query: All Shadassa wants for her 13th birthday is a family. All she gets is a long-lost family's money and mansion. And to get that, the will in question stipulates that she must move from the orphanage to the old mansion and live there for a whole year--alone.<br /><br />Middle grade fantasy? No. It sounds like middle grade Gothic to me._*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-77467114207694587832009-12-09T12:44:10.565-05:002009-12-09T12:44:10.565-05:00Yeah. I have a plausibility problem with the will...Yeah. I have a plausibility problem with the will; I can't imagine it's legal for a 13yo to live all by herself- no guardians, so it would probably be pretty easy to contest this will, if it requires her to do something illegal, right?Mother (Re)produces.https://www.blogger.com/profile/07685333905652373606noreply@blogger.com