tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post4361133407239583102..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 674Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-73409316301093552692009-09-18T14:14:42.309-04:002009-09-18T14:14:42.309-04:00I agree with the above-- you've written a syno...I agree with the above-- you've written a synopsis rather than a query. (On the bright side, it's a good synopsis.) I'd also agree that you need to make it clearer that Anna is Latina, or at least sooner, if that's at all important to the story.<br /><br />I still don't see how stopping a bully from picking on a small kid would make Anna unpopular except with other bullies.Eric P.http://www.ericpazdziora.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-78234547203638446612009-09-17T21:46:14.488-04:002009-09-17T21:46:14.488-04:00It's a bit listy and I don't like the last...It's a bit listy and I don't like the last few sentences, but this is pretty good. I like how specific this new version is._*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-32251838346052144132009-09-17T20:18:03.072-04:002009-09-17T20:18:03.072-04:00Joanna- email me at aimeestates at yahoo dot com -...Joanna- email me at aimeestates at yahoo dot com - if that's okay to post here, EE. I'm not sure (I'm not worried about junk mail). I can point you to some really great MG and YA query critique/writers. I do think your book is MG, FWIW. And my personal opinion is that it does help tremendously to get some outside help. <br /><br />From the way you describe your book in the comments, I'm interested in it. But your new query isn't doing you justice. It reads far too much like a synopsis.Mamehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04853842158606222286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30145685856948602492009-09-17T20:09:18.934-04:002009-09-17T20:09:18.934-04:00She chides her cousins for their dyed-blonde hair ...<i>She chides her cousins for their dyed-blonde hair and their refusal to speak Spanish in public</i><br /><br />This revelation is too late in the query. We need to know that Anna is either Latino or speaks Spanish earlier. <br /><br />That's a problem with some of your "A" names. They sound so whitebread, so Mayflower, so Caucasian. I think the names have to be obviously Spanish. <br /><br />Help me understand "Conservation Leadership Institute’s summer camp" as being a camp for girls to learn leadership. Am I missing something? Is there something inherently Spanish or Latino about a "Conservation Leadership" group. I first thought they were treehuggers and environmentalists. Is this me? I haven't been near a camp since I played bagpipes at Freshman Camp in College.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-48289465976023465352009-09-17T19:38:11.998-04:002009-09-17T19:38:11.998-04:00Aimee, you wrote: "It's a mess, but it&#...Aimee, you wrote: "It's a mess, but it's middle grade. Most thirteen year olds are already reading YA." Did you mean this book should be classified as YA? I was assuming it was MG because kids are usually said to read about older protagonists... I never read at the level I was supposed to anyway, so I have trouble figuring out appropriate age ranges.Joannanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-20392318872428761552009-09-17T19:34:44.491-04:002009-09-17T19:34:44.491-04:00Thanks again to all of you, especially Aimee and D...Thanks again to all of you, especially Aimee and Dave. Here's another try; too long, I know, but I hope it may be closer to the meat of the book.<br /><br />13-year-old Anna desperately wants to be brave and to make a difference in the world. She arrives at the Conservation Leadership Institute’s summer camp with great expectations and a stack of books about real and imaginary heroes. Her new best friend Allison shares her ambitions and her liberal ideas, though she has more money and tact than Anna’s ever possessed. But when Anna steps in to stop a big kid shaking a smaller kid Allison thinks she’s taking her ideas too personally. Apparently other kids think so too; Anna ends up with the nickname Torture Girl and several new enemies.<br /> And then Althea arrives at camp. She’s one of the younger and smaller kids, but she speaks and acts with authority. She chides her cousins for their dyed-blonde hair and their refusal to speak Spanish in public, and she protects them from older and larger bullies. She is what Anna wants to be. But after hearing Anna’s nickname Althea wants nothing to do with her. <br /> Anna spends the rest of the week trying to prove herself to Althea, or at least to be like her. She takes on the boys who torment James because they claim he’s gay; she succeeds only in further embarrassing James. She tells off the kid who grabs her butt, and gets lectured for making scenes and using private words in public. Finally she circulates a petition about a camp rule that strikes her as unfair. Half the campers sign on, and Anna thinks Althea will admire her this time. Instead Althea blots out her cousins’ signatures and tells Anna to stop doing things that could get people killed. She isn’t paranoid; her family just fled El Salvador. <br /> Anna takes a long hard look at the difference between trying to be brave and having to be brave, and at her assumption that being right loudly is bound to make things better. She stops trying to regain Althea’s or Allison’s approval and accepts her loneliness. And when some of the girls decide that she’s lesbian and try to make an issue of it she finally finds a way of helping James.<br /> My People is a MG novel about a girl who tries and fails to be a hero, but finds the courage to grow up.Joannanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-15543936042250878472009-09-17T18:16:33.386-04:002009-09-17T18:16:33.386-04:00Ths sounds like the story revolves around Anna the...Ths sounds like the story revolves around Anna the torture gal and Ana the Other's relationship. Your query seems to mis-focus on that relationship. Anna the torture gal is a young lady who desperately want to be a success but doesn't really understand what being a (success) or hero means. And then she meets or befriends Ana the refugee who really is a hero but understands what that means (you have to explain that in the query). <br /><br />People don't understand that the paramedic who heroically saves the person in the car accident also removed the dead bodies from the accident the night before. For great joy there is also great pain. <br /><br />And that's what your two Anna's must reveal to the reader. It's that emotional coming of age in Anna's case and in Ana's case, her returning to being just a girl. <br /><br />I promise I won't say please change those names. I promise I won't say please shange those names. Ooops, that just slipped out.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-37649868396640364352009-09-17T16:10:10.626-04:002009-09-17T16:10:10.626-04:00This camp would make Camp Crystal Lake sound sane ...This camp would make Camp Crystal Lake sound sane and normal if I knew anything about it. Why is Anna getting railroaded for defending people or protecting her modesty? What is this camp for? This whole thing seems awfully muddled.Ubermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15200097976135970004noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30802232500874484172009-09-17T14:34:27.917-04:002009-09-17T14:34:27.917-04:00You almost wrote a query trying to explain your bo...You almost wrote a query trying to explain your book~<br /><br />"Anna has had a fairly easy life and desperately wants to be brave; Ana had a difficult life and doesn't waste time agonizing over whether she is brave or not."<br /><br />You can trim it of course, but that's a fairly good description of these two girls internally.<br /><br />"Ana is proud of being Hispanic, whereas several of her relatives at the camp are trying to pass as Anglo."<br /><br />HELLO conflict! Find the rest of the issues and talk about them simply like you do here. <br /><br />And to wrap it up...<br /><br />"a book about a kid trying to be a hero and learning that it's more complicated than she had imagined."<br /><br />You know this book, and your query says none of this stuff. This is the meat.Mamehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04853842158606222286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-10446572436459936492009-09-17T14:03:24.738-04:002009-09-17T14:03:24.738-04:00Joanna,
If 'Joanna' is anywhere close to ...Joanna,<br /><br />If 'Joanna' is anywhere close to your real name I would suggest renaming both Anna and Ana. Otherwise you will most likely face accusations of Mary Sue and self-insertion whether or not there is any other evidence to support it.<br /><br />You might want to try giving details of one incident of trying to help and explicitely saying how it goes wrong instead of listing a bunch of incidents which should be good and then saying everyone now hates her. Also if you mention the large shakeup of Anna's assumption, you should probably give details as EE and others have said.<br /><br />Hope this helps.Faceless Minionnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-83137957486020465052009-09-17T13:14:22.663-04:002009-09-17T13:14:22.663-04:00It's a mess, but it's middle grade. Most t...It's a mess, but it's middle grade. Most thirteen year olds are already reading YA.<br /><br />Echo the stuff about names, echo the stuff about gay accusations, echo, echo, echo....<br /><br />(I'm having cavernous space/new Dan Brown flashes)Mamehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04853842158606222286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-43186648356787308532009-09-17T13:05:59.114-04:002009-09-17T13:05:59.114-04:00Ha! Great GTPs. I was really hoping it was 1 or ...Ha! Great GTPs. I was really hoping it was 1 or 6.<br /><br />Author, from what you've described here, it seems like Anna's problem isn't bravery, it's tact and learning to work with people rather than against them. What is she doing wrong in her attempts to help that make people angry with her? That should be the clue to Anna's growth.<br /><br />But this is pretty strong considering you haven't finished the book. Keep plugging away and worry about the query letter after you've got your manuscript polished up. Sometimes themes shift around during editing.Sarah from Hawthornenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-4741823247134444362009-09-17T12:52:37.676-04:002009-09-17T12:52:37.676-04:00Thanks all!
I'll rephrase 'accused of b...Thanks all! <br /><br /> I'll rephrase 'accused of being gay';should have caught that myself. Maybe 'heckled because presumed gay' would be better. Anna tells the bullies that being gay isn't a problem, while James is desperately arguing that he isn't gay at all; hence his not speaking to her by the end of the week. <br /><br />And I may need to change Anna/Ana. The story is first-person, which rmakes the similar names easier. <br /><br />EE: Yes, Anna is trying and failing to find 'her people", and learns that she'll need to be willing to go it alone and to fail sometimes. <br />And yes, you'd hope a leadership camp would be well led--but have you ever been to one?<br /><br />Anon: I think I need to study query structure, not story structure. But thanks all the same.<br /><br />Eric P: a lot of good points there--thanks. Anna has had a fairly easy life and desperately wants to be brave; Ana has had a very difficult life and had to be brave, and doesn't waste time agonizing over whether she is brave or not. <br />Re title: there is an ethnic identity subplot--Ana is proud of being Hispanic, whereas several of her relatives at the camp are trying to pass as Anglo. <br /><br />Yeah, when i was a teenager I was reading stories about heroes, in fantasy and history. So is Anna in the book. I think, though, that I would also have read a book about a kid trying to be a hero and learning that it's more complicated than she had imagined.<br /><br />I'll try a more thematic query soon.Joannanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-8197698293200095392009-09-17T12:10:59.435-04:002009-09-17T12:10:59.435-04:00You lost me at the accused of being gay thing, too...You lost me at the accused of being gay thing, too. Like she better prove that he's not gay. God forbid.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-50473180395627557992009-09-17T12:09:01.280-04:002009-09-17T12:09:01.280-04:00Not that a series of unfortunate events won't ...Not that a series of unfortunate events won't sell, EE.<br /><br />You really shouldn't have both Anna and Ana. One of them's got to change names.<br /><br />I second Eric P.'s 2nd paragraph. And this wasn't what I was reading at 13, either. I think I was reading Ender's Game and The Blue Sword. Still am._*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-74623737200960575282009-09-17T12:05:16.085-04:002009-09-17T12:05:16.085-04:00For what it's worth, the audiobook version of ...For what it's worth, the audiobook version of this would be doomed if you really call the main characters Anna and Ana.Mother (Re)produces.https://www.blogger.com/profile/07685333905652373606noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-29179734888925495752009-09-17T11:37:36.038-04:002009-09-17T11:37:36.038-04:00"Accused of being gay." That sounds bad..."Accused of being gay." That sounds bad on so many levels, and I'm not talking about for the character. Do you mean that he's getting picked on because people Think he's gay? Because there are about 100 nicer ways to say that than "accused."<br />Also, a liberal wouldn't talk like that.<br /><br />There's a lot of details, but they aren't fully cohesive.<br /><br />Finish the book first.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-19425954145271263152009-09-17T11:37:22.495-04:002009-09-17T11:37:22.495-04:00Anna and Ana? Please tell me that was a joke. &quo...Anna and Ana? Please tell me that was a joke. "Elizabeth, Lizzie, and Betsy and Beth, all went together to seek a bird's nest..."<br /><br />It appears that Anna (if that's the right one) already spends most of her time sticking up for other people or for herself. That usually requires courage and poise and self-confidence. (It also usually <i>endears</i> you rather than otherwise to the people you stick up for.) What exactly is she missing? How come a refugee from a war-torn foreign country has it?<br /><br />The title "My People" tells me nothing about the story presented here-- I was expecting something about discovering and embracing an ethnic identity or some such.<br /><br />Unless the point of the story is that every other teenager is a jerk who doesn't accept people who have the courage to stand up for themselves and for others and Anna just has to learn to get over the inevitable rejection... I may be missing the Big Life Lesson here. (Though I suppose that point <i>is</i> a rather practical life lesson for many teenagers...)<br /><br />As a disclaimer, I'm completely not in the target audience for this kind of story, even when I was 13. (I was going to say "when I was a teenager," but on reflection I don't think I ever really was.) So take that for what it's worth.Eric P.http://www.ericpazdziora.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-45847668347517419242009-09-17T11:30:12.146-04:002009-09-17T11:30:12.146-04:00Sounds like characters & incidents in search o...Sounds like characters & incidents in search of a plot. Or a collection of shorts. Perhaps you could benefit from a little more study of structure, which is difficult to get in the 'how to write literary' section of the bookstore, wherein its all supposed to happen magically or by osmosis or via analogy or some such rot, so sneak over to the 'how to write screenplays' section and steal some of their secrets. McKee's STORY being the classic. But Elliot Gould's Raindance guide is more succinct and easier to apply.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com